Chapter 7
Why is he not saying anything?
"No," he says after some hesitation.
"Why did you hesitate?"
"Sorry. I didn't process what you were—"
“Link, why did you… okay. You need to be straight with me, because right now… I’m not feeling so good about where we are."
"Gabby, my—I…" He's stuttering so much. He bows his head and looks somewhere else and then looks at me. "I'm under a lot of stress right—"
"No. That's not the point. So am I."
"So are you?! You get to work from home! You don't have to do any commuting. A huge portion of my salary is what's keeping us living like this."
"I never asked for all of that, Lincoln."
"You didn't have to! I promised your father I would take care of you. I paid off your debts. I paid off my debts. I paid off your father's debts. I paid off this house with the skin of my teeth just last month."
"We did?"
"Yes. Mortgage is paid off. We own the home, and we're trying to get into real estate like you said.
I'm looking into the investments. I'm doing all of this so we can be okay because shit is happening in the economy, and I wanna make sure that we're good.
So I'm sorry. Yes. I'm stressed," Lincoln explains.
"Oh, I understand all of that, and I appreciate all of that, Link, but communication…" I say.
Taking a breath, I shiver. Lincoln stares.
"Look. To be honest with you, Gabby, there's gonna be times when I can't always touch base with you. It is what it is, and I'm sorry that I made you feel as though that was achievable. But with the kind of job that I'm doing, it's almost impossible," Lincoln continues.
"It's impossible for you to keep…"
My voice trembles as I trail off, putting the back of my hand up against my lips to control my breathing.
"Let me get this straight," I say, clasping my hands together.
"You're saying that the job, as it stands right now, is making it impossible for you to tell me that you're gonna be home late."
"I do tell you that, but sometimes it doesn't go through, and I'm gonna have to leave the building every time I wanna tell you that I'm gonna be home late."
"Baby, it's almost three—"
"I know you said that. It is what it is. I'm so sorry. I don't know what else to tell you."
"Look, you're getting really defensive and angry."
"Because I'm stressed out!" he yells, causing me to flinch.
"I know you're stressed out, and I'm sorry. I'm not gonna pretend to know all the ins and outs of your job. But, baby, we're married, and I would hope that if I had a job outside, that you would want to know that I'm okay, that I'm here, that I'm still in this relationship with you."
"I come home to you every night, Gabby. I come home to you every fucking night."
"W—Link…"
"And you know that I love you. I try to give you all my attention."
"Baby, you've been so freaking distant. I hardly get to see you except for on the weekends, and you're sleeping most times. Or on the phone."
"This isn't gonna be forever, and I told you before I took this job that it's going to be very demanding."
"I get that, but you—"
Scoffing, I turn away from him. I don't know what to say in this moment.
"I…"
My voice trails off.
"Talk to me."
"I'm trying to, but it feels like every time I do talk to you, you want to fight me or something. You're super defensive all because I asked you if you were cheating."
"And I answered you and told you I'm not cheating."
"Really, so what were you doing so late at work?"
"I was working."
He answers back too quickly. His face looks red. His face looks stoic. It's like it's a different person talking to me, almost like a client and not the warm man that I grew to love and know.
"So you're not hanging out with anybody else at work?"
"I don't hang out with people at work. I work alongside people."
"Is one of them Sarah?"
There's hesitation, and I see him, yes, right there, that look in his eyes like he's annoyed.
"I work with Sarah. Yes. I do. But she's not the only person I work with."
"Was she there with you tonight?"
"Yes. She was. So was Tom."
"Then who drove you home."
"Tom did. Are we done with the fucking investigation?" his voice rises.
"I don't like how snippy you're being with me right now."
"It's either you trust me or you don't. If you don't trust me, then just divorce me."
He walks off.
Okay. What the fuck?
Wow.
That is something I never expected to hear from my husband.
"Is that what you want?" I call out to his back.
"No. Of course, it's not what I want, Gabrielle.
But it feels like we're going down that road.
And like you said, I don't wanna waste your time.
So if this is gonna become a thing where every day I come home, I have to fucking explain myself why I'm working so hard, then obviously I can't give you what you want. "
"Oh my god. You are overreacting—"
"AM I?"
"Yes. What the fuck is wrong with you, Link?
" I yell out, trying to control my emotions.
I need to breathe. I need to be calm because if I get as emotional as he's getting right now, he's gonna call me crazy.
He's never done that, but that's what guys do.
And I never expected Lincoln would be one of those people.
Shaking my head, I yell back at him.
"If it were me in your shoes right now and I didn't come home till three o'clock in the motherfucking morning, and then I gave you the same attitude you're giving me, you're telling me you wouldn't have a problem with it?" I challenge him.
"Of course, it would bother me, but I would try to be understanding because of your position, especially if you were the one bringing in most of the money into the house and having been the one paid off all the debts."
"Baby, I appreciate everything that you've done, but are you telling me that just because you took on a lot of the financial burden, then that excuses you treating me any which way you wanna treat me?"
"How am I treating you, Gabby?"
"I already told you. Oh my god. What are we actually talking about?"
"I don't know. What are we talking about?" he fires back.
"I feel like you came home just now to specifically pick a fight with me because something else is going on that you're not telling me, and you wanna be on the high road and take the heat off of—"
"I'm not doing anything. All I do is work. All I fucking do is work. I literally have no time for pleasure, but that's something you wouldn't understand. You get to stay home and have the option to work if you want to."
