Chapter 20 #3
He rests his head on my chest and shifts closer, until his thigh is aligned with mine. “I know. But it’s difficult when people who are important to you suddenly tell you everything about you is wrong. Maybe this whole thing will pass?
“What? Being gay?” I bristle at the thought of him stuffing himself back into the closet. The very idea of Kyle conforming like that makes me angry. He should feel free to express himself in all the ways he wants to.
He shakes his head, and the fluffy hair at the top of his head tickles my neck.
“No. I hope they come around, and we’ll be able to reconcile.
But right now, I really don’t want to talk to them.
I just let them know I’m fine, and had a brief chat with my sister, who is more reasonable about the whole thing but still thinks I’m the asshole for leaving Madison on the day of the wedding.
It’s hard, but at the moment I don’t want to keep in touch. ”
“I still haven’t come out to my family. Not even my sister.
Only Kayla knows back home. It just never felt right.
Maybe because I’m bi, I thought there’s no point stirring the pot until I have a boyfriend I want to introduce.
And that just never happened. I was on the verge of doing it last year, and as you know that was a fuck-up in the end. You take your time.”
“Thanks,” Kyle whispers, hugging me by placing his arm across my chest. His hair smells of sandalwood and fits so well with the scent of the leaves on the trees around us. “I’m so lucky to have you.”
I get that feeling again. That I could just kiss him, push him down to the blanket and he wouldn’t protest. As much as it hurts, I have to admit to myself that my presence is probably holding him back from finding a deserving boyfriend.
At least now that I won’t need that much help, he’ll be free to pursue guys in his spare time rather than waste it on helping me out with simple tasks.
“Well, you’re wasting your potential by doing this for me when you could be inviting a boyfriend to a picnic like this.
I bet you’re popular at Rainbowology? Just imagine traveling home with a guy so hot that their jaws drop and Madison gets heart palpitations.
” I grab the opportunity that he’s so close and tickle his side.
Kyle twists against me, but his hand is right where it needs to be to tickle me back. “I don’t need their approval,” he rasps, trying to push me down.
I laugh because I can’t help it. He knows by now that I’m very sensitive to tickling, especially under the armpits. Very problematic when someone needs to help you stand up.
“You need mine? Should I vet your dates? Make sure they have nice dicks?”
Kyle stalls, and his puzzled yet somehow sad expression tells me I shouldn’t have made that joke.
But I can’t take it back, so I tickle him even harder, until he’s begging for mercy and tearing up from laughter.
So maybe it isn’t the best way to deal with hurt feelings but it’s the only one I can think of at the moment.
I’m aware he lusts for me, but after two months of being friends and roommates, I didn’t expect him to remain hung up like this.
I’m saved by the weather, because clouds fulfill their promise and a few drops of rain land squarely on my head. This should provide us with a nice change of subject so we don’t have to deal with the complicated situation between us.
But if Kyle is holding out because of me, not taking chances with other men, then maybe it’s me who needs to do something about it. I need to either send the right guy his way or show him that I’m unavailable by dating someone myself. Otherwise, this infatuation he has might get out of hand.
“Rain!” I yelp and get off him. The ankle doesn’t allow me to jump to my feet as fast as I would like, but I get there.
“Yeah, we better pack up,” he says, tossing all the little containers into the basket, but his voice sounds flat. Guilt eats my insides when I think that this is how I repay him for surprising me in such a wonderful way, but we can’t be anything but friends.
I grab the blanket as soon as he has the food, because the rain is starting to intensify. I now regret not having a jacket, but it is what it is. No one prepared me for this hail of emotions either.
I’m desperate to cheer him up though. “Hey, but the day is still young, and there’s karaoke at Rainbowology tonight. Wanna go? I could drive, you could drink.”
He lets out a chuckle on his way to the horses but doesn’t look my way. “Sounds fun. I see you’re dying to tire out your right leg.”
“Hell yes! It’s been useless for too long. Get your throat ready… for singing!” I wink at him, but there’s no humor in the smile I’m given in response, which makes my insides twist with yet more guilt.
I’ve really fucked up this time. I should have seen the signs of his crush on me. I should have kept my hands to myself. And why does it hurt so much to see him disappointed? It should annoy me that he’s like this when I told him from the get go what this thing between us isn’t.
But it doesn’t. I just feel like I messed up, and it’s on me to pick up the pieces, whether it’s finding him a date or making sure he knows I’m unavailable.