Chapter 32 #2
I was a little worried that this night wouldn’t come to fruition.
There was an “off” week between Nate and me about two months ago.
He seemed to pull away a little, always lost in his thoughts.
I even spent a night at home, crying in my bed because he forgot to unlock the window.
He never even texted to ask where I was.
I thought he was going to break up with me.
The thought alone sent me spiraling into a panic attack, one Nate wasn’t there to help me out of.
He taught me how to bring myself out of them with a grounding exercise that Emmy uses.
It just doesn’t work the same for me when Nate’s not nearby.
How quickly Nate has become everything to me. The thought of a life without him is incomprehensible, like I would no longer be able to breathe or function. My eyes line with tears, and I wave my hands in front of my face, trying to dry them before they ruin my makeup.
It’s okay. Whatever it was, he worked through it.
After that week, things went right back to normal between us.
In fact, things were even better. Nate has been attentive, more loving, more…
everything. There isn’t a day he doesn’t remind me of how much he loves me.
Almost like he needs to ingrain those words into my head so that I’ll never forget them.
I’ve never felt so truly loved and cared for in my life.
He is the reason for all of my happy days. All of the love I feel.
I know we are young, but I’ve never been more sure about anything.
Nate will never hurt me. He loves me as much as I love him.
Our love isn’t this fleeting thing. It’s not a high school dream.
I know this now at sixteen, and I’ll prove it at thirty.
I know I sound delusional, but our love was born from the ashes.
Risen up against shared trauma. Trauma that has embedded our souls together for life.
A love like this isn’t normal. It’s rare, and it’s beautiful, and it’s forever.
Satisfied with both my thoughts on our relationship and my appearance, I grab my cheap bottle of drug mart perfume and give myself a little spritz. One last look in front of my floor-length mirror and I am walking down the stairs, trying not to trip in these unreasonably high heels.
My dad is drinking a beer in the kitchen as I pass through to grab my car keys. He looks me over and smirks.
“You look like a high-end prostitute.”
I ignore him and reach for my keys, desperate to escape before things escalate.
The man that used to treat me decently is no longer there.
Or maybe this was always him, and I just had Katie as a buffer.
He was never really affectionate, but he wasn’t always this cruel.
Now? His eyes are soulless. His smile, unnerving.
The way he looks at me makes my skin crawl.
It’s a way you should never look at your daughter.
It only increases my suspicion that I’m not his. We don’t resemble each other at all. We don’t share any of the same passions or hobbies. We definitely don’t share the same affection for alcohol. But it goes beyond that…
A few years ago, something happened between him and my mom, and things changed in our household. Things changed in the way he treated me. The way he looked at me. It was like he no longer saw me as his daughter, his blood. Maybe he doesn’t…because maybe I’m not.
Regardless, he raised me as his daughter. You would think that he would set some boundaries he’d be unable to cross. But rather than look at me like a daughter, he looks at me with what appears to be desire. I get goosebumps just thinking about it, and not the good kind.
He’s the only father I’ve ever known, but that doesn’t mean he’s a good one. It doesn’t mean I have to love him. Because I don’t. I hate him. I hate the way he hurts me. I hate the way he makes me uncomfortable. I hate the way I’m afraid of him.
“Did you hear me, girl? I said you look like a slutty fuckin’ prostitute.”
“Thanks dad,” I mumble, walking toward the front door. I almost make it, but he snatches my wrist, spinning me around. His grip is so hard that it’s going to leave a bruise. The more I try to pull away, the tighter he holds on. I gasp at the intense pain. It feels like he’s going to pop my veins.
“You can’t hide behind that boy forever, Ellison. He’s gonna get tired of you, and then you’re gonna pay for what happened to my car.” He looks down my body, slowly, suggestively. “Yeah…you’re gonna pay,” he finishes, licking his bottom lip.
“Remove your hands from my daughter, Chris.” My mom’s voice has me jumping out of my skin. I didn’t hear her walk into the room. The way she says “my daughter” has me on high alert. My dad’s eyes narrow, and he looks like he is ready to lunge at her.
“I’d reconsider what you’re contemplating,” she says smugly. “You know the consequences if anything happens to me. Or my girls,” she states vaguely. He clearly gets the message though, because he releases my wrist, shoving my arm back toward my body.
