Chapter 21 #2
But Kyle passes him in the door and steps out with his mouth pressed into a tight line. Fat droplets of rain roll down his face and neck, soaking into the dark T-shirt he’s wearing, and I suddenly can’t breathe.
Levi exhales. “Talk it out and don’t come back tonight,” he says and retreats into the cafe, leaving us in the downpour that turns everything around us blurry.
I don’t have the breath to speak at first, but then Cooper’s broad, tall figure looms at the entry into the alleyway behind Rainbowology, and it’s as if something flips a switch inside me. I don’t want him anywhere near Kyle. But as soon as I turn in his direction, Kyle’s mouth opens.
“Stay,” he commands as if I am his dog.
I take a deep breath and clench my fists, but Cooper must have decided to call it a night and backs off.
“You don’t know the guy. He’s just… he’s not right for you!” I choke out.
The rain is so heavy we’re thoroughly soaked. People are staring at us from inside the cafe, but I can’t make myself move. I swallow when Kyle’s Adam’s apple moves up and down.
“Seriously?” he asks in a tight voice.
“Y-yeah! I saw him touching you, and that’s not what you need! And you’re drunk!” I say, even though it’s me who’s acting out of control.
“Who are you to tell me what I need?” Kyle barks, taking in the damp air. “You either date me or back off, because you’re being a dog in the manger, and it’s confusing me like hell.”
I can’t breathe, and my voice is stuck in my throat. I don’t know what to do with him saying so plainly that he wants me.
“You know I… can’t.”
Kyle puts his hands on his hips and squints at me.
“Can’t or won’t? And for what? Because of some stupid rule you came up with?
That you can’t date cheaters? Or that love doesn’t exist or some shit like that?
I get it that you’ve been burned, but if you can’t see beyond that, leave me alone, so I can make even more mistakes.
Maybe that way we’ll eventually end up equally broken. ”
My eyes itch, but at least the rain should hide some of the emotion on my face. “I don’t want you to be broken! I want you to be happy! But I told you I’m not up for relationships.”
Kyle laughs, but nothing about it is joyful.
“You did. Yeah. But you still want me,” he says, staring straight at me while his chest works faster.
“Why don’t you admit it when I’m right here?
” He takes a step closer, swallowing again as his gaze burns me with its heat.
“I’m not afraid to say that I love you.”
The truth hangs between us like a rotten fruit that won't fall off the branch.
I swallow, burning in the heat of his confession. I’m so hot the rain could start steaming off me any second now. I can’t say what he wants to hear, because it’s now clear to me that he holds the power to break my heart. If I admit how I feel whenever I meet his dark eyes, I will lose.
I lick the rain off my lips. “There’s nothing to admit.”
His features tighten for the briefest moment, but then his shoulders sag, and he shakes his head.
“You couldn’t have made that any clearer.
I’ll make things easier on you, Logan, and fuck off from your life.
From now on, stay away from mine. We both know you don’t need me anymore,” he says and walks past me along the wet pavement.
My heart hurts as if he’s stabbed me. “Wait. Kyle, come on. I’ll take you home.”
He shakes his head and speeds up. “I’ll take an Uber. I don’t want to see you there until morning,” he says even though it’s my house, but I don’t protest.
I stand in the rain as he shoves his hands in his pockets and walks through a deep puddle, spraying water everywhere around him, as if he wanted to punish it instead of me.
I rub my face, fighting the tears forcing their way to my eyes. My heart feels so heavy I want to rip it out of my chest and throw it away just so it can stop aching. Watching him disappear behind the curtain of heavy rain is worse than any punch Cooper could have delivered.
He told me he loved me, but I’m a coward who won’t take a leap of faith, mentally stuck on the day my fiancé never came to the altar. And it’s not that I still want to marry Kayla, or about her at all. I’m just so afraid of being abandoned that I don’t want to risk it ever again.
But then why am I hurting so bad already?
As the door of the cafe opens behind me, I step aside to let out whoever’s leaving, but then something casts a shadow on my face, and the rain stops cooling my head.
“What the hell was that dumpster fire?” Kai asks, holding up a black umbrella.
