Chapter 8
Kyle
The promise of death flashing in Madison’s eyes keeps going through my head as I sip warm sake from a tiny ceramic cup.
The whole event is already stressful, and when Logan publicly asked me what I love about Madison, my brain became a loofah.
Whatever thoughts I could voice at the time just drained out of me as if they were water, and all I was left with were hard facts I was observing at the moment—Madison’s beauty and her desire to control everything about the wedding, all the way to my outfits.
I’m a laid-back guy, who thinks relationships are more important than the ceremony, but my bride explicitly told me she has been planning her dream wedding since childhood and wanted everything to be a particular way.
So maybe I’m not happy with much of it, especially with the fact that she refuses to allow Jekyll at the ceremony, but I went with whatever she wanted, because the whole thing seems so very important to her.
As a result, I figured she was proud of being the sole organizer, and the one who came up with all the activities and all the beautiful decorations. So when asked what I love about her, in a moment of sheer panic, I said what I thought she wanted to hear.
Big mistake, and it wasn’t one I could fix right away.
My bride was livid, and even told me I made her look stupid in front of the other women.
There seems to be nothing I can say to turn her scowls into smiles, and she left to participate in a spa session with her bridal party while I’m stuck with my thoughts, at an event she planned for the “young men”.
I have no idea why she chose Japan as a theme for this activity, because if she let me have any input, I’d suggest westerns and whiskey, but I can assume she decided this was classier, whether it expressed anything about me or not.
I would have been annoyed if I wasn’t feeling so guilty not only about the answers I gave at the decorating class but also about… everything.
The event is set in a private part of the hotel bar, and we have a guy filling our sake cups at all times.
A black and white samurai movie is projected onto a white screen unfolded on one of the walls, as if anyone can read subtitles when drunk.
There’s about thirty of us around a massive table filled with sushi, tempura, and Asian-inspired salads, and all I want is to leave.
I might be sitting next to my brother, but Logan has made sure to sit right across from me and has been sending me smug glares. He seems bored out of his mind, but at least him being here means he’s not hooking up with someone.
A concept which shouldn’t bother me, since he’s not mine.
But it does.
I take a small piece of deep-fried carrot and drop it to the floor, for Jekyll to munch on.
The food looks and smells delicious, but my stomach feels like there’s a tangle of barbed wire stuck in there, so I keep sampling the different types of sake and waiting until the small portions of alcohol accumulate to loosen me up.
How did I get to this point? I’ve led a simple yet happy life, but within three months of meeting my bride, my existence has become something I never wanted, and at this point feels like a cage I can’t escape.
I might not understand her well enough to answer questions correctly, but she doesn’t know me well either, and this men-only banquet makes it glaringly obvious.
But then again, we’ve only known each other for a year, and she is a nice person. Surely, we can smooth out the wrinkles and start a family together. Isn’t that the kind of fulfillment many people can just dream of?
Jude bumps his shoulder into me with a big smile. “Fantasizing about the big day tomorrow?”
The moment me says that, I realize my gaze has drifted to Logan.
Again. Because I keep noticing new things about him.
No matter how mean and spiteful he is, I remember his scent so vividly, and his scruff is a bit longer than it was this morning.
It reminds me of the way it was that night we met in the stables.
He’s also spent a lot of time outside, and his cheeks and nose have been touched by the sun.
I wish I didn’t notice all those things, but I can’t get him out of my head.
I freeze when he meets my gaze from across the table, but Jude is there to divert my attention.
“I’m jealous. No point in waiting to get married, I know that now.
And while it pisses me off that my little brother caught himself such a perfect fish before me, I’m not giving up,” he says with a slight lisp and asks for more sake.
His face is already red, but then again he could never hold his drink.
“No reason to. You’re handsome, confident, you know how to manage a ranch. All you need is to meet the right one,” I say and squeeze his shoulder.
“I’ve been talking to that girl at the welcome dinner, Kayla. She dresses a bit odd, but she’s got those… swaying hips if you know what I mean. But I can’t figure her out.”
Oh. So Jude never got the memo about Kayla being a lesbian.
I clear my throat. “Maybe I'll ask Madison if she can set you up with a like-minded girl.”
Jude sighs and starts emptying his newly filled cup.
“I never thought I’d be ready. I was always eager to just have some fun while I took care of business and all the other important things.
But I’m ready now. I want a girl of my own, and a couple of kids.
I tell you, she might dress weird, but she seems modest, and I get the feeling she wants the same things I do. ”
I glance at Logan, hoping he could break it to Jude that his ex is most definitely not up for what Jude was offering, but he’s only watching me with a mocking half-smile.
Fine. I’d be the one to speak, because I can’t stand the idea of my brother hitting on a lesbian.
“She’s not into men. So better look for someone else.”
