Chapter Twenty-Six
I laugh but it sounds bitter.
“What are you doing here?”
Mum pauses rummaging through the freezer, probably looking for something to feed us. She gives me a wide-eyed look. “Fliss, don’t be so rude.”
“Mum.” I give her a stern glance, hoping she’ll get the hint.
Thankfully, she does. “Right. I’ll leave you two to it…” she says, practically skipping towards the kitchen door, then pauses in her step to click the kettle on. “There, you’ll probably want a tea after that walk.”
And with that, she closes the door behind her, trapping me with James. Oh hell. My heart is somehow leaping up to my throat.
“How do you know where my mum lives?”
James gives me a look. “We work, worked , for The Starr Agency. They save all our personal details in the shared file.”
“Do they?”
He nods. “Yeah. We could sue them for that too.”
“So, you are suing, are you?” I say sarcastically, then shake my head. I don’t actually care about that. Before he can answer, I ask, “Why are you here?”
“We need to talk. Please.”
“You can’t just come round uninvited.”
“I tried to call you. I texted. You weren’t responding.” He shrugs. “You didn’t give me another option.”
I sigh. “Clearly I didn’t want to talk to you.”
“Man, ok…” he says, blowing out a breath. He gets up from his chair. Why does he seem so much bigger in my mum’s tiny kitchen? I have this forbidden urge to rush over to him in his shirt and work trousers, clearly having come here straight from the office, and hold him again. I miss his heat. I miss the feel of his rigid stomach and chest against my body. I miss his scent. “If that’s really how you feel then I’ll just leave. But you should know that I quit this morning, too. I’ll be filing a case against Michael as well.”
“Wait,” I say as he’s shrugging into his jacket. Then I close my eyes, biting my lip. “No. Yeah, you should go.”
James takes a deep breath. When I look at his face again it’s torn as if he’s in physical pain being this close to me. “Felicity,” he says softly, his eyes flitting from my eyes to the floor as if he can’t decide where to look. Is he nervous? “Did I do something to hurt you?”
I can’t help it; the truth of the last few days has been sitting heavy on a branch in my mind and now it snaps.
“You knew the whole time, didn’t you? You knew you were getting the director position. And I was your final hurdle, right?”
James’ eyes widen. He presses his lips into a firm line as he dips his chin in a nod. “Yeah, I knew. And yeah, I chose not to tell you.”
“Why?!”
“We were abandoned in Scotland. I didn’t think it would help either of us by telling you. I knew you had your heart set on the director role. Hell, you’ve always worn your heart on your sleeve. And I honestly wasn’t even sure if I was that interested. I told Michael I was on the fence about it, but he forged on regardless. But that was before Scotland. Before everything that happened, I swear. I don’t know what he was playing at yesterday, but he ambushed me. I didn’t know what to do in the moment. You weren’t exactly talking to me. We didn’t have a plan.”
I close my eyes, praying the prickling sensation behind my eyes will fade. Why am I crying again? I swore I wouldn’t do this in front of this man. He moves closer, his footsteps clicking on the tiled floor. He’s wearing work shoes; I can tell by the sound. His breathing is calm. I wish mine was. I sense it getting more rapid by the second.
Gloatman is here. In my mum’s kitchen.
“Please, believe me,” he says, his voice closer now, desperate. “Felicity. I quit. As soon as I found out you had, I realised there was nothing keeping me there.”
“You… We… Things happened between us. You can’t just skip past that. You kept things from me and still let it happen.”
He sighs, rubbing his face in his hands.
“I promise it wasn’t like that. I didn’t do that to play into Michael’s game. I would never betray you like that.”
“What about the money? Don’t you want the director’s pay?” I ask, and I inhale sharply when I realise how shuddery my voice sounds.
I feel a finger push some of my windswept hair back behind my ear. It’s hot and soft and gentle.
“Last week you helped me see that money is something toxic I’ve been chasing. It’s a vice. I used to snap someone’s hand off for a shift, a paper round or any opportunity to bring in some cash. It’s as if it’s become a part of me. I can’t guarantee I won’t still do that, but I need to find value in other things.
“I shouldn’t’ve even gone to Scotland. I missed meeting my nephew the day he was born. I missed a really crucial thing that had so much more value than money. I sort of knew that then, but now when I think about it, it physically pains me.”
I open my eyes; a treacherous tear runs down my cheek. I swipe it away. James is watching me closely, and staring back at him, I realise we maybe know each other better than we thought we did. I believe he never set out to hurt me. I believe that as things between us shifted rapidly he probably didn’t know how to tell me but that doesn’t make it right.
There’s still a part of me who doubts us.
“But it won’t work,” I say quietly.
He nods. “I know you think that.”
“You don’t?”
He laughs gently. “Well, I don’t think about things as practically as you do. I just do the things I fancy and let the consequences unfold. I think that’s why you find me so infuriating, isn’t it? All my unplanned, random ideas?”
“Like coming here?” I practically squeak at this point.
