Chapter 32
Serena
I was fine. I was having fun with my friends. I was drinking. I should be on cloud nine, feeling exhilarated and carefree. But I couldn’t shake off the mixed emotions I had after seeing my mom and her child.
I couldn’t wrap it around my head. The woman who birthed me, who then walked out on me, suddenly pops into my life. This isn’t like how I imagined running into her would be like after all these years. I always pictured it a bit more formal like picking up a coffee at some overpriced local shop. Of course it had to catch me off guard.
To add the cherry on top, I met her daughter . She has a daughter. The question screams at me, was I not good enough ?
I knock back another shot, the liquid burning to my core, momentarily dulling the ache inside. But the more I try to bury those feelings, the stronger they seem to resurface.
Seeing the person who walked out on me wasn’t even the worst part of my night. Tonight, all of my demons are out to get me. When I circled up with Tyler, I already had way too much liquor coursing through my body and I’m fully aware I told him I would stop drinking. But I need to forget everything tonight. I need to forget people.
I’m in my own world until Tyler sees me across the room. A wave of relief filters through my body, calming my nerves and temporarily easing my thoughts. I take a long sip. I fill up my cup with more liquor or whatever’s laid out in the kitchen.
Tyler’s concerned gaze meets mine, and for a fleeting moment, I wish I could let him in on the turmoil inside me. But for some reason, I can’t. Part of me is worried that he’ll run if I start trauma dumping my problems onto him again. But I also know based on previous therapy, I need to let out my feelings before it consumes me. Instead, I force a smile, hoping he can’t see through the fa?ade I’m desperately trying to maintain.
The party continues to pulse around me, but I couldn’t ignore the strange undercurrent threading through the air. Phones are beeping left and right, whispers spread through the crowd like wildfire.
I’m standing next to Priya who already has her phone out. “Ser…” she says with an alarming voice.
“I’m going to fucking kill her,” Alli says across from me. She dashes through the crowd with Jared following behind her.
“Serena. ”
I snatch the cup from Grant’s hands and gulp down its contents, not caring what it is. The liquid, a deep shade of brown, searing down my throat. I hear Grant and Priya urging me to stop but I can’t. My demons are out to get me for some goddamn reason.
Alli’s voice is the only one who cuts through once she returns. “Here, drink this,” she replaces the cup with water. “You’re done, I’m cutting you off.”
“But–”
“Serena, stop drinking your emotions away.”
“You’re drinking again?” Tyler’s voice sounds concerned rather than scolding. “You said you were stopping earlier.”
“I need to not feel anything,” I mutter, reaching for the cup again, but the effects of the alcohol coursing through me disrupts my balance. A familiar pair of arms catch me before I could fall to the ground and keep me upright.
“Hey, hey, you’re okay, you’re with me,” Tyler says. His protective tone tugs at my heartstrings, but in my drunken state, I can’t dwell on it.
“I’m taking you home,” Alli assures.
“You’re homecoming queen, you should stay. We can stay.” I insist .
“Serena, we’re not staying here with these whack ass people. We’re leaving.”
“But–”
Tyler envelopes me into his arms, “I’m taking you home.”
He guides me out of the party after he says goodbye to my friends. The loud thumping music fades out into the distance as we emerge out of Beckham’s house. The cool air hits me like a bucket of cold water which shocks me out of my drunken state. The chaotic energy from the party dwindles out of us, leaving the commotion behind us.
“Let me help you to the car.” Tyler tries to wrap another arm around me, but I reel back from his embrace, even though it’s the only thing I want right now. I just don’t let myself have it.
“Don’t,” I say, probably too harshly, but I blame the alcohol.
The walk to his car is long and a blur, honestly. The rows of parked cars stretch endlessly along the street, the dim streetlights casting a golden glow on the quiet neighborhood.
“Serena, what’s going on?” Tyler’s voice breaks through the silence.
“Nothing,” I say, feeling exhausted, vulnerable, broken maybe.
