Chapter 18 #2
All I know is that every minute I spend with Theo, I want to spend a million more. I never knew he was missing in my life, but now that I’ve gotten to experience what it’s like to have him in it, I don’t think I can ever go back.
And that is a scary thought.
Especially given our circumstances.
At the end of the day, Theo is still my boss, and I’m still his employee. We’re dancing along the line of professionalism—which is sometimes thrilling and exciting, but it’s also terrifying.
Though we haven’t been together very long, I feel like I’ve known him much longer. I’m comfortable around him, more so than any other man I’ve been with. He seems to understand me in a way that I can’t describe.
If I don’t watch myself, I know I’m going to fall fast and hard for Theo Hurst.
And to make matters worse, I suspect that he feels all of these things about me, too. If not based on the way he treats me, definitely based on the way that he looks at me as if I’m the most beautiful person to him, or how he runs his hands over my body as if he can’t get enough of me.
“So, it’s like that,” Leila whispers, her eyes softening.
My heart thunders in my chest, and panic starts to rise. “What do I do?”
“What do you mean?”
“I can’t be falling for Theo,” I protest.
She raises an eyebrow at me. “And why not?”
“You know why. It’s so—”
“Perfect?” she fills in for me, her lips twisting again. “If it’s as perfect as you’re hinting to me that it is, then I don’t see the problem.”
“Maybe he signs my paychecks every two weeks?” I say dismally. “Or that he’s way out of my league? He’s a CEO, Leila. I’m just an assistant. A fact his mother drilled home for me today in not so many words.”
Leila arches an eyebrow. “Okay, well you’re going to need to fill me in on that one, but trust me, worse things, far more scandalous things, have happened.”
I fall back into the cushions of my couch and cover my face with my hands. “It’s not even that. It’s just—I feel so insecure about it.”
“Maybe that’s something you need to talk to him about then,” Leila suggests. “He should know how you’re feeling.”
“He knows,” I tell her, uncovering my face and giving her a bland look. “But he’s trying to have the best of both worlds. He wants to wait until his ninety-day review before we make anything official with HR.”
“Why?” Leila asks the question that’s been running through my mind since Theo first suggested it.
“I think it’s because he’s worried it will affect how the Board sees him before he has a chance to prove himself in their eyes,” I explain.
“Which I understand. And I agreed to it because it makes sense to me. But still, with every day that passes and he keeps meeting qualities off that stupid list, all I want is for him to say ‘Fuck it all’ and claim me as his, for everyone to see.”
Leila is quiet for a moment once I finish my big proclamation. She studies me intently, her soft eyes running over every feature of my face as if looking for clues. “Have you told him about your list?”
My eyes close, and I shake my head. When I open my eyes again, Leila’s about to say something, but I cut her off. “I thought for a second he might’ve known about it when we went out of town for his mother’s gala, but I think he was just saying things. I haven’t told him.”
“Do you think you should tell him?”
“I don’t know,” I admit truthfully. It’s something I’ve done for so long, but still, when faced with someone who might potentially be everything I’m looking for, I’ve suddenly gotten embarrassed about it.
“If I were a guy and I found out that a woman I cared deeply about routinely measured me up against something so seemingly unattainable, I think I’d be bothered by it, don’t you?”
“I don’t know…” I say again, trying not to make it obvious that she nailed it right on the head. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.
As if she can sense that, Leila raises her hands in surrender.
“Hey, don’t get mad at me. I’m just asking the questions that I feel like you need to be asking yourself.”
“Just—give me some time,” I plead. “I’ll tell him. I promise I will. I just have to figure out the best way to do it.”
Leila gives me an understanding look. “If Theo is anywhere near how kind his brother is, I don’t think you have to worry about that.
But again, I get the feeling that you’ll want to tell him before he finds out himself.
I don’t see that going over well when he discovered you’ve been meticulously checking items off an imaginary list to determine his worth to you. ”
I want to protest that it has nothing to do with worth, but I don’t. Leila’s probably right. But rather than adding any more to the conversation, I reach for the remote and play the next episode, choosing to stew in the aftermath of everything she said.
While the characters play out their plot lines on screen, I’m still mulling over everything in my head.
I know Leila is coming from a place of consideration.
She wants to see me happy, and Theo definitely is the man who makes me the happiest. But the thought of divulging my secret list to him makes my stomach twist in ways that have me wanting to do the exact opposite.
The evening rolls by until Leila and I have both had too much wine and way too much fun watching the Gilmore Girls make a mess of everything.
The two of us pad off to bed, not bothering to clean anything up—Leila takes my guest room, and I wander into my own bedroom.
As I lie awake staring at the ceiling, all I can think about is the list sitting in my bag.
I decide then and there that I’ll come up with a way to tell Theo.
I just have to hope that he’ll be open to hearing about this quirky side of me rather than getting defensive and shutting down whatever is blooming between us.
I get the feeling that though Theo and I have only known each other a few weeks, this is just the beginning.