Wish You Were Here

Chapter 6

6

‘Oh, Deedee, there you are.’ Rosie appeared in the kitchen wearing a lovely sunshine-yellow dress and with a giant notepad tucked under her left arm. ‘Gina mentioned that you were doing yoga – how was it?’

‘Very restorative. And thanks for the pastries and the coffee, Rosie, so thoughtful of you.’

‘It’s a pleasure. The bakery is utterly adorable. I originally went in with the idea of seeing if they could bake a brilliant birthday cake for you, but they very politely declined, I’m afraid.’ Rosie’s smile drooped at the corners. ‘You know, they are fully booked up with commissions right through to Independence Day in July, which doesn’t surprise me as the cakes they had in there were out of this world! We are talking ten tiers with fascinators on top and fountain sparklers! They certainly don’t do things by half here, do they? But don’t worry, we will find somewhere, or worst-case scenario I will bake a cake myself, although it won’t be ten tiers, not sure my baking skills could cope with that. I promise you won’t go without thou?—’

‘Ah, you don’t need to bake, Rosie,’ Deedee jumped in. ‘But thank you. Yiannis’s sister, Cleo, has it all covered, she’s a chef, remember,’ she added, realising they needed to have a proper conversation before Rosie got any more invested in the party planning. It would only make her feel even more let down to be told later on. ‘And sorry for not joining you last night.’ Deedee stepped forward to give her friend a hug. ‘I hope you had a good time,’ she added, remembering Rosie’s comment about it not being the same without her.

‘I sure did…’ Rosie said easily and put the notepad on the breakfast bar.

She wrapped her arms around Deedee, who let herself sink into her friend’s embrace. She smelled divine, of almonds and honey, and it was comforting and soothing. Deedee instantly felt lifted and grateful for their friendship. Since the phone call with Yiannis, she was determined to push herself on an upward trajectory and appreciate all the good things and wonderful people she had in her life as she tried hard not to hanker after the past. And Rosie was such a light in her life. Like the proverbial Pollyanna, Rosie’s upbeat outlook was a rare thing in this day and age, and she was a person to be cherished, not pushed away or got cross with just for wanting to make her birthday party special. Deedee wasn’t sure she had ever seen Rosie in a bad mood, and she regretted feeling frustrated with her yesterday, and now this morning over something as simple and kind as her wanting to make sure she had a birthday cake.

‘And absolutely no need to apologise.’ Rosie rubbed Deedee’s back with the heel of her hand. ‘You were tired after all that travelling, and I’m sorry for banging on about party plans, I should at least have given you a moment to catch your breath. But we could chat now if you like?’ Rosie let Deedee go. A short silence followed as Deedee wandered over to an enormous squishy sofa set in the big bay window of their open-plan lounge area. Rosie keenly swiped the notepad back into her arms and swiftly followed along. The two women sat beside each other on the sofa.

‘Rosie, darling, you know how much I adore you and value our friendship, but you see… the thing is—’ Deedee hesitated on seeing the enthusiastic look on her friend’s face, and wondered if she should just keep quiet and let Rosie take over the planning, was it really such a big deal if it made her feel happy? Deedee could call Cleo and explain and ask if Rosie could help out in some way. But then Deedee remembered from experience in her first two marriages that going along with something you really didn’t want for the sake of pleasing others never tended to be a good plan. It would only lead to resentment on both sides when she inevitably became frustrated, and Rosie would feel unappreciated. Or worse still, they ended up properly falling out over it. No, it wasn’t worth the risk, Deedee valued her female friendships far too much to let that happen, having learned over the years too that good friendships required effort. Much like a good marriage, love was only a foundation, the rest was work. Really hard work sometimes. She knew she needed to be honest with Rosie, but without hurting her, so took a breath and tactfully started again, getting straight to the point this time. ‘Would you mind if we just let Cleo get on with sorting out my birthday party? Not that it’s going to be a big do any more, but more of…’ She paused again to pick her words carefully, before finishing with, ‘…an intimate gathering. And she’s already organised the menu and there really isn’t very much else to do, so we won’t need balloon arches and photo booths and—’ Deedee stopped talking and held her breath, hoping to let Rosie down gently and not have to spell it out that she didn’t want her help. She just didn’t want a big fuss. But hated how ungrateful it made her seem. If they had been friends for longer and knew each other better, not having first met just last year on holiday, then Deedee reckoned she could have been straight with Rosie from the start. She certainly would have been with Anthony or Yiannis as she had known them for years and so could second guess how they would react. She inwardly crossed her fingers that Rosie would understand as the last thing Deedee wanted was to upset her well-meaning friend and spoil the holiday for her.

