Chapter 1
CHAPTER
ONE
ASPEN
My heart is racing as I sit up in bed.
It’s not real. You’re safe. It was a dream.
It wasn’t a dream, though. It’s the nightmare I keep reliving over and over again. I feel like a prisoner in my own mind sometimes.
I know Calloway and Maggie think therapy will help, but I don’t trust my therapist. How could I? She has some degree showing she completed classes that told her how to handle people like me, but she can’t truly understand what I went through. How can she when I don’t fully understand it myself?
So I go to therapy, and I try to talk, but it leaves me feeling more frustrated than I did going in. It doesn’t stop the nightmares. It doesn’t take away the pain.
I’m stuck in a cycle I cannot get out of.
Everyone keeps telling me it wasn’t my fault.
That it’s okay for me to move on, but they are liars.
I am the reason we were in that bar. I put myself and my best friend in danger.
I not only ruined my own life, but I also ruined many others along the way.
Maggie dropped out of college and is now playing den mother to all the brothers here in the Mountain River MC.
If you ask her, I did her a favor. She found love with my brother, but what would her life be like if we hadn’t stopped?
She might have still fallen in love with my brother and not have had to deal with the trauma of looking for me, wondering what happened to me.
I haven’t told her much. She doesn’t need to know the details. The horrors I lived through are mine alone. No one needs to know what I had to do in order to survive. No one but him.
Asher.
He knows what I did because he is yet another victim of mine. One who had his life upended because of something I did.
Shaking my head of my thoughts, I get out of bed and head toward the kitchen.
It’s still early, but I put a pot of coffee on anyway.
There’s no way I am going back to bed tonight.
Once I have a cup made, I take it out onto the porch surrounding the clubhouse.
I slide into one of the rocking chairs and stare at the sky.
It’s so peaceful here. I wish I had convinced Calloway to let me move here sooner. When I’m here, I don’t feel the need to run like I have most of my life. It feels safe. Comfy.
It feels like home.
Taking a deep breath, I let my eyes close as I listen to nature. It is calming in a way I never thought I would find. Out here, I can get my mind to forget the past for a moment as I live in the present.
I don’t know how long I sit on the porch before the sound of the door has my eyelids fluttering open. The sun has started to rise, painting the sky orange and pink.
“How long have you been up?” Maggie asks as she joins me.
“Long enough. Why are you up early?” I ask.
“Panther had business to attend to. I walked over to check on you.”
It irritates me that she feels she needs to check on me. She lives with my brother, Calloway, in his cabin on the back side of the property. It isn’t a far walk, which means she is always here trying to be a good friend. I hate that I wish she wasn’t. It only adds to the guilt when I lash out.
“I’m fine. Enjoying the sunrise,” I murmur.
“No nightmares?”
I snort. “They don’t disappear overnight, Mags. I’m afraid I will live with them for quite some time.”
She sighs softly. “I know. I was hopeful, though. What are your plans for today?”
I shrug. “Same as any other, I suppose. Figuring out what I want to do with my life.”
“Rain invited us shopping if you wanted to go.”
I frown. I hate that something I once would have loved has become something I fear. What if I go out in public and he finds me? Monster might be gone, but Adlet got away. I have no idea how to reconcile that.
“I don’t know,” I whisper.
“You think about it and let me know. I could ask Panther or Eagle to come. You know they would love to.”
I nod. “I will consider it.”
Before she can say anything else, two motorcycles come through the front gate. I wince when I see who it is.
Maggie smiles as she jumps up, running to greet her man. My eyes aren’t on my brother, though.
No, they are on the man beside him.
Asher Zimmerman.
The former cop who somehow found a way to pledge as a prospect for my brother’s MC. The same man who lives rent-free in my head. He brings me both peace and guilt.
I hate that I love to see him.
It’s yet another messed-up piece of my brain.
“Good morning, Aspen,” his gravelly voice speaks.
I take a small breath as I turn my glare on him. “What are you still doing here? I would have thought you would have tucked tail and run back to your pig friends.”
“You seem so certain I will betray this club, but have I not proven that I am willing to be loyal?” he asks.
I hate that he’s right. As much as I act like I hate him with a passion, I trust him. I know he wouldn’t hurt me. Still doesn’t help settle my brain.
“You shouldn’t be here. I don’t know what you did to get my brother to let you in, but you should leave before you do any more damage.”
Before he loses any more of his morals.
That’s my real fear. I have already corrupted him enough with my actions. I can’t live with myself if he gives up all of his morals for me.
I’m not worth it.
“I will never hurt you,” he whispers.
He didn’t need to say the words. They have me wanting to curl up into his arms and accept the safety he offers. Instead, I harrumph at him before giving my brother my attention.
“Calloway, you should be more careful who you let into this club of yours. Seems like there could be a rat here.”
Calloway nods at me once. “I appreciate your concern, but trust me, little sis. I got this.”
He pushes Asher’s shoulder before giving Maggie one last kiss. As they disappear inside, Maggie turns to study me.
“Staring isn’t polite,” I tell her.
“I don’t get why you are so mean to him. He saved your life,” she says.
“You don’t have to get it. It’s for his own good. He was a cop, for Christ’s sake. When did we start trusting the law?”
“You say that like you grew up in this world. Not all cops are bad,” she reminds me.
Not that I need the reminder. Asher isn’t bad at all. It’s why I need him to leave.
“It doesn’t matter. My life has taught me never to trust a rat.”
