Chapter 21
PRESSURE AND RESPONSIBILITY
Saturday morning, Dean showed up at Molly’s doorstep. He hadn’t even told her he was coming and wanted to surprise her.
Why? Because the anticipation was so great and he didn’t even think he could wait another two days.
Carly was taking Jonah to Lake George for the day and as much as he would have loved to have done it, he just couldn’t. It was too busy and his son understood.
So with them out the door early, there was no reason to sit around when he could see if she was home before he left for work himself.
He knocked once, heard the noise behind the door, then it was whipped open fast. “Dean! What are you doing here?”
“I thought I’d surprise you. I brought you something too.”
“What?” she asked.
He pulled the small box out from behind his back of Krause chocolates. She’d said she chocolate binged when she was frustrated.
“I got one for myself a few days ago. I didn’t think a chocolate binge was right, but it sure helped.”
She laughed and took the truffle box. “Why did you need a chocolate binge?”
He leaned in and put his lips to hers. Just a soft kiss, but he needed it.
Then he did it again. Longer this time.
Dragging it out.
His tongue slid in and tasted her.
Knowing that she was still here.
That she was happy to see him.
That waiting a full week to do it again wasn’t going to bite him in the ass.
“Maybe I missed you. Or this. Trying to decide which.”
She looped her arms around his neck. “Maybe I’ve felt the same but you know, I’m not a clingy person.”
“Neither am I. So there I am, getting twisted and instead of getting in my head, I go for chocolate. But since I brought some back for Jonah and Carly, no one thought anything of it. This box here, I hid it away. I was going to give it to you Monday, but why wait?”
“Why wait?” she asked. “Come in. I was just cleaning.”
He looked her over again in athletic shorts, a baggy T-shirt, her hair up and glasses on again.
“Can I tell you I really like you in glasses?”
“You can tell me. That’s sweet. I always hated them but I guess you see so many people wearing them as accessories now. Though I doubt they are prescription ones. Who the hell could afford that? I won’t tell you how much these suckers cost even with insurance covering part of it.”
He could afford it.
He almost slipped and said that.
Which told him how really messed up the woman in front of him made him feel.
“Can I get you something to eat or drink? I’ve got peanut butter cookies.” She burst out laughing. “And they don’t have stool softeners in them.”
“What?” Maybe he’d pass on them. Damn, he was going to have to really watch it with her and food.
Though he found it funny and it kept him on his toes.
Maybe he needed that in his life also.
“Sorry. It’s a joke. One of my coworkers made a crack about the cookies I made and wanted to know what secret ingredient I put in them.”
“And you told them stool softeners?”
“It was a joke. You should have seen their face. But when I said it was a joke they still wouldn’t take any. Doesn’t matter. It’s more for me. You’d think people at work would get me by now.”
“Or maybe they know you so well that they actually thought you were testing something.”
“You could be right. So that was my funny moment on Friday at work.”
“I’m glad you have funny moments. I don’t always get them. That’s wrong. I get them at the bar at times. You’d be surprised the shit people tell me.”
“Tell me,” she said, sitting on the couch. “Every time we are together doesn’t have to be a formal date you know. I’m sure you’re not ready to have me at your place but you can come hang out here. I’m good with it.”
“You know. We can work our way up to you coming over. I almost told Carly about you this morning and then held off. I won’t wait much longer.”
She smiled. “That’s sweet. So, what funny stories did you hear at work since I told you my funny peanut butter cookie one?”
“I hear a lot of complaining mostly. People’s jobs, which is hard because I love mine.”
“Beats being a doctor,” she said. “Not all those student loans and responsibilities. I know you probably think I’m nuts, but I’m not sure I could handle the pressure of having someone’s life in my hands.”
He laughed.
He couldn’t comment on the loans.
But the pressure and responsibility. Yep, not for him.
“I just didn’t want that. I don’t care how smart you are, people shouldn’t tell you how to live your life. It’s about what makes you happy, not miserable. And being at other people’s beck and call would drive me nuts. I hate all the rules and regulations with a bar, but it’s not the same thing.”