“Have a nice time, Ellie.” She doesn’t take her eyes off my dad, challenging him to look away. He finally does, and I scurry past them, out the front door.
That was…odd.
I get into my old beat-up Chevy and head toward Nate’s house. Despite what just happened in there, I can’t help the huge smile transforming my face. This is going to be the best night of my life, and I can’t wait to get it started.
I pull into Nate’s driveway, suddenly nervous about our evening. What if I don’t look nice enough? Nate is the hottest guy at our school. I’m…just me.
My dad’s ugly words filter back through my brain. Do I really look cheap? Like I’m trying too hard? Am I going to embarrass him?
My hands are sweating as I grip my steering wheel. The engine is turned off, and I’m already parked, but I’m frozen in place. Unable to let go.
I get the feeling tonight is going to be life-changing, and for the first time, I am not sure that is a good thing. Chills creep up the back of my neck in warning. I have a bad feeling, and I don’t know where it’s coming from.
I need to get it together. This is Nate. He is going to make sure this night is as amazing and magical as I imagined. He bought me this dress specifically to wear tonight. He’s going to love it. He’s going to tell me I’m beautiful, just like he always does.
I take a deep breath and release my hold on the steering wheel. Opening my car door, I step out onto the cement.
I instantly trip on the pavement.
These god-awful heels are going to be the death of me. Maybe that’s where this ominous feeling is coming from. Maybe I’m going to face-plant in front of everyone at the dance.
I finally make it to the door, claiming victory over these damn shoes. People dance in their bare feet, right? How long before I can take these suckers off?
I lift my hand to ring the doorbell, but the door pulls open before I get a chance. Emmy stands on the other side looking at me with so much sadness in her eyes I just want to wrap her in my arms.
What did Nathaniel do now? I swear, I hate that man more and more by the second.
“Hey Ems!” I try to sound as cheerful as I can. “I was thinking me and Nate can leave the dance early and come back here for a romcom movie night. What do you think?” I was so excited for our night away, but nothing is worth Emmy being sad and alone at home.
“Oh. No, that’s okay. You guys…you guys have fun.” There’s an ounce of concern in her voice that has me confused. Why is she worried about me? I’m supposed to be the one worrying about her.
“Nate’s in his room.” She turns around and walks up the staircase. I follow behind her, my heart thumping a little bit louder than before. Something isn’t right. Something feels very wrong.
We reach the top of the staircase, and she turns around to face me.
“He’s in his room,” she repeats, “but…”
“But what?” I giggle, more of a nervous habit than genuine humor. My heart is beating out of my chest. I feel like I am going to cry, and I don’t even know why. My skin starts to prickle, my instincts are screaming at me to run away and protect myself.
I already know.
I know when I open that door, my world is going to be turned upside down.
“Never mind. Just…never mind.” Emmy rushes toward her room at the end of the hallway and slams the door shut. She’s angry, mad at Nate. But why?
I take a deep, shuddering breath and walk toward Nate’s bedroom door.
I steel myself for whatever is on the other side.
Did he hurt himself? Did he take his mom’s pills?
Did his dad beat him so badly he couldn’t possibly show his face at the school?
Whatever it is, I’m ready. I’m going to mask my fear and anger, and I’m going to be there for him. I’m going to get him through this.
I open the door, walk inside, and close it behind me. I expect to see Nate lying crumpled on the bedroom floor. What I see instead has me struggling to breathe.
My hand flies to my chest, the sudden weight of it has me trying to fight off an invisible mass sitting on top of me. I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I can’t speak. I just stare…straight ahead at Nate’s bed.
There’s a girl.
A gorgeous blonde girl, laying underneath his comforter. The same comforter I spend every night beneath. She looks at me with wide eyes, but her smile is smug, like she knows something I don’t.
“Who…who are you?” I question, much like my mom’s question earlier. One I don’t truly want the answer to. My eyes start to burn, but I desperately fight against the sensation.
There’s an explanation.
There has to be. Nate wouldn’t do this to me. To us. If I cry now, I’ll ruin my makeup. He hasn’t even seen me yet. He has to see me with my makeup!
“Who am I?” The girl laughs. “Awe sweetie. I’m the cheerleading captain. The homecoming queen. The girl who’s about to fuck your ex-boyfriend. All. Night.”
