Chapter 36
Serena
Love. It’s a word that I hate saying, never quite knowing what romantic love looked or felt like. I basically avoided it at all costs.
Hearing I love you from Tyler wasn’t something I ever imagined, especially not in the middle of my drunk spiral. I thought taking things slow would prevent that.
I asked him if he meant it, not because I didn’t believe him. The sincerity in his eyes told me enough, but I asked because I needed to know for myself .
Maybe I’ve never given myself the chance to fall, to feel that rush, because every time I’ve inched towards the edge, I push myself back.
And Tyler... he’s there, waiting at the edge, ready to take that leap with me.
I want to understand love, feel it, not just hear the words. But what if I fall and find out I’ve been missing the parachute? What if I hurt him in the process? What if I can’t love him the way he deserves?
We both lost someone important to us. The only difference is that their absence pulls me back from committing whereas Tyler is ready to full send.
Maybe I should follow suit, take control of my fears. Sometimes, it’s about confronting the unknown head-on, daring to explore despite the doubts and risks.
Amidst my thoughts, a notification lights up my phone. My heart skips a beat.
Unknown number: Be there soon, sorry for the wait. - Catherine
For years, she’s been a ghost, a painful void I tried to fill with scenarios. And here comes an opportunity to confront the abandonment.
I’m sitting in the diner, drowning in a sea of thoughts, lost in the familiarity of its bustling ambiance. The noises are starting to become distant. I debate getting up and leaving. Meeting her after all these years might be too much, maybe I’ll never be ready. But I know I can’t push it any longer, I would have to navigate this uncharted territory whether I wanted to or not.
“Serena? ”
I lift my head up at the sound of my name. There she is. A mix of familiarity and a stranger’s aura, standing across from me, her eyes holding tales of distant journeys and untold secrets. It’s crazy how I can see myself in her, yet I feel worlds apart.
She takes a seat across from me in the pleather booth. The waitress stops by and takes her order for a cup of coffee. A couple of minutes pass by while a weird and slightly uncomfortable silence envelopes us.
“So…” Catherine says, wrapping her hand around her coffee mug. “How are you?”
I shrug. “I could be better.”
A flash of concern strikes her face. “Everything okay with school?”
“School’s fine.”
“Everything okay with your friends?”
“Everything’s fine with them.” I shift in my seat, starting to feel a wave of heat overcome me.
“What about–”
No bullshit . “No,” I cut her off, “you don’t get to do that.”
“Do what?”
My heart is racing against my chest. “You don’t get to act like a mother with me. ”
Catherine forces an unsteady smile. “Okay… what would you like to talk about?”
I twist the bracelet on my wrist, the bracelet Tyler gave to me. “I need to know why you left and why it fucks with my head years later.”
Catherine’s smile fades, replaced by a flicker of pain in her eyes. “Serena, I’ve wanted to explain–”
“But you never did!” my voice loudens, a mix of hurt and anger bubbling to the surface. “You walked out on our family. On your three year old daughter.”
Catherine’s hand reaches out hesitantly, a silent plea for understanding. I recoil.
“I didn’t handle things well. I made mistakes, terrible ones, and I’m so sorry. But I needed time, space–”
“To abandon me?” my voice cracks, tears threatening to spill. “I was a child, Mom. I needed you.”
Her eyes glisten. “We had you at a young age, I wasn’t ready. Your dad and I–”
“You and dad didn’t work out. But you never gave us a chance.” I gesture back and forth between us two. As she looks away, my grip tightens on the bracelet.
“I know I hurt you,” she breathes heavily. “But I love you and your father dearly,” her voice wavers with guilt. “I was just scared… I didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t just about him, it was about me too.”
“Right, about you, too,” I chuckle ironically, then lean forward on the table demandingly. “What about me? Was I not good enough to be your daughter?”
“It’s, uh… it’s not like that, I wasn’t ready to be a mother when I had you. Every day I regret leaving you, but I was broken. I couldn’t be the mother you needed.”
My eyes narrow, a mask of hurt and disappointment evident on my face. “This is why I was afraid. Of love, of getting close to someone. I couldn’t trust... anyone. You broke my trust before anyone else could.”
She puts her hands in prayer, holding her face and exhales. “Serena, I understand that, I do. But I’ve changed, I’m trying...”
“It’s not just about you, Mom. It’s about me. I’ve spent years building walls, trying not to get hurt. Love was always this scary, unknown thing. I didn’t want to end up abandoned again.”
She reaches out tentatively, her hand hovering in the air, wanting to comfort me. “I’m here now, Serena. I’m not going anywhere.”
I flinch away from her reach, the walls still standing tall. “No.”
“No? ”
“No. You lost the opportunity to be any ounce of a mother the day you left me.”
“Serena–”
“It’s my turn to talk now. God, I can’t believe I was so scared of love because of you! All this time I tried to conjure up why you left. Was it drugs? Money? But you left because you were scared? Scared? I was scared when I fell off my bike and had a nasty scar. I was scared when I got my first period. I was scared at my first cheer competition. I realize now that fear isn’t the same. You, leaving me, made me scared of love. It made me scared to let anyone close because I was terrified they’d leave too.”
“I know I can’t change the past, Serena. I wish I could go back and make it right.”
“Don’t,” my voice cracks so much pent-up emotions. I dig into my bag and shove a couple of dollars on the table. “We’re done.”