“Not at all. I think there are many people out there who want to be their own boss. It has appeal, but then I ask myself, I’ve got no fallback plan. And I like to have a plan.”
“Having a plan helps until things don’t go the way they should in that plan.”
“Like having a kid?” she asked.
This could be his chance to talk about that.
“Yeah. You want to know things. I know you do. Just ask.”
“How much time do you have?” She picked his wrist up and looked at his watch.
“Someone else is opening. I can get there a little later if I want.”
He really wasn’t scheduled until one but he showed up when he wanted.
Once he knew Carly was taking Jonah out for the day, he had no plans on sitting at home.
“I’ll start small. Where is your family from? You never said where your sister flew in from.”
He hadn’t? He was so used to keeping his life private. Even his staff were shocked to meet Willow. He’d threatened her to keep her mouth shut about their background. At least she listened to him on that front.
“The Big Apple,” he said. No use saying originally Manhattan. That was close enough.
“That’s a far cry from the lifestyle here.”
“It is.”
“I went to Cornell. There isn’t much around that area. I’ve got to imagine New York City compared to Albany was like me going there. But I liked it.”
Ivy League. He shouldn’t have been shocked at all. Should he say that he attended Columbia? No, he couldn’t. That would raise a lot of flags. Wouldn’t it?
“So what brought you here? Did you go to college?”
Shit, now he’d have to tell her. He wouldn’t lie. He couldn’t just be vague about his college like where he grew up.
“You know how I said it was expected that I’d be a doctor?”
“Yeah?”
“I was on a scholarship to Columbia.”
Her mouth opened and then hung there. He wasn’t lying about the scholarship, so maybe she wouldn’t think anything about money or wealth.
“We both went to an Ivy League college?”
“Looks that way.”
“What did you go for?” she asked, grabbing his hand. “Oh, wait, if it was expected you’d be a doctor then it’d have to be science based. Biology?”
“Ding, ding, ding,” he said.
“Now more things make sense.”
“What’s that?” he asked.
“You just seem so smart. I mean, I know you’re smart, but you seemed more than that. Brainy, I guess. Knowledgeable about so many things. I figured it’s because you talk to so many people and just absorb things, but the truth is you are brainy.”
“Can I confess something to you?” he asked.
“I’d love that.”
Her smile just made his heart pound faster than Thumper’s feet. Was this what he’d been missing in his life? From his personal life and any type of relationship with a woman? Someone he could sit and talk to?
He thought he’d never know what genuine love was until Jonah’s tiny fingers wrapped around his thumb.
“I was often called Brainy Dean.”
She wrinkled her nose. “Yeah, I wouldn’t like that. My father called me all sorts of things and none of them were a compliment.”
“I don’t think Brainy Dean is a compliment.”
“I wouldn’t be insulted if people said that to me. I’m smart and they knew it. I knew it. I liked knowing that I was good at something.”
He frowned. “You’re good at a lot of things.”
“It’s hard to think that when you can’t catch a ball, no one laughs at your jokes, you can barely find clothes that fit you, that are too short or too baggy half the time, you wear thick glasses and have braces. I’m quirky. I didn’t mind being told that. But the other things, it was hurtful.”
He pulled her close to him, tucking her under his shoulder.
Times like this, when she opened up. It was another side he never saw coming.
“I bet no one says those things to you now.”
She laughed. “No one in my family does anymore. My mother, she can’t get out of her own way.
I think she just went along with everyone else and now she’s just critical.
Not mean, just nothing I do is right to her.
At my age, she thought I’d be married with kids too.
Like that is the life plan every thirty-year-old should strive for. ”
He wasn’t sure why this hadn’t popped into his head before. “Do you want kids?”
“I’d like to have kids, but I want to find the right person to have them with first.”
“I never thought I’d have kids.”
“What? Really?”
“And I’ve never said that out loud before.
I think I just didn’t have that great a relationship with my family.
