Chapter 20 – Kev
CHAPTER TWENTY
KEV
Shielding his eyes against the morning sun on his way to meet Madigan in the parking lot, Kev checked himself when he didn’t see Lydia in her usual spot, but a white Bluebird Basin utility truck parked there instead.
“Morning,” Madigan said, swinging a set of keys around his finger after he dismounted the lodge steps. “You look well rested.”
“And you look…weird,” he told Madigan, suspicious of the bounce in his step, his cagey grin. “What’s happening? Where’s Lydia? Did Jen cancel or something?” After sitting with Davis in the flowers yesterday and another—very well-behaved—moonlit walk with her last night, Kev had been buzzing all morning. But his amperage dialed way down at the thought that he might not get to work with River today.
“I’m sorry, pal.” Madigan sighed. And while Kev thought did he just call me ‘pal’? Madigan clasped a hand over his shoulder and said, “Lydia needed some work done this morning. Old girl’s got some starter issues. Shannon and Tex have her in the garage.”
“Oh, man,” Kev said. “Sorry about that, Boss.” He knew how important the Suburban was to Madigan. But there wasn’t much Bluebird’s short, feisty, and damn good maintenance manager couldn’t fix. “I’m sure Shannon will get her sorted out.”
“I’m sure she will too.” There was that grin again. Cagey, calculating… squirrelly .
“We taking the pickup then?” Kev asked, tilting his head toward the Bluebird Basin truck in Lydia’s spot.
Swinging the keys around his finger one last time before catching them in his fist, Madigan said, “No. We’re not.” He grabbed Kev’s hand and slapped the keys into his palm. “But you are.”
Kev stared blankly at the small set of keys, at the yellow smiley face charm grinning up at him. “I am?”
Fishing something out of his back pocket, Madigan said, “Yep. I checked, and this is still valid. Kept forgetting to give it to you after I got you back.”
Kev took his driver’s license from between Madigan’s fingers, the words I got you back filtering through about ten different possible translations in his head. I got you back to Red Falls. I got you back to Bluebird. I got you back to safety. I got you back home…
“I’ll be pretty busy today,” Madigan said while Kev wondered what it all meant, getting his license back, getting access to a vehicle, being trusted like this. “And I think with how much time you’re spending at the barn, it’ll be easier on everyone for you to have some independence getting there and back. Ashley said you can use the pickup. It’s stick. You cool with that?”
Kev wasn’t great at stick by any stretch, but he’d figure it out. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m cool,” he said, scratching his head, unable to stop the heat from creeping up his throat, the mist from clouding his vision at this show of faith. “It’s really nice of Ashley to do this for me. It’s really nice of both of you. I won’t let you down. I promise.”
“I know you won’t,” Madigan said, rock steady, no hesitation, no apprehension. Like he really did trust him. While Kev sank into himself, trying to make sense out of the emotions sweeping through him, Madigan asked, “You’re still enjoying working with Jen, right? ”
The question yanked him back up to the surface. “Oh, yeah,” he said. “It’s amazing.”
Widening his stance, crossing his arms, Madigan said, “That’s great, Kev. Do you think it’ll help the other guys?”
“Oh, for sure.” His voice rose, enthusiasm ringing through each word. Even though he’d been a little…distracted lately, he’d been meaning to talk to Madigan about Jen’s program, about how much it had affected him. “Just the grooming and the groundwork alone would be great for the guys,” he said. “It’s all about trust and relationship building. It’s all about getting real. Because you can’t lie to a horse. I’m not even sure you can lie to yourself around a horse. They see straight through you. It’s, like, honesty bootcamp.”
“Hmm.” Madigan’s lips tipped into a grin. “Maybe I should give it a try too.”
Kev could see it: big, bearded, tattooed Boss up on a horse. “You should,” he said, grinning too. “I think you’d learn a lot about yourself. And Jen is awesome. She’s kind and understanding, but she’s no pushover. She really gets it.”
“And the horse you’re working with?” Madigan asked. “Brook or something?”
“River,” Kev said.
“River, that’s right. How’s it going with River?”
