Chapter 37
Lesson 36: Always carry a Biscoff.
Reading List: Outlander by Diana Gabaldon (read, multiple times)
Bridget Jones Tally:
dogs—1
rabbits—1
grass stains—3
Things I’ve Learned So Far in the UK:
British food isn’t bad; it’s quite tasty, in fact, but it has lots of gravy.
British teeth are bad.
“Juice” is basically any cold nonalcoholic drink in Scotland. So Coke is a juice, despite not having ever been squeezed from
a fruit or vegetable.
People use the “c-word” a lot over here, even sweet old ladies. Breasts are most often referred to as tits without shame or equivocation.
Everything can be a pie, and pies aren’t sweet.
Any dessert is called a pudding even if it’s nothing like a pudding.
Separate taps are standard, and seek to infuriate me at every turn.
There is a lot less water in the toilets here, which is both a good thing and a bad thing.
They typically put average-looking people on TV, which seems healthier than American television but is also less fun to watch.
People in Scotland always seem pleased if you ask to pet their dog, whereas people in England sometimes make a face not dissimilar
to the face that they might make if you requested to cup their bottom.
Accents are still sexy. This novelty does not seem to degrade with time.
We scooped down, stopping at Loch Ness, and slept in Inverness, a beautiful little city on a river, but also the city where
Claire Fraser goes for her honeymoon and later disappears through the standing stones. The following day we began our journey
south.
“Now, I know that some of you are fans of the Outlander books or telly series, or both.” Robbie laughed as the ladies hooted, like topless Jamie had just walked on to the bus. “Well,
you’re not the only ones. Tourism has doubled in Scotland since the series was released. I was very reluctant to start watching
myself, and now... well, I have to confess to having watched every single episode and season one twice.”
Doris chimed in. “Oh, I could happily watch that Jamie open a tin of sardines. No plot required.”
“Or fixing that watermill on a loop for three hours,” Helena said.
“So what do you ladies say if we take an early picnic to some nearby standing stones? We’ll see if any rugged Jacobites emerge
to carry us away to another century.”
This was a popular option. As he drove us away from Inverness and into the farmland not far from the city, he gave us a brief talk on eighteenth-century Scotland and the Jacobite rising, and then prompted us with reading group questions while we animatedly spouted our opinions on both the books and the television series.
Everything was green with farmland and wooded patches, and we were greeted by two low stone circles that stood in a quiet
wood owned by the farm. It looked as if they had sat here quietly century after century, happy not to be often bothered by
visitors.
The sun was shining and the birds singing, and we sat on the stones and ate some tasty sandwiches from the nearby farm shop.
Lorna looked to be a little extra cautious with the stones and decided to sit on the grass instead, which I found strange
and cute. Agatha had complained of being tired and decided to take a little nap on the bus, so the rest of us just leaned
back on the warm stones and enjoyed the sounds of nature. It was all very peaceful.
Or at least it started out peacefully. Before all hell broke loose.
Hell, in this case, was conjured by Percy. Percy and a rabbit, to be exact. He wasn’t on the leash, of course, because for
some curious reason, Doris thought he could be trusted. Initially, his explorations extended only to peeing on historically
and spiritually significant stones, begging for sandwich scraps, and attempting to steal Madge’s bag of crisps. But when a
young rabbit made the mistake of quietly nibbling the grass nearby, Percy moved with a speed I didn’t know he possessed. They
were both off like lightning to the sounds of Doris’s cries.
“Oh, Robbie. Could you, dear? I’m sorry, but I’m no match for him with these knees of mine.”
“Of course, love,” he said, already up.
“Typical male.” Flossie smiled, leaning back to sun her face. “Always chasing a bit of tail.”
“Alice, why don’t you go along with Robbie, lovely?” Doris asked me. “Percy can be a tricky bugger. I’m sure Robbie could use an extra hand or two.”
“Yes, of course!” I was eager to help, but then Doris gave me a little wink that made me feel like the statement was far more
salacious than I had given her credit for.
“And once you’ve found him, take him for a little walk, would you? Burn off some of that energy.”
We set off at a jog. There was farmland and woods as far as the eye could see, and if Percy had enough of a head start, he
could get properly lost and cause us some real trouble. We called and called after him, but the scruffy little terrier wasn’t
often the obedient type, despite what his vest said.
“We don’t even know which way he went at this point.”
“I know. But that rabbit is faster than Percy, and she’ll have outsmarted him long ago and gone down a hole somewhere. He
should have slowed down by now, I would think, and will just be exploring at his own pace.”
