Chapter 21
21
ROSS
Ross heaved in a deep breath as he approached the decking of Christmas Lodge, feeling apprehensive. Now he was here – he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go through with meeting his brother. What if Simon didn’t really want to see him? What if he’d only come to sever any connection between them once and for all?
Before Ross could change his mind and leave, the front door swung open and he saw Bonnibell beaming at him. His nerves instantly calmed and he relaxed. He realised he had never quite appreciated the soothing power of his friendship with this woman until Ivy had arrived at the resort.
How many other things had she changed about his life since coming? And how would he feel when she left?
‘Simon’s here,’ Bonnibell said in her musical voice and Ross reluctantly pushed all thoughts of Ivy from his mind. The older woman held the door wide open and Moose and Snowball bounded into the hallway ahead of him. ‘I put your brother in the kitchen and gave him some hot chocolate and a plate of mince pies.’ She winked. ‘He’s a lot like you lad – a little shorter, but he’s got the same appetite.’ Her pink cheeks glowed as she let him inside. ‘He’s jumpy,’ she whispered conspiratorially as she guided him through the festive hallway towards the kitchen.
‘Maybe he’s nervous. I know I am,’ Ross admitted, earning himself a shocked glance.
‘Aye.’ Bonnibell’s eyes rounded. ‘Well hearing that’s a surprise lad, I’d have said nothing phased you.’ She indicated that he should go into the kitchen. ‘Try not to be,’ she advised. ‘It’s obvious he’s just as worried as you. Besides, it’s almost Christmas, the perfect time for reconnecting with your ken.’
Simon was sitting at the breakfast bar staring into a mug of hot chocolate. He jerked to his feet the minute Ross and his pets entered the kitchen, looking startled when he spotted Snowball. ‘What’s that?’ he gasped.
‘He’s my pet. Don’t worry, he won’t bite,’ Ross assured him.
‘Ross,’ Simon said gruffly, his voice gravelly. He wiped his hands on his trousers – a nervous habit Ross remembered from their childhood, one his da had also had. ‘It’s grand to see you.’
Ross swallowed a wave of relief. ‘Aye, same here.’ He forced the words from his throat, overcome, and studied his brother, taking in the changes. They had the same almond-shaped face – inherited from their mother – and Simon’s eyes were the same colour as Ross’s. His brother had lost weight in the past five years and there were signs of stress in the lines around his forehead and cheeks, which made him look tired and a little troubled.
‘You look the same. I could have seen you just a few weeks ago,’ Simon said gruffly, stepping around the breakfast bar so he could greet Ross properly.
They gave each other an awkward hug and Ross heard Bonnibell cough from where she was standing by the kitchen door.
‘Aye, well I’ll leave you two alone to talk, you won’t be disturbed,’ she promised, her eyes shining as she gazed at them both. ‘There are plenty of mince pies and if you fancy something else, check out the gingerbread-shaped tin next to the kettle.’ She pointed towards the back of the room. ‘There are biscuits in there – I keep them for staff emergencies. They’re especially good if you’re struggling to find the right words.’ Her expression turned serious as she gazed at Ross. ‘Good luck,’ she said, before closing the door.
Ross stood staring at his brother, his breathing choppy with emotion. For a moment he wished Ivy was here. She’d know the right thing to say to break the ice.
‘Thanks for coming.’ He tried to channel her – then stared mutely at the stools by the breakfast bar. Bonnibell had already poured him a mug of hot chocolate and Ross could see a plate on the counter piled up with mince pies. Simon had taken a bite out of one of them already, but he hadn’t finished.
‘I’m nervous,’ Simon admitted suddenly. ‘Shall we sit?’ He strode back to the stool he’d been perched on and eased himself onto it.
Ross took the stool opposite and sat – feeling awkward. ‘This is weird,’ he finally managed. ‘In a good way,’ he added when Simon looked dismayed.
‘Aye.’ His brother’s forehead creased. The room fell silent again until he cleared his throat. ‘I was glad to hear from you. I thought you’d decided you were done with me.’
Ross looked up, startled. ‘I was never done with you,’ he said softly. ‘After Mam and Da died, I…’
‘Blamed yourself.’ Simon nodded. He bit another chunk out of his mince pie and slid the large plate towards Ross.
Ross took one and bit into it too.
After a few moments his brother let out an almost soundless purr. ‘These are magic. If I lived within a few miles of this place, I’d be the size of a castle.’ He took another one and chewed for a moment as the room fell silent again.
Ross followed his lead – he didn’t know what to say either. He only knew for the first time in five years he was sitting in the same room as his brother and it felt…right.
