Lukas
DECEMBER
In the months that followed my trip to France and to Mags, I don’t think I’ve stopped smiling.
I smile to myself as I fall asleep each night.
I’m smiling when Ivy wakes me up screaming at two in the morning.
I smile to myself while I feed the animals.
I smile to myself when I’m shoveling shit out of the horse barn.
I’m smiling to myself even now, as I’m blowing the thigh-deep snow in front of my parents’ house.
My family has noticed, obviously, and while they’re all happy for me, Theo won’t stop teasing. I cannot wait for the day when he falls in love for the first time. I will never let him forget these moments.
The snow hasn’t let up in three days, and even now as I plow through it, little ice crystals flick up, attaching themselves to my eyelashes and beard.
The sliver of skin that’s exposed on my face is red and raw, and I’m counting down the minutes until I’m done.
Until I can strip off my clothes and step into a hot shower and allow the spray to warm me up.
I’ll bet my mom is inside, making a batch of her homemade hot chocolate. A cup of that and some cookies will top off my night.
Once the last section of the driveway is clear, I power off the blower, and the hum of the motor is replaced by the whipping of the wind.
What I wouldn’t give to be back in Paris with Mags.
While they still get cold weather for wintertime over there, they barely get any snow. A light dusting, really. Something we usually see around Halloween.
I love Iowa, I do, but from now until at least the end of February, the weather is miserable.
I turn toward the house and halt when I see Theo standing on the front porch, his arms crossed over his chest and a cup of something steaming held in his palm. He looks over at me, shaking his head with an amused look on his face.
“What’s that look for?” I ask as I take the few steps to the porch, stomping my feet to knock off the excess snow from my boots.
“Nothing,” he says, bringing the mug to his lips for a slow sip. “Just never seen someone so happy to be shoveling snow before.”
“Who says I’m happy?” I reach for the mug from his palm and bring it to my lips, inhaling my mom’s hot chocolate. Perfect.
“Well, it’s a high of zero degrees today, windchill in the negative teens, and you’re out here, smiling like a giddy little schoolgirl.”
I finish off his mug of hot chocolate and shove the empty cup against his chest. “Just in a good mood, that’s all.
” I move past him and step into the house.
Inhaling a deep breath, I smell a roast that my mom must have in the oven.
My stomach rumbles already, and I realize I’ve been so busy today that I must have missed lunch, too.
“A good fucking mood all right,” Theo grumbles, following me into the house and shutting the door behind him.
He reaches for a broom that’s leaning against the wall and sweeps up the pile of snow that I tracked in with me.
“Maybe I should book a flight to Paris, see if there’s a French woman that could make me as happy as Mags makes you. ”
I don’t bother to hide my smile with that.
Smiling both because he mentioned Mags and images of her flood my mind.
And smiling at the thought of Theo falling in love with anyone.
But in a way, maybe he’d like a long-distance relationship.
Getting to see the person you care about once every few months, if you're lucky, might be the type of commitment he could handle.
I shuck off my jacket, hanging it on one of the brass hooks that line the wall under the stairs.
Slipping off the straps of my overalls, I let them hang around my waist as I prop my hands on my hips.
“Want me to ask Mags if she has any friends available? Ones that are looking for a life-long bachelor.” I pretend to look him over from head to toe.
“One that’s looking worse for wear these days, mostly gray hair, his only positive attribute is his younger, better-looking brother. ”
I squint, leaning in to look closer at his face. “And one that apparently is going through puberty. Nice little stash, by the way.” I raise a finger to point at the mustache he’s starting to grow, and he swats at my hand.
“It’s only been a few days, give it a week or so, and it’ll be full Tom Selleck style. It’ll drive women mad.”
“Is that so,” I deadpan, leaning over to untie my boots, and Theo takes that moment to wrap his arm around my head, snaking me into a headlock.
“Careful, little brother,” he grunts, stumbling backward when I lean into him, using my weight to shove him to the side. His opposite shoulder hits the wall with a thud, and I use that moment to wrap my arm around his leg, pulling him to the ground.
We thrash back and forth, and I manage to lock my legs around his. He still has half a grip around my neck when the front door swings open, nearly hitting us both in the head.
“Mom!” Harper shouts, kicking off her boots and stripping her fur-lined jacket off. She tosses the jacket on top of us, stepping over our mess as she heads toward the kitchen. “Come get your children, they’re acting like animals!”
Theo’s hand swings out, trying to grab her by the ankle but narrowly missing. I tighten the grip my legs have around his thighs, and he grunts, squeezing my neck with one arm and shoving Harper’s jacket to the side with the other.
“Truce?” he grunts, and I push through one last ditch effort to see if I have any energy left before grunting my own truce.
On the count of three, we let go, both of us sighing with relief and lying on the floor. I roll to my back and stare up at the ceiling. “When did we get old?” We used to wrestle for hours without even breaking a sweat.
“You and me both,” he says, just as my phone rings from somewhere in the distance.
