Chapter 26
26
ROSS
Ross ignored Moose and Snowball as they began to whine on the approach to Grizzle’s cabin, guessing they sensed his unhappiness. It had been a hard couple of days as he’d adjusted to what had happened with his family – and he still hadn’t come to terms with it yet.
He slowed as he drew closer to the ramshackle building. He’d visited his old friend a few times since he’d been to Hawthorn Castle, and hadn’t been up to talking. But today he was determined to get himself back on track. Being home should have grounded him after his encounter with Miriam and Simon – after learning Ivy had been lying to him – but he was finding it difficult. He stopped so he could breathe in the crisp air, inhaling the smell of pine needles which usually made him feel centred. But his heart ached and he wished things could go back to the way they were, that he could wipe the last two weeks from his memories.
‘Grizzle,’ he said as he knocked and entered the older man’s home, with Moose and Snowball tentatively following behind.
Bowser immediately shot to his feet and began to bark, until Mairi, who was sitting beside the fire with the older man, patted the pug on the head and he quieted.
‘Do you want a Scottish cookie?’ she enquired, rising to her feet.
‘Aye, they’re good. Make sure you have some apple butter with it,’ Grizzle insisted, waving at his empty plate. ‘You could take a few lessons from the cook.’
‘I’m available anytime.’ Mairi gave Ross a penetrating look. ‘You look like you’ve lost weight, lad,’ she said, sounding concerned.
‘He’s just been eating his own food.’ The older man chuckled to himself.
‘Nae.’ Mairi stepped closer to Ross as she headed for the kitchen. ‘Put your glasses back on, you old dafty, and take a proper look. He’s pale too.’ She looked worried.
Grizzle huffed but did as he was told and rose to his feet so he could study Ross.
‘I’m fine,’ Ross insisted, embarrassed. ‘I came to see if you needed anything. But I can see you don’t, so I’ll be off.’ He was happy his friend had company – but couldn’t help feeling a little lost. His whole life felt like it had just been through a washing machine cycle and everything he used to take comfort from had been rinsed away.
‘You take a seat and eat,’ Mairi demanded as she pointed to the chair she’d just vacated. ‘I need to get back home, anyway.’ She checked her watch. ‘I’ve got a casserole in the oven that needs taking out soon.’
‘Does the casserole have dumplings in it?’ Grizzle asked, his eyes brightening.
‘Aye.’ Mairi nodded as the hint of a smile played across her lips. ‘And I’ll be bringing some over for you, old man.’ She eyed him critically. ‘There’s finally more meat on those bones,’ she joked. ‘But you could do with a lot more.’
‘When will you be back?’ Grizzle asked, idly, trying not to look at her.
‘I’m not sure,’ Mairi said brusquely.
‘Suit yourself,’ Grizzle said, turning away. ‘Can’t promise I’ll be in when you visit, but you know how to get in.’
‘Old fool,’ Mairi huffed, and Ross took a seat as a plate was shoved into his hands. ‘Make sure you eat it all,’ she instructed as she headed for the door to put on her coat.
After she’d left, the room fell silent, apart from a couple of low growls from Bowser as Moose and Snowball slumped carefully in front of the fire. Ross ate the two cookies, even though his appetite was non-existent, barely registering he’d finished them until he was staring at an empty plate.
‘I know you don’t want to talk about what happened,’ Grizzle said finally. ‘And God knows I don’t either.’ He huffed. ‘But hiding yourself away from people and not sharing isn’t the answer to anything, lad.’
‘Are you talking about you and Mairi?’ Ross asked, curious.
Grizzle shook his head. ‘This has nothing to do with the old hen,’ he complained. ‘She was only here because she keeps turning up at my house and insisting on feeding me.’
‘And you keep letting her in,’ Ross pointed out, smiling for the first time in forty-eight hours.
The hermit winced.
‘I’m not criticising,’ Ross said gently. ‘I’m happy for you.’ His love life might be a disaster but that didn’t mean he wished the same for everyone else.
‘Ach well.’ Grizzle looked embarrassed. ‘I figured if I locked the door, she’d just find some other way to sneak in. Besides, her food’s a lot better than yours.’
