Chapter 5
Chapter Five
AYDA
The moment I woke up, I reached out, and my hand touched the spot where Drew had been lying. His place was cold and abandoned, and even the dent in his pillow was long gone.
Rolling forward, I pushed my face into the pillow and breathed in deeply, reveling in that soapy masculine smell he’d left behind for me. The very smell that brought back every aching memory of the night before.
I hated myself for crying in front of him.
I hated myself for not holding myself together long enough to assure him that I was all right.
I hated myself for asking him to stay, even if I did enjoy those moments we’d just laid together.
Pushing up onto my hands and knees I let out an unwilling groan as my body, in its entirety, ached. Everything hurt. My joints were on fire, my vagina felt like it was suffering from blunt force trauma, and my limbs were useless noodles.
I smiled down at the pillow and started to laugh, spurring another set of groans as I forced myself to the edge of the bed.
There was an odd sense of satisfaction in the stiffness of my body.
There was a smirk on my lips every time I felt the pang of fresh bruises on my skin, and as I stood upright, I laughed in absolute wonder, because I wasn’t entirely sure how I was going to walk without looking like I was pushing something out of my uterus.
No matter how much my flesh hurt, how much I ached, or how ridiculously sore I was, I felt more satisfied than I had in weeks.
Drew and I had connected. It was some crazy, fucked up, violent level of communication, but it was there, and I had a physical representation of that connection.
The only downside being that Drew was going to hate it.
When I finally managed to get to the bathroom and stand in front of a mirror, I stared at myself with wide eyes.
Shit.
Scratch that last thought, Drew was going to hate himself if he saw this.
I didn’t have to have some great insight into his psyche to know that.
Just one look at the bruises on my naked body and his voice echoed in my head.
Jesus, my hips were the worst. They had little purple dots marring my flesh, then my ass had a streak of purpled-red down the cheek he’d slapped, and my thighs already had several different shades and sizes of bruises covering them.
That pattern of random shapes and sizes continued to my chest and shoulders, my breasts, to places I hadn’t even known our bodies had touched.
Drew was going to hate it. Hate it, but I undeniably claimed it like a badge of honor.
The more I looked at the bruises, the more they brought back the memories, the touches, the breaths and groans of pleasure.
I felt Drew between my legs, his hands gripping, his fingers digging into the flesh wherever he could reach…
and I’d liked it. In some twisted way, he’d marked his territory, claimed ownership again.
I felt that possessiveness in every bruise reflecting back at me.
Whatever confusion I’d had the night before was suddenly gone, and I embraced the new sudden clarity that made me smile at my mottled reflection.
It was just rough sex. That’s all it was; rough, emotionally-charged sex that left me with these memories and a heart full of hope that he wasn’t completely gone. That a part of him still needed me.
The only question now was how the fuck was I going to hide some of these marks from the guys and Drew himself? How the hell was I going to put on my diner uniform and conceal some of the very obvious bruises that would peek out from the capped-sleeves and short skirt?
I had a couple of days until I had to worry about that, at least. For now, I just needed to vacate The Hut and find somewhere to lay low.
I knew just the place.
I cut the engine of the truck and stared at the bike parked outside of Autumn’s house.
Deeks was here.
He was usually a source of comfort, but as I looked down at my arms, I sighed out a heavy breath, grabbing one of Drew’s hoodies and pulling it on.
It wasn’t too warm out, so they wouldn’t question why I was wearing it, but the weather was heating up swiftly, as it often did around this time of the year.
I trusted both Deeks and Autumn, but I wasn’t in the mood to explain to one of my favorite people why I was covered in angry bruises.
I’m sure Deeks was more than aware Drew and I had sex, I just felt weird having a neon sign that said Guess what I did last night radiating from my skin.
I climbed out and slipped my keys into my back pocket, amused by the fact that the damn sweater was almost to my knees. The soft and well-worn material still smelled like Drew, so I huddled deeper inside and skipped up the porch steps to knock on the screen door.
