Gareth
Chapter eleven
Ipull into my ex-wife's driveway. Or, my old driveway?
The driveway to my ex-wife's house? In any case, this is the part of this arrangement I hate the most - dropping the kids off at her house.
I remind myself it's what was best for everyone.
Micah and Lil pour out of the backseat and run to Lindsey, who's standing on the front porch.
She greets each of them with a hug, a kiss, and a beautiful smile.
God, I was so lucky to be on the receiving end of those smiles, even if it was only for a little bit.
She ushers the kids inside before walking up to me, standing by my car, and giving me a hug. I wrap my arm around her small frame and breathe in her familiar perfume.
"How'd it go?" she asks. She always asks, even though we text constantly. I think she's actually asking how I am.
"It was good. We walked to the park in my neighborhood and had a movie marathon."
Her hand comes to my arm. "And you? How're you doing?"
I shrug. Because how am I? I'm sad, knowing I'm going to spend a week alone in my crappy apartment. My life feels empty when they're not with me, even though they FaceTime every night.
"Try again," she prods, teasing.
So, I let it all out. "I'm going to miss them.
I always miss them. And I had the most incredible night with that guy I told you about, but I don't know when we'll be able to do it again, and I'm just dreading this week, going through the same day over and over again, waiting for the next time I can see them.
But it's fine. I knew this was going to be part of the arrangement when we split, I think it's the reality of that slapping me in the face. "
Her sweet face softens, and she wraps her arms around me again.
"Why don't we plan a dinner sometime this week so you don't have to go so long without seeing them. Would that help? Plus, I want to hear all about this guy..." She smiles slyly, and I can't help the smile the memories bring to my face.
When I open my eyes again, Lindsey looks shocked. "Oh, my God, Gare. Is it serious? You went all gooey and smiley there for a second."
I shrug again, my smile losing its shine. "I'd like it to be, but he wants to keep things professional. So, I don't know where that leaves me."
She considers me for a second. "I know you made a lot of mistakes, Gare.
There were probably red flags in hindsight that our relationship wasn't good for you.
But I really hope you know you deserve to be happy.
" I open my mouth to argue with her, but she interrupts me.
"This is the first time I've seen you happy outside of the kids in a long time.
That's important, Gare. I know I've said this before, but I would really love to see you in love.
With the right person," she adds. I run my hand down my face in frustration.
Could I be in love with him already? Probably.
If he gave me any indication he wanted more, I'd already be at his feet.
But it's not as simple as saying, "I'm gay.
I want you. Be my boyfriend?" I wouldn't want to share him with anyone.
I don't know if I could be at home while he went out on a Friday night to see a client.
The insecurity and jealousy would eat me alive.
No matter how committed to each other we were.
Would he leave his job for me? His career?
All of his regular clients? That's a lot to ask from anyone.
For someone who's never been chosen, I find it hard to believe that anyone would give up their career for me. Choose me over something as important as their career.
Lindsey's hand resting against my chest brings me back to the present.
"I know you tell me you know all this already, but I wish you felt it. I wish you felt that you deserve love and happiness. You were a good husband and are a great dad. You're a catch. He'd be lucky to have you."
I chuff out a tired chuckle.
"I'm lucky to have you, Linds. You know that? Don't give up on me. Maybe if you tell me that enough, I'll eventually believe it?"
I give her the biggest smile I can muster, and it's not much. She wraps me up in a hug again before we say our goodbyes. I drive back to my apartment like a zombie. My world fades into black and white again without my kiddos.
I let myself into the apartment, click on the TV for some background noise, and plop onto my couch. I'm not really interested in watching anything, but I bring up my banking app on my phone.
I get paid on the first and the fifteenth. Yesterday was the fifteenth, but since it’s Sunday, the money won't hit my account until tomorrow. Or, I guess, tonight at midnight.
So, I spend the next six hours watching and waiting for the minute the money hits my account at midnight.
Then I send Trey another deposit.