‘She cares about you,’ Ross said, staring down at his plate. It reminded him of his life – empty and a bit tragic.
‘The lass – Ivy – cares for you too.’ Grizzle waved a hand. ‘Any eejit can see that.’
‘I don’t want to talk about it,’ Ross insisted.
‘You should,’ the older man shot back.
Ross turned towards him and raised an eyebrow. ‘Which is why you’ve been chatting to me about Mairi ever since I arrived,’ he said sarcastically.
‘Aye, well.’ Grizzle’s shoulders heaved and he took off his glasses and began to rub them on his jumper. ‘That was just me being a numpty.’
Ross was going to ask why, but sensed Grizzle wouldn’t confide if he interrupted. So, instead, he leaned back in his chair and waited, listening to the crackle of the fire until Grizzle cleared his throat. ‘There’s not much to tell,’ he said eventually. ‘I was an eejit.’
Ross continued to contemplate the fire.
‘Ach, if you’re gonna keep nagging at me lad, I’ll have to tell you or I’m guessing you won’t ever shut up. I’m going to tell it fast and you’d better not interrupt,’ Grizzle said eventually, the words tumbling from his mouth. He finished cleaning his glasses and perched them back on the tip of his nose. ‘When I was a lad, we dated for three months and towards the end we took this trip to Inverness.’ He pulled a face. ‘I remember sitting on the bus and this shaft of light from the sun just passed across Mairi, illuminating her like…I dinnae know, an angel or something.’ Wings of pink spread across his cheeks. ‘There was this lad sitting opposite us and he smiled at her.’ He scratched a hand across his chin. ‘And I was so jealous.’ His voice dipped. ‘And I realised I loved her then, and it terrified me.’
‘Why?’ Ross asked.
Grizzle gulped. ‘Because love is a risk,’ he said simply. ‘Even watching that lad smile at her hurt.’
‘So you broke things off and moved to the middle of nowhere so you could be safe?’ Ross asked, incredulous.
‘Aye.’ Grizzle nodded. ‘And she married someone else.’ He blinked. ‘That hurt too.’
‘You’re right. You are an eejit,’ Ross murmured.
Grizzle chuckled. ‘Aye, well. Then don’t end up like me. Whatever happened with your lass, put it right. Don’t run because you’re too terrified of being hurt.’
‘I am hurt.’ Ross rubbed a palm against his chest, trying to soothe the dull ache. ‘Ivy lied to me, so it’s not the same.’
‘Maybe not exactly. But from what I can see’ – Grizzle tapped a finger on his glasses – ‘and I can see a lot more than I could… You’ve been running away for the last five years. Hiding from everyone because it’s easier than getting hurt. Are you sure your fight with Ivy wasn’t just the same – you searching for an easy escape?’
‘Of course not,’ Ross said as the words penetrated. She’d lied to him, conspired with Miriam and Simon, hadn’t she? He remembered her tears as she’d tried to talk to him in the hallway at the castle before he’d driven away. She’d told him things hadn’t been exactly as he believed. He’d ignored Connell and Bonnibell too when they’d told him Simon had called the resort multiple times trying to get in touch.
Was it because he was afraid? Was his old friend right? Ross sucked in a breath – he wasn’t sure about anything anymore.
Ross was still thinking about Ivy and Simon when he entered his house a couple of hours later. He tugged off his snow boots and coat, then paused. He perused the pictures on the wall of the hallway, stopping at the one of him standing beside Simon in the castle grounds. He reached up, intending to take the picture down. Then dropped his arm to his side, as Grizzle’s words swam in his mind. Had he turned his back on his brother? Was it because he was afraid? And was he doing the same to Ivy too?
Shaking his head, Ross wandered into the kitchen so he could pour himself a glass of whisky. He paused as he uncapped the bottle and started to tip out a shot, suddenly recalling Ivy telling him it was Miriam’s favourite brand. He sniffed the liquid and put the bottle down without pouring. Tomorrow he’d go into Christmas Village and buy a different make. For today, he was done thinking about Ivy and his family. It was time to move on.
