October – November 1986 Clara
CLARA
In October, just before our run of La Sylphide finished, the cast lists for The Nutcracker went up.
Given how things had been going since my promotion, it wasn’t unreasonable to assume that I would be making my Sugar Plum Fairy debut.
The character – who is barely a character, more a figurehead for ballet at Christmastime – is only in the production for about fifteen minutes in the second act, but her choreography is so difficult that her name in the programme is listed above the characters who actually drive the story.
I did not find my name next to the Sugar Plum Fairy.
Instead, for the fourth time in my career, I had been cast as Clara.
Almost as confounding was Sander’s name next to Hans-Peter’s, the eponymous Nutcracker.
He’d already starred opposite Carolyn’s Sugar Plum Fairy as her Prince the previous season; the role of Hans-Peter was still a leading one, so it was more of a lateral move than a demotion, but unexpected nonetheless.
‘Wow, Nick is making some… choices this year,’ Jamie said. He was happy with his high-energy role of Herr Drosselmeyer’s assistant, but recognised that I was taken aback, bordering on upset.
‘Cheer up, Trix, I’m sure you’ll get it next year,’ Fiona said. She was right – every December and January, whether or not you wanted it, The Nutcracker would always be there.
‘Does he think I’m not capable of it?’ I muttered, walking with her out of earshot of the other principals. ‘That I’m not mature enough?’
‘I doubt that’s the reason,’ Fiona said. ‘Sugar Plum is one of the purest and most child-friendly characters in the repertory. It’s hardly Manon, or Mayerling.’
True. Sander didn’t seem to have any strong feelings about the decision when I asked him, so I tried not to dwell on it.
I also didn’t want to seem ungrateful – in less than a year, I already had five leading roles to my name, three of them in full-lengths.
More than most ballerinas see in an entire career.
Perhaps this was Nick’s way of keeping his dancers’ egos in check.
‘Why don’t you ask him and find out?’ Carolyn suggested during one of our catch-ups over the phone. ‘Knock on his door and ask for a few minutes. He’s normally in by eight thirty.’
It hadn’t even occurred to me that I was allowed to do that. Nick was a busy man, the captain of a gigantic ship, the mayor of a small city. When I was a soloist, I would never have dreamt of asking for a meeting in his office; he only had time for important people.
‘Darling, you are one of those important people,’ Carolyn reminded me. ‘Without us – without you and Sander and the other principals – the Dance Hall would have to go back to the wartime days of earning its money through tea dances and ceilidhs alone.’
Being the newest principal, I still didn’t feel as important as she was making out, but her words gave me the push to knock on Nick’s office door before morning class.
‘I’m not complaining,’ I said quickly, with emphasis. ‘I’m just curious to know why.’
Nick nodded, taking a long sip from his Dance Hall-branded mug of black coffee. ‘I suspected you would be. Let me assure you that it is in no way a judgement of your skillset as a dancer. School exams are long behind you, Trix.’
‘Well, it’s hard not to think of school.
The last time I sat in this office was when you gave me my first contract.
I suppose I’m just… surprised, given how demanding the next two months will be on the company, that you didn’t want to use every resource at your disposal.
’ I gestured to myself. Crystal Collins, out of action with Achilles tendinitis, wasn’t expected to be performance-ready until the new year, and we were already two principals down from last season now that Julian and Amelia had retired.
‘Oh, if – God forbid – we wind up in another Carolyn/Sleeping Beauty crisis, and you and Sander are up to the task, then I am fully prepared to call on your services. I should have a Bat-signal installed on the roof for that very purpose, in the shape of a pointe shoe. But I promise you’ll get to enjoy Sugar Plum next year.
The reason I decided to give you Clara and Sander Hans-Peter this year is simply because audiences have seen you in those roles before in different casts, but never together.
Why do you think I’ve sprinkled you throughout the run, from December right through to mid-January?
These are trying times for the arts, and most of our eggs are in the Nutcracker basket. I need people I can count on.’
‘Well, if you believe in us that much, then I trust you.’
‘Thank you kindly. You ought to try believing in yourselves. The box office loves you together. The critics love you together. I’ve eavesdropped at the bar during interval enough times to know that the preferred description of your chemistry with Sander is “a certain je ne sais quoi”.
It’s good business sense, but it is also gratifying for me, as director, to watch the two of you work so beautifully.
Don’t tell Sander I said this, but for the longest time I really didn’t know what to do with him.
And then, there you were. Can you see it, from where you stand? ’
‘See what?’
‘The magic you have onstage. Really, Trix, it’s something else. And if it’s quite all right with you, I intend to keep that magic alive in the Dance Hall for as long as possible.’
Before I got up to leave, I took Carolyn’s advice one step further. ‘Fair enough. But when La Bayadère comes around in May, I would like Nikiya, please.’
‘Oh?’ Nick raised an eyebrow. ‘Duly noted. I make no promises, but… duly noted. Why Nikiya over Gamzatti?’
I shrugged with feigned lightness. ‘It’s a new incarnation of the ballet, and I don’t know when it might come around again. I’ll happily dance Gamzatti if I get a chance in the future, but this season I want Nikiya.’
He chuckled. ‘Carolyn has taught you well. She made the same request five or six years ago.’
* * *
The thought that Sander would never see me as anything more than a colleague was still raw enough that Nick’s intention to make us the Fonteyn and Nureyev of our generation felt like a cruel joke. Not least because it was an open secret in the ballet world that Nureyev preferred men, too.
By the time Nutcracker rehearsals were underway, however, I’d made a tentative peace with it, and with my fourth-time go at Clara.
Something Nick had said before I left his office that day stuck with me: ‘A number of soloists are making their Clara debuts this year, and they will look to you as the standard-bearer. Go out there one last time and show them how it’s done. ’
Rarely does one know when they’ll be dancing a role for the last time, so this was an edifying thing to hear.
I could either figuratively drag my feet through the whole run, or return to Clara with the affection and appreciation of an old friend.
Besides, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t excited to dance with Sander in another full-length, regardless of our roles.
Dancing with him was like a difficult morning class: it made my heart thud, brought old pain to the surface, but left me exhilarated.