An awkward silence followed until eventually Rosie dumped the notepad on a nearby coffee table, letting it land with a thud and making the reeds in a nearby diffuser jiggle around. Deedee swallowed and braced herself.

‘Oh, thank God for that!’ Rosie let out a long, dramatic puff of air before flopping further back into the sofa.

‘You don’t mind?’ Deedee swivelled her head to look at Rosie straight in the eyes as she tried to work out what was going on. Why the sudden U-turn? Moments earlier she had seemed so invested in the party planning with her giant notepad and 1950s theme idea.

‘No, I definitely do not mind.’ Rosie shook her head emphatically from side to side. ‘In fact, it’s a huge relief.’

‘ It is? ’

‘Hundred per cent.’ Rosie was nodding now, resolute.

‘But I thought you loved organising… and planning things,’ Deedee said, baffled.

‘Well, I do, usually—’ Rosie suddenly stopped talking and looked away. Deedee kept quiet, sensing there was more her friend wanted to say. ‘I guess, I didn’t want to let you down so thought I should at least try to put together a birthday party in New York… not something I’ve ever done before but when one of your loveliest new friends invites you to join her for her seventieth. In The Big Apple. Weeeeell… I’m just very grateful to be here and so wanted to show you my appreciation.’ Rosie shrugged sheepishly.

‘Oh, darling. I invited you here for a holiday! And because I enjoy your company and we have a wonderful time together, the three of us – you, Gina and I – the three queenagers , remember?’ Deedee said, recalling the word Rosie’s son, Tom, had used last summer to describe them as, ‘three women with experience who still know how to have fun’. ‘You don’t have to show your appreciation by event planning, especially when it’s your job. No, you’ve come on holiday to have an actual holiday. Not to work.’

‘Um—’ Rosie fell silent, inhaled hard through her nose and then let out a long breath before momentarily closing her eyes.

More silence followed.

‘Is everything OK?’ Deedee asked, gently. Rosie was leaning forward now with her head in her hands.

‘To be honest, Deedee, I’m not even sure if it is any more…’ Rosie said softly from in between her fingers. When she lifted her head up, Deedee suddenly saw how drained and tired Rosie looked and felt a rush of guilt for being so wrapped up in her own stuff, that she hadn’t noticed things weren’t right with Rosie. They may not have been friends for very long, but Deedee knew Rosie well enough to see that something was definitely amiss. Rosie lived and breathed event planning, she loved a project and certainly hadn’t held back from taking over last summer on that Greek island. So what was going on?

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Deedee tried again but Rosie stayed silent, nervously twiddling the gold layer necklace hanging in the V of her dress. ‘Are you really sure you’re OK about not doing the party planning?’ she checked, concerned that lovely, kind Rosie was perhaps now just trying to let her down gently, as she had been trying to do with her. Deedee also stayed silent for a moment, taking the chance to think it through and her instinct was telling her there was more to this than Rosie just putting on a brave face, and so she wanted to help her friend, if she could. Eventually, Rosie took a big breath and let it all out.

‘Yes I’m quite sure, Deedee. It’s not the party planning – well, of course I didn’t want to let you down, and I know that I tend to go full speed on the planning stuff and all that and got carried away with mapping out the movie location itinerary too, like some kind of commander on a special ops mission – Ash says it’s because I’m too much of a control freak. But having something to do, to organise… something that makes people feel special and happy on their big occasions or holidays… well, it keeps my mind off…’ Rosie fell quiet again.

‘Ash, your husband, said that?’ Deedee confirmed as she gently tried to coax Rosie to share whatever was bothering her. ‘And take your mind off what?’

