Chapter 24
ALWAYS WANTED
On Thursday, Molly was walking out of a staff meeting holding her laptop close to her chest.
She hadn’t seen Dean since Monday. It’d been a few weeks since she’d met her boyfriend’s son and had a blast playing games in the backyard, eating massive burgers and devouring her cake.
Since then they spent every Monday together for dinner, then he went home. Or she went home.
There were no overnights. Neither of them was ready for that.
Just because Jonah accepted her in his life didn’t mean he was ready to see her in the morning.
Nor did she want to feel as if she was sneaking out either.
If she didn’t stop in for lunch during the week once in a while, they saw little of each other. Their communication was limited to phone calls and text messages.
For the most part she was good with it. It gave her time to continue with her own hobbies. She got to read, she got to experiment with recipes.
She visited with both of her sisters and their families and even had another dinner with her mother where she confessed she had a boyfriend.
Her mother asked a few questions, then seemed uninterested when she’d said that Dean managed a bar.
As if she could do so much better.
She didn’t get it. None of it.
Dean was very successful.
Had a beautiful home. A well-adjusted child.
Which her mother criticized that situation also, even though she’d never said anything more than he was a single father.
It was just as well in her mind to let it drop.
She wasn’t going to try anymore.
She didn’t need to.
She had what she’d always wanted, even if it wasn’t the way she planned it’d be.
She’d just turned into her office when she heard a knock at the door and turned to see Dean standing there.
What the hell was he doing in her building? In her office? And staring at her like he had no idea who she was?
“Dean?” she said. “What are you doing here?”
She wanted to rush forward and give him a hug or kiss, but the look on his face made her realize she had to stay back.
“I thought I’d come see you before I went into work. They said you weren’t busy when I asked the assistant up front.”
Damn Tonya. She would have thought it was funny to send a hot guy back here. “What did you tell her? Who did you say you were?”
“I just gave my name and said I was a friend.”
She didn’t know why that bothered her so much.
Why he couldn’t say they were in a relationship when it’d been close to two months now that she’d known him.
But the look on his face said there was more going through his brain.
“What’s wrong?”
He was still standing there looking at her.
She glanced down and saw her penny loafers on her feet, dull brown pants that were wide and touching the top of her shoes.
She had a short-sleeved button-down shirt on with a sweater vest over it.
Her hair was pulled back into a bun and she had her glasses on.
Oh shit.
As much as she’d changed when she was with Dean. Even talking to her family. It was still hard for her to make the transition at work.
She didn’t know why.
Maybe it was the attention she didn’t want on her.
“I’m trying to figure out if you’re the same person I’ve been seeing. You look... different.”
“I’m the same person,” she said slowly.
He shut the door. “Are you really though?”
“I’m the Molly you’ve been going on a date with every Monday,” she said laughing.
“Your voice is. Your glasses. Not your clothes. Even your hair. Or the way you’re carrying your laptop clutched in front of your chest. What am I missing here?”
Shit.
Could it be possible that when she dressed like this she was meeker too. That nice clothes gave her confidence and boring drab ones made her not stand up as tall.
Made her want to be invisible to most.
She knew that was the truth and her only excuse was the fact that if she came in looking like she did with Dean, people would ask questions.
Questions that had simple answers, but ones she didn’t always want to explain either.
The door was shut now and he went to sit down across from her at her desk. Didn’t look like he was leaving anytime soon.
“Oh, I know that’s your name. What I don’t understand is why you look like someone completely different from when I first saw you. Or when you come into the bar on your lunch hour. And it’s not even a little change either. Come on, Molly. I’m not making this up, am I?”
She blew out a breath. Even the days she went to have lunch with him, she strategically planned her wardrobe to do her Clark Kent change. “I can explain.”
“And I expect you to.”
She took a deep breath. “That night in the bar. The first night. It all happened the way I said. I haven’t lied to you. It was a blind date from hell.”
“So you are one person during the day and one person at night?” he asked, his head angled.
“No. Not really. What you see right now, this is who I’ve always been. I always hated it and always got picked on for it.”
“What? The drab clothing? You look like you said you were in school. Kind of scholarly and nerdy and not wanting to be seen.”
“That’s it,” she said, nodding her head.
“Then why not change? That night in the bar, was that the first time you’d done that? I don’t get it. I don’t get anything right now.”
There was just no way out of this, and she had to be honest.
“I lost a bet with Tonya. She’s the person who told you to come back here. No one knows I’m dating anyone either. I never told her what happened that night. I mean I told her, but not that I ended up in your bar.”
“Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?” he asked. “People I work with know you’re my girlfriend.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“I told them. You come in all the time. You sit at the bar and we spend time together. I didn’t think it was a secret. Jesus, you met my son. Did you want me to be some kind of secret? Is being in a relationship with a bartender not good enough for you?”
Oh God.
This was going south fast.
“No, no, no. You have it all wrong.”
“Then explain it.”
“I’m trying to,” she rushed out to say. “It’s just... I lost a bet, I told you that before, and Tonya made me get a makeover for that date. I ended up in the bar and just thought, wow, wouldn’t it be neat to be the person I look like. The person I always wanted to be.”
“So… you were playing a game?”
“Not really. I guess it was more like a role. I never thought I’d see you again.
I went home and was shocked by my behavior.
