Chapter Twenty-Nine
I barely slept after Colton left, craving his presence the second it was gone. My thoughts were buzzing, and I couldn’t calm down. I had tossed and turned for hours before giving up and scrolling through emails for the next hour.
Right before dawn, I had a horrible realization.
My mother. I had been having such a good time with Colton that I had completely forgotten we were going to see her.
There was no way I was going to sleep after that. Just the thought that my mother and I were in the same town made me start to sweat. I threw on my running clothes and opened the curtains as quietly as I could.
The couch was pulled out into a queen-sized bed. Jimmy was lying on his back, arms folded on his body, snoring loudly. If he hadn’t been snoring, I would’ve worried he was dead. Colton was on his stomach, his left arm draped over Jimmy’s chest. His hair was wild, and his mouth open.
I sighed, the sudden urge to kiss the bare skin of his back overwhelming. I snuck out the door before I was tempted to act on my impulse.
I jumped in surprise as I saw Alan sitting in front of a small campfire, his back hunched.
A part of me thought about just shoving my headphones in and starting my run, but something about the way he was crouched over made me think differently.
I shoved my hands in my jacket pocket and shuffled over. “Good morning,” I said quietly, hoping I wouldn’t scare him.
No such luck. He jumped up, his hand over his heart. “Golly Ally, you scared the life outta me!”
I cringed and took a seat in the empty chair beside him. “Sorry, I was trying my best not to sneak up on you.”
His eyes were slightly puffy. He stared at the fire. “I didn’t think anyone would be up so early.”
“I’m not a good sleeper,” I admitted, crossing my legs. “Why are you up?”
“Just missin’ the kids and wanted to talk to Erin for a while, uninterrupted,” he said with a sad laugh.
I’m sure I wasn’t the person that Alan wanted to dive into all his feelings with, but I was also just here, no harm in asking. “Is she doing okay?”
He sighed and leaned back. “Yeah, she’s good. She handles the seasons well, better than a lot of stay-at-home spouses would. I’m the one who has a hard time.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” he admitted. “I love the rodeo, with all my heart, but the time away from her and the kids is killin’ me. Jimmy gets it, that’s why he’s retirin’.” He shot me a look like he wasn’t sure if he was supposed to say that.
I nodded in understanding, and he went on.
“When I’m in the show, I’m one-hundred percent in, it’s the best feelin’ in the world. Then the show ends, and I want to wrestle my kids, tuck them in, and lie on the couch with Erin. This travelin’ time is so hard when I just want to be home.”
I was shocked by how deeply he dove into it all, but I was also grateful that he trusted me enough to let me in on his feelings. We had maybe talked a few times, never one-on-one. “Are you ready to retire?” I asked cautiously.
He shrugged. “Maybe. I could do county or state rodeos and be happy, but Dean…” he thought for a minute before going on, “Dean wants to go all in and see if we could make it to the NFR next season. If we really put the time and effort in, honestly, I’m sure we absolutely could.
But that’s the issue. I don’t want to put in the time.
I want to go to my kids’ games and color pictures, and take my wife on dates. ”
He was between a rock and a hard place. He was passionate about what he did, loved it, and was incredibly good at it, but it took him away from the people he wanted to spend his time with.
And what’s more, his twin had the time, skills, and desire to go to the top.
Dean needed Alan to make it to the NFR. Their synchronization in Team Roping wasn’t something that could be taught; it was deeper than that.
“Gosh, Alan, I’m really sorry,” I said after I was sure he was done talking.
He chuckled and wiped his eyes. “What the heck, Ally? Why did I just dump all that on you?”
I smiled. “I’m glad you did. I always feel a ton better after I talk out my problems.”
He looked at me, fully looked at me, not trying to hide his red eyes anymore. “Any advice?”
“I’m not the right person to give advice,” I shook my head.
“I don’t have to use your advice, but you seem like a smart person, and I’d love any ideas you have,” he said with desperation.
Oh dear, he really did want to hear what I had to say.
I thought for a moment, wanting to make sure I would say something helpful.
“I think a conversation with Dean would be the first place to start. You don’t have to jump in and say, ‘I’m retiring,’ but you could tell him the toll that this is taking on you.
He’s your twin and partner, I’m sure he’d consider your feelings. ”
Alan thought about it. “I think you’re right,” he nodded. “Thank you, Ally, for real. I don’t know why I felt like dumping my emotions on you, but I’m really glad you couldn’t sleep.”
I chuckled. “Me too. You’re okay?”
He stood. “Yes, yes, I’m good. Thank you. Sorry, you can go…do whatever you were gonna do.”
“Running,” I answered, gesturing toward my shoes.