‘Yes, he thinks I’m a control freak, that I’m just too much and never know when to back off.’ Rosie nodded, and after lifting her head up she gave Deedee a watery look. Deedee put her hand on Rosie’s knee in reassurance and quietly waited for her to carry on. ‘We’ve been bickering. A lot, you see,’ Rosie added softly. ‘And I know lots of couples do, especially when you’ve been married as long as Ash and I have, but this feels different. It’s like I’m invisible to him half the time, and the rest of the time it seems like he’s picking a fight for no reason. Almost as if I’m being blamed for something I haven’t done.’

Deedee smarted, but didn’t say what was on her mind: that this sounded like classic bad behaviour. Both of her ex-husbands had carried on this way when they were having affairs. Projecting their own guilt and finding fault with her, often over imagined slights. But Deedee wasn’t about to say this out loud. No, she mustn’t jump to conclusions as there could be a perfectly valid reason, something else entirely. She didn’t know what, she had never met Ash in real life, so it was hard to know the type of person he really was. So for now, she would keep an open mind and just be here to support her friend.

‘Yes, it’s partly why I jumped at the chance to come on this holiday with you,’ Rosie sighed. ‘And to be honest, when I’m working it takes my mind off what’s going on in my marriage. Because all the time I’m making lists and putting together itineraries for other people’s special occasions, then I don’t have space in my head to wonder if Ash might be having an affair. But at the same time, I’m struggling to stay on top of it all as it’s just so blooming distracting so I’m ending up spreading myself too thinly and then trying to compensate by mainlining coffee and cakes and then riding the sugar high like a space rocket hurtling to the moon at a million miles an hour or whatever speed it is they travel at. And the sweet stuff shows – look at this muffin top I have going on here!’ Rosie smoothed her hands over her mid-section. ‘And my legs are turning into toothpicks! I’m in danger of resembling an ostrich as this rate. I mean, what is going on with my body? I thought we were supposed to be fabulous at fifty ! I’m not even sure my HRT actually works properly, as I’m so flaming hot! And not in a good way. And my heart palpitates so fast sometimes, I’m scared it will burst right out of my chest and sprint around like an athlete on the racket at any given moment… and I’ve been doubting myself. So much. Like seriously losing my confidence – I nearly didn’t come on this holiday, as at the last minute I wasn’t even sure I could safely drive myself to the airport and then navigate all the checking in and travelling and I had convinced myself that you didn’t really want me to join you in any case and I was only here to help organise the party, which I now know is utterly ridiculous as you didn’t want me to do that at all?—’

‘Oh, Rosie, please, sweetheart, take a big breath,’ Deedee jumped in. ‘I’m so sorry, I had no idea you had all this going on, and the last thing I want to do is take away your distraction tactic by asking you not to take on the party planning. What can I do to help you?’

‘I’m not sure to be honest… other than continuously spritz me in cold water.’ Rosie lifted a hand to fan her face. ‘Maybe tell me the real reason why you don’t want a big party with all the pomp and palaver to take my mind off this hot flush?’

‘OK, if you’re sure… but we must come back to you and what I can do to help,’ she offered again, and Rosie nodded. Deedee cleared her throat before adding, ‘So my own truth here is that I’m just not looking forward to getting old. I’m not sure I can face a big party and when you were talking about balloon arches and photo booths and a fifties theme, I panicked.’ Deedee placed a soothing hand on her friend’s arm but still felt shocked as Rosie was usually so upbeat and confident and together. She had never seen her like this before.

‘Honestly no need to apologise, it’s fine,’ Rosie said, unconvincingly. ‘And you’re not old! You’re just getting started, but if you want to chat about it…’ She raised a smile, and Deedee gave her a grateful grin.

‘Thanks for understanding, Rosie, I’ll get over it – can’t rewind the clock!’ she said lightly, as now wasn’t the time to talk about her own worries. ‘Will you be OK here though? Because Gina and I would completely understand if you would prefer to be at home figuring things out with Ash.’

‘Oh yes, I’m hoping the break will do us good – give me and Ash a chance to miss each other. It might help…’ Rosie shrugged. ‘And I love spending time with you and Gina,’ she added. A short silence followed as the two women sat side by side, each with their own thoughts.