My hand flies to my chest, to my pants, and I slap the outside of my thighs only to remember that it’s in my jacket pocket. Hopping to my feet, I fumble as I step toward the wall. I reach out and fish through my side pocket, pulling out my phone and pressing it to my ear.
“Mags, sweetheart?” I rush out. It’s a little late for her there. I hadn’t expected to get a call from her tonight, just a quick text to say she’s home from rehearsal and headed to bed.
“Is this a bad time?” Her voice is soft, low, and it sounds like she’s been crying.
“No, no, not at all. I was just showing Theo who’s the boss.”
Theo laughs at that. “Don’t listen to him, Mags! He’s gone soft!”
I pretend to lift a leg to kick at him, and he brings his hands to his face, body curling in, and I smile at his mock bravery.
I leave Theo still lying on the floor in the entryway as I take the stairs two at a time, not stopping until I shut my bedroom door behind me.
“What’s going on, baby? Everything okay?”
“Yeah,” she quivers. “Just had a bad day and wanted to talk.”
Even though I’m still covered in sweat from snow-blowing and wrestling Theo, my entire body breaks out in goosebumps. “What happened?”
“I fractured my foot again.”
My heart sinks, and I turn, popping down on the edge of the bed with a heavy sigh.
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart.” I scrub a hand over my face in frustration.
Mags has been dealing with that sore foot for weeks now.
She’s spent extra time with PT, ice, heat, nerve stimulation.
You name it, and she’s tried it. But this is her third fracture, likely to the same area, and each fracture seems to be harder to heal.
“I’m so angry, Lukas. I should have listened to my body. I should have taken it easy yesterday. I felt off all day and landed wrong after a jump. It was a stabbing pain, so intense I crumbled to the ground. It normally isn’t like that.”
“I’m so sorry, Mags. Did you see the specialist yet?”
“I should have known better,” she cries, ignoring my question. “I knew something was off. I knew it, Lukas. I was pushing through anyway, for some dumb reason.”
“Because you didn’t want to admit that you couldn’t do it,” I add. “I get that, sweetheart, and I think that’s the athlete mindset in you.”
I think she mumbles a soft, ”yeah,” then I can hear her sniffling, and I wish I could be there for her. Wish I could wrap my arms around her and hold her. I wish I could hold her hand at her doctor’s appointment.
And then an idea sparks. Why can’t I?
“Anyways,” she says, pushing out a heavy breath. “I went to the ER last night, and they confirmed with an x-ray that it’s fractured. I’m in a boot again. I should be getting a call from the specialist’s office for a follow-up appointment.”
“I’m coming to see you.”
“What? No, Lukas. I’m just being a baby. This isn’t worth another trip out here. Don’t flip your world upside down just for me.”
“Mags. I want to be there for you.” Even if it is a minor fracture, the mental toll that an injury takes on an athlete can be the hardest part.
“When you came to me after I fucked up my shoulder, do you realize what that did for me?” I was spiraling.
Classic Lukas, I was refusing to talk about it.
Refusing to listen to anyone, dosing myself with pain pills and not caring who I hurt in the process.
She flew through the night to be with me.
“When you first fractured your foot and I was deployed, I barely gave you an ounce of attention during that phone call.” And now that I know what I know now, how my attitude and selfish reaction started splintering our relationship, I want to do it right this time.
“I hope it isn’t as bad of a fracture as before,” I continue. “I don’t ever want to see you hurt, but I want to be there for you. I need to, I think, for both of us. I want to replace that memory for us.”
She pauses for a minute, seeming to soak in my words. “What about Ivy? Isn’t this your weekend with her?”
“Yeah.” I scrub a hand over my forehead.
Candi and Rick are going away for the weekend.
Their first time actually away from Ivy.
“I wouldn’t be able to get out there for a week or two.
Even if you’re managing just fine, I want to do this, Mags.
Maybe I can come to your follow-up appointment or something. ”
“I’d like that,” she finally says, and I grin.
“You’ll have me?” I tease, and she finally releases a laugh. It’s soft, weak, but still a laugh. “And hey, looks like we get to spend an early Christmas together.”
Winter is the busiest time for a ballerina.
She normally has back-to-back performances in the days leading up to Christmas and on Christmas day itself.
We decided that it wouldn’t be worth it to fly out there, as I’d be away from Ivy and my family, and she wouldn’t get a real break, anyway.
Even though my stomach churns at the thought of her being injured again, I’m happy we’re getting this unexpected time together.
“I can’t wait to see you. You still haven’t told me what you want for Christmas.”
A squeal comes from downstairs, followed by a thud so loud the lamp on my bedside table rattles. Sounds like Theo and Harper are back at it.
“I already told you what I want.”
“Me isn’t an appropriate answer, Lukas.”
I grin as I stand, opening my bedroom door and perking an ear, listening to Harper taunt Theo as she likely has him pinned already. “You wrapped in tinsel is.”
“You’re terrible.” She giggles.
“Naw,” I tell her, starting down the stairsteps. “Just a man in love.”