He shook his head. “Running is freakin’ torture. Are you sure you’re okay?”
If we really wanted to get into emotional dumping, I could tell him that I’m running because I have to face my crazy mother today, but I didn’t want to dive into all that right now. “Oh yeah. I really enjoy it.”
“You’re nuts, get outta here,” he waved goodbye, throwing in a smile.
~~~
I was going to vomit.
It was going to happen.
I was so nauseous I was actively looking for a place to barf so I wouldn’t get it all over Colton’s truck.
“Left up here?”
“Yep,” I said shortly, taking long, deep breaths to calm my stomach.
He reached across the middle console and took my hand. “Are you okay?”
No. “Yeah, I just think I ate too much breakfast,” I lied. I had pushed the incredible diner breakfast around until the waitress took it away.
Breakfast would’ve been fun, a good time with the loud Nash family, but I was so preoccupied with the overwhelming anxiety of seeing Mom that I couldn’t hold a conversation.
Jo had put her hand on mine midway through the meal and gave me a “you good?” look, to which I had smiled and nodded.
I’m sure she didn’t believe me.
“Man, I definitely did,” Colton laughed. “Two omelets and a breakfast burrito?” He groaned, stretching his stomach. “And let’s not even talk about the hashbrowns!”
“Oh gosh, please don’t talk about the hashbrowns,” I moaned in my head.
I did not want to vomit, I did not want to vomit, I did not want to vomit.
But for real, those boys could put food away as I had never seen before. It was an incredible sight.
They all ordered enough to feed me for a week and ate in record time, chugging at least a gallon of chocolate milk.
Yes, all of them ordered chocolate milk with their breakfast. Jo had laughed at them and called them children the rest of the meal.
I probably would’ve teased Colton about it, too.
I couldn’t wait to get this stupid meeting over with so I could start enjoying my time with the Nashes again.
“Turn right at this stop sign,” I said, peering out the windows at the all-too-familiar scenery. “And then left into the…the park.”
The word I was not able to get out was “trailer.” I couldn’t tell Colton to pull into the trailer park.
I looked at Colton to see his reaction, but he hadn’t changed his face. “It’s this one…on the right, behind the green car.”
He looked nice, dressed like a “meet the parents” date. He was in a brown pearl snap shirt and had combed his hair under a straw cowboy hat. I even watched him use a lint roller and spray on cologne before we left.
I spent twenty minutes deciding what to wear. In the end, I had chosen a dark green tank top that would help hide my sweat if it got out of control, and pinned my hair back in a bun, so I wouldn’t have to think about it.
I don’t think he pictured the sagging gray trailer house that sat in front of us when he got dressed this morning. He parked, and I could barely move, acid in my throat.
“You’re shakin’, Ally,” Colton said, a deep concern in his voice.
I turned to look at him, hoping I didn’t look as horrible as I felt.
The surprise in his eyes made me think I did indeed look that bad. “What’s wrong?”
I opened my mouth and tried to force words to come out.
“You haven’t been yourself all mornin’,” he whispered. “Was it somethin’ I said or…”
“My mom and I are estranged,” I blurted. “We don’t have the best relationship. I’m a little nervous about how she’s going to treat you.”
He relaxed a little, relieved he wasn’t the one who had made me feel like I was going to pass out. “You don’t need to worry about that. I get bucked off a horse for a livin’,” he said with a teasing smile. “I’m tough.”
I didn’t even have the energy to muster a chuckle. “You’re gonna think differently when you meet her,” I promised.
He gave me a soft smile, his eyebrows still knit together in concern. “If you don’t want to go, it’s okay.”
I popped the door open before I could agree and tell him to drive back to the campground.
Colton immediately followed and jumped out after me.
My feet were dragging, but somehow I made it up the two creaky stairs.
The dirty, murky door seemed to frown with me, a final warning against this. Right above the cracked doorbell was a bright pink paper taped to the faded white siding.
Eviction Notice
I could feel Colton climbing the stairs behind me. He put his big, warm hand on my shoulder, his strong presence reminding me to breathe.
I knocked.
It took a full sixty seconds until we heard the stomp stomp stomp of feet making their way to the door. The knob twisted a few times before the door was yanked open.
My mother stood in front of me for the first time in seven years.
Her blonde hair was thin and ratted, thrown up in a sloppy bun.
Her clothes hung off her skeletal frame, clinging for their lives.
She was wearing one of my old high school tank tops and short shorts.
Her skin was grey and loose, making her look twenty years older than she was.
In her mouth was an old cigarette butt, ash leaking from the tip.
She had a bit of makeup on, smudged mascara, smeared lipstick, and bright pink blush.
It was all I could do not to gasp in horror.