Wounds of Attrition

1. Chapter One

Chapter One

Kat

Iwas here. At work. Was I here with bells on? No. But I was here.

After swallowing the fact that I’d need to start putting in double the effort with Liz and being comforted by the fact that the Donovan court date was several months from now, I sighed in relief that Basti would take care of fucking Jim.

Fucking Jim.

Like any of us needed to be dealing with HIS particular brand of misogyny when we were dealing with the damn devil coming after us from PRISON.

On the ride to the paddock, I’d dealt with all of my worried people, quickly finding out that Henry had taken care of all of them the night before.

Including letting Basti know where HE was, since that had been an issue.

Basti told me that Tam had let him know I was doing okay.

Tam had told me Henry had thought that was probably better than him doing so.

He wasn’t wrong.

Just like Tam wasn’t wrong to ask me how the night went. I told her fine. She had asked if Henry knew that, I’d told her of course.

I just couldn’t talk about it right now. Maybe tonight with a glass of wine, but right now, I just needed to work.

Tim had set me up in a better spot than at testing, which was great because I was here for about two weeks.

While the race wasn’t until the second weekend, I still had plenty to do.

And since I wasn’t touching the cars until adding the sensors right before the race, there were no restrictions on my work hours.

I looked to be in a semipermanent conference room. A small one, but I had room for my equipment, a TV on the wall to watch the track, and a conference table.

“I’m not hosting a dinner party, Tim,” I joked softly when he’d showed me in. If he’d noticed my continued limp, he hadn’t said anything. It was a lot better that the last couple days. But I knew I’d be sitting in that desk chair just about immediately after he left.

It would probably be doing a bit better if I hadn’t slept for about three hours with it crunched up under me and weight on it. But I’d do it all over again. My hip would be fine in a day or two. But getting Henry mumbling ‘bad dream’ out of my head while clinging to me would take a lot longer.

“Well, if you wanted to, you could! I figured you’d like this much better than the break room,” he joked. I certainly did. Especially the upgrade from the metal folding chair. He told me to let him know if I needed anything, but then he let me get to work. Good.

Work was where I could hide. We were being honest with ourselves, here. I’d fucked everything up with Henry, again, taken too much from him, again, and now my heart was paying for it, again. Because I knew what he’d been doing.

Did I want to go on a date with him? More than ANYTHING.

If I thought he’d actually want to be there.

He wouldn’t. I knew that. But damn if that man didn’t try.

I just couldn’t accept… anything. I couldn’t.

Anything more would break me. Well, honestly?

I’d already broken myself last night and this morning.

But anything more would make it irreparable.

Even just thinking about it was making the tears rise up to rebel against my self-control. So, I put my music on—blessedly not needing the team headset, since the cars weren’t on the track yet—and got to work.

When I looked up, I realized I’d done it again. It had been four hours, and I hadn’t moved. And I was freezing again. And look, Tam had brought me a ton of my stuff. Packed properly. I had a jacket in there somewhere, likely. Hoodies. Sweaters. But it was WARM out today.

It WAS. But something I was starting to remember from my childhood?

I was ALWAYS cold in the garage. The team had hardly gotten everything here in its specialized crates and containers.

I highly doubted someone would have already abandoned a jacket somewhere.

But a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

My sling wasn’t even keeping that arm warm. Useless.

I started poking around, careful to not get lost. Tim was around somewhere, and likely Basti, too.

But other than that, no one needed to be here yet.

So, there would be no one to help me get un-lost. But I couldn’t find a jacket anywhere.

Damn. I sighed in defeat, heading back to my conference room.

And found that there were motherfucking ghosties in this garage, too. Or likely, Tam was around somewhere. She’d said she’d head over at some point.

Because I had found a jacket, like the one I’d been stealing and losing, sitting on my chair.

And a steaming mug of milky, sweet tea sitting next to my computer.

