Chapter Thirty-One
Colton gently peeled my hair back away from my face. He cupped my cheek in his calloused palm and tilted my head to look up at him. “Ally, I…” he trailed off. What was he supposed to say?
Your family is freaking insane. I don’t think I can be with you anymore. You’re probably just like your mom.
I blinked; my eyes felt like they had been rubbed with sandpaper.
“I’m so sorry.”
We were sitting in the dirt beside the truck, both of us needing a minute to breathe before we did anything else.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered again.
I was so tired of being mad; it was utterly exhausting. I had spent the last thirteen years being mad.
Mad at my dad for dying and mad at my mom for giving up on being a parent.
I was so tired of being so furious that I had given myself tinnitus.
I was ready to move on. I had spent the last few weeks watching the Nash family, their undying love for one another, and craved it with every inch of my soul.
What was stopping me from having that kind of love in my life?
Colton was still staring at me, worry written so plainly on his usual carefree face. I hated how much stress I had already caused him. I let out a long breath. “We need to get you ready for the rodeo,” I said as lightly as I could.
Colton shook his head. “I-I can call and ask if I can ride tomorrow. I want to be with you.”
I sniffed. “I really just want to…I want to move on, to start over. I don’t want to spend the rest of tonight, or my life, for that matter, dwelling on what happened. I’ve spent way too much time living in the past and letting it control my future.”
Colton looked slightly relieved that I wasn’t going to break into pieces right in front of him. “We can talk about whatever you want, for however long as you need.”
“I know,” I assured him, grabbing his hand and kissing it. “But honestly, I don’t want to. I want to get you ready for tonight. This is a big ride, and I am so excited for you.”
“I don’t want you to bury your feelings,” he urged.
Gosh, he was so sweet it was killing me. “I’m not. I’m just letting go of them, finally.” I looked up to the Texas blue sky that seemed to stretch out forever. “Let’s just go back to camp.”
He stood and held out his hand to help me up. I graciously took it and pulled myself to my feet.
I suddenly felt like a thousand pounds had been lifted off of me.
It was glorious.
I looked at Colton with a newfound look on my life. “Thank you.”
He gave me a confused look.
I grabbed both of his hands and even managed to smile. “Thank you for being a light in my life.”
Colton beamed. “Are you kiddin’? Ally, you are truly the light of my life,” he said without an ounce of hesitation. “You make me wanna get up in the mornin’. You brighten up my days without even tryin’.”
I was the one to lean forward enough to plant a soft, sweet kiss on his smiling lips.
“You sure you don’t wanna hang out and talk for a while?” He asked again as I released his hands.
Yes, I would love to unload everything that’s been weighing me down for years, but what good would that do?
I saw my mom again, and it caused more harm than good.
I had what I wanted from the house. There was nothing I could say that would bring my dad back.
So, I wanted to go back to the feeling I got when I forgot about my childhood.
The feeling Colton gave me by just being himself.
“I’m sure.”
Colton pulled into the campground just a little after four.
The twins were in one of the pastures, riding their horses around. Jimmy was on the phone, laughing and walking around the trailers. Jo was standing over the campfire, mixing food in the Dutch oven sitting over it. Dennis stood at the grill, his hand on his hip.
Colton opened the truck door for me, helping me down from the tall seat. I didn’t want to explain what happened to Colton’s family, but it would be inevitable.
I could delay it…probably…hopefully.
“Hey, y’all!” Jo yelled, half jogging toward us. “How did it go? I was just about to get dinner started and-” She stopped short and looked between us.
I’m sure my eyes were as red as an angry sunset, and I could feel the puffiness beginning to grow in my eyelids.
Colton was doing his best to act like everything was normal. “Hi, Mamma.”
Jo looked like she was going to crawl out of her skin if she didn’t find out why both her son and his girlfriend looked like they had been crying for the past hour. “Hi…” she said finally. “We’re just about to finish dinner before the show.”
