Chapter 36 Ash
Ash
Six Years Ago
“Ithink he’s been in there all night,” someone whispers. “By rights, I should have called the cops.”
Lying flat on the floor, the back of my skull scrapes against the timber boards as I tip my head and crane my neck to see who’s behind me. I squint against the glare of the morning light coming through the open barn door. Or is it afternoon sun? I have no fucking idea.
The whiskey bottle sloshes in my hand as I lift my shoulders for a better look. I can make out two silhouettes. One is the farmer who leased Belle’s family the land, and the other is… I blink. Fuck. It’s one of my brothers.
“I appreciate you calling me first, Mr. Weston,” Hunter says.
“He seemed like a decent guy when he was here with Belle, but from the look of him, I guess he’s not doing so good.”
“Ten out of fucking ten for observation,” I mutter.
“Our dad died a few months back, and with everything that happened here, he’s–”
“Shut the fuck up, Hunter! Nothing happened here,” I shout up to the rafters. I don’t want anyone else knowing my business. It’s bad enough that he knows.
After driving away from Dad’s funeral, I’d arrived back at Eastham Grove to find the note Belle had left for me at the guesthouse. She’d chosen her future and she didn’t want me in it. She’s lucky she can see a future at all, because I can’t see one without her.
For the last few months, I’ve been living in a haze.
I don’t think I would have functioned at all if it wasn’t for Hunter telling me when to eat and when to sleep.
Mace and Reid assume it’s grief that has me spiraling, and Dad’s death certainly hasn’t helped.
I wish I could talk to him one last time, if only to tell him that he was wrong about taking a chance on love. It sucks. My whole life sucks.
“Your brother came to see me a few days back,” the farmer’s telling Hunter in a whisper. “He wanted to buy the land. That’s how I had your number. He left a business card.”
“Fucking no good bastard. Took Belle’s rent when it suited him,” I mutter loud enough for them to hear.
“Sorry about him,” Hunter apologizes.
The farmer raises his voice for my benefit when he says. “I’ll tell you what I told him. It’s a tempting offer, but my son’s just moved into that house with his wife. Farming isn’t an easy life, but my boy’s just left the army and it’s a great opportunity for us to bring the family back together.”
“You don’t have to explain,” Hunter says just as loudly. “Personally, I’d pay you not to sell the land to him.”
I mutter some more expletives under my breath as Hunter continues kissing the ass of the guy who stood by and let the bank steal mine and Belle’s dream.
The house she grew up in has been invaded by strangers, and the barn is an empty shell except for the racking in what was the barrel room.
And the table… the table Belle and I… Fuck my life.
I don’t know where she is, and I just have to hope that some of the money I handed over to the bank for the last batch of whiskey reached her.
“They ruined her,” I say in a hoarse whisper. “They ruined us. They ruined me.”
“She ruined you,” Hunter corrects as he crouches down next to me.
“Don’t make me punch you,” I growl.
Hunter ignores the threat. “I’ve been looking for you for four days, Ash. And it looks like you haven’t had a wash or a shave since leaving Chicago.”
He tries to grab the whiskey bottle, but he’s going to have to peel this last remnant of Belle’s love from my cold, dead fingers. And death can’t come soon enough.
“Fine, carry on drinking yourself into a stupor, asshole,” Hunter hisses. “But you can do it on the drive back to the airport.”
I rise up on my elbow, giving Hunter the brief hope that I’m listening to him.
I fake a grin then knock back a mouthful of whiskey.
I’m not as drunk as he thinks I am. I’ve been nursing this bottle for the last…
I don’t know how long I’ve been here, but I only broke the seal on the bottle last night. It’s too precious to waste.
The charred barrels I’d managed to buy back are being looked after by another distillery.
It was like sending our children to live with foster parents, but they sent me the first case last week with the red label I designed.
If I’m careful, my supply could last a decade, maybe more.
Years and fucking years. Empty, pointless, loveless years.
Assuming I ever leave this barn. Hunter wasn’t supposed to find me. No one was.
“Do you know how much it cost me to hire a private jet?” Hunter asks. When I don’t answer, he snaps his fingers. “Ash, are you still in there?”
I drop back onto the floor and my head thumps against wood. Isn’t it good luck to knock on wood? I choke on a laugh that sounds too much like a sob.
Hunter groans as he lies down next to me, and we both stare up at the timbered joists. “Make this the last time you come here,” he pleads. “Say goodbye to your ghosts and walk away. Please, Ash.”
“I’m the ghost.” Or at least I wish I was.
“You look pretty solid to me.” Hunter sniffs. “And you smell a little too real.”
