Chapter 16
E very nerve in Jalon’s body danced on edge.
He gaped at Adam, unable to speak. Adam didn’t say anything either, but instead of surprise, there was determination in his cousin’s eyes.
He’d changed a lot since the last time Jalon had seen him.
His upper torso was broad, his biceps and forearms were muscular and strong.
Then Jalon saw Adam’s legs. Thin. Useless.
The guilt slammed into him like a brick to the gut.
Leanna entered the living room. “Whew, something stinks.” She eyed Jalon. “Or someone, rather.”
That gave Jalon an out, and without saying anything to his sister or cousin, he went upstairs and spent every last second he could in the shower.
When he couldn’t tarry any longer, he dressed and went to the kitchen.
His throat tightened as he sat down at the table.
He closed his eyes but couldn’t pray. He put a slice of meat loaf on his plate, but couldn’t bring himself to eat it.
He felt everyone’s eyes on him, including Phoebe’s, but he kept his head down.
He was paralyzed. The thought forced him to glance at Adam. Bad choice of words.
“How long are you visiting for?” Karen asked Adam, breaking the thick tension enveloping the room.
“It’s open-ended,” Leanna said.
“That seems to be yer answer to everything,” Adam muttered. He turned to Karen. “I’ll be here a few days.”
“Maybe longer.” Leanna scooped up a forkful of mashed potatoes.
What was his sister up to? He shot her a look, but she pretended not to notice. “Jalon should show you around Birch Creek,” she said to Adam. “It’s changed since you’ve been here.”
“Not much.” Jalon gripped his fork.
“Jalon taught me tricks with his yo-yo,” Malachi said. He was sitting next to Adam. Had insisted on it, actually. That had annoyed Jalon a bit.
“I remember how gut he was when we were kinner .” Adam took a bite of his bread.
“Do you know how to yo-yo?”
“I used to. Kind of hard for me to do it now.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s easier to yo-yo when you’re standing up.”
“Why don’t you stand up?”
The table went silent. “Malachi,” Phoebe whispered. “That’s not polite.”
Adam laughed. “It’s okay. He’s not the first person to ask.” He turned to Malachi. “I had an accident.”
“What kind of accident?”
“I have chores to do.” Jalon shoved away from the table, aware that he was abandoning yet another one of Phoebe’s delicious meals, which would either upset her or tick her off. Still, he couldn’t stop himself.
When he got outside, he took in big gulps of air.
Why, Lord? Why is Adam here now? Just when things were going .
.. okay. He couldn’t say great. He still didn’t have a job, he still didn’t know what he was going to do with the farm, and his relationship with Phoebe was like riding a seesaw.
But he’d felt a little happiness. A little hope.
Now all he felt was the ache of guilt and shame pressing down on his chest.
His cousin used to be his best friend. Now he couldn’t stand the sight of him. He couldn’t be in the same room with him. Which made Jalon feel like the lowest life-form on earth.
“Well,” Leanna said, picking up her tea glass. “That was rude.”
Phoebe couldn’t move. Jalon had looked physically ill from the moment he’d seen Adam in the living room.
The pallor of his skin had frightened her.
She glanced at Karen, who had her head down but wasn’t eating.
Adam was still, as if he were carved out of granite, his mouth in a flat, grim line.
Only Malachi and Leanna were acting somewhat normal.
“I told you it wasn’t a gut idea to surprise him.” Adam’s words were low. Serious. And edged with a sharpness that seemed in direct contrast to the easygoing man he’d been a moment ago.
But Leanna wasn’t fazed. “He needs shaking up sometimes.”
“So you used me to do it?”
She narrowed her eyes. “You know I’m not using you. Just like you know this has been a long time coming.”
“Malachi, would you help me with the dishes?” Karen said, rising and picking up her almost-full plate.
“Judah says that’s girls’ work.”
“Judah doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
“It’s okay.” Adam started putting on his gloves. “I’ll leave.”
“Adam,” Leanna said, the first sign of discomfort showing on her angular features.
“I’m talking about leaving the haus , not Birch Creek. I’m going to talk to him. That’s all.” He shoved on his other glove, then wheeled himself into the mudroom.
“Does he need any help?” Karen asked.
Leanna shook her head. “He can manage. Better than most people who walk.”
“Why doesn’t Adam walk?” Malachi asked.
If there was one thing consistent about Malachi, it was his persistence. Phoebe was about to chastise him again when Leanna said, “He had an accident. A very bad one, and it happened here.” There was a slight catch in her voice. “That’s why he’s in a wheelchair.”
