Chapter 18
Chapter
Eighteen
“At least my eyes could pass for human. They’re green, deep and dark.”
— HOLLY BLACK, THE STOLEN HEIR
“ Y ou’re smiling,” my sister whispered, drawing my attention away from where a reglamoured Sonnet was charming Ford and Rue on our deck. She’d already charmed Atticus, Ranger, and Rebel, although she’d promised me that it was completely nonmagical charming. I believed her. “Are you two officially stepping out together now?”
Mackenzie, Rue, and Rebel had showed up while I’d been taking my extremely gratifying nature walk with Sonnet. We’d eaten my faux chicken-fried steak and potatoes out on the deck behind the house as the night was so fine. It being October in Tennessee, it was still real nice, warm enough that I wasn’t entirely convinced that Sonnet had actually needed my flannel. I was now bare-armed, and she was wrapped up in my favorite shirt.
We gotta mark her , my wolf ordered. Get our scent all over her so everyone KNOWS.
I was pretty darn certain everyone here already knew. About the only thing more obvious would have been to start passing out wedding invitations.
Bet there’s a late-night Kinko’s open.
Oblivious to my wolf’s demands, most everybody was slouched at one of the picnic tables, most of us itching to shift and go for a run. Knox was off by himself, seeing as how there was no room left at the already crowded tables.
Mackenzie had chased me down by the beer cooler. Mostly she just wanted to give me shit, but she was also after gossip. She should have been a cat shifter given her curiosity, but instead she turned into a silver-colored wolf.
I tried to keep a straight face, but it was no use. I was grinning like a fool. “I don’t know what you’re on about, Mack.”
Har-de-har-har.
She snorted. My baby sister had always been the best at seeing through my bullshit. “You are a lying liar who lies. You two keep staring at each other, and it’s about to set my hair on fire. That woman is all about you.”
And she hasn’t even had sex with us yet , my wolf grumbled. Then she’s gonna like us even more. I promise you that.
“Is she?” She’d told me as much, but damned if I didn’t like hearing it from other people as well.
“You did good, Maverick. She’s sweet on you. You’ve just transformed one of television’s most famously independent women into a silly, rattled mess.”
My smile faltered because discombobulating a woman like that seemed like the wrong thing to do. My plan was to make more of Sonnet, not less.
Gonna make her come.
Make her happy.
My wolf hesitated, then added, Make her feel loved.
He wasn’t any more certain than I was about our ability to do feelings well, but damned if I— we — weren’t going to try.
“Don’t you ever hurt her,” Mack continued fiercely. “Don’t you do it.”
You’d think I hadn’t learned anything these past years, but I had. Hurting Sonnet—or anyone—was not on the table. But Mack had reasons for her warning, reasons I intended to respect the hell out of.
So I tucked her into my side, enjoying having her home. “You know I love you, Mack. You haven’t been here in a long time, so I’m just gonna say that I have changed. I’m not the man—or wolf—I was before.” I nudged her chin up, so she met my eyes. “I promised you that all those years ago, and I’ve kept that promise. I won’t hurt anyone, ever again, and that absolutely includes Sonnet.”
Mack’s eyes flashed amber, likely remembering some particularly unpleasant moment back when I’d been a younger, asshole me, and then she nodded stiffly. “I do know that. You’re right. I’m sorry.”
I was sorry too.
Unfortunately, I could say that—and mean it—a dozen times a day, but it could never change what I’d done wrong. There was no undo button for past mistakes and selfish decisions.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated. “Real sorry.”
“I forgive you,” she said quietly. “You know that.”
I did too. It was just that I didn’t deserve her forgiveness. Not yet. I needed to earn it first. “I still plan to make it up to you. You just tell me what you need, and it’s yours. You need a she-shed to get away from Rue? Because I’m good with a hammer, and I can get a kit online. I’ll even put a chandelier in it for you.”
“Not right now.” Her pretty face lit up with a smile that banished the sadness. I was grateful every day that I hadn’t ruined things between us forever.
“Come on, Knox. It was a joke.” The hard edge in Ford’s voice drew my attention back to the rest of our family.
“Really?” Knox’s voice was flat. “Because it wasn’t funny at all.”
“You’re the only person on God’s green earth who doesn’t find that funny.” Atticus rolled his eyes dramatically.
“Not the only person,” Ranger argued. “The ladies crochet club has at least two members who also have no sense of humor. They did not enjoy the pattern I selected for our Halloween project.”
“It’s fine.” Sonnet shrugged, apparently unbothered by Knox’s surliness. “I’ll work on my delivery.”
“No. It’s not fine.” Ford scowled at Knox. “You’ve had a pickle up your butt since you got here. No wonder your face is so sour.”
“Now that was funny.” Rebel toasted Ford with his beer, beaming at Sonnet. “But I liked your joke too.”
“I might have to steal the pickle line,” Sonnet said thoughtfully.
“You steal a lot?” Knox muttered. More precisely, he articulated it at exactly the correct volume to be heard by all, but politely ignored. Screw that.
Yeah. We’re gonna make him eat that pickle.
“Okay, I’m through with you. Knox Jackson Boone, stand up.”
