Magnolia
JANUARY
“How has she been sleeping?”
I pour fresh coffee into two mugs, carefully setting one on the bar top for Raymond. I reach for the milk, splashing some into my cup before I slide it over to him.
His bloodshot eyes told me everything I needed to know when he arrived at my apartment earlier, but I assume that’s relatively normal when you have a five-month-old baby.
“What’s sleep?” he mumbles, bringing the steaming cup to his lips for a sip.
He blows once, careful not to burn himself as he takes his first drink.
“People talk about how exhausting the newborn phase is, and they’re right.
We expected to wake up a lot. I thought I knew what exhaustion with some of our intense training schedules, but this is a level of exhaustion I still can’t get used to. ”
Sylvia squawks her agreement, her chunky little body bouncing on Raymond’s thigh. She leans forward, trying to reach for his cup of coffee, but he pulls it away, offering her a rattle toy instead.
“I wonder when a new parent starts to feel like themselves again.” Ivy turns a year old at the end of this month, and from what Lukas has said, she sleeps through the night for the most part, but that’s a new occurrence.
They have gone through almost an entire year of waking up two or three times to change her, feed her, or just to hold her.
I imagine at that point, even sleeping four or five hours in a row feels like a win.
“I’ll let you know when that happens,” he teases. He reaches for his cup of coffee and takes another drink, followed by an exaggerated yawn. “How’s your cowboy doing? How’s Ivy?”
I smile into my cup. “They’re both wonderful. Ivy turns one at the end of the month, and I plan to fly home for a few days for her first birthday party.”
He nods at that. “How has the distance been treating you two?”
“It’s…” Difficult. Frustrating. Everything it was before. We’re making it work, and our communication is better than it’s ever been, but it’s hard not getting to see the person you love the most every day, or even every month. “It’s not fun, but we’re making it work, I’ll just say that.”
“He shares custody, right? There’s no way he and Ivy could move here?”
“Noooo, nope. Shared custody.” And not that I’d ever ask, but I know Lukas wouldn’t ever live away from Ivy. The few miles from the Hart farm to town is hard enough on him.
“So, what’s the plan then, Magnolia?” I glance up, finding Raymond's copper eyes fixated on me. “Are you guys going to do this for the next ten years? Are you going to retire early? Are you going to move back to the States and dance there?”
Those are all questions I’ve asked myself over and over again since Lukas and I have been back together.
My feelings change each day. Sometimes, I can’t imagine ever dancing for another company that isn’t the Paris Opera Ballet.
Some days, I’m so sore and tired and frustrated with how my body has weakened that I want to give it up altogether.
“There isn’t a ballet career for me if I move to Copper Ridge, that I know.
” I learned as a young kid that to have any sort of ballet career meant having to travel.
Even when we moved to Copper Ridge to be closer to Nana, my parents still religiously drove me to and from practice and rehearsals, sometimes hours at a time.
When Lukas and I started dating and he had his license, he shared some of the driving. Moving back home to him means no more ballet, at least not what I’m used to. Maybe I could live in the city. We’d still be long distance but see each other more often.
“Basically, he can’t move here, and if I want to continue to dance, I can’t move there, so we’re stuck.” I force a pained laugh, hoping it’ll prevent the tears from following.
Raymond reaches his hand across the table, wrapping his fingers around my wrist and squeezing. “There’s no rush, you know. I doubt Lukas would ever let you go. It might be a few more years before you get your dream, but the wait will be worth it, won’t it?”
I nod at that, slowly at first. “Nana says that when it’s time for me to make that change, I’ll know it.”
He squeezes my wrist once more before letting go. “She’s a brilliant woman.” He yawns again, looking at his watch and noticing the time. “I’m sorry. I should be getting us home. She’ll need a nap soon, and if I’m lucky, I can sneak a quick one in, too.”
“Why don’t you let me watch her for a few hours?” I gesture to the couch behind him. “Lie down, take a little nap. I think I can manage to occupy my sweet girl and feed her if needed.” I make googly eyes at Sylvia, and she giggles, her hand reaching out to squeeze my cheek.
“Do you really mean that?” Raymond asks with a glint of hope to his words. “You don’t have to, really. I wasn’t whining for attention earlier; I was just venting to a friend.”
I’m already reaching for Sylvia, and when her arms dart out, I pull her to my chest, bouncing her as she gets settled.
“I know you were, but that’s what I’m here for.
I feel guilty that I didn't demand it sooner.” I’ve visited Raymond and Ronaldo weekly since she arrived.
Most times, it’s a weekend when Ronaldo is home from work.
I hadn’t realized how many weekdays Raymond is doing it all alone, plus the majority of the night wakings.
I should be doing more to help out my friend.
I move over to my small corner cabinet and pull out a throw blanket, tossing it on the couch.
“Couch, now.” I snap my fingers, pointing to the two-seater couch that will likely be way too small for him.
But with the way he’s looking, he’d probably curl up on the floor if it meant some peace and quiet.
He downs the rest of his coffee, setting the mug on the counter before crossing over to the couch. “You’re sure?”
I nod, pressing my lips to Sylvia’s head. She’s already leaning against me, body falling limp, and I have a feeling she will soon be out cold. “I’m sure. I might take this one on the balcony, bundle us up, and sit outside for some fresh air.”
He nods, watching from his spot on the couch as I rifle through her diaper bag, finding a thicker blanket and her pacifier. She reaches for the pacifier, popping it into her mouth, and when I wrap the blanket around her shoulders, she melts into me further.
“You’re going to be a great mother someday, Magnolia,” Raymond whispers. I had been reaching for the open cabinet to pull out a bigger blanket for myself, and my hand freezes midair. I look over at my friend, his eyes lidded and half asleep. “The best, and I hope I’m around to see it.”