55. Kendra
Kendra
“It doesn’t look the same, it doesn’t feel the same, it doesn’t look the same, it doesn’t feel the same,” I whisper to myself, standing outside the back door of my kitchen.
I can hear the laughter, various tool sounds, and the low hum of alternative rock music pulsing from the crew working inside.
East Shore Construction has been here daily, diligently and respectfully putting in the long hours to bring the vision Easton and I planned out—at least I think that’s what they’ve been doing.
I’ve yet to go look at the work. For all I know they have been playing video games to a hammer soundtrack all day making me assume there’s real work happening.
Easton would never allow that though; he’s as serious about his company as Keller is about tattooing. They each found their own passion and have built amazing businesses that fit their lives and personalities perfectly.
My fear has my feet cemented to the back steps, but it’s the sound of Eli’s deep voice and his bright laughter that has me twisting the handle of the door, giving me the courage to go inside.
Because inside of the home my nana created there was always joy, even in the midst of painful seasons.
Hearing Eli now reminds me of that truth.
I can’t allow one painful, horrible memory to overrun the happiness that has flowed inside the cabin for decades.
The work and talking immediately halts as I open the door.
I don’t know why I expected to walk back into my same space even after my pep talk.
The kitchen is gutted and the guys are working on putting up fresh drywall.
A new support beam has been added to the area that was once a wall that separated the kitchen and formal dining room that I never used.
I wanted to have a bigger kitchen, my dream pantry, and just one eating area—keeping my nana’s antique eat-in table that Easton carefully removed and preserved before demo started.
Dust from the construction is floating in the sunlight coming from a new, larger window that my white farmhouse sink will go under.
My heart rate picks up and I feel a bit dizzy.
“Sweetheart.” Eli is suddenly standing in front of me, scooping my face into his hands that are grimy from the work he’s been doing, but I don’t care. “Are you okay?”
“I, I think so. It looks so weird. I mean, good. But, I just didn’t expect it to look like this even though I knew what was happening. That’s so stupid.” I squeeze my eyes shut.
Eli kisses my forehead with a gentleness that a six-foot-four man shouldn’t be able to possess.
“No it’s not, this is a big deal, and planning something and seeing it are two totally different things.
” He tucks some hair behind my ear that didn’t make it into my messy bun today, and I take in his earnest expression.
“What do you have there?” He nods to the plastic bags in my hand.
“Oh, I got y’all some sandwiches from the Den. I wanted to say thanks for your hard work.” I smile at him when his eyes sparkle at the mention of his favorite lunch.
I have no clue what any of the other guys like, but I know what my guy likes. It feels weird and thrilling to say that and to do something about it.
“You are the best.” Eli swoops down for a kiss then gathers the guys around to pass out the food, introducing them to me as he does.
Easton was on a supply run when I came in, so when he got back twenty minutes later to find me in the house for my daily progress update, not via phone, he was shocked.
“Holy shit!” Easton exclaims. “Kendra, you’re here, inside. Are you okay?”
“Yeah, East, I’m good, thanks.” I’m touched by the care of these men in my circle. “I brought you a sandwich,” I say with a smile.
“I’m grateful! Thank you.” He enthusiastically demolishes the foot-long sub in fewer bites than I thought possible.
“Slow down, buddy,” Eli jokes. “Nobody is gonna take it away from you.”
We laugh, but a shadow passes quickly over Easton’s eyes that you would have missed if you weren’t looking. He chuckles. “Yeah, yeah, I only had a protein bar and coffee for breakfast.”
“Alright,” Eli says to me carefully. “Do you want to see the rest of it?”
The rest of it, meaning the living room. Meaning where the worst of my attack happened.
“Yes,” I say, determined to take back my entire space today, no matter how hard it might be. I know I can do it because I am not alone.
I lace my fingers through Eli’s, my hand trembling as he leads me down the now shorter hallway to the open, once gutted to the studs and now rebuilt, living room.
There is not a trace of what it once was.
The furniture had all been donated, blood-soaked carpet that was cleaned but still haunted me ripped out, walls demolished and fixed.
Clean, smooth drywall where the wallpaper was before, ready to be painted.
For some reason I expected this room to be dark, still shrouded in the evil that took place here weeks ago.
Instead it’s drenched in beautiful sunlight pouring in from the front windows that my nana and I spent hours sitting in front of together reading, people watching, talking, taking on the problems life tossed in our path.
I let my mind sink into the good memories, closing my eyes to pull forward the snapshots that bring me Nana’s bright smile, and settle into Eli’s warmth as he wraps his arms around me from behind.
“Before,” he rumbles in my ear, “we never came here. I didn’t realize this was where your nana lived.
You always had me drop you off at other spots or would meet me where we planned to hang out.
But when I needed somewhere to go with Wren, when my mom told me about the house next door, and then I found out how you were going to be my neighbor .
. . I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else. ”
“Really?” I tip my head back and look into his navy eyes.
“If I couldn’t have you, I wanted to be as close to you as I could possibly get. Even if it was torture to watch you live a life without me.”
I spin around and grip his forearms. “That’s not what I want. I need you in my life.”
Kissing me softly, Eli says, “I promise to make this your sanctuary again, sweetheart.”
His words are a balm to my spirit, standing in this once-ruined space, waiting for a fresh start.
But we are getting our fresh start too, and I want us to it build together because these walls are not my only sanctuary anymore.
As soon as I made the choice to let Eli back in, something in my soul shifted, and I knew there was no going back.