Chapter Seventeen Zoey
My apartment feels different when I arrive home Sunday evening.
Leaving Sirona Isle was harder than I thought it’d be. It felt like I was leaving a part of myself behind. Or maybe just the person I was when I arrived.
Only a week had passed on that island, but I felt like I’d changed in ways that were irreversible.
Rolling my suitcase into my bedroom, I heaved it onto the bed and opened it up. I knew that if I didn’t unpack right away, I’d end up walking past the suitcase for days, putting off dealing with it until I wanted to wear something inside of it.
Bundling the dirty clothes in my arms, I shoved them all into the hamper in the bathroom. On my way back to the bed to grab my toiletries out of the suitcase, I passed a chair in the corner of the room.
I didn’t sit there often, and I tended to toss my jackets or purse onto it.
What caught my eye today was a sweatshirt that belonged to Ford.
I’d borrowed it the last time I stayed the night because it was an unexpectedly chilly morning when I left his place to come home.
It was nothing special, just an old one with University of Illinois printed on the front, but the sight of it made a heavy weight sink into my chest.
Picking it up, I brought it to my nose and inhaled the scent of cedar and amber. Ford’s cologne.
An overwhelming barrage of emotions made my knees feel weak, and I sank into the chair with a sigh. I wanted to feel confident in my decision to reject Ford, but life wasn’t that easy. I’d gone back and forth between regret and hope all day long.
The truth was that I didn’t know what I wanted because I still loved the man, but it felt dangerous to believe in us again. I didn’t want to always worry that any happiness we found together would be paid for in pain when he made a decision that hurt me again.
It had been hard to tell him that we weren’t going to work out because last night had been nearly perfect. We recreated the best of our time together, and if I could’ve stayed on that island with him forever, existing in a bubble that real life couldn’t touch, I probably would have.
But this was real life, not a fairy tale.
Folding the sweatshirt, I stood and placed it back on the chair, telling myself I’d return it to him. Eventually.
It was hard to fully let go. After he told me about what really led to his decision to break up with me, the threat that Dr. Serrano made, I was actually touched by his concern for my career. It meant something to me that he understood how important my job was to me.
But I couldn’t just forget everything else. The shame of being kept a secret and the pain of the breakup. While I could understand that he was trying to protect my job, he took away my choice in the matter. I wasn’t okay with that.
Yet, my doubts lingered. Did we truly have no future together?
I honestly didn’t know. I felt like I needed something to happen, a way to trust him again. But I couldn’t think of anything that would give me that.
Refusing to keep dwelling on my tragic love life, I got back to the task at hand. Once I’d finished unpacking, I left my room and walked down the hallway.
This was a two-bedroom apartment, but I only ever used the other room for storage. I didn’t need it for anything else.
Until now.
Standing in the doorway of the second bedroom, I took in the boxes of holiday decorations and old stuff that I’d been meaning to donate to charity for way too long.
Then, I tried to imagine what this space could be.
Maybe I’d paint the walls light blue and put a crib against the wall opposite the window.
A rocking chair could go in the corner and there was a short stretch of wall by the closet that would probably be the perfect place for a changing table.
I could see it all. A beginning for my little blueberry—since I was now seven weeks along, I’d swapped the nickname in my mind.
The idea of having a baby was still a little daunting, but I didn’t feel so scared now.
Instead, I had a fierce determination to do better than my parents before me.
No matter what happened with Ford or my job or how pissed my brother was at the father of my child, I knew that we were all going to be just fine. This baby would be loved.