Chapter 41 #2
“I already told you that what you want from me is not something I have ever been able to give someone before. But you asked me to try, and I do want to,” I admitted.
Her icy gaze softened and flickered over my face like she was looking for proof of my sincerity.
Then she raised her other hand to cup my face with both thumbs tracing my cheekbones while she stared up into my eyes.
My first instinct was to pull away from someone looking at me that closely, but I made myself bear her scrutiny.
“But you are still too afraid of failure to try properly,” Nuala observed soberly, and her words were like a slap. “Rian, we have hardly spoken the last two weeks because you are avoiding me, and it has been hell on my heart,” she declared when I frowned at her.
I was initially infuriated that she could dismiss how unfair this situation was for me.
I’d never wanted a mate! I’d never asked to be inflicted with the utter madness that was this relationship.
And the only reason we were even at this painful impasse was because she lied.
Had she just told me the truth, then I could have sent her away before this bond got its claws into either of us.
I opened my mouth impulsively to remind her of that, but then I remembered that sending her away would have only spared my pain.
She still would have spent most of her life waiting for me in that prison only to be cast aside before I’d bothered to know anything about her.
It did not excuse her for withholding my choice, but I understood why she had.
She’d only wanted to give us the chance that I would have denied us without a second thought.
Besides, it was not as if I were blameless.
Ciaran was right; there had been a part of me from the beginning that was drawn to Nuala.
It was unheard of for me to take personal interest in a new recruit, even if they were a particularly valuable asset.
Carrick encouraged me to care for her myself because she trusted me, but I did not need to accept his suggestion.
I’d known I would be an unfit guardian and caretaker for her, and that it would be best to assign her to a trusted handler.
And yet the mere thought of anyone else caring for her had been out of the question.
I could tell myself that it was Carrick who convinced me it was best for her, but I’d wanted to keep her close to me from the second I lifted her into my arms. And that was not her doing. It was my decision.
Nuala saw the conflict in my face and shifted closer, her thumbs running tenderly over my cheekbones again.
“Please talk to me, Rian. You don’t have to struggle with this all on your own. Please. I don’t want to do it all alone either,” she admitted with a hitch in her tone.
She let me lower my head so I did not have to face her, but her hands stayed locked with mine as they lowered to rest on her thighs.
“It is not my desire to cause you pain. I just… I fear it is inevitable. It is what I do,” I admitted softly.
She released a breath and then let her forehead rest against mine. “You don’t want me to leave you?”
“No,” I said immediately, my hand tightening on hers. While I might not know exactly what I wanted from her, this I knew for certain. I did not want her to leave.
“Why not?” she breathed like she needed to hear this from me more than she needed her next breath.
I was silent for a moment as I tried to decide how best to put all my chaotic thoughts and emotions into words.
Carrick usually had to pry my thoughts and feelings out of me, but with my magic depleted and her waiting with bated breath, I wanted to unburden myself.
I needed to. Because I really was tired of being so completely alone, and for the first time in my life, I felt like I might be able to share myself without endangering someone.
“Ciaran was right. I knew somehow. My heart knew it the moment I saw you in my dream, and my body knew it as soon as you were in my arms,” I admitted reluctantly. “You cannot leave now. I will come find you.”
Nuala gave a soft snort of amusement as her tension began to ease. “But you still don’t… want me?”
“It’s not nearly as simple as that,” I said impulsively and released a sigh as the last of my reluctance crumbled.
“No, I never wanted a mate, and now I feel I no longer have a choice about it,” I acknowledged before raising my head to meet her uncertain gaze.
“I have learned the hard way to distrust anyone who wants to be close to me and my power and… Nuala, you have to realize that you are everything I set out to destroy. You are the enemy from which I swore to protect my people, and you have not proven to be fully trustworthy or harmless,” I pointed out significantly.