Without another word, I stand, leaving her on the porch as I take the path along the edge of the clubhouse.
I wish I could let everything go and move on, but it doesn’t seem in the cards for me.
It doesn’t mean Asher is destined for the same fate.
ASHER
I hate leaving Aspen on the porch with those soulful eyes searching for something. I want to give her whatever she needs. She isn’t ready for that, though.
I’ll bide my time.
I know she says she wants me to leave, but I see the way she looks at me. She needs me as much as I need her.
“What was that about?” Panther asks me point-blank.
“She is fighting her own mind. She wants to hate me, but at the same time, she seeks me out for comfort,” I admit.
He nods. “You need to figure it out because if she wants you gone, you will be gone. Understood?”
“If I ever believe she truly wants me gone, you won’t have to do a thing. Even if I am a full-fledged member, I would leave without hesitation. She is my priority. I told you that.”
“Just making sure nothing has changed.”
It’s been three months since we rescued Aspen from Ragged Anarchy. She has been attending therapy since Panther brought her home, but it doesn’t seem to be helping. She seems to still be stuck back in the clubhouse instead of moving forward.
When I first approached Panther about prospecting, he was unsure, but I made it clear that even if I never made it into the club, I was here for Aspen. I wanted to do what I could to help her heal.
Since she refuses to talk to anyone about what she went through, he brought it to a vote, supporting my position. That’s how I ended up being an ex-cop legitimately prospecting for one of the MCs I was hired to take down.
That life is in the past now. As I follow Panther into the meeting room they call the church, I look at the other brothers. I believed in my mission as an agent with the FBI, but I was limited in how I could help people. We had red tape and laws that prevented me from doing a lot.
Aspen changed it all for me. She was innocent. She is who I was meant to be protecting, but my bosses told me her life was collateral damage in the bigger picture. They wanted to take Ragged Anarchy down by any means.
I did what I could to protect Aspen and keep my bosses at bay. It worked for a while. Adlet had a hard-on for Maggie, so he wouldn’t let anyone have fun until he had his.
Then something changed. I didn’t know it at the time, but Adlet had confronted Maggie and didn’t like what the outcome was. He planned to take it out on Aspen.
I should have left it alone. I should have stayed out of it.
Instead, I lit a match and set fire to my career for the blonde-haired, green-eyed beauty with a feisty side she tried so hard to hide. I gave it all up for her, and I would do it again. I am doing it again.
She doesn’t realize that she became my purpose that night. I will do whatever I can to keep her safe.
“Glad to see everyone here. We came from a meeting with his former employer. Seems no one knows where Adlet has disappeared to. Prospect, tell them what you told me,” Panther says, starting the meeting.
Everyone’s eyes turn to me. Not all of them trust me. I get it. They shouldn’t. I used to be on the other side. My priorities have changed now. I’m starting to see the appeal of joining an MC. At least one like this one. One that does good.
Clearing my throat, I start, “I met up with someone from my former office. I was on a wire so Panther could listen and record as requested. Basically, they have been trying to figure out what happened the night we went in and cleared house. As far as they can tell, a lot of the members died, but not all of them. There are a few in the wind, while they did arrest several others. The big fish is Adlet, though. They are not giving up until they find him, so we need to watch where we step. I have gotten them to look elsewhere for now, but that doesn’t mean we are off their list for good.
They will turn their attention here again, but with enough time, we can come up with a plan to keep them off our trail. ”
“You think your contact was telling the truth?” Ridge asks.
I think about Sandra. She was as torn as I was about leaving Aspen to her fate.
We both knew what those men would do to her.
It was a fate I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
Sandra is the one who gave me the tip I needed to pass along to Panther to get her out of there.
She also interfered with the surveillance to give us the window we needed.
So while she is still a cop and on the wrong side of the law from me, I trust her.
“I do. She had her reasons for helping me, and as long as our mission remains aligned with hers, she will continue to help us.”
“What is her mission?” Eagle asks.
“To protect the innocent and rid the world of evil,” I tell them without hesitation.
They all nod.
“Then we should have no issues with her,” Panther says.
“We need to make a plan to search for Adlet while staying off the radar of the FBI. Ridge, as road captain, I want you to arrange some charity rides in different areas. See if you can get some MCs from around to ride with us and keep our cover. That will allow us to scope some places out without the scrutiny.”
“I can ask my contact to keep us apprised of any raids they have going so we can avoid those areas. I can’t guarantee they will say yes, but it won’t hurt to ask,” I add.
“Does everyone approve?” Panther asks the club.
Everyone voices their approval with an “aye.”
“Sounds good. We have a run this weekend. I want my best men on it. I don’t trust that Adlet is lying low without a plan. He will attempt to fuck with us if he can. Eagle will manage the run. Who do you want by your side?” Panther asks.
“Meek can plan it out with Ridge and be the eye in the sky. Ridge can lead it while Talon, Yak, Trout, Prairie, and the prospect follow along.”
I’m shocked he is including me. The way he is looking at me says it’s not to be friendly. Eagle plans to keep his eye on me. I don’t mind, though. I appreciate that all of these men are protective of Aspen. It means that if something happens to me, she will be taken care of.
I don’t plan to go anywhere, but still, the thought is comforting.
“All right, we have a plan. Now let’s institute it. Report back if you find anything and get the ears on the ground. Adjourned.”
As I leave the room, I wonder if this is what it feels like to have a big family. If it is, I kind of like it.