Magnolia #2
I scoff a little, unsure if he’s playing dumb or if he truly doesn’t see how this could hurt me. “Sorry if I’m not ready to meet the woman you chose over me.”
Lukas taps the brake, the truck immediately slows, and he flips on the blinker as he pulls to the side of the road. My heart rate quickens, sweat gathering on my palms as I brush them nervously over my thighs.
He spins to face me, one arm slung over the steering wheel, the other resting on the seat beside us. “Is that really what you think?”
I shrug once, knowing that if I try to speak, I’ll break down.
He sighs, reaching over to pull one hand from my thigh. He squeezes it briefly before letting go, and my skin misses his touch the moment he releases it.
“I’ve told you a little about the relationship I had with Candi,” he says.
“I know it was a shock to you. And if I was in your situation, if the roles were reversed, I would have lost my mind, believe me.” He sighs heavily and presses his palms flat on the seat between us, fingertips stretching outward.
“If I tell you something, can I trust you not to tell a single soul? It’s not something I want to share, and I’m not sure if it’ll make you feel better, or if you’ll be even more disgusted with me.
” His crystal eyes dart to mine, and the vulnerability in them makes me curious, desperate to hear what he wants to say.
I nod slowly, and he watches, nodding once as if agreeing that we’re doing this.
“I was with Candi at my lowest point,” he starts, and his gaze leaves mine to look out the window. “I was drinking every day, sometimes cracking that first beer was the only reason I’d get out of bed each morning.”
I cringe at that, my mind flashing back to the phone calls I’d get from him once he had been drinking. His words were slurred, personality numbed. The Lukas I knew and loved was nowhere to be found.
“I started smoking pot pretty regularly, too. Anything to numb myself, anything to kill the anxiety, really.”
“Anxiety over what?”
“Everything. You were dating someone, and I hated how those thoughts filtered in and out of my head all damn day. I’d imagine you laughing with this faceless man, kissing him, him getting to…
” he trails off, shaking his head. “I thought about the military, the war, the shit I had to do. Basically, everything that could hurt me, I let myself dwell on. Drinking and getting high was my only release. The only time my mind was numb enough to forget what I had done. I took Candi to dinner at a nice restaurant for our first date. I made small talk, tried to be normal, but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to do anything sober… ”
I grimace, not liking the feeling of even hearing how messed up he was. I knew it, some of it, at least, but hearing him talk about it feels dirty. Wrong.
“Candi and I only dated for a few weeks, but anytime we were … together … I wasn’t there in the head, if you know what I mean.”
I freeze, and Lukas picks up on it, his hand moving along the seat to come rest toward mine, tentatively testing the waters to see if I’m going to flinch.
“All of my memories with her are fuzzy, blurred. And knowing I treated a woman like that, and that my daughter was conceived in that way, on a night where I purposely drugged myself numb is a type of self-hatred that I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for.
I mean, Christ, the condom likely broke, and I didn’t even realize it. ”
“Lukas … I—”
His hand is placed on top of mine, and he squeezes once. “Before you tell me it’s okay, there’s more.”
He swallows, his throat working through a lump that’s probably similar to the one brewing in mine.
“The night Ivy was born,” he starts, sniffling once.
“The night Ivy was born was life changing. It’s a weird feeling, almost. When I found out Candi was pregnant, I went through all sorts of emotions.
I was terrified to be a father. Worried I wouldn’t be the type of man my dad and Pops are.
I was worried that since Candi and I weren’t together, she’d try to push me away.
She was dating Rick, and they were talking about moving in together.
It would have been so easy for me to become the odd man out.
I couldn’t imagine what it was like to be a parent.
You can plan all you want, but the moment you hold that brand-new baby in your hands for the first time, everything shifts. ”
His head swivels to face me. “That night, I was sitting on the shitty two-seater couch in the hospital room. Rick had left to try to get a few hours of sleep since he had clinic appointments the next morning. It was just me and Candi. She had finally fallen asleep after a brutal labor. Ivy was born in the middle of the night, and she had been in labor most of the day before, so I made sure to stay awake so I could watch over Ivy.” His hands come out in front of him, palms up, fingertips curling as he stares at them.
“I had my daughter, finally, in my hands. I was looking at this beautiful, perfectly healthy baby, and I was so happy. So fucking happy. I was staring at Ivy’s face, terrified that if I blinked, I’d miss something.
And then she started to do this cute, scrunched face when she was trying to wake up.
Like she wanted her eyes to crack open, but she was too tired, and I went to call out, so that her mom could see how cute she was.
” He swallows thickly. “Wouldn’t you believe that I went to call your name? ”
A gasp is caught in my throat, and Lukas turns, eyes dark as he watches me.
“I felt my lips curl into one another.” His fingertips come up to ghost over his top lip, as if he can still physically feel how that felt.
“They vibrated with the mmm, and my heart nearly stopped in my chest. I had just watched Candi go through something so intense, so physically and emotionally demanding, and it was like my brain still wouldn’t accept that it wasn’t you lying in that hospital bed recovering. ”
My throat burns, eyes sting. It feels odd to talk about something like that when we aren’t together anymore, but that was my first thought, too: It was supposed to be us.
“Candi was sleeping, and thank fuck she was, because she didn’t hear me almost call her your name.” His voice cracks, and he pauses, pulling his top lip between his teeth and working it back and forth.
“I felt so many things at once. Grateful Candi was safe, and thankful Ivy was healthy. Grateful that even though we aren’t together, I still got to be there and hold my baby for the first time.
” His gaze is glued to the space between us, and he picks at a tiny loop in the fabric, one that’s begging to be pulled free.
“All I could think at that moment was that it should have been you, Mags. It was always supposed to be you and me having kids together. It was supposed to be you who I coached through the birth. I was supposed to kiss you on the head, not watch Rick kiss Candi. And I wanted to be so happy for the moment I was in, and in some ways, I was, but I hated myself, Mags.” He looks up at me, the gaze between us so intense he breaks it immediately to look out the windshield.
I watch his side profile, the movement of his Adam’s apple as he swallows, and I stare, mesmerized.
Terrified to hear what he’s going to say next, but at the same time, desperate to know everything.
“I hated that, at one point in my life, I had everything I could have ever wanted, and I let one bad time, one situation, ruin everything. I let it catch fire and burn everything else I loved. And I hate myself for it. I hate myself for the way I treated you, for the way I pushed you away, and then let you go. You think you can’t forgive me?
Then join the club, Mags, because I can’t forgive myself. ”
I reach for his hand, my thin petite one covering his broad one. I don’t squeeze it, don’t hold it, not yet, but I need to touch him, to tie myself to him in the same way I’ve been working so hard to break.
“I can admit that ruined us,” he says, his baritone voice filling the otherwise deathly silent cab.
“I can admit that I pushed you away and let you down and all that, but I won’t ever pretend that all my thoughts weren't of you. You have been all I’ve ever thought about, even when I desperately wished you weren't. So, no, there was no choosing another woman over you. There was only desperation to fill a void. And I’m sorry, Mags. I’m so fucking sorry.”