Chapter 14
CHAPTER
FOURTEEN
ASPEN
After checking in with her secretary, I head to the back of the house and out the back door. I kick off my shoes before I head down the steps. The grass is cool under my feet, making me shiver.
I’m not sure about this, but I’m willing to try. When my therapist, Erin, told me she wanted to try therapy while working on something, I thought it could be fun. What I wasn’t expecting was for her to recommend that I help her in her garden.
Erin looks up and smiles. “You made it.”
“I did. Sorry, I’m late. There was an accident.”
“It’s fine. You know I build extra time into my schedule just in case. Now come sit.”
I make my way through her garden and sit down across from her.
“I’m going to be honest. I have no idea what I’m looking at, let alone what’s a weed and what’s a plant.”
Erin laughs. “Here, put these on. Then start pulling the dandelions.”
She hands me a pair of gloves.
Dandelions. I can do that.
“It’s so bright out here,” I mutter.
“The sunshine will be good for you.”
“Why did I have to take off my shoes?” I ask as I wiggle my toes in the grass.
“Grounding is good for the soul. I could tell you the theories behind the benefits, but I don’t think you are quite ready for that yet.” She winks.
I can’t help but chuckle. She’s not wrong. Erin’s got this whole hippy thing going on, and that’s definitely not my style.
To each their own, though.
“So how have you been?” she asks.
“I’ve been pretty good. Some days are easier than others,” I tell her as I pull the weed.
“How’s your sleeping been? We had previously discussed putting you on some medication to help if you hadn’t figured it out by now.”
I sigh when the weed snaps in half, leaving half in the ground.
“Gentle hands,” she says lightly.
“I don’t want to take anything.”
“Sleep is an important part of healing. If you aren’t sleeping…there’s no shame in admitting you need help.”
“Am I sleeping enough? Probably not, but when I am sleeping, it seems to be better. The nightmares are becoming less frequent.”
What I don’t tell her is that they are completely absent when I sleep next to Asher.
“Good. If that changes, though, you have options. You have nothing to be afraid of.”
I look around the garden. She’s got flowers and plants on one side and fruits and vegetables on the other.
“What’s that over there?” I ask, pointing to what looks like a shed but is made of glass.
“That’s my greenhouse.”
“So many plants,” I muse.
“They make me happy.” She shrugs. “How have things been with your family since you started making amends?”
“Better, I think. Things seem less tense, but that could just be me.”
“Do you feel more at peace?”
I think about it for a moment. “I do. Don’t get me wrong, I know I have a long way to go to prove that I meant it when I apologized to all of them, but it was nice finally saying it.”
“No one realizes how heavy it can make one feel having things left unspoken.”
I nod at her words. “It really does.”
“Have you started to feel worthy of their love yet? You’ve told me before that you don’t think that you deserve them,” she says bluntly.
That’s what a therapist is for, though. They ask the hard questions and make you face your issues.
I bite my cheek as I reach for another weed.
“I still struggle with it, I think,” I admit softly.
“Which part are you struggling with?”
I take a deep breath before I answer. “I feel like I don’t deserve good things. I don’t deserve their friendship, loyalty, or love. I’m a bitch on a good day and a fucking nightmare at my worst. They shouldn’t have to put up with my mood swings.”
She hums. “But they do. They do it because they love you during your highs and lows. You don’t have to understand it because it’s not something that’s up to you. We all have free will, right?”
“Yeah…”
She nods. “They are exercising their free will by loving you, by being friends with you. They don’t care what others think or say, because at the end of the day, it’s their choice. They are choosing you.”
“Because they’re idiots,” I mutter under my breath.
Erin catches it, though. “They aren’t idiots, Aspen. We both know that.”
We each work in our section of the garden for several minutes of silence. I know what she is doing. She is forcing me to think about her words.
When she finally speaks, it’s to ask me a hard-hitting question.
“Tell me, would you go back in time, and knowing what you know now, would you change anything? Would you never befriend Maggie or get close to your brother? Would you cut yourself off from those who love you most in the world and isolate yourself?”
For a moment, I contemplate what she’s asking, and it makes my heart ache.
I can’t imagine what it would have been like to grow up without Maggie. To not have someone to remind me that there are good people in the world. Then I think about Calloway. I don’t even want to think about what could have happened to me if he hadn’t been around to protect me.
“No. No, I wouldn’t go back and walk away from them.”
“That’s what I thought. You were dealt a shitty hand as a child, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t have some bright spots in your childhood.
Specifically, Calloway and Maggie. They love you and have for years.
They’ve seen you at your worst and your best. Don’t you think it’s time to stop believing that one day they might leave you? ” she asks.
Calloway and Maggie are two of the most loyal people I’ve ever met. Logically, I know they won’t leave, but that doesn’t stop the fear from manifesting when I’m low.
Fears are sometimes irrational and unexplainable.
“I don’t know if I can. Logically, I know they won’t leave me, but that doubt always lives inside of me.”
“You can. It will just take time. Start believing it, and the doubt will shrink,” Erin says confidently.
I grunt, pulling a weed. I don’t know if she’s just blindly optimistic or if she knows something I don’t, but I’m willing to try.
The conversation shifts and becomes lighter. She tells me about the new plants she’s planted recently, and I tell her about how I’m excited for a new season of a show I recently discovered. By the time my session ends, I’m feeling happier and lighter than I have in a while.
Huh, who would have thought that a little sunshine and therapy were exactly what I needed?
ASHER
“I’m telling you, man, if you ever get the chance to just ride, do it. Go visit all the national parks. It’s totally fucking worth it,” Yak says.