“Why?” he snapped, glaring at me.
“You heard me. Your problem is with me, and not with the lady. Don’t you take your frustration out on her. You treat our guest with respect.”
Knox shoved to his feet, eyes flashing amber. “What the fuck do you know about treating anyone with respect?”
I growled, my wolf pushing at my skin to be let out. I thought I’d grown accustomed to his dislike and outright hatred, but I’d been wrong. If we had been alone, I would have let it go.
Pickle or no pickle, Knox had every right to his anger. I had screwed up, screwed up bad, and worse, I’d done it on purpose. But he did not get to make Sonnet feel uncomfortable, especially not in this house that I’d offered to make her home.
His icy, bright blue eyes looked through me just like our daddy’s had always done. His lip curled, fangs flashing as his control slipped.
“Don’t fight.” At Mack’s soft plea, he snapped his mouth shut, shooting her a quick look.
Running a hand through his hair, he barked a curse; it sounded like damned asshole . Then he turned and stalked away without another word.
You’d think he’d pulled the lights on the party. All the fun and joy sure went out of the night. He’d as good as shut us all down. And as usual, I couldn’t help but acknowledge that he had the right of it. Still, I held off on apologizing. Ranger had demanded I stop after the first year, claiming he was sick and tired of the word. It was fine. I’d just switched to showing them that I’d changed, not telling them.
Atticus was the first to break the silence. “Sorry about him, Sonnet. Knox isn’t the friendliest Boone, but he’s not usually such a colossal asshole, either.”
Is too , my wolf snarled.
“It’s fine.” Sonnet flashed my brother a quick smile. “I have a big family, and we’re always going at it. No family gets along all the time.”
“Just how big is this family?” Ranger asked.
“And do you have any cute, single cousins?” Rebel followed up.
This made everyone laugh, mostly because we all needed a laugh. We’d hit our limit for drama.
Mack nudged me gently while Sonnet launched into a lengthy and humorous discussion of her many cousins. “You need to go after him.”
I grimaced. Regret seized me. “He doesn’t want to hear from me. There’ll be more punches thrown than words.”
“Maybe. Maybe not.” She nudged me again. “But Knox once told me, ‘Throw me to the wolves, and I’ll return leading the pack.’ He knows you’ve stepped up to lead this family, and you’re taking us in a good direction. He may be yelling some, but he’s still here, isn’t he? Coming along where you lead?”
“You sound like Momma,” I said. Not having Momma here was hard. Now that I’d met Sonnet and was trying with Knox, I missed her more than ever. It about killed me that she was running around in our woods, stuck in her wolf form. How could our family be whole with Momma trapped out there?
“Go find him,” Mack said. “And talk, don’t bite.”
Now she definitely sounded like Momma.
A low chuckle behind us had us turning around, searching for the laughter. Rue stood there, contemplating his boots, but he wore a rare smile on his stern face.
“What?” Mack demanded, narrowing her eyes. I knew that look. She was fixing to wade in and yell at her man if he didn’t explain himself right quick.
He shrugged, lifting his gaze to meet hers. “Maverick’s got it right.” There was a whole universe of affection and love in his gaze. “You sound like your momma, but blunter and bossier.”
Mack considered this for longer than seemed safe, but then she threw herself at him, planting a kiss that was not fit for public viewing on my fellow professor.
You’d think he’d have pity on her brothers, but no. He kissed her back.
I averted my gaze and headed out. “Pardon me. I think I’ll go check on Sonnet and make sure she’s good, then I’ll track down Knox.”
I was halfway to the edge of the woods when I heard Rebel groan. “Get a room. This place has a dozen. Use one.”
The good-natured ruckus behind me increased as I strode off into the woods looking for the belligerent wolf who was also a brother I cared about. More than cared; I loved him even when he was a rude asshole. He had every right to be upset, and most days he pretended that I didn’t exist. On family birthdays and national holidays, he set aside his enmity and pretended that he didn’t hate me. This was for the benefit of our siblings, of course, and I appreciated it.
In the barn , my wolf reported. Watch out for booby traps.
The barn had been a real popular spot with us boys when emotions had run high, and we’d been short on space. We’d all taken a turn at punching walls, shoveling horse manure, and dating girls in the barn. It made sense that Knox had headed there.
He was mucking out the stalls for the rescue ponies that Rebel had brought home last year. We had a Shetland pony, a Connemara, and a pony of no known pedigree. Their manes were gray and mottled, and their lips dropped more than an ice-cream cone in July, but they were sweeter than candy. Didn’t make no sense to me that people were in such a rush to get rid of a loving animal just because it was old, and you couldn’t ride it no more. Harper, Dixie, and Earl didn’t even mind the scent of wolf now. We were just home.
Knox glared at me as he forked a shovelful of muck into the wheelbarrow. He might have hated me, but he wasn’t going to attack me. It might have been easier if we could have sorted our differences with some fisticuffs. I got straight to the point.
“Listen, I was a shit brother to you growing up, and there’s no going back and fixing that. But don’t go making the same mistake I did.”
“You brought a woman to our place? Honestly, Maverick?” Knox dumped his spade of manure into the wheelbarrow with more force than was strictly necessary.