“It’s slow,” Kev admitted, rubbing his thumb over the smiley face charm. “She might have even more trust issues than I do.” It felt strange admitting this out loud, but not necessarily in a bad way. Just a little too sensitive, like freshly healed skin after removing a bandage. “But I’m going to try to halter her today for the first time.”
Rocking back on his heels, Madigan said, “Well, whatever haltering is, I hope it goes well. And thank you, Kev. Thank you for trying out this program for me. For opening yourself up to it.” He held out his hand. “You’ve given me a lot to think about.”
Kev looked down, momentarily paralyzed. A handshake. Madigan was offering him a handshake. It was a simple gesture, common even. But when Kev took Madigan’s hand in his, when he squeezed and shook it once, it didn’t feel simple. It felt monumental .
After they let each other go, Kev took a shaky step back and said, “I guess I’d better hit the road.”
Madigan stood his ground. “Drive safely. Wear your seat belt.”
Gripping his keys tightly until the metal bit into his palm, trying to distract himself from the ache boring into his chest, Kev said, “Thanks, Madigan. I will.”
As soon as he pulled up to the barn, Jen came striding out of her office to meet him.
“Madigan told me you’d be driving yourself here today,” she said, all smiles while he hopped out of the truck. “Freedom, right?”
Shutting the door, jingling his keys—which made Eleanor tear across the parking lot toward him like he’d rung her dinner bell—Kev said, “Heck yes.”
“Congratulations.”
He bumped Jen’s waiting knuckles with his. “Thanks.”
Jen was a vibrant kind of person, always overflowing with energy even though Kev knew she was exhausted from the backbreaking work of running the barn by herself, plus her side job at the nursing home. And then there was the occasional babysitting of her alcoholic husband. And even though she looked happy to see Kev today, even though she was as upbeat as always, hints of deep blue still hung beneath her eyes.
They hadn’t really had a chance to talk after Scott had showed up the other day. And even though he knew their situation was none of his business, he cared about Jen. She was good people. He wanted to check in.
While Eleanor wove in and out of his legs, scratching her fuzzy head on his calves, he asked, “Are you okay? You know, since Scott was here? ”
Her smile faded. Not all the way, just a small cloud passing over the sun. “I’m okay.” She slid her hands into her back pockets and shrugged. “Just another day.”
It was clear by her tight jaw and clipped reply that she didn’t want to talk about it. And maybe he shouldn’t have asked. But at least now, if she did want to talk, hopefully she’d know he’d be there to listen.
While her smile slid back into place, she said, “I have been waiting all morning to tell you something.”
“Oh yeah?” he asked, reaching down to pick Eleanor up after she stood with her paws on his thigh and squeaked out the most adorable half-silent meow.
“I was walking Tom Collins down the road past River’s pasture yesterday, and she actually came to the fence. She even let Tom sniff her nose.”
“She did?” He would have smiled too if Eleanor hadn’t chosen that moment to headbutt his chin. Because River never showed any interest in other horses.
“I mean,” Jen hedged, “she eventually squealed so loud my ears rang and then took off. But yeah. All the work you’re doing with her, I think it’s helping. I think you’re getting through to her. Whoa, Kev. Are you okay?”
He’d set Eleanor down and stayed there, bracing himself with his hands on his knees. “Yeah,” he said, trying not to either pass out or throw up or cry. He wasn’t sure which. “It’s just been a really emotional week. I think it’s all catching up to me at once.”
Rubbing his back, Jen asked, “Want to come sit down for a while? I can make a fresh pot of coffee.”
Coffee did sound good, but he couldn’t wait. Pushing himself back up, waiting for the world to stop spinning, he said, “Actually, would you mind if I started with River today and worked with you after?”
“Not at all.” Looping her arm through his, like she wasn’t quite sure that he was safe on his own yet, she led him toward the barn door and said, “I bought a fresh bag of mints yesterday. Just for you.”
How much candy was too much for a horse to eat? The question rolled vaguely around Kev’s mind while he fed River another mint, and then another. But she was there, eating them straight from his palm, following him around her pasture while he told her every detail of how things were going with Davis. Including their hug, their near kiss surrounded by wildflowers, his decision to start wearing shirts. She shook her head at that one.