He sits there, too stunned to even drink, his mouth in a perfect O. “Oh. That makes some sense actually. Are you sure though? She doesn’t seem the type.”
Now Logan chooses to speak. “Many people don’t seem the type. She just likes pussy, simple as that.”
Jude frowns, looking thoughtful. “I mean, I can relate.”
Logan snorts. “I bet you can. All I’m saying is that there’s no way to tell with some people.”
Jude shrugs and swallows a small sushi roll. “Maybe with women, since they’re more… flexible when it comes to sex. But with guys? I can always tell when a guy’s a homo.”
The cup of sake slips through my fingers, but I manage to hold on to it and pin my eyes to the glass fish sculpture that serves as the centerpiece of the table spread.
Jekyll whines and puts his head on my knee, as if he senses the change in my mood.
I pet his head, trying to disassociate from what I heard.
In a town as small as ours, there are no openly gay people.
Jude could have seen some more stereotypical person while out in Austin, or seen them on TV, but it’s not like he’s ever had a reason to seek out sensible information.
He’s a simple guy, and he likes to see the world as logically organized.
I can’t blame him, but I still feel alienated.
I don’t feel like a different person since that night with Logan. I’m still the same Kyle Hone who loves horses and wants to be a vet one day. I just happened to enjoy a man’s body.
It doesn’t change me.
Or so I tell myself, because I definitely feel changed. Logan scratched my surface and I can never go back to who I was before.
“And how would you tell?” Logan asks, cocking his head at the sushi. He hovers his fingers over the fried vegetables but then pulls back empty-handed.
Jude spreads his arms. “I’m not even talking about the obvious ones who wear makeup and women’s clothes. Even those who seem normal at first glance have something odd about their speech or movements, or the way they look at you.”
My entire body tingles as I stare down at my dog and wonder if I behave in ways that make my uncertain sexuality obvious. Logan targeted me for a reason, since he wouldn’t have remained in the closet for long if he just hit on any guy he found attractive.
So was I? Obvious? Did anyone else know?
“You think you’re such a catch? That every gay guy out there is just trying to get in your pants?” Logan laughs this time, but I sense a bitter note in there.
Jude shrugs. “Nah, they know they got no chance with me. I have no reason to substitute pretty girls for some dude.”
Logan shakes his head. “I heard guys give better head, because, you know, they’ve got the same equipment. They know what to do.”
Now he’s just fucking with Jude, putting ideas in his head. And yet I can’t help but think back to Logan’s lips around my cock. He looked up at me with a flush on his face, and then when he pushed his fingers inside of me as well… That was the most intense orgasm of my life.
Jude sneers. “You don’t get married for good blowjobs.”
My mind drifts off again to how my sex with Logan smelled of hay and his sexy cologne.
Would I marry for the kind of head he gives?
I can just about imagine him in a tux, his broad shoulders clad in elegant fabric as he promises me a forever.
I remember his touch so viscerally I can imagine it on my hand.
A moment later, my mind transports me to a reality where I look up, choked up with emotion, because after much hardship, I’m finally getting married to the guy who changed my life.
I catch myself as Jude rises from the chair. “Don’t wanna know how you figured that one out. Gonna watch the movie now,” he says and drifts toward the other end of the table, where most of the men are gathered.
Which leaves me with Logan and my intrusive thoughts about wedding suits, officiants, and the venue being a barn, not some fancy hotel with ceilings that pretend they're the Sistine Chapel. I could even train Jekyll to bring us the wedding rings.
In the cool light, Logan’s gray eyes seem even more piercing than usual. “Is there really only seafood here? Was this your idea?” he grumbles.
“It was Madison’s, actually,” I say, scratching Jekyll’s ear, but all I want is to move closer to Logan, so no one can hear me, and ask him how he knew I’d be available to him.
“Of course. And you let your princess have whatever she wants.” He rolls his eyes and downs another cup of sake.
“I suppose you were done with cupcakes for the day.” Of course he has to push that needle in, but I don’t want to get angry.
He has all the reasons to hate me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t turn it around.
It’s not like I want to be here either.
“I do make a mean steak, and there’s a kitchen where I’m staying.”
Logan squints at me. “Are you inviting me to dinner? At your wedding?”
Fuck. Of course he’s thinking I want to flirt with him again.
“Not like that. But I’m not enjoying myself either. We can just talk. Like…” I lower my voice as it falters. “I can’t talk about this to anyone else.”
There might be a silent please at the end.
He glances at the sushi, then at me, then at the sushi again. I don’t know what his problem is, because the food is quite good here, but his loss might be my gain, so I’m not complaining.
Logan hums and looks up at me in the end. “That steak better be juicy.”
My heart skips a beat. He agreed. He actually agreed. “Just tell me how you like it, and I’ll make it perfect.”