Deeks was the one who answered, his gray beard twitching at the corners as he saw me. A telltale sign that he was smiling.
“Autumn said you were heading up here,” he greeted in his usual welcoming tone.
“Needed some girl talk,” I responded as he pushed against the screen door in a silent invitation to enter.
I took the invitation and kissed him on the cheek as I passed, feeling calm and at peace as I entered Autumn’s home.
The house was another one of those places where I felt at ease, and welcome.
It was one of my favorite places to kick back and get drunk because there was no way I was going to make that much of an ass of myself in the middle of nowhere with an audience of two.
“Well, that’s my cue to get the hell out of here then,” he replied, chuffing out a laugh.
“You don’t have to.”
Deeks gripped the end of his beard and smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “I think I lack the right qualifications to stay.”
“He means he has a dick,” Autumn said from the kitchen where the smell of coffee was slowly stealing all of my sense of focus.
“God damn, woman, I love it when you talk dirty.”
“Get the hell out of here,” she said, sticking her head out of the kitchen and blowing him a kiss. “Call me later, and I may give you some real food for thought.”
“Shit,” Deeks drew out the vowels of the word, sounding more Texan than I’d ever heard him. With a backward glance, he shook his head, grabbed his keys from the small table by the door and left without another word.
I watched him head across to his bike and swing his leg over the beast, his smile broad and his head still shaking in wonder.
I loved being around the two of them so much.
They didn’t have a conventional love. They weren’t even married, and by the looks of things, they probably wouldn’t bother now.
They were happy and comfortable. This kind of lifestyle suited them just fine.
“Sugar?”
“Yeah?” I asked, looking up at Autumn. Her gray hair was in its usual braid and hanging over her shoulder. She looked happy. Happier than I’d seen her in a while.
Autumn held up her cookie jar and grinned. “I got your favorite. I figured this was coming.”
I smiled and headed toward her, allowing her to tuck me under her arm as she led us to the screen porch out the back.
“You want some bourbon in your coffee?” she asked once we were settled.
“Bourbon?”
“The look you’re wearing calls for ice cream or alcohol, and it’s too early for ice cream.”
I snorted out a laugh and started shaking my head. “No, it’s not bad really.”
Autumn didn’t say anything, she just looked at me, and I could feel the tears start to prickle once again.
I was so tired of crying. I wasn’t sad or upset or weak or broken.
I was confused and sometimes frustrated all to hell, but I could survive that.
It was just hard to contain all of the shit sometimes, especially when I was with someone who didn’t mind so much when I let my guard down.
“Have you ever done something that surprised you?” I finally asked, my voice low and quiet.
“Now that’s a loaded question. You’re gonna have to give me some context here. I’ve been to jail twice in my life, and I was too drunk to remember either time.”
I laughed and wiped one of the stray tears after it had escaped before I explained what had happened the night before. The explanation wasn’t in great detail, and I didn’t get too graphic. I just told her the facts, including the fact that I’d enjoyed what had transpired.
By the time I’d finished, she had looked impressed, while I felt flustered.
“What kind of bruises we talking about?” she asked. “There are several different kinds… holy shit.”
The last part of her sentence had come out as I’d lifted the hem of the hoodie and shirt I was wearing under it. The bruises had darkened a bit more since I’d taken a shower that morning and they were looking a bit more substantial.
“You look like you’ve gone five rounds in an MMA ring.”
She prodded a bruise just above my hip bone and shook her head, her fingers then spreading to fit the profile of Drew’s hand.
“Was he trying to drill you to China?”
I pushed the material back into place and looked at her with a smile plastered on my lips.
“Stop.”
“Sorry.” She held her hands up in surrender.
“He’s gonna freak, isn’t he?”
Autumn tipped her head to the side, her lips pressed together in amusement. She didn’t have to say a word. It was all the confirmation I needed.
“I knew it.” I sighed.
“Men like Drew live a certain way, Ayda. They live hard, they all fight, they fuck, and every goddamn one of them makes it as hard as possible for us to love them. They’re ruled by their pride and obligation.