The mint bribery, the talking, the walking around, it all had a purpose. And that purpose was to lead her to the front gate of her pasture—where he’d hung a simple rope halter.
“Do you know what this is?” he asked once they reached the gate, holding the halter in his hands.
She eyed the rope warily but continued to crunch her mint. Which he took as a positive sign.
“I want to take you for a walk,” he told her. “Maybe get out of here for a little bit, see the sights, stretch your legs. But you have to wear this first.” He held up the halter, then hung it back on the gate. Turning to face her, he said, “It will go here.” Slowly, he reached out to run his hand over her nose.
She balked at the touch, her nostrils flaring. But when he said, “Easy, girl,” in a gentle tone while giving her another mint, she settled.
He brushed his palm down her nose, putting the slightest pressure through the contact. Just to see how she’d react. When she lowered her head, not fighting him, he slid his hand up her face, over her forehead, running his fingers along the soft hair under her forelock, scratching her there. She seemed to like it, twitching her lips over his jeans pocket. Or maybe she just wanted more mints .
“Can I show you where else the halter will go?” He wouldn’t ever have gone as far as to call the expression on her face enthused , but at least she didn’t look scared.
Unwrapping another mint, holding it under her nose, he lowered his hand and waited for her to drop her head. When she did, he placed his other hand over her pole, where the halter strap would put pressure behind her ears. And then he braced himself, ready to step back and out of her way in case she whipped her head back up. But she didn’t startle, didn’t shy. She just crunched her mint, watching him intently from the corner of her eye while he massaged her pole, scratched under her mane, moving his hand all the way down her neck, running it over the length of her back.
“Good girl,” he praised. “See? It’s not so bad.”
The loud breath she blew out through her nostrils wasn’t quite a snort. More like a deeply annoyed sigh.
“Should we try it?” he asked, taking the halter from the fence again.
Her eyes went wide, showing their whites. And there was the fear. There was the mistrust.
“River,” he said, lowering the halter, letting it dangle by his side. “If you don’t want this, you can just back away. I won’t force you. And I know you’ve been through a lot. I have too. Probably nowhere near as much or as bad as you, but I have a hard time trusting people just like you do. The thing is,” he told her, pushed the words past the fist closing around his throat, “it’s really hard to do this life thing all alone. And there are some amazing people out there. Kind people. Forgiving people.” Davis’s face bloomed into view. “Beautiful people. I know it’s scary. I know it can feel safer to keep everyone at arm’s length. I know it’s hard to accept even good people into your life when you’re worried they’ll end up hurting you. Or worse, leaving you.” That part was a struggle to get out, a sharp pang in his chest. “But you are surrounded by love here. Nobody will hurt you. I promise. ”
She blinked, the hard lines around her eyes and her mouth softening.
“Besides.” He gave her a flat, apologetic smile. “I’m out of mints.”
Pawing at the ground, not believing him, she sniffed at his pocket, nudged his hip with her nose.
“But I know where there are more,” he said, lightly brushing the halter along her neck. “A lot more. We just have to trust each other to get there. What do you think?”
“Holy shit,” Jen whispered through her fingers, her hand covering her mouth. “I can’t believe it.”
After leading River around her pasture long enough to feel fairly certain she wouldn’t just rear back and bolt the second he opened the gate, Kev took the risk, walking with her down the road back to the barn. Eleanor trotting behind them the entire time.
“I’m out of mints,” he told Jen, stopping with River in the parking lot, letting her graze in the small patch of grass beside the barn. “I promised her I’d find more once we got here.”
“Oh, sure. Of course,” Jen said, wide-eyed. “She can have all the mints. Just”—she held out her hand, like if she didn’t, they’d vanish—“hang on.”
When she returned from her office with the entire bag of mints in her hand, Kev really did wonder if River might get sick today.
“What a good girl,” Jen cooed, slowing her forward progress when River pinned her ears flat back against her head. “That’s okay, sweetheart. I’ll stay right over here.” When Jen’s blue eyes met Kev’s, they shone like glass. “This is amazing, Kev. You’ve got a gift. I think you’re a natural trainer.”