I knew it had to be Tam, no one else would’ve trusted me with a real mug.

Strange that she’d make my tea this way, though.

As far as she knew, I drank it black. Oh, well.

Shrugging into my jacket and slurping some tea, I made a happy little noise before settling in for some more work.

Before I could put my headphones back on, though, Basti popped his head in.

“Kat, good I found you. Your voicemail is full; I’ve been trying to call you.

Just to make sure you’re settled in well.

Which I can see you are. But fix that voicemail.

Thanks,” he said, quickly hurrying on his way before I could respond.

Strange, I hadn’t thought I’d gotten any voicemails last night.

Everyone had just texted. But I went to check anyway.

I had a full voicemail box. Full of voicemails from Andrew.

All from a single date in early January.

What the fuck?

No one was around, and holding my phone to my ear hurt either my wrist or my shoulder, so I just played them on speakerphone. Then I’d clear up the space so Basti didn’t throw a bitch fit.

“Kat, hey, I don’t know where the fuck you are, but you need to get back here. Now’s not the time for whatever this is. Henry is in surgery and you are NOT here. Just… get back.” My head dropped at that. I knew I hadn’t done enough. I’d been so close, and I’d failed. Next one.

“Kat, for the love of fucking god, get the bloody fuck back here RIGHT NOW. Henry is coming out of surgery, not that you fucking care, but he’ll be coming out of anesthesia and you need to BE HERE.

NOW.” Not that I fucking care?! NOT THAT I FUCKING CARE?

! I was the reason he was alive, you motherfucker!

A tear dripped down my cheek, though. Because I didn’t want Andrew to think I didn’t care. That was… terrible. Was that what he really thought? Swiping it away, I clicked on the next one.

“KAT! KAT! Please, it hurts so bad, please, please no, please where is she? She was just here!” came through first. It was Henry. I sobbed. Then just kept sobbing. I knew he’d woken up without me, but he hadn’t been alone. He was okay. He had been okay.

“Yes, Kat, that’s the sound of my best friend screaming your name.

I was in there with him, but the doctors kicked me out because he’s thrashing around.

They had to restrain him. I’ve never seen my best friend cry Kat, but that’s what you’ve done.

I just wanted you to hear the damage you’ve caused by being a selfish CUNT.

Especially since you’d told them all he didn’t want pain meds, then ran off. Honestly, fuck you.”

I dropped my head onto my hand where it sat on the table. There were more. And I would listen to them. Because I deserved to hear the damage I had caused, just like he said. I was openly sobbing now, but I didn’t even care if someone came by. It… it was all true. LOOK what I had done.

They had needed to RESTRAIN Henry. What I’d fought to keep from happening in the ambulance.

I couldn’t imagine him waking up, unable to move again.

Thinking he was back in that warehouse. Thinking he was waiting for Donovan to come back for another round.

Or maybe just waiting for Henry to wake up so he could keep whipping him. Or stabbing him. Or beating him.

Not knowing where he was, where I was, what was happening, everything in excruciating pain. Fuck. FUCK.

I darted out of the room for the bathroom. I made it just in time. Whatever food was left from last night was gone. I hadn’t eaten since, but it didn’t matter. My stomach didn’t care. I was sobbing into the toilet, heaving into the toilet, and I couldn’t slow either of them down.

Eventually, though, I just ran out of steam. There was nothing left in me. In my stomach. My brain. My soul. But I knew that I needed to—deserved to—listen to the rest of the voicemails. Head down, feet dragging, I went back to the conference room. Sat down. And pressed play.

“I got him calmed down, finally. But he’s still so out of it and in so much pain that he can’t understand why you’re not here.

So, I keep getting to explain to my best friend that the woman he walked into a warehouse to be tortured for has abandoned him.

Good on you. Truly. Thanks for showing your true colors now, rather than waiting even longer.

I’m not even surprised. This is what you do.