He wandered to the fireplace so he could light a fire, trying to ignore the silence as it stretched. It suddenly seemed so quiet – too quiet. He went to switch on some Christmas music but it didn’t help.
Ross had just got a fire burning when he heard the doorbell and for a second his heart jumped as he imagined Ivy had followed him here. He almost leapt to his feet. Then he pushed away all the doubts Grizzle had put in his head as he remembered the job in London Miriam had got her and that Ivy had probably never had any genuine feelings for him.
So when Ross opened the door and saw his brother and grandmother standing on the other side, he wasn’t sure how to react. He stood gaping until Simon raised an eyebrow and held up a bag.
‘I stopped in Christmas Village to buy mince pies. I doubt they’ll compete with the ones your friend Bonnibell makes, but I hoped we might be able to bond over sugar while we’re here.’ Beside Simon, his grandmother scowled. ‘Can we come in?’ his brother asked.
Ross hesitated, then cleared his throat. ‘Aye.’ He stood back so they could join him, batting off Moose and Snowball as his pets came to welcome their guests.
Simon stroked them both before he shoved the bag into Ross’s hands and began to remove his boots and coat, stopping momentarily to take in the pictures on the wall, looking emotional.
‘How did you find me?’ Ross asked as they made their way into the main sitting room.
‘After a lot of badgering, Connell told me,’ Simon admitted.
Ross watched his grandmother take in the room. What was she thinking? Why had she come?
‘Why are you here?’ Ross asked after a few moments and folded his arms. ‘I thought you’d got what you wanted.’ He didn’t add that it was at his expense, or that the rejection had wounded him.
Simon shook his head. ‘I asked you to wait at the castle for me,’ he said, before his eyes slid to Miriam. ‘I suppose I understand why you didn’t wait, why you might not trust me yet.’
Ross could see pain slide across his brother’s face and didn’t understand.
‘But you should have,’ Simon finished. ‘Because that meeting was exactly what I said it was. A chance for all of us to talk, a way to work out what we’re going to do from this moment forwards. I’m not going to return to the castle without you, Ross. I lost my brother once and I’m not going to do it again.’ His eyes shifted to their grandmother. ‘I think we all understand that now.’
Miriam looked unhappy. ‘Can I have a glass of whisky?’ she said stiffly.
‘Aye, that’s a good idea,’ Simon said, wandering into the kitchen and nodding at the bottle of whisky Ross had left out. He opened three cupboard doors before drawing out two glasses, then he placed them beside the one Ross had left out and poured them each a shot. ‘Plates?’ he asked, and Ross nodded and opened another cupboard and got them out. He watched his brother lay out the mince pies, before taking one for himself.
‘So…’ Ross said as a glass of whisky was shoved at him. He watched Simon take a sip of the amber liquid before nodding.
‘Good brand,’ Simon said, his eyes twinkling. Then he turned to Miriam as she swallowed the contents of her glass in one.
‘Fine, your point has been received and understood,’ she said, slamming her glass on the counter. ‘Simon…’ She hesitated. ‘Has pointed out that I may not have been very welcoming when you visited the castle and that I was wrong.’
‘You mean when you told us all the only reason you wanted me to visit, was to entice him back? That you never thought I was good enough to be Laird and it was all a trick to get him to return?’ Ross asked dryly. He tried to freeze the hurt burning in his chest. He knew he’d get over it. He had before. ‘And that you sent Ivy Heart to convince me to come by offering her the job she wanted in London?’ The stab of pain that jabbed at his solar plexus would be more difficult to forget. But Ross knew he’d get over that too. Eventually.
‘Aye.’ His grandmother rubbed a hand over her brow. ‘You have to understand all I’ve ever wanted was to preserve the Ballentine traditions,’ she said.
‘And I’m not part of those?’ Ross asked. He knew the time for dancing around what had happened in the past was gone. That this conversation would hurt, but it was better than avoiding it. Even Grizzle had told him as much.
‘I never said that.’ Miriam’s shoulders sagged.
‘But we both behaved as if Ross didn’t matter,’ Simon interjected. ‘Whatever we meant, we left him to wallow in his grief alone until he decided to leave.’