“Serena, wait please.” Catherine pleads, her voice raw with emotion.
“You had years to try! Years to reach out, to apologize, to show you care! You didn’t even try to reach out when dad died. You left me wondering, questioning if I was ever good enough to be your daughter. You have no idea what you’ve done to mess with my head, but I only came here to get the closure I needed. ”
The words hang heavy in the air between us. “Thank you for coming out to see me, but I think we should just leave it as it is right now. Bye, Catherine and please don’t abandon your daughter like you did me.”
Closing my eyes, I lean back against the bench, trying to sort through the mess my mind has become. Thoughts of Mom and the unresolved conversation buzz like an annoying mosquito in the background. The park usually feels like a place of peace, but today it’s just a battleground. I need some clarity, a direction to go, but right now, I’m just a mess of tangled thoughts and feelings, hoping for some kind of sign.
I bite into my croissant sandwich with so much anger and anxiety that I probably look like a madman to passersby.
“Serena?”
I turn my head at the sound of my name and immediate anxiety graces through my body. I turn my attention back to my sandwich. “What do you want, Cassie?”
“I was taking a walk around the park…” her voice carries a cautious tone. She glances at the empty seat on the bench, “Is it okay if we talk?”
My grip tightens around the croissant, crumbs scattering onto the grass as frustration bubbles within me. “Talk? The last time you said something to me, you were upset that I ‘took your spot as top girl’.”
A soft sigh escapes her lips. “I know I was rude before. I’m… sorry about that.”
I swallow the bite and raise a finger, “Don’t forget the incident on my first day at practice. That was such a great homecoming.” I glance up, eyeing her cautiously. Her expression seems genuinely different from the hostility I knew from her.
She takes a seat next to me, leaving a gap between us. “I’ve been wanting to clear the air about a few things. I know you think I’m the one behind spreading your past around, but I promise you, it wasn’t me. I would never do that to anyone.”
I scoff. If not her, then who would do something that spiteful?
I remain silent, so does Cassie. Then it hits me all of a sudden, a typical ah-ha moment.
“Emilie Belmont?” I say softly.
Cassie avoids my gaze and looks straight forward. “She’s my older cousin. I was so mad at myself for not nailing those stunts at practice, I was ranting to her about it. I guess she took matters into her own hands when she met you at Beckham’s house. I’m sorry about that… I didn’t know she would do something like that. Had I known what she was planning, I would’ve stopped her. I’m not like Emilie, I mean, yes, I was a bitch to you at pr actice all the time, but I would never bully you the way she does.” She explains without admitting seconds for breaths and turns to me.
I don’t say anything, I continue to look straight ahead, soaking in her words.
The park seems quieter now, the rustling leaves providing a subtle soundtrack to our conversation.
“I get it if you don’t believe me,” she murmurs, her voice tinged with regret. “I’ve given you every reason to think I’m just like her.”
I don’t reply.
“I judged you too quickly, and I regret it. I don’t expect you to forgive me right away or to bring me into your friend group. I’ve been in your shoes, Serena. Feeling misunderstood, the need to be perfect. Being compared to Emilie half my life didn’t really help with my self-esteem.”
And something clicks in me. I feel her words tug at my chest, and I furrow my brows for a moment. “It’s okay, I guess,” I start, and let out a heavy breath. “I get it. The need to be perfect. It eats away at you.”
Cassie glances up, surprise flickering in her eyes as if she hadn’t expected me to relate. Perhaps in our rivalry, we’d overlooked the possibility of common ground. “Yeah…I know th ings have been complicated with everything going on lately, especially with... Tyler.”
“What about him?” I ask, trying to keep my tone neutral.
Cassie fidgets with the edge of her jacket, her eyes avoiding mine for a moment. “You care about him a lot, don’t you?”
Her observation pauses me. I gulp. I hadn’t brought it up even with anyone in my closest circle lately. I’d been avoiding everyone, but, for some reason, this feels… okay ?
“Yeah, I do,” I admit, feeling a mix of vulnerability and relief. “It’s just really complicated right now… well, I’m complicated.”
Cassie nods slowly, “Don’t be. He’s a good guy. You’re lucky to have someone like him. I’ve seen you together, and it’s more than what others think.”
The sincerity in her tone catches me off guard again. For the first time, I sense a genuine understanding in her words.
“I’m not trying to be in your business,” she adds quickly. “It’s just, what you have with Tyler is really authentic. I don’t know what’s going on in your life,” she says, eyeing me down, “but don’t let it hold you back from what you two have.”
I look at her in the eyes, and her shy and unsure grin lets me know she’s being genuine. I smile back .
“It’s okay,” I say softly, a new sense of understanding blossoming between us. “It all is, really. Thanks for that. I appreciate it.”
She stands up and dusts her jacket off.
“Oh,” I say, “and I’m sorry about flicking you off.”
She chuckles. “I deserved it.” She offers a small, tentative smile. “I’ll leave you to it, then. Take care, Serena.”
I’m left with my own thoughts once Cassie walks away.
I always thought what I had with Tyler was a crush. I thought it would just fade away like the other meaningless crushes I’ve had. But he feels like home.
Crystal clear, Serena, you’re in deep for him. Just admit it .
It would be a big leap, and maybe, just maybe, a big leap is exactly what I need in my life.