Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
Cece timed her walk so the sun was sinking by the time her feet hit the sand.
The beach had thinned out, the way it always did at that hour. Those who wanted the sun had already gone in, their tans refreshed.
A few couples walked along the waterline, shoes in their hands.
An older man farther down sat in a low chair, fishing pole stuck in the sand, radio playing softly.
The air was just a touch cooler now, the breeze gentler, carrying the familiar smell of salt and occasionally, the scent of someone’s coconut suntan lotion.
She walked until her calves started to complain, then slowed and stopped near a stretch of empty shoreline. Without a second thought, she kicked her flipflops off and sat down, tucking her knees up and sinking her toes into the sand.
The sky shifted colors while she watched. Muted blue was streaked with pink. The pink deepened to orange. The colors were brilliant and beautiful. Funny to think it happened every night, whether anyone paid attention or not.
Tonight, she was paying attention.
Her thoughts circled back, annoyingly, to the test results and the call that had yet to come. The words the doctor hadn’t said but might. She’d gone into that checkup appointment excited, proud of herself, pleased by the changes she’d made. A few words, an appraising look, and the mood had shifted.
Now everything felt suspended. Her focus had gone from getting healthy to wondering if she’d see next year.
Obviously, that was a worst-case scenario situation. But she couldn’t help it. She’d been through cancer once before. She knew too much.
She also knew she didn’t have to be out here alone. One call would drag someone away from their planned evening. One text would create a chain filled with concern.
Blaise would come if she could, but she was at the hospital with Brick, waiting on news about his son. Maude had Robbie to deal with. Although maybe she’d be happy for an excuse to get out of the house, unless she was out with Ollie.
Essie and Frank were still in the middle of Sophie’s mess. Essie didn’t need to be holding Cece’s hand right now. Paige was probably doing something with Graham, and Cece didn’t want to be the thing that interrupted them.
And, of course, there was Joe, but she wasn’t the only person in his life. Everyone had something or someone already.
Cece smoothed her hand through the sand beside her, watching the grains slide back into place. She didn’t feel abandoned. She just didn’t want to be the one to interfere with whatever else her friends had going on.
Her phone buzzed in her pocket. The sound wasn’t a call, just some notification she ignored. Her fingers wrapped around the device all the same.
Joe wouldn’t care what else he had going on. She knew that. Joe had made that clear. If she called, he’d pick up. He always did. He’d talk her through this mood, make her laugh, pull her back to earth when her thoughts started racing too far ahead.
But she hesitated.
She didn’t want to lean too hard on him. To feel like an obligation to him. She liked what they had going on. It felt unforced in a very mutual way. She didn’t want to test the weight of this relationship too soon.
Not when he was already doing so much for her. He was going above and beyond for Natalie. He was working on music for Cece. He was doing a lot.
The sun dipped lower toward the horizon.
Cece drew a slow breath and let it out, watching the waves move in and out with a steady rhythm. The Gulf was in no rush. It didn’t worry about what came next. It simply kept going.
That was what she wanted.
Not answers. They would come soon enough. She just craved the ability to sit with the questions without letting them swallow her whole.
That was the part she was the most worried about. The moment when thinking turned into spiraling. When she’d start building worst-case futures out of half-information and fear. She was already doing it.
With a deep sigh, she pressed her palms into the sand, cooler now with the fading heat of the day, and stared out at the water, willing herself to stay where she was.
“Cece?”
The voice came from behind her, close enough that it startled her.
She turned.
Joe stood a few feet away, barefoot in shorts and a T-shirt. He looked at her with mild concern, his smile fading.
“Hey,” he said. “I went by your place, but you weren’t home. Then I texted you. I figured maybe you hadn’t seen it. Then I wondered if I might find you out here.”
She glanced down at her phone, still tucked in her pocket. “I didn’t see the text,” she said. Not a lie, even if she had heard the text come in. “I guess I’ve been a little preoccupied. Sorry.”
“Don’t be.” He nodded toward the sand. “Mind if I join you?”