Miriam’s back straightened. ‘I did what I had to do. My son died.’ She frowned. ‘And it was my responsibility to ensure everything continued as seamlessly as it should. I won’t apologise for being single-minded.’ She looked over at Ross, and her expression softened a little. ‘It doesn’t mean I didn’t care about you, it’s just?—’
‘I didn’t matter,’ Ross said flatly.
Miriam considered his words and then jerked her chin. ‘I wasn’t raised to think about feelings or to consider what children needed,’ she said, her tone cool. ‘It was always about doing the right thing, keeping the family going. There’s never been room for sentimentality or people’s hearts. Not even my own.’ She swallowed.
‘Did you blame me for our parents’ deaths?’ Ross asked, picking up the bottle of whisky and pouring a fresh shot into each of their empty glasses. They were still standing in the kitchen and suddenly he felt too weary to remain on his feet. ‘Shall we sit?’ he asked and walked to the sofa, trying not to think about the last time he’d been there with Ivy. He sat and waited for Miriam to respond.
‘In some ways—’ The older woman shrugged and sat too, then she began to fiddle with her pearl necklace. ‘I may have done, at least at first. It’s difficult, losing a child, and a little easier if you can find someone to hold responsible.’ Her expression darkened. ‘I knew it wasn’t your fault, of course.’ Her voice was gruff. ‘But I grieved, and there was never enough time to process and move on. There was always too much else to worry about.’ She drank more of the whisky, staring into the fire. ‘I had a job to do and nothing else mattered. Perhaps that’s what I used to get me through.’
She glanced up, took in Simon and Ross, who were both gazing at her.
‘I think I got used to living like that. It’s all I knew how to do,’ she said.
‘I wasn’t perfect either,’ Simon admitted. ‘That’s why I want things to be different.’
Ross stared into his glass as something inside him eased. There was a lot to think about, but at least he had a few answers now. The fact that no one really blamed him for his parents’ deaths had lifted a weight he’d barely acknowledged he was still carrying. ‘So what now?’ he asked.
Miriam took in a long breath. ‘Your brother’s suggested something.’ Her mouth pinched.
‘A compromise,’ Simon said, going to grab the plate of mince pies and offering them to Miriam and Ross. When they both refused, he took one and bit into it.
‘Simon…’ Miriam warned.
He swallowed. ‘I eat what I like now, remember?’ His brother smiled as he deliberately swallowed the rest in one go. ‘I don’t want all the responsibilities of being Laird on my shoulders.’ He turned to Ross. ‘I love Hawthorn Castle and I want to be a part of our family – but shouldering it all is both an honour and a curse.’ His eyes shifted back to Miriam. ‘The responsibility, the pressure you’ve applied for so many years, is suffocating.’
‘Aye.’ Ross nodded. ‘But what’s the solution?’ He couldn’t imagine he’d ever be part of it. And yet just having his brother sitting on his sofa made him feel better. Made him feel wanted. But he was sure that was as far as it would ever go.
‘I have a plan,’ Simon said. ‘One I’d have shared days ago if you hadn’t run off.’ He leaned forwards. ‘I’d like to share the responsibilities with you.’
He paused, giving Ross time to understand. But he couldn’t quite process what Simon wanted.
‘I don’t follow,’ Ross said, glancing at his grandmother, who was frowning.
‘We could run the castle and grounds together. Make all the decisions. Equal partners, just like we were when we were kids. It’s like what we were saying when we talked at Christmas Lodge, two heads are?—’
‘Better than one,’ Ross finished. He frowned as he considered. ‘But there can only be one Laird,’ he said.
‘And it should be Simon,’ his grandmother interjected. ‘Not that I’m saying you wouldn’t make a good one…’ She looked awkward. ‘But he’s the oldest, so it’s only right.’
‘Aye. Etiquette.’ His brother frowned. ‘I can be the figurehead, the media face of the family, unless you want to do it?’
‘Absolutely not.’ Ross shook his head.
‘Fine.’ Simon didn’t look surprised. ‘But…I don’t want to do the rest alone. I want you to be part of the future of our family too.’