“Nothing? Why won’t you open up to me?” his frustration hangs in the air like a heavy fog .
“You want me to open up? You want me to pour my heart out on the table for you? Fine.” The burning ache of alcohol takes its toll on me mentally. I don’t even care if this breaks me. I take a deep breath, trying to steady myself, but the words tumble out like vomit. “My mom left me, no, she walked out on me, and of–fucking–course, the world thought it would be hilarious for me to run into her tonight. Not to mention she has another kid. I have a sister. She left me high and dry, and I always assumed she never wanted children. But she had another one. I wonder if that child is more than good enough compared to younger me...”
I continue, “My dad is– was –my rock. He tried, he did everything a mom should have done for me. Then he fucking died because of some idiot who drank and decided it would be a great idea to drive. Because of that stupid, selfish act, I lost the most important person in the world.” My voice trails off, the weight of those memories heavy in my mind.
“The universe has it out for me. I’m the poster child of a broken person, think about it.” I unload.
“You are not broken!” Tyler’s voice is firm, his eyes on the verge of shedding tears.
I ignore him and continue babbling on, “You want to know the best part of the night?” I pause for some goddamn reason like the answer is sitting in his back pocket. “Emilie, Beckham’s date? She hated my guts back in All-Stars. Bullied me right off the team. I practically begged to be homeschooled because of her fault.”
As the words spill out, it feels like a dam has burst, each painful memory finding its way out, raw and unfiltered.
“Are you okay?” he says as his gentle eyes meet mine. They hold a certain familiarity, the kind that haunts me in the middle of the day and in my dreams. It’s a look I recognize all too well, one that stirs something deep within me.
“Don’t look at me like that,” I whisper, my chest rising and falling with the weight of emotions crashing over me.
“Like what?”
“Like you fucking pity me. I don’t need your pity. I never wanted it from anyone. Not my family, not my friends and certainly not you.”
“Serena, I don’t pity you. I care about you! There’s a difference,” Tyler responds, his voice cracking as everything cracks around us.
“I don’t need anyone’s care. I’m fine on my own,” I retort, my voice burning with a defensive edge while also on the verge of tears.
“Fine on your own?” His pitch rises slightly.
“Why do you care so much!” I reply, the words carrying a weight of sarcasm that alcohol is fueling .
“Because I love you!”
Time stops. Everything stops.
The running alcohol in my veins halts.
“Serena, I love you.”
My breath hitches.
“The day I met you, I knew you were going to mean something to me. I regret not getting your number that day. I kept going back, hoping to see you, but you were never there,” he recounts, “I remember running into you at the lake and I thought I was dreaming. Then in the hallway I saw you again, and I never imagined I’d get another chance to see you when I kept missing every opportunity just to get your number. I remember watching the door that first day of school, hoping you’d walk in and we’d be classmates, but I didn’t see you until you became my tutor. As I got to know you, I spent more time with you… Something changed, and I found myself head over heels for you, completely.”
My chest constricts, his words lingering heavily in the air between us. The party’s distant thumps and laughter fade into nothingness, leaving only Tyler and his confession. I feel naked, vulnerable, and really really caught off guard by his confession.
“Look, I know this is going to fuck up our… friendship, ’cause I said I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but I fell in love with you and I would love it if you’d let me in, sunshine. ”
I take a step back, my mind racing with a million thoughts. I try to respond, but the alcohol and the rush of emotions inside me render me speechless. It’s like time has been frozen, waiting for my reaction, for my words to form, but they don’t.
Tyler’s eyes search mine, seeking an answer, a sign, any hint of what’s going on in my head. But all I can manage is a weak, “I... I need to go.”
I stumble away from him, my thoughts are tangled, and I need to find space. The cool night air brushes against my skin, offering a momentary escape from the whirlwind of emotions raging within me.
I tune out Tyler calling out for me. I ignore Alli, Jared, and the multiple phone calls that I get when I get to the bus stop.
Out of sight, out of mind.