‘And I love spending time with you too, Rosie. But you work so hard so it is important you have a proper break without worrying about your marriage,’ Deedee said.

‘You’re right, and I will try to relax, I promise,’ Rosie said. ‘I’ll find out what’s going on at home when I return. It’s actually helped a lot to chat to you and get it off my chest, to be honest. There’s nothing worse than keeping it all in.’

‘This is true. It’s always good to get it out of your head instead of trundling on and putting up with feeling low,’ Deedee paused, suddenly aware that she had been doing exactly this. Keeping it all in and trundling on and putting up. Well, no more. She needed to take her own advice. ‘We are in New York! So let’s make the most of the vibrant energy here,’ Deedee added, just as much for herself as for Rosie, before saying in a quieter voice, ‘And I should have made an effort to come out for hot dogs last night.’ She resolved even harder to shake off her sadness over wishing Joe was here.

‘You should have! Anthony took us on a bit of a sightseeing tour around town. It was exciting seeing the city at night-time with the lights from the skyscrapers and the shop windows. And people everywhere. This place really is the city that never sleeps,’ Rosie said, her voice sounding cheerier. ‘It was a real tonic last night and made me forget about all the stuff going on at home, but there’s no denying the sad feeling is back again,’ she sighed. ‘It’s like an impending sense of doom, that something dreadful will happen if I don’t go fast enough, or I don’t plan your party perfectly, or I don’t find out what is going on with my husband.’ Rosie stopped talking and just shook her head from side to side despondently. ‘I know that I’m an utter control freak and I am actually driving myself mad with it!’

‘OK, so let’s sort out one thing at a time,’ Deedee suggested. ‘You’re not a control freak , as you say. Yes, you are efficient and organised, but it is your actual job to plan things, parties and weddings etc. and you are very good at it. Plus, the world needs people like you to balance out the people like me who tend to be very much less organised and more spontaneous. But using words like “control”and “freak” is unkind and undermining – I’m sorry Ash said that – you don’t have to repeat them over to yourself though… and reinforce the connotation of being “less than” or inadequate,’ Deedee said, firmly.

Rosie sat up a little taller and nodded slowly as she took it all in. ‘Hmm, I hadn’t really looked at it like that, Deedee,’ she said. ‘But I can always count on you to tell me straight.’

‘Well, not really,’ Deedee smiled sheepishly. ‘I wasn’t straight with you about the party planning, was I? I really am sorry about that, Rosie.’

‘You’ve been straight with me now. But you just seemed so excited about having a big party in our WhatsApp chats when we were arranging the trip. What changed? Is it really to do with being seventy or is there more to it?’ Rosie asked gently.

‘Oh, Rosie, it’s silly really?—’

‘I bet it isn’t. And I bet whatever it is you wouldn’t let me or Gina off with dismissing it like that. I knew something was up from the moment we met at the airport. I did wonder if it was the party and perhaps you were disappointed that we hadn’t firmed up all the plans, which is part of why I went into full-on planner mode, but now I know it isn’t that at all, so do you want to talk about what’s really going on with you?’

Deedee faltered as Rosie turned to look at her head on, wondering if she should confide in her friend after all. But she just couldn’t. She wanted to, but now didn’t feel like the right time. Not when Rosie was going through stuff and had just opened up to her, no, Deedee didn’t want to now make it about herself and detract from Rosie’s worries. And Deedee also didn’t want to add to her friend’s burden with talk of missing her dead husband, possibly the swiftest way to bring the whole mood of the holiday down in a hot moment. But there was something else on Deedee’s mind too, something that could help them both. She turned to Rosie. ‘I’m not really ready to talk about it yet,’ she started, thinking of Joe, and wondering if she ever would be ready. Of course, she had talked about him in passing to Gina and Rosie, but it had always been in an upbeat and fond memory kind of way, never about the crushing sadness and loneliness she felt sometimes, even when in the company of her wonderful friends.

‘Oh no, you’re not ill, are you?’ Rosie quickly cut in, looking horrified.