“What happened?”
“He climbed a tree ...”
As Leanna explained Adam’s accident in vague detail to Malachi, Phoebe stiffened. Jalon hadn’t been overreacting to Malachi climbing that tree. He’d been thrust back into his past, terrified that the same thing that happened to Adam would happen to Malachi. Oh, Jalon.
She glanced at Karen. Saw the sadness in her eyes. And understood that Karen knew about the accident too.
“Why don’t you show me some of those yo-yo tricks?” Leanna said to Malachi.
“Okay.”
They left, and Phoebe stared at the food on the table. Another meal wasted, but that wasn’t her concern right now. She wanted to go to Jalon, to try to comfort him somehow. Regrets. Now she truly understood what he’d meant by that.
“I don’t understand why Leanna did this.” Karen sat down at the table, suddenly looking weary. “Was she trying to cause a rift between them?”
“Isn’t there one already?” Phoebe wondered if she’d misspoken. Who was she to infer anything about Jalon and Adam’s relationship? But at Karen’s nod she relaxed.
“The two of them have to work this out,” Karen said. “I just hope they can.”
Phoebe nodded, choosing to remain silent. She prayed they could too.
Adam entered the barn and looked at his cousin, who was standing by one of the horse’s stalls, his back to the barn entrance. “I’m not in the mood,” Jalon snapped, keeping his back to him.
Adam’s teeth clenched. He wasn’t about to let Jalon off the hook that easily. “In the mood for what?” Adam shot back, wheeling his chair closer to Jalon. “In the mood to talk, or are you only interested in sending me money and ignoring me the rest of the time?”
Jalon turned, opened his mouth to speak, then clamped it shut. “I deserve that.” He looked away. “That and so much more.”
Adam blew out a breath. “I don’t know how to get it through yer thick head after all these years. I don’t want yer money and I don’t blame you for what happened.”
“I egged you on.”
“And I climbed the tree. I would have climbed it whether you were there or not. I lost the use of mei legs that day. I also lost mei cousin ... who was also a gut friend.” His throat tightened. “That hurts more than anything.”
Jalon coughed, and Adam could see he was struggling with his emotions too. “You’re trying to make me feel better.”
“I’m trying to make you understand that I’m okay.
I’ve come to terms with this. Do I wish the accident never happened?
Of course. I wish I was standing here talking to you, instead of sitting in this chair.
But for whatever reason, this is God’s plan for me.
And I know it’s not his plan for you to beat yerself up over something that happened when we were kinner .
” He moved closer. “It was an accident, Jalon. Nee one was at fault, especially you.”
Jalon sat down on a hay bale. He didn’t say anything, just stared at his feet. Adam moved again until he was positioned in front of him. He can’t even look at me. “I’m not leaving, Jalon. You can’t run away from me anymore.”
“I’m not running away.”
“Then why haven’t you visited me? Why haven’t you given me those checks in person—not that I wanted them.”
He finally lifted his head. “I’m trying to help you.”
“I don’t need that kind of help. I’ve worked since I was fourteen years old. I’ve never lived on anyone’s handout.”
“Not even yer onkel ’s?”
So Jalon had kept tabs on him. Maybe he did care beyond assuaging his guilt. “I don’t mind doing that job.”
But his cousin must have seen something else on his face. “You’d rather be doing something else, though.”
“You’re right. I would. But mei disability isn’t the main reason I’m not getting work.
The job market stinks in Mespo. Not just for the Amish, but for the English too.
But that’s how it goes, just like in construction.
You get work sometimes, then you get laid off.
You geh with the flow. That’s something I’ve had to learn, not just with work but with life. ”
“Which is mei fault.”
“Would you stop saying that?” Adam raised his hands, frustrated. He wasn’t getting through to him. Then again, he couldn’t expect one conversation to change everything. Still, he couldn’t resist a parting shot. “You must be getting something out of this.”
Jalon frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Clearly it’s easier to hang on to the guilt than to forgive yerself .” He shook his head and started to turn his wheelchair, only to stop short. “I’d like us to be friends again.” An ache appeared in his throat. “I’ve missed you.”
Jalon didn’t say anything. Didn’t look at him. Yeah, nothing’s changed. That hurt Adam more than anything.
He rolled out of the barn and looked up at the evening sky, the clouds barely noticeable in the fading daylight.
He’d said everything that was on his heart.
He’d been honest, and he’d extended the olive branch, only to have his cousin clam up and retreat.
“There’s nothing else I can do, God,” he whispered.
“The rest is up to Jalon ... and up to you.”