‘I never blamed you, Ross,’ Simon said finally, taking in a long noisy breath. ‘I was grieving and Grandmother, well…’ He winced. ‘She wanted me to start learning to pick up the reins from Da straight away. There wasn’t a lot of time for thinking about what we’d lost.’ He shut his eyes. ‘For a long time, I couldn’t see beyond what I needed to do. I wanted to make them proud. Felt it was my duty.’ He shrugged.
‘It wasn’t until you left the castle for good that I realised in doing so, I’d turned my back on you. I should have recognised you were grieving. I should have known how hard you’d take our parents’ deaths.’ His voice was tortured.
Ross felt the tightness in his chest ease, surprised. ‘This isn’t about fault,’ he said, his voice low. ‘Perhaps neither of us could handle what happened.’ He fiddled with his mug, turning it round and round, watching the half-melted marshmallows Bonnibell had placed on the top dissolve, thinking about all the beliefs he’d been holding on to. Wondering if he could let them disappear too. ‘You tried to talk to me a hundred times, and you contacted me after I’d left,’ he admitted, pursing his lips because the sudden flood of memories went against all the tales he’d told himself. The ones about not being wanted, the ones about being blamed, the ones about being second best.
‘Aye, and you didn’t call me back,’ Simon said. ‘But I should have tried harder, I shouldn’t have ignored the problem and left it – I just didn’t know what to say.’
Ross could hear pain in his voice and felt awful. ‘I wouldn’t have listened even if you had called. You can’t blame yourself, Simon. I honestly didn’t think I deserved you,’ Ross said quietly. ‘And I thought Miriam blamed me, that I wasn’t a real part of the family. She only seemed to want you.’ He paused. ‘It’s only recently I’ve started to wonder if I was just seeing what I thought was there.’
And he’d only wondered because of Ivy. He’d still be living the same lie if she hadn’t come along and held up a mirror to the things he’d believed.
‘I still could have tried harder,’ Simon insisted, straightening his shoulders in a gesture Ross recognised as another of his father’s mannerisms. Instead of making him sad, he felt homesick. ‘If we want to lay blame, we both have a share and so does Miriam. But that doesn’t matter now. What does is we’re both finally sitting here,’ Simon said, firmly.
Ross nodded and found himself smiling. Simon had always been blunt and honest. Quick to take blame and quicker to forgive. He’d always called a spade a spade and had never tried to pretend it was anything else. Ross had missed his big brother, more than he’d realised.
‘Aye, you’re right.’ Ross let out a long breath. ‘So I called you yesterday?—’
‘On Ivy Heart’s mobile,’ Simon interrupted, tipping an eyebrow and smirking.
‘Aye,’ Ross muttered because he wasn’t sure how much he wanted to share about that. He was still processing his feelings – and trying to work out how he felt about her leaving. ‘She’s here because Miriam sent her to find me,’ he said. He hadn’t given his brother the full story the evening before. It had been enough of a shock to speak to him and he hadn’t wanted to overload them both. ‘Ivy told me you’ve decided not to become Laird?’
‘Aye.’ Simon seemed to shrink. He picked up another mince pie and contemplated it. ‘She’s right.’ He looked unhappy.
‘But, why?’ Ross asked, leaning forwards. ‘It’s what you’ve been prepared for your entire life.’ Much like Ivy had been trained by her father for a career working with plants – she’d turned her back on that though. Was there a reason why Simon had decided he couldn’t follow through too – was someone forcing him to give it up?
His brother scratched his fingers over his chin. ‘It wasn’t one thing Ross, it was a thousand,’ he said wearily. ‘It is all I’ve ever wanted, but I didn’t appreciate until recently that it would mean I couldn’t have anything else.’ His tone was despondent. ‘Miriam started telling me who I’d be allowed to marry a couple of weeks ago. Perhaps I should have expected it: I’m only a month away from my thirtieth birthday, after all.’ He widened his eyes. ‘She wrote me a list of suitable families with daughters she considered to be in the right…circles.’ He mashed his lips together as if wrestling with a bad taste.
‘Seriously?’ Ross checked, hardly able to believe what he was hearing.
Simon nodded, his expression perplexed. ‘They had to have the correct looks, intelligence, and be of child-bearing age. Jeez , it was like being catapulted into another century.’ He shuddered. ‘I’ve always wanted to marry for love. I’ve been seeing this woman off and on for the last few years.’ His eyes darkened. ‘We haven’t made long-term plans, but I’ve wondered recently…’ He looked unhappy.
‘I’m sorry,’ Ross replied because he didn’t know what else to say. Guilt slinked through him as he realised and accepted what his brother had been going through. The pressure of expectation must have been immense. All the weight he’d carried – with no one to share it.
‘I love riding,’ Simon continued. ‘But Miriam told me I should give that up too. She was concerned in case I got injured – because according to Grandmother, at this point in my life…’ Simon gave Ross a loaded look. ‘There is no other heir, and I was told I was responsible for delivering one.’
