Chapter 5
Kyle
I’m freaking out.
It’s him.
Logan. The guy who kissed me and held me like no one ever has.
The guy who fucked me in my family’s stables days before my wedding.
The guy who made me question everything I believe about myself.
He’s here, as a guest at my own wedding, and I don’t know what to do with the shame eating me up from the inside.
I didn’t mean to cheat on Madison. I was helping out with the horses like I do on many evenings, and before I knew it, I was on all fours and begging for dick.
Logan came in like a storm and swept me off my feet.
I had no idea this would happen, and once his lips met mine, I didn’t know how to turn back. And in the moment—I didn’t want to.
Because it was out of this world, and I wished to never go back to Earth.
Yet here I am, watching Ann put a tiara on Madison’s head because my bride is in the middle of her evening outfit change.
She has three different dresses for every day leading up to the wedding.
Absolute madness. I had no idea what I was signing up for a year ago, but it’s too late to do anything about it.
Still, as I stand there, all I can think of is that I need to talk to Logan.
“Do you think they’ll get back together?” Madison asks Ann, giggling. She’s the only one legally allowed to drink in our group of three, but we’re all a bit tipsy.
Ann chuckles and adjusts my girl’s hair next. “Nah. He’ll probably murder me though. Gosh, I love fucking with him, and since he’s never home, and I can’t prank him all the time, it only makes sense to go big when he is around.”
Madison chuckles and looks my way. “Have you heard this? Ann had me sit her brother with the woman who left him at the altar. How evil is that?”
I can’t disconnect from reality altogether, so I clear my throat and ask. “Oh really? Which one’s your brother?”
Madison applies some more lipstick and glances at me in the mirror. “Tall brunet, very handsome. His name’s Logan.”
I’m so shocked I can barely think. “Oh... Ann’s brother. And Ann is your cousin so he is t—” My transgression is even worse than I thought. I drop to the chair, struggling to breathe as the girls chatter, ignorant of my state.
Madison gives Ann’s arm a gentle slap. “Why is he single anyway? A guy like him probably has loads of girls after him.”
Because he’s gay, I think, nervously picking at my nail.
Am I gay? I did think I was low-key bi, but after last night, I’m not so sure anymore.
Being with Madison was always okay, but being touched by Logan last night blew my mind.
I have this feeling like I never want anything else, and it makes me both excited and so hopeless I want to tie weights to my feet and drop into that damn pool once everyone’s gone to sleep.
Ann sighs, slightly more serious now. “I think he’s a bit traumatized by what happened. He does date, but it never lasts long enough for him to introduce the girls to us.”
“You think now that his almost-wife’s divorced, she might be interested in him again?” Madison asks and an unreasonable surge of jealousy flashes through me.
Ann shrugs, draping a glittery shawl over Madison’s shoulders. “I highly doubt it, since she came out as a lesbian.”
Madison hums and glances at me, pouting. She’s so pretty and I don’t even feel like touching her. What is wrong with me?
“What do you think, Kyle? If someone's gone gay, can they turn back again?”
The question catches me off guard, and my tongue feels too big for my mouth, but I manage to speak. “I don’t know anyone who’s gay.”
Other than Logan, and maybe, possibly myself. For a long time, I considered myself a bisexual who chose to date only women, but last night has shaken that image all the way to its foundations. I have no fucking idea what to do.
The question feels like a shower of lemon slush, and I shudder before leaping to my feet. I can’t continue having this conversation about nothing. “Maybe it’s time to join our guests again?”
Madison rolls her eyes. “Well, duh! I’m ready now. I can’t wait for everyone to see this outfit.” She twirls in the flowery dress, and the movement of air that creates sends the scent of her perfume my way.
It’s pretty.
But it doesn’t make my knees melt like the warm aroma of Logan’s smoky cologne.
I’m dead. I’m so fucking dead. I’m getting married on Sunday and all I can think is that I want to see him again.
Ann walks in front of us, leading the way. “I just don’t think it’s possible to change your sexuality on a whim. If she could, she would have married my brother. He’s a great guy.”
I feel as if there’s a massive ball sitting in my throat, blocking the air flow, but when Madison rises and takes my arm, I lead her to the door, and then out to the hallway, toward the soothing sound of the jazz music played on the piano.
Despite the fancy surroundings, I feel like I’m walking to my own funeral.