You walk away, run away, push away. And I’m DONE having to pick up the pieces in your wake, only to waltz back in whenever you feel like it.

I’m NEVER letting you near my best friend again. ”

I did. I walked away in Vegas. Andrew had literally seen me do it. And I’d pushed Henry away the night of the gala. To protect him, sure. But I’d said the nastiest things I could think of to get him to walk away from my damaged ass.

My Uncle Seb had told me they were after me, and they were. He just didn’t have all of the information, it seemed. But I’d SAVED Henry. I’d done that. Until he’d thrown it all away anyway, coming for me in that warehouse. This was all my fault. I was struggling to breathe, but I continued anyway.

“You know what, I’m over it. Stay away. Never come back.

You won’t be missed by a single fucking soul anyway.

No one wants you here; no one wants you at all.

You are honestly such a fucking despicable human being.

Stay wherever you are, holed up somewhere.

Forever. Fuck I honestly hope you rolled in a ditch somewhere, honestly. What a bloody cunt.”

I played that one again. And one more time for good measure. Because… I saw Tam’s face yesterday. Right before she left the room. She was done with me. Done with my bullshit, done with all of it. And I’d only heard from Bex the one time since she’d left weeks ago, and she’d been drunk.

And we already knew Henry didn’t want me.

I wasn’t sure how he could feel obligated after what happened there in the hospital.

I was SURE Andrew hadn’t let him forget it.

After all, he was never letting me near his best friend ever again, right?

He’d be mighty pissed about the last week or so, then. But he was right.

I needed to stay away from Henry. I had literally brought him nothing but pain and suffering.

Since Vegas, since we met as kids. Every single time, all I did was damage.

Break. Steal. And I didn’t deserve anything he was trying to give me, obligation or no.

I deserved… this. I deserved this. I hit play again.

“What the fuck is-“

“Mate, let’s go, we don’t have time-“

I heard in two British accents outside my door. I froze. I hadn’t thought any of the drivers would be around today. I had thought they had the time off. And now… now. No. I couldn’t do that.

“What the fuck are you saying in-“

“She deserves every fucking word, mate. Don’t test me.”

But then a third voice joined the mix. A sweet, Spanish-accented voice.

“What’s going on? Why is Kat crying in there?” Milo asked, sounding confused.

“I don’t know-“

“She’s fine, Milo.”

“She doesn’t look it,” he responded simply, concerned now. Another sob escaped. Glad to know I looked as shitty as I felt.

“We need to go, mate. We don’t have time for this bullshit,” Andrew said urgently to Henry.

“But what-I don’t understand what’s going on. Did you just… did you call Kat a cunt? What the-“

“We are going to be late for the press conference. Let’s GO.”

“I’ve got her, Henry. I’ll take care of her, it’s okay,” Milo said gently. Yes. Just go, Henry. I don’t deserve your time, your care, even your pity, anyway. He owed me not one single damn thing. Even as I felt something sharp stab at my heart at the thought of him just leaving me here. Like this.

Suddenly, I realized I didn’t want to be around ANY of them right now. I grabbed my phone, swiped at my face again, and stepped out of the room.

“Kat-“ Henry started, sounding desperate. But Andrew cut him off again.

“Mate, she’s not worth your time. She deserves this. She deserves everything she gets. Including what looks like a fucking car crash recently.”

“Andrew fucking STOP what are you doing?! And what about a car crash?” Henry yelled, starting to get angry on my behalf.

I was simply walking away, head down. Don’t get angry on my behalf, Henry.

Keep your loyal friend. And just leave me be.

Leave me here, while you go be happy. I sobbed.

Milo said something to me, but I didn’t hear him. The only person I heard was Andrew.

“Go ahead, run away, just like you always do,” he sneered after me. Fuck THAT. I spun around and screamed.

“What do you fucking want from me?! Stay? Go? What do you WANT?!”

All three of them stared at me dumbfounded, and I just walked away.