I smiled. “It smells great. How can I help?”
Jo looked between us again, but Colton gave her a not-so-subtle shake of his head. She nodded back and put her arm around my waist. “You wanna mix up the salad?”
Relieved she gave me a job this time, and didn’t make me sit and watch everyone else do the work, I nodded gratefully.
Dennis was on the grill, flipping some incredible-looking chicken. He turned and waved. “Well, there are the two busy bees! How’d it go?”
Jo released me, but not before giving me an extra squeeze. She smacked her husband on the butt and leaned over his shoulder. “Mmh, that’s lookin’ good, babe. How much longer?”
Dennis was easily distracted. “You’re lookin’ good, babe. But this should be done in about ten minutes or so.”
“Perfect!” She said loudly. “Allegra, sweetie, the salad mix should be in the trailer fridge. Do you mind? The potatoes are almost done, and I don’t want them to burn.”
I nodded, again grateful for a task, and walked in, careful not to completely close the door behind me.
Colton stayed back. He had to calm the worry in his mother before she started asking too many questions.
I found the salad and a large blue bowl. It was a prepackaged mixture, so all I had to do was open the wrappers and mix it all.
“I promise everything is fine,” Colton whispered, not very quietly.
“Did you break up?” Jo croaked.
“No!” Colton almost shouted. “She just…her mom was…it was a really bad experience with her mom. We’ll talk tonight, I’ll tell you what happened, but she’s told me a million times she just wants to move on.”
“That’s mature,” Dennis added.
“Yes, and as much as I want to let her cry it out and beat a dead horse over and over, I want to respect her wishes more,” Colton sighed. “So can we pretend that everything is fine?”
I wandered back out loudly, making enough noise that they knew I was coming out.
The three broke up their whisper huddle and turned to look at me.
The Nash family was as kind as the day was long, but they were the most unsubtle people I had ever met.
“Colton, do you want to go change so you can be ready to go right after we eat?” I asked as I set the salad on the folding table with paper plates and condiments.
Colton nodded, kissed my cheek, and walked into the trailer.
“You are so good for that boy,” Jo said.
It was the best compliment a mother could give to the girl dating her son, and it warmed my broken heart.
“He’s always been as stubborn as a mule, but sweetie, he would do anythin’ you ask.
You’re breakin’ through the impenetrable fortress of Colton’s strength. I am so glad he found you.”
I blinked back tears that suddenly stung my eyes, throwing my hand to brush away her words.
“Oh, I don’t know about that. He’s really…
” I thought about the heartmelting words he had said to my mother only an hour before.
“He’s really the biggest gentleman I’ve ever met.
He treats me better than I could ever even imagine. ”
“He’d better! If he doesn’t, be sure to tell me, and I’ll make sure he learns a good lesson.” She put her arms around me, holding me as tightly as she could while still allowing me to breathe.
So much for pretending everything was normal.
I wanted to stay stiff, corporate Allegra, but a few seconds later, I let myself melt into her touch. It was like a brick wall crashing down and sunlight surrounding me.
I wish there was something like that I could do for my heart.
For the first time in my life, I truly understood why people drank to “numb the pain.” I closed my eyes as a wave of empathy for my mother washed over me.
Yes, she always had her issues, even before Dad died, but I remembered so much good with her in the early days.
She was infatuated with Dad, stuck to him like glue whenever he was home.
When he had to go back on the road, she’d scream, fight, throw things, whatever she could do to try and get him to stay.
When he left, she’d lock herself in her room for days, wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t leave for nothing, even me.
When Dad died, Mom truly thought her world had ended. I was just the memory of her grief that she was forced to love in the wake of her dead husband. I was the burden she had to carry every day after the funeral.
So yes, my mom had it rough when the love of her life died.
But she didn’t have to watch him die in front of her eyes.
She didn’t have to see her father’s last dying breath every time she fell asleep.
She had it a hell of a lot better than her daughter did.