They’re loyal to a fault, and they take penance in the form of flesh and blood, and we’re the ones stupid enough to fall for them.
When they let you in like Drew let you in, you become something more to them.
You become a beacon of hope, a symbol of humanity.
For Drew, hurting you would be akin to blasphemy.
You mean something to him, even when he doesn’t want you to. ”
“So, he sees this, and he’s going to make excuses to distance himself from me even further?”
Autumn looked out across the line of trees that cradled her house, and she sipped the iced tea she’d replaced our coffees with.
There were times when I wondered if she’d gone through some of these things with Deeks.
He may have seemed like a cuddly bear to me, but had he been that way when he was younger?
Or had he also been a man living on a knife’s edge, never knowing what side of the law or his anger he was going to fall on?
“I can’t answer for Drew, sweetheart. That boy is the only one who knows how he will react to any given situation. From what Deeks has said, he’s never really done well with grief. Harry was always due north for him, I suppose, and now he’s lost that.”
“We’ve all lost that,” I admitted.
“Throw Eric in the mix…”
“Jesus.” I finished.
“I don’t think Eric means any harm,” Autumn said quietly, raising her hands in defense when I looked over at her.
“I don’t like him all that much either, sugar.
He was a good president for the club in his time, but he messed up, and he gave it all up.
I don’t think he wants the club back, and I don’t believe he’s back here because Harry wrote him a letter.
I think Eric is back for Eric problems. We may never know what those problems are, or they could land in our laps at any moment, but all you have to do is back Drew up like you are doing. ”
“I don’t trust Eric. Sutton doesn’t seem to like him much, either. Drew… It’s his dad, so I can’t voice my concerns, and he doesn’t talk much about him. They were riding together at like three in the morning. Alone.” Covered in blood, I finished in my head, not wanting to betray Drew.
“Eric knew how much Harry meant to—”
“It’s not that kind of support. I think he’s encouraging him with retribution. I’m worried that… I’m worried that Eric could start a war if he pushes Drew after the Navs.”
“You just have to trust Drew to be smarter than that.”
“I do.”
“You just don’t trust Eric?”
“I’m a terrible fiancée.”
“Because you hate your soon-to-be father-in-law? Oh, honey, if that made you a bad person, we’d all go to Hell in a handbasket.
Ask me about Deeks’ momma one day. I have stories that would turn your hair gray.
” She picked up her braid and laughed at it.
“That woman thought she was the damn queen of Texas. I suspect she was one of the causes of my jail visits. She hated me, and she hated that Deeks defended me.”
“Did he tell you that?”
“Nope, his little sister did.”
“Deeks has a sister?”
“He does. Silvie lives somewhere up in Montana. She was never into Harleys. Horses were more her speed. She married a rancher and now has one of the most awarded thoroughbred ranches in the country. She gave us The Well Runs Deep.”
“Wells?”
“That’s just a nickname, sugar. My point is, you’re marrying Drew, not his dad, or the club.”
I gave her an incredulous look that made her smile.
“Okay, so you’re definitely marrying the damn club. It’s a good job you love those boys.”
We sipped our tea for a while in companionable silence and watched the horses run in the paddock, my eyes on the chestnut horse that seemed to prance more now that I knew she had an official title.
Talking to Autumn had helped. I had come to find some kind of peace with what happened between Drew and I the night before.
The bruises would fade and become memories, and I would be left to remember the brutality that still felt so sensual and intimate to me.
I was still concerned that he was heading for a complete derailment, and though it scared me, I was far more confident that I wouldn’t lose him forever.
I just had to swallow all of these feelings and be his strength for him.
I could do that.
Until the next time I needed a pep talk.
“How’s Tate doing?” Autumn asked out of the blue, forcing me to groan. “That bad?”
I placed the tea on the table next to me, lifting my knee onto the swing so I could turn to face her. “Don’t even get me started.”
“You’re gonna leave me hanging?”
I smiled nodding at the glass she was holding. “Now might be a good time for that bourbon.”