I’m not close with Willow. She’s ten years younger than me.
Most families have drama so I won’t bore you with it.
Then when I started at Pulse, I was like, it’s hard to have a life outside of this. ”
“But you are making that happen.”
He snorted. “Not that great. It’s why I’ve been single. For years it was difficult to have any kind of relationship with the hours that I work.”
“Why not look somewhere else for another job? One that might be more flexible with time?”
His nose twitched. It’s where things got tricky.
“I’ve got a lot of flexibility where I am. I’m pretty much running the entire show. Some of it is just my personality. I’m kind of a perfectionist.”
“Oh, I know that. I’m the same way.”
“Maybe that’s why it’s so easy to talk to you. And I know you want to know about Jonah’s mother.”
“I would like to, but not if you don’t want to share. Maybe it’s too painful for you.”
He laughed. Not a funny sound. Not even a forced one.
Just what came out when he thought of Corinda thinking of anyone other than herself.
“It’s not painful. It’s not even hard to explain. More like rather short.”
“Huh?”
“Corinda came into the bar. That’s how we met. We had a few hot nights together, nothing more.”
“Okayyyyyy,” she said, drawing it out.
“We fizzled and she moved on. Then one day she shows up a few months later and says she’s pregnant and I’m the father.”
“Did you believe her?”
“No. I’m thinking about how we met.”
“Not much different from us,” she pointed out.
He ran his hand over her arm. “You’re right. But you two are night and day. She’s in the bar and pounding shots and waiting for me to close and bring her home. It was all about sex with her and I knew it. There would never be a relationship.”
“Do we have one?” She shook her head. “Never mind. Runaway thought.”
“It’s not a runaway thought. It’s one that has crossed my mind. If we didn’t have the start of it. Or something, I wouldn’t be here right now. How is that?”
“Good enough. Keep going, if you want.”
“She says she’s pregnant. I don’t believe it. She wants to end the pregnancy, but is scared. She’s not sure what to do, but thought she’d talk to me first.”
“Which was a good thing she did or you might have never known.”
He’d thought of all those things and what he would have missed out on in his life.
“She didn’t want the baby. I did. He was my blood. We got an attorney and turned it into a surrogate situation. I paid her a lump sum at the end and she has no legal right to Jonah. A month after she gave birth, she moved and I’ve never heard from her again.”
“Wow. I need to process this.”
“I know. Try being in my shoes. I was there for the birth, and she was in and out like she was any other patient there for a procedure. She never held him. Didn’t name him. Didn’t want to see him or anything.”
“Maybe that was better.”
“That is what I tell myself. And when Jonah is older and can understand, I’m going to be honest with him.”
“You’ll tell him he wasn’t wanted?”
He wouldn’t take offense at those words. “He was wanted. I wanted him. I have enough love for him for more than two people.”
She moved over and crawled into his lap. “I’m sorry, Dean. I didn’t mean it that way. Remember, I always felt as if I wasn’t loved. I wasn’t wanted. Wasn’t good enough. I just know…it’s not easy to feel that, let alone someone say it.”
He’d never thought of it that way.
“When the time comes I’ll tell him something. I never thought of it that way until you said it.”
He leaned down and gave her a kiss.
“I’m glad you told me.”
“I’ve never said it to anyone else. Your sister, Ruby, didn’t know. I just said I had a baby coming and I’d be doing it on my own.”
“There are a lot of single fathers out there. It’s not unheard of.”
“Nope. So when people ask about Jonah, I say he had a surrogate.”
“Then why didn’t you just say that to me?”
He ran his hand down the side of her cheek. “Because you’re more than anyone else. And when I say those words, it feels cheesy, but it’s the truth. Everything about you and how it makes me feel and act, it’s just different.”
“From someone who is used to being different, I can relate.”
He laughed and kissed her again, harder this time. Deeper.
Letting her know what he was really feeling.
What he was thinking.
What he wanted without coming out and saying it.
“Do you still want to wait?” he asked. “Cuz I can and will.”
She shook her head no.