No.
No.
Pain. Visceral fucking pain.
Pain so pure, so uninhibited, it has me clutching my stomach as I’m racked with nausea. My heart feels like it’s being electrocuted. The sharp stinging of each beat takes my breath away, causing me to bend over to try and rid myself of that feeling.
“Ex-boyfriend?” I whisper. It feels as if my heart cracks in half, crumbling to pieces and turning to dust. My throat feels like it’s closing, like a clamp is tightening around my trachea, preventing me from getting enough air.
I’m suffocating, but I don’t even care. The pain in my chest is so much worse than my need for air.
He wouldn’t do this. He loves me. He’s told me so many times that he loves me. This has to be a mistake. A cruel joke. Nate wouldn’t hurt me. Not like this. Never like this.
Unwelcome tears slide down my cheeks, smearing the foundation I applied to perfection. The salty liquid lines my lips, but I can’t taste it. I can’t feel anything. It’s like I’m here, but I’m not. My body no longer functions. My heart no longer beats. I can’t feel, or see, or hear.
“Oh. Did you…did you not know?” she asks, her tone filled with fake sympathy.
“I guess Nathan decided he was done playing with little girls. You were probably just a joke to him, yah know. The whole school knew it, sweetie. That you were just a prank he took a little too far. He wants a woman in his bed, Aly. Not the ugly duckling of the sophomore class. So, so sorry you had to find out this way.”
She stands up from her spot on his bed. My spot. That’s always been my spot.
She’s naked.
She’s not wearing a stitch of clothing.
She’s naked in Nate’s bed.
Emmy. She didn’t want me to come up here. She was worried. Not for herself. For me.
Oh god.
No. No!
Everything hurts.
I’ve never felt pain like this. It’s like my body is dying, but it’s leaving my soul behind without its shield, its protection. Like I’m exposed to all the elements and have no way to protect myself from the harsh conditions.
The bathroom door clicks open and Nate appears.
He will fix this.
He will make this better.
He’s going to yell at this…this girl and tell her to leave. Then he’s going to take me into his arms and tell me she was lying. That I’m his, and he’s mine. That we will be together forever. The way he always said we would.
“Damn baby, you look sexy as hell.” No. No. No. He’s not talking to me. He’s talking to her. I watch him walk up to her and take her in his arms.
He’s kissing her.
Touching her.
She moans into his mouth, and he smiles against her lips. His hands slide down to her ass, and he walks her backward toward his bed.
The bed he made love to me on last night.
I’m going to throw up.
I feel like I’m dying.
This…this doesn’t make sense.
It was supposed to be a prank.
Oh god. He doesn’t love me. He’s never really loved me.
No. That’s wrong. That can’t be true.
My soul is breaking. My SOUL. My heart…it’s too late.
My heart is already gone. But the very thing that tethers me to this world is being ravaged, abused, dismantled.
Nate is destroying it. He bound our souls together for eternity, and now he is shattering it.
I can’t tear mine free, it’s his. Shackled together for the rest of our lives, where he will continue to demolish it for years to come.
Until there is nothing. Until I am nothing.
“Nate,” I whisper. I can’t even describe the sound that escapes my throat.
It doesn’t sound like me. It doesn’t sound human.
It sounds like pain in the physical form.
Like I birthed life to living and breathing agony.
I reach up, grabbing ahold of Nate’s promise.
I pull it from my neck, the heart-shaped diamond hitting the floor with a clatter.
Nate looks over to me, his eyes widening like he didn’t expect to see me here. Maybe he didn’t. Maybe he lost track of time. Maybe he’s been with her our entire relationship.
I need to go. I need to leave. The dam is about to break, and Nate does not get to watch me fall apart.
I turn on my heels and run. I run down the stairs and out the front door, barely noticing Emmy’s look of horror as I go.
I run to my car and peel out of the driveway, driving faster than I ever have in my life.
Several minutes later, when I am far enough away, I pull over to the side of the road.
Tears pour from my eyes as a deep ache overwhelms my entire body. My shoulders shake with the force of my cries. My throat burns from the screams tearing through my throat. My lungs are on fire, desperate for a deep breath that I just can’t take. I cry so hard my ribs hurt and my stomach aches.
I stay here for hours.
This is where I break.
This is where I die inside.