38. Daire
Daire
They left Mother.
The coven should have taken her. Performed rites. But they’d left her there with the Wildwood pack, no doubt because they weren’t going to wait around and see if Aleks really meant to enforce his half-hour time limit.
If what Tristan said was true, loyalty to her had fractured already. However angry the coven was at me, it didn’t fix what had broken between them. They weren’t going to risk their lives for her corpse.
I squirmed in Viktor’s arms, and when he set me down, he left his arm around the small of my back to steady me, keeping me close even when I bent to pull on my pants.
The last thing that I wanted to do was pull away, but my mother was there in the dirt. Her dark hair was black as ink, soaked through by the rain.
I took a step away, then another. The tether never pulled, so Viktor must’ve come too, but I wasn’t listening. I was stuck, staring at her.
When I reached her I sat on the ground, pulled my legs up to my chest, and combed her hair back from her pale face. Her makeup was a mess. Her throat was nothing more than a giant red gash.
I’d done that.
I could have bitten her anywhere. Could have taken a chunk out of her leg or her arm and she’d have been fine.
Why had I bitten her there?
I’d wanted to stop her awful chanting. I’d wanted her quiet. I’d wanted her—
I’d wanted this. Not consciously, maybe, but the instinct had been so easy. I’d sunk my fangs into her and this was the outcome.
And for some reason, Viktor was willing to fight for me anyway.
No, not some reason. Because Mother had cast the spell that’d hurt him. She’d hurt his pack. She’d been willing to kill us both, not just the night we’d met but tonight too.
Now, she couldn’t hurt anyone ever again, because I’d hurt her.
The others were closer now, but I didn’t look up to see who or why, just stared at her still face and her lips as they turned purple.
“Do you have a shovel?” I asked.
“I’ll find one.” That was Cash. I heard him leave, but couldn’t make myself look up.
“Is there somewhere I can—can I . . . bury her?”
An uncomfortable ripple went through those gathered around, and I shrank. I couldn’t just leave her out there in the rain to rot, though. I needed to do something.
“What about the woods beyond the hunting cabin?” Altair asked. Even in this bleak, wet moment, his voice was filled with kindness and light, a hope threading through it that I couldn’t begin to understand.
“That’s fine,” Aleks said.
I knelt forward and put my arms beneath Mother’s knees, around her shoulders.
“I can do that,” Viktor said.
I shook my head and picked her up myself. “Show me where?”
Leo and Altair led the way. Cash caught up and Viktor took the shovel.
We found a spot and I carried her there. I only put her down so I could take the shovel from Viktor, who frowned when I took it from him, but then Altair stepped up. “I could move the dirt for you?”
I couldn’t meet his eye. “No, thank you.”
I sank the shovel’s edge into the ground. It was squishy and soft, and made a wet noise as I lifted it up.
I dug and dug. When I was hip-deep in the hole, it started to fill with water, but it wasn’t deep enough. They had to be six feet, right? Taller than me, then.
I kept digging as long as I could, until the water made it impossible to go any deeper. That’d have to be enough.
Viktor took the shovel when I handed it up, and he set it aside.
“Could you . . . pass her down?” I didn’t just want to roll her across the ground and let her drop.
Leo handed her to me, and I set her down in the pooled water. Her face disappeared beneath it, and I stood there, staring, until Viktor said my name. When I reached up, he helped me climb out.
Filling the hole back in was easier, if only because it was easier to breathe standing near the rest of them.
They stayed, silent, the whole time, as though in solidarity even as I insisted on doing all the work myself.
It still took a long time, but I was a werewolf, and I could keep going forever, couldn’t I?
When I was finished, I packed the earth down as tight as I could and stood there, dumbfounded, unsure what to do next.
Altair bumped against my arm gently. “Do you want to say anything?”
I swallowed. My throat felt hot and tight, and I had to swallow again. Even then, it was impossible to open my mouth.
But as I stared at the upturned earth and thought about all the time I’d spent hoping for the future, all the nights I’d curled up in my room with Mariah and tried to make myself smaller because I thought that was the best thing I could be. Unimposing. Out of the way. Obedient.
Mother might’ve let a werewolf awaken me, but she never would’ve invited Viktor to dinner. She’d have hated him. Tried to kill him.
She had tried to kill him.
I let out a sigh that had my shoulders slumping and my head hanging low. With my eyes on the mud, I shrugged. “I wish I’d been enough how I was.”
But I hadn’t been. Not for one minute. Not for her.
I clutched the shaft of the shovel tight and turned back toward the pack houses. It wasn’t like there was anywhere else for me to go.
Again, there was no tug on the magical tether. Viktor must’ve resigned himself to following me around all night, but it was nice to know he was with me.
The others hung back, and I felt a rumbling of the earth beneath my feet that I suspected had something to do with Altair’s power, but I didn’t care to turn around and find out. Mother was buried, and all that I needed right then was to be away from all of it.
Viktor didn’t say anything on the way back, but when we got to Katya’s home, he eased the shovel out of my grip and set it upright on the porch. Katya came to the door. She must’ve brought candles out onto the porch, because they flickered on a low table near the door.
“There’s a bath around the side of the house if you want it,” she said softly, sending me a look that broke my heart a little bit.
She felt sorry for me, and that was wrong. I’d killed my mom. I didn’t deserve pity. I—
Frankly, I probably deserved whatever Destiny had in mind.
But when I looked down at myself, skin caked in mud, I realized Katya was probably right. I didn’t need to drag the muck all through her house.
“Water’s warm,” she said with a gentle smile.
My eyes dropped. “Thank you.”
Viktor took my hand and led me around the stone path to the big metal washbasin.
I should’ve done something with it. Or with myself.
All I could do was stand there until he guided me over.
While I sat next to the edge of the tub, Viktor used a cloth to clean the mud off my legs and arms. It’d splashed everywhere, but I was having a hard time caring. Better to deal with some mud than have the pack’s homes burn down.
If it were left to me, though, I’d have crawled to bed completely covered in it. Probably wouldn’t have gotten up for days.
Chewing on my bottom lip, I looked down at Viktor. He shouldn’t have to keep me together. Not when—
“I’ll fix it,” I whispered, my throat squeezing tight as tears returned to my eyes.
He frowned at me. “Fix it?”
“Your wolf. I won’t . . . I won’t keep him from you. Steal him forever. I’ll figure this out.”
Viktor shook his head. “You haven’t stolen anything.”
A sob escaped my throat, tears streamed down my cheeks, and Viktor wet a new cloth to wipe the speckles of mud off my face and catch them all at once.
When he’d gotten enough of the dirt off me, he shimmied my gym shorts off and I lifted my hips to make it easier, sinking back into the steaming tub of water.
He rinsed himself off with far less care before he climbed in behind me. Shaking, I let him pull me back into the curve of his arms. His fingers curled around my elbow as I turned into him. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight, even when my ribcage jumped and spasmed from my crying.
“I’m not upset,” he whispered against the top of my head. “I’m not disappointed. I’m just worried about you.”
Great. I’d made him worry.
“I’m sorry,” I sniffled.
His arms around me tightened. “You have no reason to be sorry.”
He took a long, deep breath, and with my cheek pressed against his chest, it was natural to follow suit. I inhaled, but mine shook, and I let it out with a pitiful, wet sob.
He breathed again, and so did I.
After a few times, it was easier, and I drifted off there in that warm water, tucked between his legs and cradled in his arms.