Robbie was right, luckily. It wasn’t long before we spied Percy down the gentle slope of a hill. We ran down to him, and he
promptly took off. He knew we were there to catch him and wasn’t ready to give up his newfound freedom. We ran after him into
the heather, trying not to get tripped up on the stones and roots as we went.
“Hey! You be careful with that ankle there, Alice Cooper. I’ll not have you breaking it this time. No running, right?” Robbie
pinned me in a serious gaze from several feet away that stopped me in my tracks, mostly because I loved it when he was serious.
“It looks like you need all the help you can get.”
“Alice.”
“And anyway, if I broke my ankle, you might need to pick me up and carry me to safety.” He smirked sideways at me. “Last time wasn’t half bad, I seem to remember.”
“Oh, it wasn’t, was it? You cheeky wee devil. Just you let me deal with one troublemaker at a time, will you? I’ll catch Percy,
and then I’ll be back to deal with you.”
The way he said it made my hair curl. I could die happily here in the heather after being smoldered to death.
The fact that Percy was a bit of a lazy dog worked to our advantage. There were plenty of things to stop and smell, and that
gave us time to catch up. But just as Robbie was closing in on him, he dodged out of Robbie’s grasp and ran off again. We
both called out to him some more, Robbie adding some choice words, but none of it helped.
“Right. I’m going to loop around this way and head him off if I can. You just keep walking steadily that way, and we’ll see
if we can nab the silly bugger.”
Robbie circled around him, and I advanced from behind, calling his name in my friendliest “good boy” voice. We got close and
locked eyes on each other. Percy was in the middle snacking on a little pile of rabbit droppings as we closed in on him.
“There’s a good boy, Percy. Let’s go home and see your Doris, shall we? You see. There’s nowhere for you to go.”
But of course there was. Sideways. Percy knew that, and off he trotted.
“Ah! Bugger me!” Robbie laughed, frustrated, and then came in for a quick kiss before running off after the dog.
“Sure,” I called after him. “We can try that next.”
“Wait. Have you got any food on you?” he called back.
“I don’t think so. Let me check.” I dug around in my new jacket’s various pockets. There was the distinctive rattle of a plastic
wrapper. Percy’s ears perked up. It was an extra Biscoff that I’d been given at a café the day before.
“Good boy, Percy. Who wants a treat?”
His tail wagged. Game over.
We walked slowly through a lovely shady area, near a little burn where the stream made a comforting sound.
“I reckon we ought to respect Doris’s wishes and have a little stroll before we head back. What do you say?” With Percy’s
leash in one hand, Robbie laced the fingers of the other with mine, and warmth blossomed in my chest.
This new thing, whatever it was, was only a few days old, and I felt like a schoolgirl, with the blushing and the butterflies
and the not being able to think of anything else but him. His hand was warm and wide and slightly callused from instrument
strings and heavy suitcases, and when my hand was in his, I felt like somehow everything in the world was just as it should
be.
I smiled. “Well, she did ask us nicely.”
He stepped in front of me and put a tight arm around my waist, pressing my body in close, leaving just a breath between our
lips.
“It’s nice to have you all to myself.” His voice was low and provocative. Being this close to him made my whole body tingle
with recent muscle memory. I looked up at him, but couldn’t think of any sassy reply as he slid his hand behind my head and
brought me that last inch closer for a long, slow kiss.
By the time he let me go, I had to take a few deep breaths to steady myself. At least I tried to behave, but was surprised
to find myself lowering down to the grass and pulling him down with me. He laughed. It was a throaty, gruff thing that made
me lose control.
Percy had long since collapsed into the grass, as if he had just run the length of Britain, and gone to sleep. Robbie tied
his leash nice and tight against a nearby tree.
I grabbed his shirt, pulled him down on top of me, and kissed him ferociously.
“Should we get back?” I asked, out of breath. “The ladies might be waiting.”
“It hasn’t been long, and we don’t have a busy day planned. Agatha is napping, and Berrta is off with her binoculars. They’ll
all be relaxing in the sun. Don’t worry.”
I kissed him hard. “Are you sure? Maybe we should get back,” my voice said, while my body screamed at me to shut the hell
up.
“We’re fine. And it doesn’t seem like you’re quite ready to leave,” he said, running his hand over my sweater, making my back
arch to meet it. “I think I could get used to your mixed signals.”
“Alright, but just ten minutes.” I pointed at him. “And only over the clothes stuff. Agreed?”
“I can live with that.” He kissed me again with a smile on his lips.
“Good. Because I’m not sure I can. And I’m going to need you to keep me in line.”