Chapter 25
ELLA
ONE YEAR LATER
Stone Dixon renamed the group Santo Survivalists
Me: Santo Survivalists? Really?
Stone: Travis has a thing for alliteration.
Travis: Hey! That wasn’t my suggestion.
Stone: You were pretty excited about it when Natalie brought it up.
Travis: Sigh. I guess I was.
Kate: We are surviving the Santos children. It fits.
Me: Well, I’m still honored to be included.
Sebastian: It’s calm in here. Don’t let them add you to the entire family group chat. It’s absolute bedlam in there.
Natalie: How has she not been added in there yet? She’s been a Santo for MONTHS!
Me: I think Leo threatened everyone.
Arianna: He did.
Hannah: I hate to tell y’all this, but I’m pretty sure Luca is adding her now.
Natalie: I’m sorry, girl. Come into this chat when you can’t handle them … and always remember to mute the group! Those fuckers start talking, and your phone will pretty much burst into flames because of the chaos.
Me: That has to be an exaggeration.
Luca Santo added Ella Langley to Santo Shenanigans
Alex: All I’m saying is, whichever one of you assholes has decided to hide pickles in our houses, once I find you, you won’t like the consequences to your actions.
Dominic: I thought we figured out it was Luca?
Leo: No one admitted to anything.
Luca: And I refused the lie detector test.
Isabella: Who has a lie detector test?
Arianna: Jesus. Who do you think?
Alex: Since none of us have actually seen it, I think Leo is bluffing.
Me: I’ve seen it.
Leo: I love you, Ladybug. And I’m sorry I couldn’t keep you out of this chat any longer. I’ve been outvoted.
Me: It’s okay. Now that Rose is one, I’m sure I can handle this group chat.
Leo: Famous last words.
Luca: SEE? I fucking told you guys he calls her Ladybug!
Hannah: Honey, it’s not that big of a deal.
Kate: I think it’s adorable.
Natalie: Have you really seen the lie detector test?
Sebastian: Does anyone know how to administer it?
Leo: Obviously.
Stone: All of this because of a pickle.
Arianna: Hey, Hannah, did you ever track down that missing hat of Luca’s? From when he won the Cup?
Hannah: No. That stupid marmot has a hidden cave somewhere full of his spoils.
Alex: He stole underwear from someone in this family, right?
Arianna: Me.
Kate: He’s gotten a couple of my bras, I think.
Me: How on earth is this marmot getting into your houses?
Kate: I had them air drying outside.
Arianna: Umm … I’m not sure I want to ask why.
Hannah: I totally want to know why.
Dominic: The sun is a natural stain remover.
Leo: What kind of stain did you need to remove?
Dominic: There were … multiple stains.
Sebastian: Good God.
Stone: Did it work?
Dominic: Did what work?
Alex: The sun, dumbass. Did it remove the stains?
Kate: We don’t know, because Mason took off with them.
Isabella: Mom’s birthday is coming up. Who wants to host?
Luca: Not us. We hosted for Dad’s birthday.
Alex: I’m renovating our kitchen cabinets right now, so we’re not able to host.
Natalie: Is that what we’re calling it now? Renovating?
Alex: Sunflower, I was giving us an out. Throwing me under the bus right now? Not cool.
Leo: No one comments on him calling Natalie Sunflower, but I’m not allowed to call my wife Ladybug?
Travis: We never said you weren’t allowed to call her that. It’s just cute. And sweet. And very un-Leo-like.
Isabella: We can host, but that means we won’t host Christmas.
Dominic: Actually, I wanted to run it past everyone. I thought we could do Christmas at Everlasting this year. There’s too many of us to handle at Christmas. We can just open up one of the large banquet rooms, then have the meal catered so none of us have to cook.
Kate: None of “us” have to cook. Okay.
Dominic: Katharine, go ahead and read Alex’s last text. It also applies here.
Hannah: It’ll be really easy to plan for that at Everlasting.
Arianna: I’m fine with that.
Arianna: Can any of you babysit on Saturday?
Arianna: Seriously? No takers?
Arianna: My kids are gorgeous, loving creatures. Your nieces and nephew.
Leo: With all due respect, Ari, there’s four of them. We all have kids. It becomes a basketball game with only one ref.
Arianna: Yet I seem to handle taking on your kids just fine.
Me: You’ve never babysat mine.
Arianna: Because you won’t let me.
Leo: It has to be a safety hazard for one woman to have seven children by herself.
Arianna: Stone is there too! He’s not completely incapable.
Stone: Thanks, Princess. I appreciate the vote of confidence in my ability to adult around children.
Sebastian: Is there an actual ratio for adults-to-children in these situations?
Me: Yes. Depending on the age, it’s usually something like one adult to fifteen children. The younger the kids, the lower the ratio.
Leo: Did you know that info, or did you google it?
Me: Both?
Hannah: I love that you’re not sure of the answer.
Alex: I’ve found another pickle. STOP HIDING FUCKING PICKLES IN MY HOUSE, LUCA
Luca: I swear it wasn’t me this time!
Sebastian: Christ Almighty. I just found a pickle behind Isabella’s coffee cup in the cabinet.
Natalie: Guys! I saw Mason, and I’m following him into the forest. Maybe I’ll find his lair!
