Chapter 20 #3
He’s had a stronger relationship with his parents ever since.
He spent more time with his father and got to know his mother as more than just matriarch of the castle.
He spent the next fifteen years healing, going to therapy and attempting to control his powers.
He didn’t indulge as much as he used to.
Sometimes his body still craved those wild days, but he knew it wouldn’t fill the void left behind.
He was slowly getting better, but something triggered this outburst. The thought of admitting it aloud freezes him in place. If it wasn’t for the man who held him close, he wouldn’t be able to finish his story.
“As much as I tried to come to terms with that day, to grieve and process the trauma, there was still a part of me that tried to bury it all deep inside so that I wouldn’t face what I was most scared of.”
Eddie is still here, rubbing circles into his back, listening and not pushing Jackson away in fear and disgust. “What are you scared of, Jackson? What’s been causing your magic to freak out this way?”
The question is so innocent, but answering it would mean admitting something Jackson doesn’t want out in the world.
He looks up from Eddie’s chest, his forest green eyes once more gazing longingly into Eddie’s ocean blue.
His lips quiver as he breaks into a full body sob, “Losing people I care about. I’m so scared of losing you and Hakeem, like I lost Ravi that day.
I never thought I’d open myself up again like I did with him, but it comes so easy with you two.
At first it was just the anxiety of opening up to people after so many years and then…
and then.” Jackson’s tears come out with a vengeance, but he has to finish, for his sake.
“Hakeem was confronted by a cultist, and you know how dangerous some of those people can be, their minds twisted by dark magic. He could have been taken or worse and you could have been hurt if it was anyone more experienced than that punk. I’d just found you two and the idea of losing either of you was too much to bear.
I’m not strong enough to go through that again. ”
Eddie pulls Jackson in as close as he can, burying the elven man’s face into the crook of his neck.
“I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
I can’t even imagine the grief you’ve been holding onto for so many years.
I’m glad you could open up to us, but I’m also sorry it reopened all these old wounds. ”
Jackson can’t believe his ears, believing himself undeserving of these kind words.
“Eddie, don’t apologize, I’m a monster and a murderer.
I killed so many that night when my magic awakened to what it is now.
I should have been punished for what I did, instead it was swept under a rug for who I am.
I don’t deserve you two. You shouldn’t show this kindness to a killer like me. ”
Jackson struggles to push himself away. Eddie releases him—and Jackson immediately loses balance, falling backward.
Eddie catches him by his slender waist, holding his face in his large hand.
He stares down at Jackson, expression hard, a fire burning in his ocean blue eyes.
“Never say that about yourself again. You’ve been punishing yourself for decades.
I’m not saying what happened that night was justified by what you lost, but never call yourself a monster again, Jackson.
A monster wouldn’t have a heart like yours to break.
A monster would never shed tears like you have, would never feel the guilt you’ve been carrying for sixty long years.
“You’re not a monster Jackson, because you feel remorse. You’re not a monster because you held back against that cultist instead of lashing out like I know you wanted to.”
Jackson furrows his brows at that. “How do you know anything about that?”
Eddie narrows his eyes, gaze darkening as he speaks. “Because I wanted to tear him to shreds with my bare hands just for touching Hakeem. You lost the man you loved, the friends who you built a life with. I can never understand that pain or dare be the one to judge you for it.”
Jackson feels Eddie tense underneath him. He inhales deeply, before letting out a slow exhale. Jackson looks up at him, brow furrowed. He gives Eddie the time to gather himself, hoping to return even a fraction of the comfort the large man had given him.
“I spent my teen years angry and resentful, the powerless son of a powerful family. The runt of the litter who was forever destined to be the baby. My family even chose my birthday over the Winter solstice gala at Castle Nocturne for years into adulthood, as though not celebrating would destroy me. I lashed out and rebelled to try and erase my insecurities. It wasn’t until I found Ozzy and Bernie, my best friends for nearly a decade, that I could finally allow myself to just be me.
Not to be the sibling left behind, but the one to forge my own path.
That option was ripped away from you that day and I can’t say I wouldn’t have gone on a rampage myself if I ever lost anyone I cared for the way you have.
“You’re not a monster, Jackson. You’re just a man with a broken heart whose magic took the form of what you wanted most in that moment.
It shaped itself to take revenge on those who stole your world from you.
If you want to repent then live your life and dedicate it to doing good.
You have the chance to make this world the best version of itself as the heir to House Nocturne.
Don’t try to pay your penance by losing your heart. ”
Jackson doesn’t deserve the people in his life who made him feel like he was worth more than his family name.