And as Madison laughs, I realize that this sound will soon start to bother me.
Does it mean I’m a bad person?
I don’t think I am.
I didn’t imagine any of this when I proposed over a year ago.
I can’t even fully explain why I did it.
I’m impulsive. We went for a lovely night out, high on the excitement of getting to know each other better, and one thing led to another.
She told me she wished the night would never end.
So I one-upped her by saying she was my forever, and the next thing I knew, I proposed.
I didn’t even have a ring.
But then things escalated, and she started planning the wedding. Another impulsive thing that felt great at the time. Two months into the planning, I wasn’t so sure about it all but couldn’t back out anymore.
And why would I? Madison is beautiful, fun, and we make a great couple. She even says all the time that we look so good in photos. Why would I give up on a perfect life because of one slipup?
Yet when we reach the garden and I spot Logan sitting by the pool next to a young woman, all I want is to take him aside and explain myself. Because judging by the mocking smile he had for me during the welcome dinner, he considers me a total scumbag.
And I’m not. I’m a good guy.
Even a good guy can make a mistake. And he seduced me into it anyway… Okay, now I’m lying to myself. The moment he kissed me, all my morals went out of the window and nothing else mattered but him touching me.
Logan isn’t wearing a suit jacket anymore, and he even rolled up the sleeves of his cream shirt.
When he leans back like that, his hands supporting him, the muscles in his forearms appear to be steel.
It makes me think of how he held down my wrists, how he picked me up by my ass before throwing me into the hay.
If I could just talk to him—
Madison snaps her fingers in front of my face. “Earth to Kyle. Do you think we should take the photos by the column, or by the piano?”
“Photos?” I mumble, but the main photographer for the event, Holden, is already here, pointing his massive lens straight at me.
“Don’t you remember?” Madison asks with a frown. “I told you while I was changing. Did you ignore me?”
Her pursed lips are like a prelude to an approaching storm, so I shake my head. “No, I remember. Sorry, there’s just so much going on around us, and I already had a bit too much to drink.”
She is the one making all the executive decisions about the wedding. My sister thinks it’s not fair I didn’t have much input, but the truth is, I don’t particularly care about the party. That’s not why I proposed, and if she has her dream version of the event, why not let her get her way?
The downside of that is that I don’t know what I’m gonna eat, and I have no idea how many photoshoots I’m expected to participate in. Hopefully not one for each dress change, because I only have two suits. But Holden surely knows, so I’ll just ask him when we’re alone.
Holden smiles. “By the piano? We’ll get some great lighting there with the blue lamps in the water giving your skin a bit of that glow.”
If I’m gay, do I fancy Holden? He must be around thirty, has that blue-eyed blond thing going on, and carries himself with confidence. I can objectively say he’s pretty hot, but not in the way that drew me to Logan.
Holden might be a tasty burger at midnight, but Logan is a thick steak cooked perfectly to order.
“Oh, you have such a good eye for those things,” Madison says and grabs my wrist, pulling me toward the gazebo, which stands across from Logan and the woman he’s speaking to.
My face burns, but there’s nowhere I can go without causing a scene.
Holden turns toward us with a grin and meets Madison’s eyes. “I never do things halfway. Whether I work with my lens or drive, I put all my heart and attention into it.”
I give Holden another discreet once-over. Does the fact that he’s a professional photographer and a race car driver entice me or make me jealous? I don’t know.
Ann ushers us toward the piano, and when the music stops, Logan looks up at us. My face burns from the intensity of his glare.
“Stand here, Kyle, and wrap your arm around her waist,” Holden instructs, positioning us closer to the pool, with Madison leaning against the stone and me facing her.
The position makes me think of the many photographs I’ve seen, and I feel like I can’t compete with professional models, actors, or even Madison. Her expression sours inches from mine.
“You look like you’re attending a funeral, not your own wedding!”
“She’s right, Kyle. Smile,” Holden says, and when I make my lips crook upward, he takes the shot, even though on the inside I still feel unsettled, and judging by Madison’s expression, it shows.
“Jesus, do you even want to be here?”
I certainly don’t want Logan watching me now, judging, and coming up with the most unsavory explanations for my behavior last night.
I’m not in the habit of cheating. In fact, I’ve never done this before, and while it probably doesn’t change a thing, I want him to know that. Would he even listen if I tried to talk to him?