He was in an ornery mood all right.
Join the club.
“I did. The others didn’t mind. So what’s your problem?”
It wasn’t as if we’d eloped or had sex on the front lawn. It had just been dinner and some conversation.
“What about Sanye?” He turned away toward Earl the Connemara as he asked the question, but something in his tone had me frowning.
“What about her?”
He rolled his eyes. From the ensuing curses, Knox believed I was the village idiot.
When he’d calmed down some, he gritted out, “How do you imagine Sanye will feel about this?”
This did not compute. “About what?”
“About you stepping out on her with someone else, you bonehead.”
I laughed. Sanye’s thoughts on my dating Sonnet had not presented themselves to me as a problem. “Sanye doesn’t give two hoots who I see.”
Might be less than two hoots , my wolf said thoughtfully. She’s gonna be thrilled you’re back on the dating horse.
Knox glared at the wall. Earl backed up. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah. I am sure.” I shot eye daggers into my brother’s back. Clearly, all those hours he was putting in at work had fried his brain. He had no working brain cells left up there. He hadn’t said more than a dozen words to me in ten years, yet now he was going on about Sanye Jansen-Webster.
“You visit her every Sunday, Maverick. Don’t tell me it’s platonic. The two of you are always stuck together.” He tossed another shovelful of manure into the wheelbarrow.
“I’m her friend , you numbnuts. Friends hang out together. I’m just looking out for her.”
“The two of you are not friends,” he snarled. The ponies shifted. They were picking up on our agitation. I smoothed a hand down Dixie’s side. Her coat was yellow and gray, kind of like a day that couldn’t make up its mind if it wanted to be sunshine or clouds.
“We became friends when she married Evan. Just because he died doesn’t mean we have to stop. Men and women are actually allowed to be friends, you know.”
“Sure.” He tossed the last shovelful of muck into the barrow and charged through the stall door. Harper gave him a baleful look; she was not a fan of upsets.
“Sure, what? What has you so riled up? That I have friends even though I don’t deserve them? Or that Sanye counts as one of them?”
Knox started shoving the wheelbarrow toward the barn door, the wheels squeaking angrily. What the hell was wrong with him?
I was tired of his aggression and hatred. Maybe I had been thrown—or gone willingly—to the wolves, but I’d come back. I was the oldest living Boone here, and the rest of the family looked to me to lead them. Mostly this was when they didn’t feel like doing it themselves, but I knew they listened to and valued my opinions. I was sort of an elected president rather than a kingly dictator.
“You know what?” I strode along behind him, irritated and just plain sick and tired of his never letting up on me. “I don’t know what your problem is, but I don’t have time for it. I’ve apologized a million times for being a shitty wolf and a worse human being growing up, and I’ve owned up to my mistakes with the Iron Wolves. I have changed . I am not the person I was, and you either accept that or you don’t. Either way, I have a lady guest over—and she means a whole lot to me—so I don’t have time for your hating on me. I’m real tired of it. Take your meanness somewhere else.”
As I brushed by him and his load of pony shit, he reached out and caught my arm, holding on but not hurting me. I met his glare, expecting to find it filled with the usual dislike and condemnation, but instead it was unexpectedly hopeful.
What in the Sam Hill?
“You and Sanye, the two of you never ever were a couple?” The words came out muffled, like he was forcing them past some obstacle that had been choking him for half of forever.
“No. Sanye and I have never stepped out together. We haven’t kissed, haven’t courted. We held each other when Evan passed. I’d stay with her on the bad nights, but I slept on the couch mostly. She cried herself out, and I made sure I was there from the first night we got the news.”
Knox’s gaze turned inward. I had no idea what he was imagining. I never had understood him.
“But you’ve been...You haven’t dated anyone. There’ve been no girls at the house, nobody, since Evan died.”
I nodded, but my voice came out hard. I wasn’t feeling nice. “I didn’t date, Knox, because I made a choice not to. I had some real bad habits, habits that hurt the people around me. I treated women like dirt, like they didn’t matter to me. It was a lie, but I did it, and I sure didn’t like the man looking back at me in the mirror. So I made a decision to change.”
Knox let go of my arm. He stood there, his eyes searching my face as if he were finally seeing me. Seeing me for real.
“I’m as far from perfect as a man can get. I made bad mistakes, I’ve owned them, and I will never, ever repeat them. I’m sorry.”
I would repeat the words, though. My apology needed to be said over and over until Knox heard me, until he understood that I really had changed.
And even after he listened to me, if he listened to me, I would keep right on showing him, too.
I was not the same person.
I had changed and I was better, but I would always live with the regrets.
Knox winced and looked away, his eyes bouncing off the walls, the ponies, the damned pile of manure that stank almost as much as my past.
I had more to say. “I’m also sorrier than I can ever say that I left you to be the responsible Boone. I’m sorry our daddy beat the hell out of you instead of me. I was the oldest, and I should have stood up for you. I should have protected everyone in this house. Instead, I chose to be a crap brother. If you will let me, I’ll make amends. Just tell me what to do.”
We’re gonna do it. Anything. Everything. He’s fucking FAMILY.