Chapter 42 - Regan
FORTY-TWO
REGAN
After a shitty night and shitty qualifying and practice run, I’m finally able to head back to the RV in the infield. I’m hoping Dad won’t ask me any more questions about what happened the previous night after I returned to the RV upset. And with today’s performance, he knows something is up.
It’s times like these that I really wish my mom was still here. She always knew the right thing to say or had advice for any situation.
I’m looking down at my feet, the weight of the day still upon me, when I run into what feels like a brick wall as I fall to the ground—hard.
“Oof, what the hell?” I call out, rubbing my ass that has just hit the pavement.
“Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention and I—” the voice stops, a voice I know well, one that I’m actively avoiding. Seems like the universe has other plans for me today.
Dixon. Of course it’s Dixon. It always comes back to fucking Dean Dixon. He’s part of the reason that I’ve been distracted, the other parts being the anniversary of Mom’s death and the championship. My mind is thinking about everything all at the same time, and it’s affecting my performance.
Dean extends a hand out to me, but I shove it away, standing up on my own.
“Watch where you’re going, Dixon,” I shout, albeit a bit too loudly.
He winces at the use of his last name, like I’ve wounded him.
The name tastes bitter on my tongue. I guess he’s gotten as used to me calling him Dean as I have.
“Sorry, I didn’t see you. My head was…somewhere else.
” We lock eyes, but he instantly looks down at his shoes, no quick comeback, no use of my last name, just sadness.
Not something I’ve ever expected to see from him.
I have the urge to apologize, to wrap my arms around him and to tell him it’s okay.
Then I remember what he did, and I think maybe he should feel like this for a while, but it hurts to see him like this, too.
“Obviously, like other parts of your body I’m sure,” I snap.
His green eyes wash over me, those same eyes that I’ve been lost in, like hiking through a forest without a map, but you don’t care because the view is incredible.
That shaggy hair that can’t seem to pick a direction that my fingers itch to rake through. I shake my head.
Get a grip. You’re mad at him.
With the look that he’s giving me, it just makes it so hard to be mad at. He seems genuinely remorseful, but how can I get over that he lied to me? I don’t say anything else, just turn on my heel.
“Wait, please. Can we talk?”
I don’t want to. I want to storm off and hide away from the world. My feet seem to grow roots, halting my steps and forcing myself back into his green gaze.
“Well, what?” I ask, crossing my arms across my chest like a shield.
“You have every right to be mad, and I would understand that even after I explain things to you, you’d want to never see me again.
I shouldn’t have lied to you by omission.
” He holds my gaze, his glassy from the tears forming there.
“After that night, all I could think about was you. I thought by not telling you since we were benefits only that I was keeping you from getting hurt. I realize now that I hurt you more by lying about it. I should have known that, given what you told me your ex did to you. But I was selfish in wanting to keep you only for myself. I’m so sorry, Regan. Truly, I am.”
My heart is pounding in my ears at his confession.
This is a true apology, not like the ones that my ex gave me when he cheated.
I think that’s why this hurts so much; it feels the same way.
I need time, space away to think about everything and if I can continue to do this.
To be just benefits with Dean, or is there more?
Could there be more if we want to? Would he want to?
All the questions I can’t answer. I need time to figure out what this means for me and for whatever we are right now.
“I appreciate your apology, I just need time,” I say, my tone serious.
He takes a step away from me, receiving the message. “I understand. Guess I’ll see you around, Regan.”
Tears sting my eyes at the sight of him walking away, his head hung low. I know this is what I need to do in order to figure things out. I walk into the RV a mess and Dad instantly pulls me into his arms. His embrace makes me release all the tension in my shoulders I’ve been holding.
“Hey, kiddo. What happened?”
I sniffle into his chest, just as I had when I was kid and missed Mom. “I’m not ready to talk about it,” I say, still soaking his shirt with my tears.
“Alright, go get cleaned up. I’ll be making dinner soon.”
I take a shower and get into my pajamas, still upset but feeling a bit more human. I’m doom scrolling when a text from Leslie comes through.
Leslie
Hey. I saw you talking to Dean. Everything ok?
Me
Define ok
Leslie
Are you still mad at him?
Me
I want to be. I feel like I should be
Leslie
Maybe consider giving him a second chance
Me
Would you give Chase a second chance if he lied to you?
Leslie
We aren’t talking about me and Chase
Me
Why? Cuz you’re back on again?
As soon as I hit send, I want to take it back. I’m taking out my frustrations on her when she’s being a good friend and trying to help me out of this impossible situation.
Leslie
That’s not important and I’m letting that cheap shot go cuz you’re hurting right now
I think you should give him another shot. Don’t miss out on something that could be good for you
Me
I don’t know if I can. I can’t be lied to again
She sends a reply, but I ignore it. I don’t want to hear it right now.
I make my way back into the living room where Dad is cooking at the stove.
I sniff the air, and I’m taken back to when I was a kid.
He’s making grilled cheese. Simple, I know.
Anytime I was upset, he’d make some grilled cheese for us, and we’d watch a move together.
He puts one on a paper plate and hands it to me, placing the other on his own, and we sit at the dinette table in silence, eating for what seems like ages.
“Did you want to talk about what happened earlier?” he tries again.
I chew and swallow before answering. “I learned someone lied to me about something really important, and I’m not sure I can forgive them.”
Dad sits back in his chair, taking in the information. “I’m not sure if anything is unforgivable, unless this is a hard boundary for you.”
“Would cheating be a hard boundary for you?” I blurt. Shit, now he’s going to start asking even more questions.
“Well, were you officially together as a couple?” he asks plainly.
I take another bite of my sandwich. “Not technically, I suppose. But they lied by omission.”
“Then is it the potential cheating or the lying that’s hurt you?”
Damn, this man is good.
“I guess the lying in this case. But it still hurts.” Dad knows vaguely about what happened with my ex, so he knows how I feel about lying and cheating.
“Yes, it can hurt. But it’s up to you if you want to forgive him or not.”
“Maybe I just need time.”
Dad studies me as I finish my sandwich, like he’s waiting for me to give more details, but I offer him none.
“Whatever you decide, make the best decision for you and you alone. Don’t think about what anyone else may think.”
“Thanks, Dad.” I smile. Maybe there is a way to figure all this out. “What movie do you want to watch?” I ask. With a smile he picks Aladdin, my favorite Disney movie.