Chapter 37
For some reason, the cut on Gabriella’s side was hurting more today than when it had happened.
It ached and itched as she looked out and over the people congregated to listen to her in this charming, old factory building, its interior not just filled with books, but also decorated with hanging festive garlands and an evergreen tree bedecked with coloured baubles.
As she read a passage from Zero Fucks Given – the section chosen by Cheyenne (of course) – her mind was not on the words she was saying, it was on whatever stylist wizardry Luca had performed on her yet again.
And she didn’t mean the outfit. The classic dress in an indigo blue really did frame and fit her like a second skin and with heels a centimetre shorter than the ones she had tried originally, it was perfect.
There was no doubt that Luca excelled in his chosen career.
But, like a badly-stitched garment, she was coming undone in his presence and she really needed to get a grip of that.
She came to the end of the paragraph she was reading and, as expected, everyone in the audience applauded.
She smiled – warmly, obviously – and went to retake her seat next to the host from the library – Libby – who was coordinating the event.
‘Wasn’t that such a moving piece?’ Libby asked the audience who all clapped again in appreciation.
‘Thank you, all, so, so much,’ Gabriella said, putting a hand to her heart.
She truly did appreciate how everyone had taken the book into their hearts and used it to alter their mindset but, personally, there was still a gaping wound that deep breathing, a walk in the sunshine and daily affirmations of positivity didn’t seem to be able to mend.
But could your own words ever really fix yourself?
‘So, now we’re gonna take some questions from the audience,’ Libby continued. ‘If you’d like to ask Gabriella a question, please raise your hand.’
What? She had been given the list of pre-approved questions from Cheyenne.
This was one of the things she’d insisted on.
Yes, perhaps the hosts preferred spontaneity and the opportunity to research some skeletons to drag out of the closet but, with the nature of this book, it was in everyone’s best interests to focus on the doing good.
She sat completely still, but internally she was squirming.
Hands were being raised, many of them. Surely there wouldn’t be many questions that were contentious and having done this for well over a year now, she knew she could deflect like a seasoned politician.
‘Yes, ma’am, in the red sweater.’
The woman stood up and Gabriella smiled, engaging full eye contact. ‘What’s your name?’
‘I’m Martha. I’m so excited to be here. I just love your book.’
‘Thank you so much, Martha. And thank you for taking the time to come here. So, what question do you want to ask?’
Keep calm. Martha looks friendly. She’s excited not threatening.
‘I wanted to ask about your family.’
Gabriella’s stomach started to revolve like something was whisking up Christmas eggnog inside it. Get ready to trot out the same lines that meant nothing and gave away even less.
‘I just wanted to know, I mean they must be, but I wanted to hear it from you, how proud of you they are and how supportive have they been throughout this journey?’
Gabriella pressed her tongue to the roof of her mouth and hoped it would stabilise just about everything. What did she say to that? Words to buy time while her brain kicked into gear. Until she could signal to Cheyenne to make this end quickly…
‘Oh, Martha,’ Gabriella began. ‘What a really wonderful question. Honestly, wonderful.’ She inhaled as so many memories of the most unsupportive times with her parents rained down on her mind.
The raging when she was being ‘uncooperative’ by having her own opinion.
The control and manipulation used like family life was warfare. ‘The truth is…’
The truth was not what was going to come out of her mouth next. What was going to come out of her mouth next would be a comfort statement that would pacify Martha and support the themes of the book.
‘The truth is,’ Gabriella began, ‘I am so very lucky to be surrounded by the most fantastic team of people who spend so much time investing their efforts in ensuring the future of everything this book stands for,’ Gabriella said.
‘As you know, Martha, Zero Fucks Given has an overarching theme of acceptance, embracing difference and making your own life uniquely yours.’ She took a breath and held it as her mother’s face came to mind.
That tight, sharp, thin-lipped smile that could be used to cut the wax cocoon off festively-flavoured cheddar.
‘Everyone around me always has their focus directly set on their unique understanding of what this book needs to be to reach as many people as possible. And, I believe, that’s something to be super proud of.
’ She nodded, indicating she had said all she was going to say in answer to Martha’s question and, the fact was, she had said absolutely nothing and everything all at the same time.
And, as Martha thanked her profusely for her answer, Gabriella’s eyes looked out into the rows of seats ahead of her and immediately found Luca’s.
He was watching her and she knew, instinctively now, that somehow, despite her best efforts, he was decoding her every move.
And, as another person stood and asked her a question, she realised she was as excited by Luca knowing a part of her as she was scared to death.