James shakes his head. “No. I planned this, at least since this morning, so it doesn’t count. I asked Michael if he knew where you’d gone. You said you left in your message, but I thought you were being facetious. As in you’d just left the building and it was none of my business. But then he said you’d quit, and I laughed. And I couldn’t stop smiling. My god, she’s left , I kept thinking. She’s free of this bullshit . Then I had a problem. I realised in that moment that annoying you was the only thing I got out of that job – except the money, that is.”
I laugh as more lazy tears betray me. “You’re such a dick.”
“You still want me to go?” He pauses for a moment. “I’m so sorry I hurt you. Please know I never intended to. I’d never consciously do anything to hurt you.”
I can’t look at him. I find myself staring at his shoes. “I don’t think it’s worth getting into a legal battle with Michael. I just want to put it behind me.”
“All of it?” James asks, his voice husky.
Is he asking if I want to put the moments of us behind me too? I push my thumb and forefinger onto my closed eyelids to hide my face from him. Is that what I want?
“I’m not going back to London,” I say out of nowhere. It’s even a surprise to me. I’d been wondering if going back was the right thing. The discussion with Mum yesterday about being lonely there was true. It didn’t suit my personality. I wasn’t the type to go out to bars all the time and it was slowly feeling like that was the only way to have friends in the city. And my damp room was not the place to be spending my only free time.
No, my London life might just be over.
“Ok…” James says. “So, what are you saying?”
“I’m saying we are never going to work, are we? Not really? If that’s what you mean? And so, yeah, you should probably leave.”
James’ breath hitches. It’s as if I’ve hurt him somehow which is madness. He’s James Boatman. He’ll find someone better than me in seconds. There’s no way he’s grieving me. I can’t even allow myself to accept it.
“I’ll just go then,” he says, hurt lacing his words. I still can’t look at him. “Mostly I came to say that my friend is an employment solicitor, and when I told him what happened, he said we could take Michael for his worth. So, if you fancied coming on board, we’ve got a better fight together than separately.” He exhales slowly. Without touching me again, he moves towards the door. “If you happen to have that note he left us… er, me… with the bags that would be helpful.”
I know where it is. It’s in my room in London, tucked into my underwear drawer. I don’t say that though. Instead, I open my mouth, spilling the words before they can be screened by my brain. “Are you just doing it for the money?”
I turn to catch his face at the door. He squints at me as if he’s seeing a different person. Then he laughs, sharply, as if someone has tickled him with a knife. “Yeah. I’ve got a problem, clearly. It wasn’t because for once I wanted to be on the same team with you against Michael.”
And then he’s gone, slamming the front door as he goes. I breathe out in one long stream, feeling the tension escape my body.
Mum rushes down the stairs, with a face that says she heard every word.
“What are you doing!? Go after him!”
“I can’t. We’re not right for each other. We’ll just fight, Mum. Even in Scotland, it was just bickering the whole time.”
“Bickering that turned to kissing?” she says like I’m stupid. “More than kissing?”
I look away, my cheeks on fire.
“Go after him. He likes you, Flissity. He’s admitted he wants to be on your team. Honestly! What does he have to do to get your interest?”
“He doesn’t even know what his life plan is! He doesn’t know what he wants or what he’s doing. All he cares about is money. I can’t be with someone like that.”
Mum puts her hands on her hips. “I don’t think that’s true. Do you like him?”
“Yes,” I say frantically as if that’s the stupidest thing she could say. “But I can’t see myself with him.” Mum doesn’t say anything, waiting for my words to sink into my brain. The realisation is slow, burning. I blink at the ceiling, letting the tears soak my ears. “He’s James flipping Gloatman. He’s the worst person I know.”
Still, she says nothing, just tilting her head.
“I can’t sue Michael. I can’t burn bridges like that. What if…” The realisation hits me like a brick. “Oh god. I’ve got to sue Michael.” My breathing hastens, my heart rate quickening. “I’ve got to sue Michael.”
“You both do,” she says quietly.
I square my shoulders, pat my cheeks dry again with my sleeves.
“And I have to give things with James a go, don’t I?”
“No,” Mum says. “You don’t have to at all.”
I laugh. “I know,” I say. “But I think I want to.”
She laughs too, stepping closer to wrap her arms around me.
“Don’t let your silly parents be the reason you don’t settle down with someone who isn’t quite your image of perfect.”
“What do you mean?”
“I know you think we screwed up and did it all wrong. But, Fliss, I don’t regret any of it. I’d do it all again exactly the same way to have you. And your dad wasn’t the worst thing to ever happen to me. It was as the years went on, we realised we were never truly meant for each other. There was never a spark. Nothing like you and this James boy. If you keep pushing people away who don’t meet your list of requirements because… What did you say was wrong with this one?”
“He’s too confident. He’s only motivated by money… although, he has a good reason for that. But he’s really annoying. Never sticks to plans. He comes up with these mad ideas without thinking them through and it makes my blood boil.”
Mum sniffs a laugh. “But you enjoy being with him?”
I think about how much I laughed in Scotland, despite the way we almost died. How he kept me safe and warm. How even in the worst moments he would find something funny to turn my mood around. How I felt safe enough, even when I wasn’t sure, to share serious discussions with him. It’s early days. Despite having worked with him for six years, we’re only just getting to know one another.
“Shit, I have to go after him,” I say, letting go of Mum and sprinting towards the door.