Chapter 32
Chapter thirty-two
YOU HAVE DESTROYED ME
Nuala
Just as I had never been taught how to defend myself with my power, I wasn’t privileged with any knowledge of the spells that the men in the coven had guarded so jealously.
My magic had torn out of me much too young in response to the trauma of seeing my mother burned alive and the threat of imprisonment.
I had almost destroyed the coven, and then my power was locked away to rot inside of me for decades.
Now it was a rabid beast that was good for little more than savaging the world around me.
So when I began murmuring in a foreign chant, it was with the guidance of the Dagda.
“What are you doing?” Rian asked as I knelt to put my hands on the runes. “Nuala, this is blood magic!”
I had feared as much long ago when I was told what must be done. It was why I had asked for more time since there was a good chance that Rian would kill me for this. Our relationship was not yet strong enough to weather such an unforgivable offense; and yet, I had to do it.
I didn’t answer him as all the ashes in the room began to shift, forming long ribbons that moved toward me like black snakes. I projected my voice until the sound of the ashes stirring was heard all throughout the coven.
It took an immense force of will, but soon there were countless rings of ashes circling around me with the blood of every phoenix-blooded witch in existence.
And with a commanding cry, I set fire to them again, hotter this time to burn away more of the mortality until they were even more fully purified.
The innumerable ribbons were slowly condensed into less than a handful of red powder.
“What is that?” hissed Rian who still stood over me staring at the ashes, which emanated a pulse of power.
“My ancestors were begotten by phoenixes who took mortal consorts,” I told him as I funnelled the ashes into the vial on my necklace. “This is all that remains of their divinity in our mortal bloodlines.”
Rian was silent as I slipped the shimmering vial of red ashes beneath my bodice again before slumping forward. My exhaustion was emotional and physical, but it was finally done. My retribution was complete.
My eyes were pulled back up to the sky as it darkened suddenly with storm clouds that unleashed an abrupt and violent downpour.
I was soaked to the bone in an instant, but I tilted my head back in supplication to the heavy rain.
The deluge quickly quenched my fires, washing away the filth of my vengeance, and it felt like a blessing.
I had unleashed my pain and rage, and now all I could do was mourn the broken pieces of me that had been left in the wake of my own destruction. The neglected child. The defiled woman. Those wounds that had been left to fester and rot inside me for so long that they had infected every part of me.
But I could let it go now. I wanted to let it go.
I gritted my teeth, and my fingers bit into the edges of the runes carved into stone beneath me as I tried to find a way to set free this beast. To turn it out of me and finally know some measure of peace from its vicious savagery.
Destroying the coven was supposed to make it easier to let it go, but the stubborn thing would not be uprooted. The unbearable anguish persisted.
A primal scream erupted from me so loudly it felt like it hollowed me out inside. I sagged against the cold floor, uncertain if I could endure the torment any longer.
Rian knelt down next to me, but his presence was like vinegar in a fresh wound.
“Don’t touch me. I cannot bear it,” I ground out.
He hesitated a moment before he apparently decided to disregard my wish and began pulling me into his arms.
“No,” I sobbed, trying to push away, but he moved me as if my weight and pleas meant less than nothing to him. “Let me go!” I shouted, becoming furious with him.
“No,” he snapped at me, and my struggle immediately became violent. My nails gouged at his skin and my fist collided with his jaw and then pounded against his chest. My pleading turned into a wail as the searing anguish of a rejected mate bond split me like a lightning strike.
He was supposed to be my haven. He was supposed to be my redemption. Now all his gentle voice and touch did was taunt me with all that would never be fully mine.
I grappled with him until the exhaustion overwhelmed me again, and then I had no choice but to let him hold me while I was overcome.
“You have destroyed me,” I sobbed.
“Good,” he growled, his voice gravelly even as he held me with the utmost tenderness. “We are even.”
I could no longer fight the razor-sharp yearning for the comfort he offered and sank against him with my hands clenched in his soaked shirt.
He tucked my head under his chin and began to run his hands soothingly up my back.
After many long moments, my cries finally began to quiet until we sat in silence under the rain.