That I even had the confidence to do what I always imagined I could.
And then I wondered if it was the way I looked that gave me the confidence or if someone like you brought it out of me. ”
“What does that mean? Someone like me?”
“Come on, Dean. Look at me. Look at me right now. Just like this. Head to toe. If I had come into the bar looking like this that night you’d have given me my drink and that would be the end of it. If I came in two more times you’d probably forget about me. I’m a pretty forgettable person.”
“You’re not.”
“I’m not forgettable now. But just tell me the honest truth. I walk into the bar like this for the first time and order a drink, what do you do?”
His silence told her everything she needed to know.
“So you came back a few more times to test it out? I guess that’s part of your job, isn’t it? Testing a theory and I was your lab rat?”
“Of course not. That last time I was there. You were flirting with someone and I realized what a big mistake it was for me to be there trying something I always wanted. I was going to pay and leave when you were out back, but you returned and you asked me out. I was stunned and almost said no, but then figured what would it hurt?”
“What it hurt was you’re living a lie,” he said. “I let you into my son’s life and I don’t even know that you are two different people.”
“I’m not. It’s clothing. That’s it. I mean what we talk about, what you see of me when we are together is completely how I am.
The clothes are different and they give me the confidence I always seemed to lack in the rest of my life.
But then, after we ‘started over’ it all changed.
I don’t need to wear that stuff to be confident around you.
You and everyone else made me realize that. ”
“Everyone else? Like your sisters because it’s not your coworkers.”
She sighed. “Yes. My sisters. They know. They said it all along. It’s clothing and it’s normal and natural to dress for success.
But then, when you see me now. A lot of it is my clothing just worn differently.
That second date. Those pink pants. That white T-shirt.
Those shoes. They were mine, but worn differently. ”
His eyes moved over her baggy sweater. “You’d cover the T-shirt with something like that? So you’d get taken seriously at your job?”
“I never thought of it that way. I could lie and say yes, but I’m not going to lie about that. I think I hid behind clothing to be forgotten. I was honest with you about how my father treated me, and my mother now. And recently I realized I don’t have to do it anymore.”
“Then why continue to dress like this at work?”
“Everyone knows me here like this. I tried different clothes, mixing it up, but nothing drastic. Just like that date with you. My clothes, but the white T-shirt was just a bit too much here. It’s not professional.”
“And did anyone even notice?” he asked. “When you changed things up?”
Her lips flapped when the air gushed out of them.
“They did. And they made comments. They were making me uncomfortable and bringing attention to me. I’ve always had negative attention and it was.
.. frightening again. Or overwhelming. I had to explain myself and I don’t like doing that either, yet I’m doing it with you.
I just wanted to be me and not have people comment. ”
“What do you mean negative attention?” he asked almost snarling. Like he was going to defend her? Was that possible?
“Someone made a joke that I might be trying to get a guy’s attention in the lab. It was a joke. I knew they weren’t serious but I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the way it made me feel. I want to do my job and not have people comment at all.”
“Life doesn’t work that way. People always run their mouths. Why not just take a stand? You haven’t had a problem doing that with me.”
She threw her hands up. “I don’t know if I could with anyone else.
With you, I guess because you’ve only ever known me as someone else.
I’m sorry,” she said, her eyes filling. “I’m not trying to deceive you.
I just tried to change everything I hated about myself for years and it never stuck.
And then it did. And when I tried it here, I just kind of felt like I was taking steps back and didn’t want to lose the happiness I’ve got. ”
“I hear what you’re saying. I want to believe you. But it’s really hard. You know how difficult it was for me to let you into Jonah’s life.”
“I know. It’s just clothes,” she said. “I don’t understand why you’re making such a big deal about it.”
“Because you admitted in the beginning that it was more than that for you.”
He wasn’t wrong.
“But then it changed for me over a month ago.”
“Then tell me that. Tell me how you did it. Tell me how funny it was. Or ask me my opinion. That’s what people in a relationship do. They don’t let the other be blindsided like this.”
She picked up a tissue and blew her nose. “It’s difficult to wipe away years of what has been done and said to you.”
He was quiet. As if he were thinking.
As if he were processing and believing her.
“I suppose that makes some sense to me now, thinking back.”
“Yes. I’m sorry, Dean. If I had thought this was going to be an issue, I would have brought it up. But it’s like you wear your jeans and Pulse shirt to work and I wear this. I guess that is how I think of it.”
He let out a breath. “You weren’t a virgin but I’ve got to ask how many people have you’ve been with?”
Boy. That came out of left field. “Does it matter?” she asked. “Much less than you, I know that.”
“I guess not.”
“Are you mad at me?” She wiped her nose on her arm, then cringed and went back for another tissue. “I know you’re confused and I’m sorry. I hope I explained it well. I’m not lying at all. I promise you that. You can even ask Ruby. You know her.”
“I don’t know what I am,” he said, standing up. “I guess I need time to think about it. But I don’t need to ask your sister things I’ve witnessed myself. I’m a pretty smart guy.”
“I really am the same person. It’s just clothes, Dean.”
“Deep down, I know. Everything you’re saying, I believe. And I know. I really do. But that doesn’t mean I don’t need time to process this either.”
He turned and left and rather than chase him down the hall like a fool, she let him go and reminded herself, that, yes, he’s smart and he’ll understand.
Eventually.