Alex: Baby, that’s not a good idea. Are you alone? Not cool.
Luca: I don’t think she’s alone. I’m fairly positive Hannah is with her.
Stone: Arianna snuck out ten minutes ago.
Leo: Do they have a separate girls chat?
Dominic: Obviously. We have a chat as well.
Dominic: Also, I can’t find Kate.
Leo: Ella isn’t answering my texts or calls.
Sebastian: How the fuck did they all skip out at the same time, without us noticing?
Leo: We were too busy talking about pickles and lie detector equipment.
Leo: I wish I could leave this chat, but I know you’ll just pop me right back in here.
Alex: If we all have to be in here, you do as well. Honestly, we’re lucky Mom, Dad, and Nonna aren’t in here. They never shut up.
Nonna: Clearly I shut up just fine, Alessio. I’ve been silently reading this text chain for months.
Nonna: Your wives just sent me a picture of them beside a marmot burrow.
Nonna: They’ve found Mason’s lair.
Nonna: Oh my.
Luca: What?
Dominic: Nonna, spit it out! Katharine won’t answer my calls.
Nonna: There are pups.
Alex: Come again?
Nonna: You have children, Alessio. Clearly you understand the concept of procreation.
Stone: I think what he’s trying to say is, where is Mason’s wife, partner, spouse, etc.?
Leo: I think she means Mason is the mother.
Travis: For fuck’s sake. No one ever checked to see if Mason was male or female?
Sebastian: I don’t know about you, but I’m staying the hell away from a feral marmot. I don’t care if it’s a male or female.
Luca: Well, I fucking care! That fucker has taken so many of my things.
Hannah: Relax. I got your hats back. Most of them. I left one. She seemed pretty attached to it, and one of the babies was napping in it. Quite cute, actually.
Me: That was so exciting! Is this typical for a Santo event? Sneaking out to track down a wild animal?
Leo: I wish I could say no, but there’s really no telling with this family.
Leo: Welcome home, Ladybug.
Me: This is the best day ever! Can we get a pet marmot?
Leo: No.
Me: Aw, shucks. Why not?
Luca: I’ve got a connection who can get you a boatload of guinea pigs if you’re interested.
Me: Ooooooo! Guinea pigs!
Leo: No.
Natalie: Let’s all get guinea pigs! We could have little piggy play dates!
Hannah: You should see the setup Luca’s friend Jax has. There’s an entire room in his apartment for his piggies.
Kate: I’m totally on board with the guinea pigs.
Isabella: Me too!
Gianna: Why did I wake up to one hundred text notifications?
Me: Why the hell are you napping right now? You missed all the fun!
Stone: I just found another pickle. What the actual fuck.
Luca: Okay. That one was me.
Stone: So you’ve pickled my house, AND you suggested we should all get guinea pigs?
Stone: Payback is a fucking bitch, Luca.
Dominic: Never a dull day in the Santo Shenanigan group chat.
Leo: I apologize now for what my wife just sent all of your spouses.
Travis: Seriously? You can buy actual outfits for guinea pigs?
Sebastian: Christ Almighty. We’re never going to talk them out of it now.
Leo: Gianna, why were you napping the entire day?
Leo: And why were you napping most of yesterday?
Leo: And why did you get sick right before we met for lunch two days ago?
Me: GIANNA SANTO ANDERSON do you have something you would like to tell the class??
Gianna: Well, we’d hoped to wait until Mom’s birthday to tell everyone, but I guess now is as good a time as any.
Gianna: I’m four months pregnant.
Dominic: That’s amazing!
Alex: Congratulations, sis. I’m so happy for you.
Natalie: Another Santo baby!
Kate: Putting it out there now, I think it’s a girl!
Hannah: I’m so excited for another little one to love on!
Me: Rose literally just turned one, Hannah.
Hannah: I said ANOTHER. There can never be too many babies to cuddle.
Arianna: Agreed! Congrats, Gia!!
Leo: Sometimes I hate this twin connection we have.
Sebastian: Even through text?
Leo: It works across the country, Seb. Our connection is weird.
Leo: You got something else to share, sis?
Travis: We’re excited to announce that there will be TWO babies joining our family later this year.
Leo: It’s a boy and a girl, isn’t it?
Gianna: It is. Can you believe it? Almost forty and pregnant with twins.
Me: Is Carson excited?
Gianna: Over the moon … except for the baby sister part.
Leo: He’ll get over it. I managed it just fine.
Gianna: I was born like five minutes after you, Leonardo. Stop acting like you made this big sacrifice.
Me: I really love this group chat.
Leo: I really love you, Ella Santo.
Me: And I really love you, Leo Santo.
Luca: (gushing) Aren’t you guys the cutest! Now can someone go help my wife bring home all of my Denver Wolves memorabilia that Mason stole from me?
Luca: Please?
Luca: Anyone?
Arianna: I will.
Arianna: But you’re babysitting my kids this weekend.
Alex: I fucking love this family.
Nonna: There will be more Santo babies.
Alex: Not from me.
Dominic: Or me.
Luca: We’re cool with two.
Isabella: I will not have another baby. Pregnancy wasn’t for me.
Leo: Shit.
Me: Oops?
Gianna: ARE WE PREGNANT AT THE SAME TIME, ELLA?
Me: The more the merrier, right?