I don’t react to the joke. The darkness that envelopes me snuffs out his light.
“You’re scaring me, brother,” he whispers. “Maybe I’ve got used to depending on you, but while you’re this lost, I’m lost too. So are Mace and Reid. Whatever this is. Whatever you’re planning. Don’t.”
Hunter waits for the reassurances I can’t give him. “I’m not as strong as you think.”
“If you need to lean on me for a while, fine, I can do that. Just don’t cut me out. Please,” he says, his voice cracking. “Talk to me.”
I’m quiet for a while, but the stubborn bastard waits. Finally, I fill the silence. “Remember when Alice left and she told me to do better than our dad?”
“I was two. I don’t remember anything about the day she left, but yeah, you’ve mentioned it before.”
“I took it as my personal challenge.”
“You were always going to achieve great things, and no thanks to that witch. It’s simply who you are, and we’re so fucking proud of you, brother. Dad was too,” Hunter says. “One day we’ll own our own damn private jet, just you wait and see.”
“Maybe,” I reply, not particularly caring how our success is going to be measured in the future. To do that, I’d have to care.
“No maybe about it, Ash.”
My brother sounds so confident. He has no idea what’s going on inside my head. He’d have me in a straight-jacket if he did.
“For a little while, here in this barn, I thought I’d figured out what ‘doing better’ meant to me. And it wasn’t about money or private jets. It was giving my heart to the right woman first time. I thought I had that with Belle. I did have that with Belle.”
Hunter swipes a hand across his face. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but the fuck you did. If she was the right woman, she wouldn’t have upped and left without explanation days after Dad died. Whatever love you thought she was offering was all smoke and mirrors. You deserve better.”
“You’re wrong. It was my fault she left. I shouldn’t have told her about the McConkeys. I frightened her away.”
“Just listen to yourself,” Hunter says, losing patience. “You got in deeper with the McConkeys because of her, for fuck’s sake! And if risking your damn neck wasn’t good enough, then she was never the woman for you.”
I grind my teeth. “Are you saying we should be proud of what we did? Should I be proud of what I made you and Mace do?”
“You didn’t make us do anything, and as far as I’m concerned, our goals remain the same. We fight exploitation and we play to our strengths,” he says. “We are who we are.”
“Maybe I don’t like who I am,” I say gruffly. “And if I don’t, how could I ever expect Belle to?”
“You’ve answered your own question. You can’t. So for pity’s sake, move on. Don’t let a woman derail everything you’ve worked so hard to achieve.”
My vision wobbles as I stare upwards to what lies beyond. It’s not the tears welling in my eyes, or the solid roof that blocks my vision. It’s Belle. It’s the future I imagined for us, here on this scrap of land. “You don’t understand. Just wait until you fall in love.”
“Yeah, well, I can’t say I’m in any rush after seeing what it’s done to you,” he hits back. “I’d rather concentrate my efforts on working with people who’d appreciate our help. People who won’t be asking for pieces our hearts.”
“Good, because I don’t have one. Not anymore.”
“Maybe that’s for the best. There’s no knowing what we could achieve together – without love and shit fucking us over. There are people out there who are depending on us, Ash. They just don’t know it yet.”
I drag myself to sitting and swallow back a slug of whiskey.
I must need a drink because Hunter’s starting to make sense.
I still need to find Belle, if only to make sure she’s safe, but it might be better if I do that from a distance.
What we had together has to be allowed to wither and die.
Without a heart, this husk of a man can’t get hurt again. He can’t get distracted. He can’t feel.
Belle made her choice, and I need to make mine. And I should make it.
“She was the only one for me,” I confess, “and if I can’t have her, I don’t want anyone. From now on, I’m going to focus on the business and keep emotion out of it.” It feels almost freeing to say it out loud. I turn to Hunter. “Are you with me, brother?”
Hunter sits up, and swipes the dust off his suit jacket. “If it means getting you the fuck out of here, then yes, I can live with that. Hell, I can see it now,” he says, “the four of us living together in an eternal bachelor pad. I can’t think of anything better. Can you?”
“No,” I say, ignoring how the corners of my mouth want to pull down. The life I’d pictured with Belle is evaporating as quickly as the alcohol on my lips. “We keep women out of our plans. Now and forever.”
“I’ll drink to that,” Hunter says, reaching for the whiskey.
I hold the bottle at arm’s length so he can’t grab it. My expression darkens, snuffing out emotions I might still feel but don’t intend to acknowledge. “No one touches my whiskey.”
“Asshole,” my brother mutters, but he’s smiling as he gets to his feet. He reaches out to take my hand. “Let’s get out of here.”