‘That’s…’ Ross gulped.
His brother nodded, clearly still reflecting on the situation. He picked up his mince pie and took another bite. Ross watched as he chewed and swallowed, his face a profusion of pleasure. ‘She started to tell me what I could eat at the start of this year – do you know this might be the first time I’ve overindulged since January?’ He blinked, his eyes resentful. Simon had always been even-tempered, but it was obvious even he had his limits.
‘Didn’t you tell her no?’ Ross asked.
Simon pulled a disbelieving face. ‘Miriam does what Miriam wants and we’re expected to fall into line.’ He polished off the mince pie and swiped crumbs off his palms. ‘You must remember that?’ he asked. ‘If I want my own life, the only option I have is to walk away. It might not be what I want, but the pressure of measuring up to her expectations is simply too much.’
He stopped suddenly and his expression turned curious. ‘Miriam sent Ivy here to tell you what had happened. Why? Has she hatched some devious plan that involves you trying to convince me to go back to the castle and become Laird? I suppose she remembered we were close once.’ For a moment his brother looked disappointed.
‘No!’ Ross shot back. ‘She sent Ivy because she wants me to return to Hawthorn Castle so I can be primed to take over as Laird instead of you,’ Ross said, waiting for his brother’s reaction.
‘She did?’ Simon asked, pushing out his lower lip as he eyed another mince pie and obviously though better of it. ‘I’m pleased she finally realised you’d be just as deserving of the title as me. What did you decide?’
‘I haven’t,’ Ross said. ‘That’s why I wanted to talk to you.’
‘Do you want my blessing? Because you’ve got it,’ his brother said, hopping down from the stool and collecting the gingerbread-shaped biscuit tin Bonnibell had mentioned. He pulled off the lid and the kitchen filled with the scent of melted chocolate. Simon hummed as he grabbed a snowman-shaped biscuit and bit into it.
‘Yet more magic…How about when you go to the castle, I live here?’ Simon joked after swallowing. ‘Seriously, you’ll make a fantastic Laird, Ross: you’re dedicated and I can only imagine the work you’d be able to do around the estate. I’ve never been blessed with green fingers like you.’ He sucked air between his teeth. ‘I saw the resort grounds on my drive in and I know all about the adventure tours you run, because people talk about them where we live. You’re famous around these parts – like Scotland’s answer to Bear Grylls.’
‘They do?’ Ross asked, flushing. ‘I mean, I am?’
‘Aye. I’m proud of you, little brother. Hawthorn Castle couldn’t do better. But—’ Simon’s eyebrows pinched. ‘Think carefully about whether you want to live that kind of life. One where you don’t get to decide anything, where every moment of every day isn’t your own.’
Ross studied Simon. ‘Perhaps we should visit grandmother together – to talk about it?’ he suggested. ‘We could have a conversation about her expectations, about what she’s been pressuring you to do. Maybe there’s a solution to this, and you wouldn’t have to give your position up?’
‘Two heads are better than one?’ Simon asked, considering. ‘I’m happy to come with you to speak with her, but—’ He shook his head. ‘Taking these few days out from all the responsibilities has really made me re-evaluate what I want.’ He let out a long breath. ‘I thought I might miss it, but I’ve realised I don’t want to live every day under that kind of pressure. It’s a lot to carry on one set of shoulders. I’m not sure I’m ever going to want to go back. If you want to be Laird, little brother, I’m not going to stand in your way.’
‘I’m not sure it’s what I want either,’ Ross said carefully, looking around. ‘I’ve got a life here. Friends I don’t want to leave.’ He thought about Grizzle, Bonnibell and Connell, and his mind slid to Ivy too – it was early days, but he already knew he’d miss her when she moved to London. He hesitated. ‘But I walked away from our family once and—’ He rested his elbows on the table and put his chin in his hands, feeling torn. ‘I’m not sure I can do it again.’
‘Then we’ll go and see our grandmother tomorrow. Bring Ivy,’ Simon said, his expression suddenly mischievous. ‘Tell her I need her there to brighten up the dull corridors of Hawthorn Castle.’
Ross had to halt the sudden burst of jealousy that rose in his throat. But then Simon began to laugh loudly and Ross felt himself relax, realising his brother had been trying to rile him.
‘Aye.’ Simon nodded, looking satisfied. ‘I did wonder…’ He continued to chuckle as he picked up another biscuit and waved it in the air. ‘Don’t worry little brother, I’ve nae got designs on your bonnie lass. I’ve got my own to keep me warm.’
Ross opened his mouth to dismiss Simon’s words, but then he closed it again. Because though he might not have seen his brother in years, Simon had clearly been able to see how strong his feelings for Ivy were. Ross just wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do about them now…