Chapter 24
On our last night, we ate dinner in silence, and then Ollie shut himself in his office and didn’t come out.
I parked myself in front of the TV and hoped he’d come down, but he didn’t.
I can’t even remember what I watched. The castle feels like a mausoleum.
One set of lights has gone out and no one’s bothered to fix them.
Hamish has promised he’ll take down the decorations and pack them away, but it doesn’t matter now.
It’s highly unlikely I’ll ever come back here.
I finish packing and shove Ollie’s cream cardigan into my suitcase too. He’s not having that back, ever.
My room looks like it did when I arrived. Like I was never here. Everything has changed and nothing has changed at the same time, and that’s how I feel about the prospect of the taxi that’s on its way to pick me up. I’m going back to London as a different person, but somehow exactly the same.
I said goodbye to Nancy and Hamish earlier this morning, and Ollie…
I was intending to find him, but as I drag my suitcase out of my bedroom door, he’s standing in the hallway, waiting for me, and he insists on carrying it all the way to the driveway.
I trail behind him, battling through the feeling of complete desolation.
It’s one of those moments that you hope will never come, even though you know it’s unavoidable.
My legs feel unsteady and my whole body is trembling with the effort of trying not to cry, because if I start, it feels like I’ll never stop.
The taxi isn’t here yet, and we stare at each other. Neither of us knows what to say.
‘Thank you for everything.’ Eventually, he swallows hard and forces himself to speak. ‘No matter what, this has been the best Christmas I’ve had in years and that’s solely because of you. I’m glad you came.’
‘Me too,’ I say, relieved by how genuine he sounds. He’s said that so many times now, and each time, I’ve believed him wholeheartedly and despite everything else, I believe him now too.
I take a deep breath. ‘I’m sorry about yesterday. You’re right, Ol. It’s hard to turn down financial security and choose uncertainty. I can’t do it either, so don’t think I don’t understand.’
I feel the weight of the holly leaf ring on my finger and slip it off and hold it out to him.
‘Keep it. That wasn’t part of the pretence. I wanted you to have it for good. Something to remember this by.’
The cast-iron grip I’ve got on my emotions threatens to crumble at those words. ‘You think I’m ever going to forget this?’
He shakes his head, but comes a step closer, takes the ring out of my hand and slips it back onto my wedding finger, just like he did the first time round. His fingers hold onto mine and I can’t tear my eyes away from our joined hands, especially because I can feel he’s shaking as much as I am.
Eventually he lets go and opens his arms hesitantly, asking without words if he can give me a hug, and when I nod, he bends so he can lift me off the floor.
I let out a surprised peep and wrap my arms around him, and I can feel the moment his walls disintegrate as he curls around me and buries his face in my neck.
‘I don’t want you to go.’ His lips are against my skin, days’ worth of stubble grazing in the best way possible, but his words make me feel unstable in the worst way possible.
‘I don’t want to go.’ I tighten my arms around him. ‘I’m going to miss you.’
He makes a noise that sounds like a choked-off sob and lets out a long, shuddery breath.
‘I can’t, Lu.’ He breathes into my neck. ‘Life doesn’t change in a month. You can’t hire someone to be your fake wife and then actually fall in love with her. The world doesn’t work that way.’
I can’t ignore the little flutter because he seems to be implying that he’s fallen in love with me too, but it makes this even harder.
‘I’m coming nearer to you. The job starts in February. I’ll be in London in a matter of weeks. I’m going to call you as soon as I get there. Take you out for a real date, if you’ll let me. We’ll be in the same city. It’s a good thing.’
His words say one thing, but his voice makes it sound like the worst thing in the world, and it fills me with dread.
Ollie will be working all the time. Overtime.
Evenings, weekends, late nights, early mornings.
I’ll be working a lot of nights too. No matter the intentions, how long will it realistically be before we never see each other at all?
The feeling gets worse when the taxi rumbles to a stop outside the gate, and the man who picked me up from the airport four weeks ago calls out a greeting. Ollie raises a hand to acknowledge him, but he still hasn’t put me down and I feel like he’s clinging on for as long as humanly possible.
‘Thank you for believing in me when no one else did.’ I run my fingers through his hair, just once.
‘This has been the best Christmas ever, and it has nothing to do with the beautiful setting and this amazing place. It’s you.
It’s because I met you. Because you’re the best person I’ve ever met and you deserve happiness. Please remember that.’
The taxi driver beeps his horn, letting us know that I’m going to miss the plane back to Glasgow if I’m not careful, and Ollie reluctantly sets my feet back on the ground.
He’s biting his inner cheek again and I know his eyes are damp, but I refuse to look up at him because if I see his emotions, I’m not going to be able to hold mine back either.
‘Text me when you get home safely, okay?’ he says and then reconsiders. ‘Actually, text me all the time. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and you still will be, whether we’re living in the same castle or five hundred miles apart.’
His hand keeps hold of mine as he walks me down to the gate, loads my suitcase into the boot of the taxi, and opens the door for me to get in.
He leans down to kiss my cheek, and that’s it for me.
The tears spill over like the dam holding them back has finally ruptured, and I hurl myself into the car and slam the door behind me, because if I don’t go now, I don’t know how I’ll ever go at all.
This is ridiculous. I shouldn’t be this upset. It shouldn’t be so difficult to say goodbye when I’ve known for a month that I’d be saying goodbye on this day.
‘All right, lassie?’ The driver turns to look at me and looks quite alarmed by the state I’m in. ‘Had a nice Christmas?’
I nod to answer his question, even though I must look like I’ve had the most frightful Christmas of all time.
‘Just go, please,’ I murmur, because the last thing I need is to miss the seaplane and be stuck here for the rest of the day, unable to come back but desperately wanting to. The best thing I can do right now is put as much space as possible between me and Hollybrae Castle and everyone in it.
Every part of my body is shaking as the driver pulls away and I fumble my seatbelt into its buckle.
I look back through the window and see Ollie standing in the gateway, swiping at his eyes too, and it only makes me cry even more.
If this is the right thing to do, why does it feel so hideously wrong?