On Your Own Time
Thanks to the ongoing success of our partnership, Trix and I had built enough goodwill with Nick, Mariska, and Salvatore that when we asked to leave Lise and Colas’s kisses out of the learning calls, to put them aside until we were ready, they let us.
I do not know if Mariska said something similar to Trix, but she tapped me on the shoulder, light yet precise, and suggested – without directly meeting my eye – that we take a Monday afternoon walk through Regent’s Park. ‘The weather’s so gorgeous now, it would be rude not to.’
It made me smile when she said such things. Acknowledging that, despite their caprices, the wind and rain and sun had feelings worthy of respect. My two worlds, brushing so close, without stirring up fear or resentment. Unthinkable, once.
We walked in slow, silent step down the park’s long avenue.
The white and pink blossoms on either side had shed a little, but most of the petals were holding strong, unwilling to leave the comfort of their branches, the way one hates to leave bed on a cold morning.
I waited for Trix to remark how beautiful everything looked, as was her habit, but she kept her eyes forward.
‘What are you thinking about?’ I asked.
She laced her fingers through mine, as if bracing herself for a lift. ‘Lise and Colas.’
We came to a stop by one of the benches, but neither of us sat.
‘Me, too.’ In the silence that followed, I gave myself an imaginary slap to the face. Stop dancing around what you wish to say. Stop hiding in the space words cannot reach. ‘Before we… practise, uh, that is, practise their kisses, I want you… to know…’
But as soon as I looked at her, I stumbled over my words. “I want you” fell between us like the first raindrop before a cloudburst.
I tried again. ‘There is something I have wanted to tell you for a long time. A very long time.’
The stress fracture in your leg did not go away on its own.
You were right to fear the Great Storm, because it made you stray into a world that will never welcome you.
If you ever crossed paths with my parents, they would love nothing more than to torture you to death.
If you ever crossed paths with Cressida, she would torture you to death and then, only after a successful consummation of our marriage, me.
I have spent the last decade trying to live two lives, but only one can win out.
One day, sooner or later, you will ask yourself why I never age.
You were never part of the plan.
This cannot end happily.
I took up her other hand. ‘I did not know how lonely I had been, until I met you.’