“I had to make myself into little more than a corpse to survive them,” I found myself trying to explain to him.
“Anything precious that I wanted to keep safe had to be buried deep where they could never find it. Parts of me that I only took out when I was alone again in the dark. When I needed the strength to keep enduring.”
His arms tightened, rage humming to life again under his skin, but he did not interrupt me.
“They whittled away at me until all that was left were those precious pieces I was keeping safe for when I could be free. For when my life finally began. For… for you.”
I felt him stiffen, but he stayed silent and didn’t push me away, which I assumed might mean that he wanted me to continue explaining myself.
“That is why I could not tell you the truth. I was afraid that if you cut yourself free of me, then everything good and untainted that was left of me would be gone.”
I held my breath while he exhaled harshly as if I had punched him in the gut.
“I know you deserve better, someone whole who can love you selflessly enough to let you go if that is what you truly want. But you are not bonded to such a person. You are mine instead. And I will never be that selfless with you. You can hate me all you want, but I will not apologize for it,” I breathed, rushing to get the words out before he could speak.
“I wish I had something pretty and warm and soft to give you instead, but all I have to offer is a bloody mess. But it is yours, Rian. Every bruised and poisoned piece that is left of me is all yours.”
Rian was silent for a long time as the patter of the rain on the stone around us grew fainter until the clouds were finally empty. Then he nudged his nose under my jaw to turn my head so his lips could brush my ear.
“I have always found broken things to be beautiful.”
I was not sure whether to laugh or cry at his response, and so something in between came out.
He made a rough sound, and then his hands and mouth were on me, tasting of ash as he devoured and conquered me without mercy. His kiss was rough as if he meant to punish me for making him want more of me.
But he felt like home. He felt like autumn nights curled up under a familiar wool blanket. He felt like strong arms holding me as I laboured to bring forth life. He felt like the sturdy walls of a little cabin that had been built with his own hands far away from the woes of the world.
“Damn you,” he growled as his mouth moved greedily down my sensitive throat. “Damn you!”
His forehead rested against my sternum, and I felt him shudder as he drew in a harsh breath.
“I do not find you detestable, Nuala, but how am I to ever trust you when you can deceive me so effortlessly?” he demanded more softly.
“And that spell you just used? Watching you do that went against everything I claim to stand for! I can still sense that magic festering around us in the ley lines. I should kill you for such a violation!”
His voice had gone sharp with disgust, but I trusted the tenderness in his hands as he hugged me even tighter.
“I will never do it again. It had to be done that way. Never again!” I swore.
“Never again,” he repeated against my chest. Then he shook his head as if he could not believe he was going to let my transgression against the Tithriall stand.
“I am sorry. For all of it,” I whispered.
Rian was quiet for so long that I was tempted to tug his head up off my chest so I could look into his eyes.
“I have never given anyone what you want from me, and honestly, I am not confident I can,” he admitted.
“But… would you be willing to at least try?” I asked, and I did not dare to breathe as I waited for his answer.
“And what happens if I fail?” he demanded, lifting his head to pin me with breathtaking eyes. “I cannot have you killing everyone who would dare to touch me.”
“I don’t have to kill anyone.”
“But you will if they touch me,” he scoffed irritably. “Tell me, do your barbaric rules include males too?”
I glared at him, knowing that he was baiting me now, and decided to go about the conversation another way.
“Do you want men or women touching me?” I asked, and his face hardened in a way that was telling even if he did not answer me aloud.
“I will give back whatever you give me, Rian. If you are unkind, then I will show you the meaning of cruelty. If you are violent with me, then I will hurt people you love. And if you seek any other lovers, women or men, then I will show you just how little regard I have learned to show my own body.”
Rian looked at once incredulous and impressed by me before he gave a bitter laugh and tilted his head up toward the sky. My eyes traced the strong column of his throat with a sudden impulse to kiss or bite it, but I refrained.
He lowered his face again, and I held still as he lightly traced that delicious mouth along my jaw to my lips.
“You vicious little thing,” he breathed with an amused shake of his head. “That is rather brazen confidence from someone who claims to be so very broken.”
“I may be broken, but my edges are sharp, and I will not hesitate to cut you with them.”