‘You’ll be giving up a lot – autonomy.’ Ross’s voice was croaky with emotion as he processed what this meant.
‘I’ve never had any, so I won’t miss it,’ Simon snorted as he grabbed another mince pie. ‘As far as I’m concerned, I’ll be gaining more. A partner. Someone to share the stress with. If I’m honest, little brother – you’ll be doing me a favour.’
Ross frowned. He wasn’t sure what he wanted anymore, but being accepted back into the family fold appealed. He glanced at the two picture frames on the small oak table, at the photograph of Simon that he’d removed from the broken frame. He hadn’t been able to put those away either. ‘It might work, I suppose,’ he said finally.
‘And it would mean you could still work and live at Christmas Resort if you wanted,’ Simon said gently. ‘Perhaps you could get someone to help you to look after the grounds and run your adventures on the days you’re working with me.’
‘An assistant?’ Ross said. Connell had been nagging him about getting one. For a while he’d even wondered if Ivy would be a perfect fit – she clearly had a flair for the outdoors. But she’d be on her way to London soon, leaving for her big new job. He swallowed. ‘I…’
‘Think about it,’ Simon said as he finished his mince pie and picked up another, ignoring the irritated groan from his grandmother. ‘It means we both get the best of both worlds – I’ll be able to eat as many of these as I like.’ He grinned. ‘And you’ll be back in our lives.’
Ross glanced over at Miriam. ‘And what do you think?’ he asked, his voice husky, expecting the worst.
His grandmother dropped her hands from her pearls and placed them in her lap. ‘I want to preserve the family and castle. It’s all I’ve ever wanted,’ she said stiffly.
‘And you’ll put up with me being around so that can happen?’ Ross asked, his heart in his throat.
‘It’s not a case of putting up with you.’ Miriam slumped in her seat, looking older suddenly. ‘I…’ She swallowed and Ross could swear her eyes filled. Then she glanced away and when she looked back all sign of tears had disappeared. ‘I may be an old fool, but perhaps even I can see the benefit of having two of my grandsons working together.’ Her mouth twisted and Ross knew she was finding the words difficult to say. ‘Especially if it means they’re happier and my family is whole again.’ She swallowed the rest of her whisky in one and straightened her shoulders – and the moment passed. ‘It’s up to you though, Ross,’ she said hoarsely.
Ross knew this was the most emotion Miriam would show – but he also knew it was genuine.
‘So will you do it?’ Simon asked eagerly.
Ross considered the question. ‘Aye,’ he said, wishing suddenly that Ivy was here to share the news with. Then he frowned, because she wasn’t part of his life anymore. She had a new one in London, a career she was determined to chase. Even though she knew it wouldn’t make her happy.
His brother let out a small whoop. ‘You’ve made me happier than I’ve been in a long time.’ He patted Ross’s back. ‘I know Ivy will be relieved.’
At the mention of her name Ross shook his head. ‘Why, because it’ll secure the job Grandmother promised her?’ he asked bitterly.
‘But she’s not going to London,’ Simon said.
‘Nae, she’s not,’ Miriam said, sounding annoyed.
‘What?’ Ross asked.
‘I thought you knew?’ Simon looked confused. ‘She told me she’s not taking the job. Last time I saw her she was about to tell her mother that.’
‘So what’s she doing instead?’ Ross asked, searching his brother’s face.
Simon shrugged.
‘She’s taken a holiday.’ Miriam’s disapproval was clear from her tone. ‘She’ll be back in a couple of days. When my PA returns from her maternity leave, Ivy will be free to do whatever she pleases – whatever that is.’
Ross sat back on the sofa. Ivy had given up the job she’d lied to him to get. What did that mean? He felt a stir in his chest and knew it was hope. Knew he had to talk to her.
’I need to see her,’ he said, gazing at his brother.
Miriam cleared her throat. ‘I think I can arrange that,’ she said. ‘I suppose it’s the least I can do. Besides…’ A twinkle flared in her eyes before disappearing. ‘If you’re going to be living at the castle from now on, I’d prefer you had a smile on your face…’