‘No, no, nothing like that, I promise,’ Deedee reassured. ‘It’s just the complexities of grief,’ she smiled wryly as Rosie gave her hand a squeeze.

‘Say no more,’ Rosie said, holding her hands up in retreat. ‘I get it. I went through it all when my dad died. It was many years ago now – I was twelve when he suffered an aneurysm at work one day.’

‘Oh, Rosie, I’m so sorry, that must have been hard when you were such a young age.’

‘It was,’ she nodded slowly. ‘But if you ever do want to talk then I am actually a very good listener too, you know.’

‘I know,’ Deedee smiled. ‘And thank you.’ She was touched by Rosie’s compassion even when she was going through turmoil herself.

‘So, what else can we talk about?’ Rosie said, pressing her hands on the tops of her thighs as if to park the conversation and turn to something lighter.

‘Well, there is something else on my mind and that I would absolutely love and appreciate your thoughts on…’ Deedee said tentatively. ‘But only in a “What would you do?” kind of way, I really don’t want you to go full pelt into strategy planning mode while we are here on holiday.’

‘Look, if it helps me to relax and to take my mind off worrying about Ash then I’m more than happy to help if I can. So, what is it?’ Rosie prompted, sounding a bit more like her usual self now.

‘My business! The travel agency is in trouble. We just don’t have the footfall any more. And as a successful business owner yourself with your wedding and events planning company… well, I was wondering if you might have some ideas of what this old dinosaur could do to inject some life into the agency as I need to earn an income and I’m not ready to close it down and retire. Or have to make my assistant, Molly, redundant.’

‘Well, that’s easy!’

‘It is?’ Deedee placed her palms on the tops of her thighs ready to hear what she needed to do to save her business.

‘Absolutely,’ Rosie said. ‘You move it online. Properly online… I know you have a website and can do bookings over the phone, but nobody actually wanders into a travel agency on the high street these days. People want convenience, they want to be sat at their desk in work and able to escape for a while on their lunchbreak looking at dreamy locations and gathering ideas. Ultimately, they want to book their own holidays online.’

‘But I love the personal touch, interacting with people and putting together the perfect holiday for them.’

‘I know you do. And you could still do this in a similar way that I do with my wedding and events business. You know, a lot of my time is spent talking to people on the phone or answering their enquiries via my Instagram channel or my website. It’s about getting them through the door, and that’s not the door of your shop in the street, it’s the door of your online presence!’ Rosie said, pragmatically.

‘I see,’ Deedee nodded, mulling it all over.

‘And have you thought about offering bespoke holidays? I don’t know, I’m just thinking off the top of my head here… You could specialise in solo travel. Or bespoke packages to places you have personally travelled to – and I know you’ve travelled all over the world – you could even set up some kind of travel journal, a newsletter for subscribers to your website with a special members’ rate or whatever. Do you own the building?’

‘Um, yes, the shop I do,’ Deedee said, a spark of the old spirit she had when she first opened the business back in the eighties, suddenly reigniting.

‘Then you could turn it into a small call centre; you’d have to do a cost analysis to see if it was a viable option as you might be better off selling the premises and using the revenue to create a very impressive website with a proper online booking system. You could employ call handlers because some people do still like to talk to an actual human. But you’d want to do advertising and outsource your social media content management and all of that – I could help you if you like?’ Rosie said keenly.

‘You would?’ Deedee asked, her head spinning, it was as if a lightbulb had been switched on. ‘But you already do your own social media, don’t you? Your Instagram is beautifully curated.’

‘Yes, exactly! And you can too. I bet you have hundreds of wonderful holiday pictures taken over the years that you could post online. It will reassure people that you really are helping them find the perfect holiday based on your personal experience. My brides, and some grooms, but mostly it’s the brides that take charge of choosing the wedding planner and working with me – anyway, they want a bespoke, personalised approach, to feel that they are getting something special, which is why I do it all myself and I think it shows. Plus being the “control freak” that I am,’ Rosie paused to pull a face as she gave Deedee a light-hearted nudge, ‘I then know “my online shop door”, aka my Instagram and website, look perfect and just how I like it!’ she grinned, and Deedee was relieved, and thrilled to have the possibility of a way forward with the business.