My voice comes out shaky. I'm angry.
"Lincoln, come here."
I walk toward him. He just stands there with his hands on his hips, breathing like a bull, looking away from me. Now that I'm close to him, I can see that there are tears in his eyes… angry tears.
"Baby, please tell me what's going on. I don't wanna fight you, and I don't wanna stress you out as soon as you come home.
But I was worried, and you were already on your way home.
So you could have told me that you were on your way home.
I just wanna know what the hell is going on.
If this job is making you feel like this, then maybe you should stop since you paid off all the debts like you said. "
Looking at him, I search his face. There's nothing. He breathes in through his nose, in and out.
"I'm tired."
That's all he says. He doesn't lend any more information, but I don't want him to just leave like this.
"I know you're tired, but we need to talk about this. I don't want us going to bed angry, and I feel like you're pulling away from me. So that's why I'm asking you what's going on. Do you not wanna be with me anymore?"
"Of course, I still wanna be with you, Gabby."
"You're saying that, like, it's supposed to be obvious, but it's not obvious to me."
My voice trembles as I begin crying. Lincoln rolls his eyes and then closes them.
"I'm not trying to upset you. I really am just stressed out."
"Why can't you take another job?"
"Because I like my job."
"Really? You like your job or the people at your job?"
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" he snaps at me again.
"Because you're the kind of person that would never put yourself through this mental turmoil unless it's for someone that you care about. You told me a long time ago that you're not a slave to any man, and you told me that what's important is chasing your dreams."
"Chasing dreams doesn't pay the bills."
"Baby, you already paid the bill."
"I still need money to put into the investments in real estate so we can be okay," Lincoln tells me.
"You say that we can be okay. You're doing this for me and blah blah blah. But if I don't have you at the end, what the hell is the point? If I tell you right now, babe, I don't care about that stuff. I don't care about investments. I don't care about retirement. I just wanna be with you."
"And how do you think we're gonna live with each other if we don't have those things in place? Things are getting more expensive."
"Oh my god. Then let's move, Link. We don't have to stay here near the city."
"All the opportunities are here. Things that I'm good at are here. Unless you want me to spend three hours commuting back and forth, one way, each way."
"No."
"Well, tell me, Gabrielle, because you can't have your cake and eat it.
This is what growing up is like. When I told you those things, we were both very young.
And now rude awakening, this is what life is actually like.
You're free to go out there and get a grueling job to make up for some of it, but I know how stressed out that makes you. I'm trying to save you from all of—"
"But I don't…"
Pausing, I take a breath, opening my eyes slowly as I look at him. He's so tall, and for some reason, his height makes him feel even more unreachable.
"I don't wanna lose you in the process, Lincoln. I love you more than anything."
My hands take his. They're so big and warm.
"Please tell me what's going on. Do you still love me at least?"
"Yes. I still love you, Gabby. Please stop that."
"I just—I just need to hear it. You told me a long time ago that I should ask you as many times until I'm assured. And right now, I don't feel assured. So please just tell me again. Do you love me?"
"Yes I love you."
He says it a little quieter, looking into my eyes now, finally.
"I love you too, and we both agreed that we could get through anything. Remember?"
He seems to release a sigh, the tension liquidating from him. He nods his head very slowly, his eyes closed. He looks so tired. Why was he so willing to fight me just now?
"You can talk to me about anything, even your job, even things that you think I would judge you for, maybe, as long as we have each other.
Everything will be okay. I love you. If this job truly makes you happy, then I support you.
But if it's not, baby, leave. I would rather be with you poor.
I was with you when you had almost nothing. Remember?"
"… Yeah."
"Then, baby, please, please don't feel like you have to run yourself ragged for me."
"My whole team is depending on me. There are other ways to make money, but I would have to start from the ground up.
And I want us to solidify our future. I don't wanna be retiring when I'm sixty years old.
That's why I'm working as hard as I am now.
I'm working hard like this now so that we can play and be free later. "
He puts his warm hands on my shoulders, looking into my eyes.
"Please just trust me."
Looking back at him, tears fall.
"I…” My tongue shoots out to lick my lips, my liquid sadness coating them. "All I'm asking is that you just please meet me halfway and just tell me when you're gonna be late. I know you say it's hard to do that, but you're smart, and I know you can find a way to do it."
"I'll try to tell you on my break if I know by then.
But if I find out way later, sometimes, honestly, I'm so wrapped up in the testing room for hours and hours that I don't even get any notifications.
Baby, I'm sorry, and I'm not gonna promise you that I'm not gonna come late again with almost no explanation. "
"What are you talking about with no explanation?"
"What I mean is I—I didn't tell you. I'm not gonna promise that there's not gonna be a time when I'm gonna be late again and didn't tell you ahead of time."
All I can do is stare at him because I don't know why this is so easy for him to say.
"This isn't forever, Gabby."
"I understand that, but how long is it? A year? Five years? Ten years? How much longer can this relationship last through that?"
"That depends on you."
"I'm not the one pulling away, Lincoln!"
Lincoln takes his hands off me and wipes his face.
"I'm sorry, baby. I don't have the emotional bandwidth for this conversation anymore. We can finish it at a later time, but I'm… I… I’m really fucking tired."
He walks off toward our bedroom. I wanna give him his space. I don't know what to do.
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