“Oh, um…” He cleared his throat, his cheeks suddenly scalding. “Thanks. I was thinking,” he said, playing off how touched he was by the compliment, but also how nervous he was to ask this question. Th is question that felt too important. So much more than his desire to give River a richer and fuller life. So much more than worrying that her isolation wasn’t good for her. Because the question was about him too. It was about his past, his own isolation, his invisible scars. Nobody should have to live their lives alone. “Have you ever tried to give River a pasture buddy?”
Jen rubbed her chin, looking at River the way a hiker might look at a dormant but rumbling volcano before attempting to hike it. “Once,” she said. “But she kicked Clyde so hard he got a bone bruise and had to be on stall rest for two weeks.”
“Shoot.” Kev winced. But he’d lashed out before too, hadn’t he? He’d done things to protect himself that might not have made sense to anyone else. He’d known the fear, the feeling that fists were safer than words. That it was better to be hard than vulnerable. That it was better to fight than it was to trust. “It’s just, sometimes I wonder if she’s lonely out there all by herself.”
“I know. I do too,” Jen agreed. “I guess I’d be willing to try again. I’m just not sure who to put with her. It’s gotta be the right horse. I think Clyde was a little too interested , if you know what I mean. It’s gotta be a horse who’s willing to give her some space at first. Not some big dumb gelding who immediately tries to sniff her butt.”
“What about Maggie?” he asked, playing the ace he’d been holding up his sleeve. “She’s such a strong mare. I bet even River would sense it and not try to mess with her. And I can’t see Maggie wanting to sniff anyone’s butt.”
“Maggie…” Jen peered past him to where the pony was grazing in her pasture. “I put her in with the geldings a few months ago to keep the peace when they weren’t behaving. But they’re pretty stable now, so she can probably move. You know.” She flashed him a grin. “It’s not a bad idea.”
Like she finally realized they were talking about her, River raised her head, making Kev laugh at the huge clump of crab grass sticking wildly out of her mouth .
“Let’s put them in the round pen together and see what happens,” Jen said. “I’ll go grab the pony.” Taking a wide, respectful path around River—who pinned her ears back again because she really did seem to dislike her—Jen made her way toward Maggie’s pasture. But then she stopped, turned back, and placed her hands on her hips. “I hope I’m not out of line by saying this, Kev. But you seem different lately.”
“I do?” he asked, surprised by the statement. Not because he didn’t feel different, which he did, on a cellular level. But because he didn’t think other people had noticed.
“Yeah.” Her head tilted thoughtfully. “You’re… I don’t know. Lighter.”
Holding on to River’s lead rope more tightly, using the pressure to ground himself, he said, “I, um. I think it’s being here. Doing this program, working with you, working with River. I think it’s helping.”
He wouldn’t tell her about the other reason for the change in him. About how beautiful Davis’s eyes looked in the moonlight. How when she’d dropped him off at his cabin last night, she’d stared at his lips for a solid five seconds before realizing it, before blurting out an adorably rattled “good night” as she scampered back to the lodge. How jacked he was to help her with the training ride she’d planned for the weekend.
While River tried to tug him toward the grass again, he said, “I told Madigan this morning that I thought it would help the other guys too.”
Jen’s smile was so warm he felt it where he stood, a little glow in his cheeks. “Thank you, Kev,” she said. “I’m thrilled that you’re feeling the benefits of this therapy. And I’m so grateful you were willing to give it a try.” Then her smile faltered, the clouds crowding above her again, shadowing her expression. “Life can get pretty heavy. We all deserve a little lightness every once in a while.”
Just like she’d been doing for him, he wanted to push the clouds away for her too. He’d thought about asking Madigan if he could spend more time at the barn just to give her a break from the constant chores. Partially because he loved a lot of those chores. Mostly because he remembered another woman in his life who’d worked too hard, someone he should have tried harder to help, someone he wished he’d taken more of the burden from when he’d had the chance. But by the time he found the courage to open his mouth, Jen had already started walking away.