‘Rosie, you are a genius.’ She gave her friend a hug. ‘It’s so obvious – get properly online, make it bespoke, personal and special, and I love the idea of a travel journal – it’s been staring me in the face, but I didn’t even realise. I’ve been so worried about it and busy holding onto the past.’

‘Well, you’ve had other stuff going on, the other stuff you’re not ready to talk about,’ Rosie said kindly. ‘And you mustn’t underestimate that “stuff” like grief, because it has a spiky way of springing up on you, especially when a big life event is coming up. It magnifies it all. And you do have a big birthday happening soon—’ Rosie stopped, clearing her throat and changing tack. Deedee smiled gratefully. ‘Yes, I have this all the time with my clients, in fact, I spend most of my working hours being counsellor, agony aunt, therapist, even surrogate parent sometimes, when they fall apart or turn into bridezilla because they’re missing a special loved one who isn’t going to be a part of the big event.’ Rosie shook her head in sympathy.

‘You know, Rosie, you never fail to amaze me,’ Deedee said, thinking how astute her friend was. ‘I’m so pleased we met, and don’t ever stop being you, with your hidden depths. And brilliant knack of knowing exactly what to do. Even when you have your own “stuff” going on.’

‘Oh, Deedee, that is the kindest thing… I know I come across as an annoying airhead who likes taking over—’ Rosie stopped talking when Deedee gave her a look. ‘Sorry.’

‘And please don’t apologise,’ Deedee said, as if she were the surrogate parent now. ‘You are just right as you are. But we can talk more about saving the travel agency another time. I meant what I said earlier about you needing a holiday. I get that you want a distraction from worrying about Ash, but we will make sure that you’re so busy having a good time here that you will forget all about home for now and go back refreshed and with a clear head, ready to tackle whatever is going on in your marriage.’

‘Thanks, Deedee, and I will come up with a plan for your travel agency as soon as we get back to England, it will be fun, and I find keeping busy is a good thing.’

‘Only if you’re sure?’ Deedee checked again. Rosie nodded. ‘In that case, I’ll chat to Molly and see how she feels about possibly working remotely.’

‘Good idea… and see if she can scale up to work more hours as you’re likely to be far busier once you move properly online with a special bespoke holiday business… You’ll be nationwide and not just high street.’

‘Mmm, I hadn’t thought of that,’ Deedee said. ‘I’m sure that won’t be a problem, Molly is keen to do more hours in any case.’

‘Marvellous!’ Rosie beamed. ‘See, it’s coming together already.’

‘It’s exciting,’ Deedee said, already feeling relieved to have the start of a solution for her travel agency. ‘And can I make a suggestion for you too, Rosie?’

‘Sure.’

‘Maybe review your HRT – it might need tweaking. Gina was saying earlier how great she feels now?—’

‘Did someone mention my name?’ Gina appeared in the doorway wearing an emerald-green midi dress and gold trainers. She came to join them in the lounge and sat on a leather bucket chair by the bay window.

‘Yes, we were just talking about HRT and getting it checked,’ Rosie said quickly, without mentioning her marriage worries, Deedee noticed.

‘Are you feeling unwell then?’ Gina asked, catching Deedee’s eye before glancing at their friend. Deedee gently elbowed Rosie in encouragement.

‘Yes, a bit low and I hadn’t actually considered that it might be down to perimenopause. I’m already on HRT so just presumed I should be feeling great.’ Rosie shrugged. ‘Isn’t that what they say? That we should feel brand new when the hormones kick back in?’

‘Hmm, I thought so too for a while, but maybe you need a tweak,’ Gina said, her brows dipping in concern. ‘You could set up a Zoom with Louise and see what she says.’

‘Yes, good idea, I must do that.’ Rosie stood up and gathered her notepad which she folded into her arms across her body. On seeing that Rosie didn’t want to talk any more, Deedee pressed her hands together to bring the conversation to a close.

‘Right, now that we’ve put the world to rights, I reckon we could do with some fashion therapy,’ she said. ‘I’ll call Karl and see when he can fit us in.’ And she rolled herself off the super squishy sofa to fetch her phone from where she had left it on the breakfast bar.