“I… I’m sorry for the mess,” I mutter, only now thinking of the glasses I must have broken when I fell on the table. Someone has to clear all the spilled drinks, and that someone is most likely Kai.
He frowns and cocks his head as if he just heard absolute nonsense. “Oh, there’s lots of mess, but it’s not me you should be apologizing to. I saw you approach some dude with your I-wanna-bang-you smile. How did you think that might go down with Kyle?”
I completely forgot that bit. I don’t even remember the guy’s name.
Kai’s eyebrows go up. “Exactly.”
I spread my arms in frustration, and my torn T-shirt flaps about pathetically. “I didn’t mean anything by it! Cooper is a shitbag! I was just trying to protect him. He’s my friend!”
Kai rolls his eyes. “No, he’s my friend. He’s your boyfriend.”
“You know he’s not,” I growl, but deep down, I now wish he was.
Kai takes away the umbrella, leaving me to suffer the cold downpour. “Wow. You are really messed up if you don’t see it. Literally everyone knows the two of you are inseparable.”
I clasp my fingers on my nape in frustration. “Yeah, because we’re roommates, and I couldn’t drive. We’re not sleeping together.” I don’t know why I’m even explaining this to him. Maybe it’s guilt. Have I led Kyle on? Have I led myself on?
Kai stares at me as if I've told him rainbows are black and white. “Oh, you’re waiting with it until marriage, or something?”
“Did he say something about this?” I bark, and Kai rolls his eyes.
“He didn’t have to. I’m an empath. I can see he’d do anything for you. So you respond by hitting on another guy, and then attacking the dude he might want to get some from, since you’re not giving him any.”
Okay. So maybe I was jealous, not just worried about my drunk friend. It’s because I remember how he was putty in my hands, how eager and open he was. The truth is that I do want him for myself, even if I’m not worthy of his love.
I rub my eyes again. “I fucked up, okay? Just leave me alone!”
“No way, dude, I’m not gonna have you on my conscience,” Kai says and pulls on my torn shirt. “You need to give him time, but you can’t sit outside in this rain. Come in. From the back, because people shouldn’t see Levi’s letting you back in.”
I let out a trembly sigh and let him lead me behind the cafe in silence. I need the warmth, and he doesn’t say much when he makes me tea in the tiny staff room either.
I’m left to my own gloomy thoughts, but at least I’m not in the rain. Kai even offers me a T-shirt with Rainbowology’s logo so I don’t have to sit in the wet and torn one.
The party goes on for a while, but all I can think of is Kyle in our home all alone, suffering because of my actions.
My heart keeps aching each time I wonder whether I shouldn’t get in the car and go talk to him, but maybe that would only make things worse?
He did tell me he doesn’t want to see me tonight, and while I don’t have anywhere else to sleep, I might at least give him the time remaining until the cafe closes.
It’s not like he’d have anywhere else to go.
While I’m the one paying for the apartment, it’s our home and he deserves to be there just as much after everything he did for me.
I don’t even know how much time has passed when the door of the staff room opens again and Levi walks in with a stern expression.
“Wow. You fucked up big time.”
I put my head in my hands. “I know. I warned him I’m a shithead.”
Levi groans. “Oh, please. Spare me this bullshit. Where is he?”
I shrug. “He went home…”
Levi grabs a large box off a shelf marked Lost & Found and shrugs, placing it on the table in front of me.
“I’m not gonna tell you how to live your life, but that guy is crazy about you.
And I’ve known you long enough to see that it’s not one-sided.
I swear you’ve probably spent more time with him in those past two months than you did with Cassian throughout your whole relationship.
” He puts my hat on my head and throws a folded umbrella into the box.
“If I had a guy making me packed lunches to take to work, I’d marry him.
” Levi winks at me, trying to lift my spirits, but I’m so beat down I don’t have the energy to smile.
At least I don’t have to answer him when my phone rings, but when I see that Kyle is the one calling, I try to take the call so fast the phone almost falls out of my hands.
“H-hello?” I ask, going stiff while Levi stares at me from behind the open box. All I can hear is swishing noises, but then, the familiar voice fills me with joy that’s almost immediately replaced by dread.
“Logan? I had an accident.”