She shook her head. “You don’t have to ask.” But it was sweet that he had. That’s just who Joe was. The kind of person who was always mindful of others.
Joe sat beside her, knees bent, one arm resting loosely across them. They watched the darkening water together for a moment, the sound of the waves and one random seagull their only soundtrack.
A few people went by and the sun sank into the water.
“You okay?” he asked, quietly.
Cece let out a breath, his simple question raising a storm of emotions within her. “Not especially.”
He nodded like that made perfect sense. “Want to talk about it?”
“I don’t know. Not really, I guess,” she admitted. “I’m not even sure what I’d say that hasn’t already been said.”
“That’s fine,” he said. “We can just sit. If you want.”
“Yeah,” she whispered. “I don’t really want to be alone.” And that was the truth of it. She felt very much alone, even in the midst of her new friends. But that was her fault and she knew it.
“You don’t ever have to be alone. Ever.” He put his arm around her and kissed her temple. “I am only as far away as your phone.”
She glanced at him, something tightening and easing at the same time. Could he really be this good? She told him the truth, because he deserved it. “I didn’t want to bother you.”
Joe turned his head fully to look her in her eyes, expression gentle but firm. “You don’t bother me. And you will never be a bother.”
She looked back at the water, trying not to melt down from that much kindness “I worry about…about leaning on you too much. You’re already helping Natalie. I just didn’t want you to…”
She shook her head, unable to say more without her voice cracking.
“Cece,” he said, drawing her in closer. “Being there for each other isn’t some kind of transaction. There’s no emotional balance sheet, not with us. I don’t know what your past relationships were like, but that’s not how I work.”
She swallowed. “Still.” Why was she arguing with him? She’d never win. Arguing had been his job.
“Listen and believe what I’m telling you. I’m here because I want to be,” he said. “Tonight, tomorrow, whenever. Anytime.”
He nudged her knee lightly with his own. “You don’t have to carry everything by yourself.”
The sky lit up in vibrant shades, colors that defied description and made the heavens seem like they were full of fire. Cece felt the tight grip of fear inside her loosen just a little.
Joe was quiet for a moment, then he said, “You know, your friends would drop whatever they’re doing if you called them. They really would. After meeting those women, I can just tell. They’re ride or die, as the kids would say.”
Cece shook her head slightly. “They all have so much going on.”
“So do you,” Joe said. “That’s how life works.
Everyone’s always busy with something.” He shifted in the sand, so he was turned more toward her.
“Blaise understands all about waiting, even if what she’s waiting on is different from what you are.
Maude doesn’t stop caring because her brother’s struggling.
Essie doesn’t suddenly run out of room in her heart because Sophie’s taking over her life.
And Paige—” He smiled. “You think I’m bossy?
Paige would probably show up with a bottle of wine and insist you talk. ”
Cece let out a small, surprised laugh. “Speaking of Blaise…” She filled him in on Brick’s son.
“If there’s anything I can do, just let me know.”
“I will.”
Joe bumped her knee again, gentler this time.
“Your friendships might be new, but they aren’t conditional.
You just proved that. Those women are good people.
They’re built for moments like this. Reaching out isn’t an interruption to them.
It’s the point. It’s why Paige created that group, you told me that yourself. ”
She stared out at the water, letting that sink in. She’d spent so much time managing herself, trying not to be a burden, that she’d forgotten how mutual care actually worked. She’d turned inward and gotten lost.
Thank God Joe had reminded her.
“I guess I forget that,” she said quietly.
He nodded. “We all do sometimes. It’s human nature. We have to fight against that instinct to retreat into our own problems.”
She rested her hands in her lap and leaned her shoulder against his, just barely.
“Nod your head if you understand me.”
She laughed softly. “I do,” she said, nodding as a tiny bit of joy came back into her life.
Joe smiled, the corner of his mouth lifting. “Good.” He kissed her temple again and she leaned into him just a little more.
They sat that way as the light faded completely, the waves steady and unchanging as ever, and finally, Cece felt like she could breathe again.