I shake my head. “Just when I think I’m getting to know you, you say some crazy shit like that. I never thought you would be a national park groupie.”
“I like seeing what’s out there.” He shrugs.
There are sixty-three national parks, and he’s been to all of them.
“I can’t imagine how long that took.”
“I mean, it’s not like I did it all at once. I started as a kid,” he points out.
A car turning onto our road catches our attention.
“Your girl is back,” he murmurs.
My heart races as I catch sight of her.
I never know what to expect after she has a therapy session. Sometimes she’s closed off, and other times she looks lighter.
When the car comes to a stop, she gets out, catching me off guard.
“Is everything okay?” I ask as she throws her arms around my neck.
She pops up on her tiptoes and kisses me.
At first, I’m frozen. We’ve never kissed in front of others, not since we’ve been here. When she starts to pull away, though, I get it together and kiss her back.
“Get it, girl,” Maggie teases.
Aspen laughs as she pulls back, her eyes shining brightly.
“What was that for?” I ask.
She shrugs. “I felt like it was time. Is that okay?”
“You know it is,” I growl, pulling her in closer.
She smiles. “Good.”
“How was therapy?” I ask as I rub my thumb along her chin.
“Great. I feel lighter,” she tells me.
I press a kiss to her nose. “Think it’s helping?”
She tilts her head from side to side. “To be determined. Are you stuck out here all day?”
“For a few more hours at least, yeah,” I tell her.
She gives me a coy smile. “Find me when you’re done?”
“You know I will.”
She leans up again and kisses me. All too soon, she pulls away and runs back to the car and slides into the passenger seat. Maggie waves as they drive through the gate.
“Your girl is looking better,” Yak says.
My heart feels lighter. “So it’s not just me?”
“Nah, man, we all see it. Shit, maybe you should load her up on the back of your bike and hit the road. Get away from here for a while. Once you patch in, of course.”
For a moment, I picture it. Spending all day on the road before stopping for a few days, hitting up different spots. For some reason, I imagine Aspen wanting to stop at weird roadside attractions, like giant balls of yarn and shit, and it makes me smile.
I wonder if she would want to. Just go and have some alone time to figure us out before coming back here and settling down.
Would she want to build a cabin here on club property? Or would she want to live somewhere close by?
There’s so much about her I don’t know yet.
We have time. A long road trip would really give us a start, though.
“Maybe after I’m patched in. If I get patched in,” I murmur as a plan begins to stir in the back of my mind.
“Dude, you know you’re a sure in, right?” Yak says.
“I don’t know. Some of the brothers still don’t trust me,” I tell him.
“Panther does, though.”
“It’s not just up to him,” I remind him.
“True, but if you keep working your ass off and thinking fast on your feet, they won’t have a reason to say no,” he tells me.
“Time will tell.” I shrug.
My phone vibrates in my pocket.
“One sec,” I say as I pull out my phone.
My heart races when I see a text from my sister on the screen.
Quickly, I open the message.
Ashley
Are you alive? I need proof of life. It’s been too long.
I let out a breath when I realize nothing’s wrong.
“You okay?” Yak asks.
“Yeah, my sister texted me.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
I shake my head. “Not at all. I’m just not used to hearing from her often, is all. When I was undercover, I made sure she had a way to get ahold of me if she really needed me, but we’ve never really been able to just check in and talk. So now that we can, it’s…weird.”
“That’s rough, man.”
“Tell me about it,” I mutter.
I send her a quick text back.
Me
I’m alive and kicking. You good?
She replies right away.
Ashley
I’m good. I just heard your name at the coffee shop and thought of you. Hopefully, I’ll see you soon?
Me
I’ll see what I can do.
Ashley
Cool. I’m heading into work. I love you. Stay safe.
I heart her message before I drop my phone back into my pocket.
“Sorry about that.”
Yak shakes his head. “Nothing to be sorry about. When family needs you, you answer.”
“Spoken like an older sibling.”
Yak smirks. “I’m actually the youngest. I have two older sisters.”
“I’m not going to lie, man. I didn’t see that coming.”
“Most don’t.” He laughs.
I am envious of him. “Are you close to your family?”
“As close as a guy can be when he lives in the gray and his sister is a district attorney,” he says, making me wince.
“Shit, that’s worse than being related to a cop.”
“Tell me about it. The only good thing is that she works in Chicago. She’s far enough away that I don’t have to worry about shit,” he says, making me laugh.
“I guess that’s one way to look at it. Your other sister, what does she do?”
He smiles widely. “She’s a stay-at-home mom, which is fucking perfect for her. She married her high school sweetheart and seems to be sickeningly in love with him, even though I think he’s a fucking douche.”
“Can’t help who you fall in love with,” I tell him.
“No, you can’t. Now, enough about that shit. Have you noticed the tension between Rain and Ridge?” he asks, gossiping like a schoolgirl.
“I think everyone and their mother has noticed,” I deadpan.
He nods. “I’m starting a betting pool on how long until they hook up. You want in?”
I want to say no, but he’s including me in this. It feels good. Besides, it’s a foregone conclusion that something will happen with Rain and Ridge eventually.
I nod. “Yeah, man, count me in.”
As he rattles on about random shit. I can’t help but shake my head. I don’t know how this became my life. I’ve never had this sort of brotherhood. Never just gossiped like teenage girls about my friends just because I can.
I fucking love it.
Aspen might think she fucked up my life when we met, but what she really did was show me what I was missing, and for that alone, I’ll always be thankful.