But, looking into Eddie’s eyes; eyes filled with determination and kindness he thinks to himself maybe, just for this moment, he would allow himself to believe that he did.
He reaches up to caress Eddie’s cheek with his hand, still shaking from the rawness of the emotions he revealed to the man before him.
He leans up and presses their foreheads together, closing his eyes as he feels Eddie’s warm breath tickle his cheeks.
“Thank you, Eddie, you truly have no idea how much this means to me. I can never repay your kindness.”
Eddie closes his eyes and focuses on Jackson’s steadying breath, “I have an idea if you’ll indulge a selfish request.”
Jackson giggles at the thought, “After tonight, almost nothing would be too selfish of you to ask.”
Eddie pulls back and looks Jackson head on, “Don’t be alone tonight. Stay with me.”
The request shocks Jackson, leaving him speechless for a moment. “I’m fine on the couch, Eddie, it’s not too banged up. You should go sleep in your own bed.”
Eddie shakes his head slowly. “Please, Jackson, I would sleep much better knowing you weren’t alone after what happened tonight.”
Jackson tries to play coy, waggling his eyebrows. “I’m not sure I’m comfortable sharing a bed with you, Eddie. It’s almost scandalous.” He lowers his voice on the last word. The joke earns a grin from Eddie, one laced with something dangerous.
He wraps Jackson up in his arms and lets them both fall backwards. “Woah, Eddie!” Jackson can’t help but sniffle and laugh at the sudden movement.
“Then we’ll stay where we have been. Get comfy.”
Eddie’s smirk spreads across his face, Jackson didn’t know the man could be so devious. “You are truly unbelievable. And you cannot be comfortable like this!” Jackson tries to admonish the man but betrays himself by nuzzling in close, bathing in the warmth that radiated from Eddie.
“I’ll take that as a compliment,” says Eddie, matter of factly.
Jackson didn’t think he could be laughing so soon after exposing the darkest parts of him, but it comes easily with Eddie. He can’t deny his exhaustion, and he can see Eddie’s eyes grow heavy as well. “What will Hakeem think when he finds us like this?”
Eddie ponders the question for a moment, that self-satisfied grin still plastered on his face. “Perhaps he’ll get jealous and ask to join? I’m sure we could squeeze him in, the couch is big enough after all.”
The laughter that the two of them share is genuine, a lightness cutting through the darkness of the night that had unfolded. “You know what? That isn’t the worst idea I’ve heard. But then there will be a question we’ll be forced to answer.”
Eddie raises a quizzical eyebrow, “Oh? And what would that question be?”
Jackson draws tiny circles on Eddie’s chest, his finger leaving goosebumps where they traced. Eddie sharply inhales through clenched teeth at the sensation. Jackson smirks his own evil smirk at the sound coming from Eddie. “Which of us is the best to cuddle?”
Eddie throws his head back in a stark laugh, “I think that title will be mine to claim.”
Jackson feigns a shocked expression, “Oh, is that so? What makes you so sure?”
Eddie tilts his head back down to the man lying on his chest, “I haven’t heard any complaints from you yet.”
Jackson’s eyes widen and his cheeks flush red, “Well, you got me there.”
He hides his face in Eddie’s shirt, unable to ignore the fact that the man’s heart is beating faster than it had before. “I’m sure Hakeem will have some scientific way to prove who among us is the best to cuddle, but I hope that can wait till the morning.”
Eddie chuckles in a way that causes his stomach to bounce up and down, shaking Jackson with it. “Watch it, chuckles, some of us are trying to fall asleep. I don’t need an earthquake simulator.” Jackson’s smile betrays any annoyance he tries to place in his voice.
“Sorry, sorry. You’re just too adorable sometimes.”
Both men pause at the comment, the room falling silent save for Princess Bandits soft snores. They both turn their heads to hide the blush that has made itself home on their cheeks.
“Goodnight, Eddie. Thank you again for tonight.”
“Anything for you, Jackson. Goodnight.”
Both men fall asleep shortly after, adrenaline wearing off and exhaustion creeping into their bones. Their breathing evens out and soft snores fill the air. Eddie still has one arm draped over Jackson’s sleeping form. Jackson has one arm falling to the side, the other holding onto Eddie’s chest.
Eddie wanted to talk to Jackson about going to the ball together with Hakeem, but after the heart to heart they had that evening he knew Jackson didn’t need to worry about masquerade balls and society events.
All he needs are friends and people who care for him.
Something Eddie hopes he and Hakeem can become for Jackson.
Though that conversation would have to wait for a later time.
For now, this would be enough to satisfy the feelings growing in Eddie’s heart.
Mine.