“I do trust that you will be my ally when it comes time to wage war in Uile Breithà,” I added when she tried to protest. “But I am ashamed that you poisoned the Tithriall without recourse simply because I could not bring myself to do what I should have. I do not trust this unquestionable impulse to defend you to my people when they raise legitimate concerns about your effect upon me. And I hate that I am so compelled to conceal your crime from the other riders because I cannot bear the thought of how they would condemn you!”
There was a moment of quiet while we both allowed my confessions to sink in.
I was not sure I had ever been so unapologetically candid about my feelings.
But there was no denying it felt good to air the grievances without fearing that it would harm her.
And I suddenly wanted to get the rest out so maybe we could find a way through it.
“And then there is the matter of you keeping this bond from me,” I continued more gently.
I could tell Nuala was becoming emotional when she dropped her gaze and her breathing deepened.
So I lifted her hands up to my mouth and kissed her fingers to try and comfort and reassure her.
“I know why you wanted to keep it quiet. And you are not solely responsible for it because I made the choice to keep you close. But I still cannot help feeling some resentment when I know dreíocha need proximity to claim a—”
“Rian,” she interrupted, and then shook her head in frustration as she pulled her hands down from my mouth.
“Yes, Dowrra do need proximity to their mate in order to use his abilities. If you sent me away right now, I would be unable to summon your magic or use your fey senses. But the bond would remain,” she stressed in exasperation and squeezed my hands imploringly.
“Dowrra claim their mates unconsciously. It is my… biology,” she explained, hesitating over the word.
“I was yours the moment I saw you in my visions. And you were mine the moment you came for me. There was nothing either of us could have done to avoid it unless you wish I had died in that prison or that you never came for me—”
“I would never wish that!” I assured her roughly.
“Then there is no use lamenting this bond! It was no more my choice than it was yours, even if it may seem so to you because I am a Seer, and I accepted it long ago,” Nuala insisted in earnest.
I took a moment to process her explanation, turning it over and over in my mind until my heart began to fill with a tentative hope. It still took a moment for it to fully sink in that she might not have set out to trick or trap me.
“Rian, I never intended to manipulate—” she began, but I leaned forward to press my lips lightly against hers to quiet and settle her. Her sharp inhale, and the way her lips trembled in want against mine, was intoxicating.
“I believe you,” I breathed, and I felt her shudder from a repressed sob before she nodded in relief.
“But you still have all of those other reasons not to want me,” she guessed.
“You did not let me finish,” I reminded her as I began to trail kisses from her mouth to her jaw and up to her ear.
The way she tilted her head for me and closed her eyes with a soft sigh was pure magic.
“I wanted you to know the reasons why I am reluctant to give in to this, but you were right; I am… at war with myself. I have been at war with myself for so long and in so many ways.”
Nuala leaned closer, her fingers clenching on mine as if she wanted to pull me closer but did not dare.
“I never wanted a mate, but neither have I ever needed anything more than I need this,” I admitted grudgingly.
My head rested on her shoulder as I watched the swell of my emotions manifest in shadows that seeped from my pores around our entwined fingers.
I would normally have been terrified to see my magic emerging when I was so emotional, but it felt good.
It felt so good to let it all out instead of quickly forcing it down.
So I let it continue to bleed out between us where it could exist safely.
Nuala turned her head to kiss my jaw and ear as one of her hands released mine to slide up around my neck.
“Tell me what you need from me. What can I do to set your mind at ease so that we can have this?” she asked.
“That is not your sole burden. I may not be confident in trusting you, but I am also not sure you can trust me.”
“Rian—” she objected.
“I am not good for anyone! I am forever hurting and disappointing the people who care for me,” I interrupted. “The best thing for you would be to get as far away from me as you can. And yet, I will still drag you back here if you try to leave me.”
Nuala was quiet as she absorbed my words for a long moment. Our faces were still so close that I could feel her soft breaths on my skin, and all I wanted to do was turn and taste her again. To lose myself in her the way I had in the bathhouse and in her coven’s temple.
“This is about Aodhan,” she realized aloud and sighed when I tensed. “I wish you could know as I do that none of this hurt and uncertainty is necessary.”