Chapter 64
THE ROYCE HOTEL, MANHATTAN
Gabriella set the burger down on the table of the balcony patio and pulled up a chair.
She had lit the heater and ten minutes before had cleared the light snowfall off the table and chair.
They had collected Mr Darcy from Eric and the dog and Phoebe were now sleeping, or at least in her bed resting.
Gabriella, meanwhile, was waiting for this conversation she knew she had to have before she looked at her phone or her laptop or had to face Cheyenne over her publicist’s temporary imprisonment at the bookstore.
She sat down, wrapping the duvet from the master bedroom around her coat-clad body, looked to the stars and waited…
Nothing.
She let a few minutes tick by and then she opened her eyes again and stared at the Loulou burger getting cold.
She grabbed the bun with both hands and sunk her teeth into it, taking the utmost pleasure in all the ingredients the healthy diet pages of her book would have frowned upon. And then, finally…
You haven’t tried to hear me for a little while, Ella-Bella.
Gabriella wiped her mouth with her hand. ‘I know, Lulu, but things here have been a bit crazy.’ She put the burger down again.
Like me.
‘No, not like you.’
You do think I was crazy though, don’t you?
‘Not in a bad way.’
In a good way?
‘In a very-complicated-and-largely-misunderstood-by-most kind of way.’
Thank you, Ella-Bella.
‘What for?’
For being the best sister ever.
‘Oh,’ Gabriella said. ‘I don’t know about that.’
Well, I’m telling you, you are. And it actually doesn’t matter what you think because it’s a truth.
A truth. Exactly what she’d talked about with Luca tonight.
You’re thinking it sounds like what you talked about with Luca tonight, aren’t you, Ella-Bella?
‘Ah, so you’re a mind reader, now?’
I’ve always known what you’re thinking. It’s a sister thing.
‘Is that right?’
You should have told him the truth about me tonight when you were ice skating. What happened on the balcony that night. What you haven’t told anyone. What you don’t want to because it still makes you sad.
Gabriella shook her head. She knew she had to confront it and she knew she had to face it now, but that didn’t mean it was easy by any means. Time had passed, yes, but the pain hadn’t faded away.
Ella-Bella, there was nothing you could do for me. And there was nothing I wanted you to do for me.
‘I know that but, when you slipped I—’
When I stepped off, Ella-Bella. I didn’t slip, you know that. I was a very talented dancer and my balance was one of my best attributes. Madame Needham always said that.
‘I know, but—’
I’d tried to slip. Many times. You know, just dance along the marble, lean back slightly too far or try a spin that went awry, but those times I would hear Phoebe or you or Dad knocking something over and I’d think ‘not yet’, ‘not quite yet’.
Just keep trying for everyone, keep pretending, just fight because your family wants you to. Your daughter thinks she needs you.
Gabriella felt the knot in her throat growing, the ache in her chest heavier as the atmosphere of the winter night deepened.
But that night I was so tired, Ella-Bella. So exhausted of fighting for other people when I just needed it all to stop. Not for me, but for the good of everyone else. And I still believe it was for good, Ella-Bella.
‘I can’t agree with you. Because I miss you. So much. And Phoebe misses you desperately.’
But I know you are better for Phoebe. I realised that then. You are better than I ever could have been. That is another truth.
‘No,’ Gabriella said, shaking her head.
I liked the questions Phoebe asked you tonight.
I like that she remembers all my favourite things – my music, my books.
I don’t like that she knows I wasn’t a good mummy to her, but I am glad she doesn’t pretend that I was anything more than I was.
And that’s why you’re right to do what you’re doing with the book, Ella-Bella.
She nodded.
Maybe I couldn’t be saved, but I believe some people, they definitely can be and many of them want to be. But not with silly little green teas or organic grapefruits or lots of push-ups and yoga classes. With kindness and understanding, with patience and time. With hope. With love.
Gabriella was crying now, her sister’s voice so vivid in her ears.
Ella-Bella, when I stepped off and you caught hold of the bracelet—’
‘No. Don’t talk about it.’
And then the bracelet broke.
‘Stop, Lulu.’
And you grabbed my hand.
‘Please, don’t say it.’
It wasn’t because you weren’t strong enough to hold me. You know that.
‘Lulu,’ Gabriella begged, tears tumbling from her eyes.
I just let go.
Gabriella put her hands to her face now and sobbed, her grief pouring from her more honestly than ever before. And she kept crying until her eyes were red and sore and her chest ached.
Don’t cry, Ella-Bella. Because you have so much smiling and laughing to do in the future. And if you don’t start by dating Luca I am going to properly haunt you. And I mean properly, with a pretty white ghost dress and chains and I might even burst out of a wardrobe and sing Metallica or something.
Gabriella sniffed, picking up a burger napkin and wiping her nose with it.
Make a pledge, Ella-Bella. That you will live the life you want. Not a pretence, or something Mummy or Daddy thinks you should do. Eat all the burgers and bacon and teach Phoebe how to feel free. Can you promise me that?
Gabriella nodded. ‘I promise.’
Good. Oh, and please take Mr Darcy back to England. I really want to see Mummy’s face when she meets him.
‘OK,’ Gabriella said with a smile.
I love you, Ella-Bella.
‘I love you too, Lulu.’
And, as Gabriella looked up at the New York stars making twinkling shapes that seemed to be dancing in the night sky, she had a feeling this was the last conversation with her sister she was ever going to have.