Chapter 29
Twenty-Nine
With one more breath-stealing kiss,Xander abruptly tore away from my mouth. He had never pulled away from me before.
Surprised, I asked, “What are you doing?”
“You said you were stressed out,” he answered. His dark hair fell over his forehead in a swoop, and I resisted the urge to reach up and move the strands, to feel the silky softness against my fingertips. “I’m helping you relax.”
Before I could make sense of the comment, he migrated to the southern region of my body and ripped off my leggings. My body trembled with intense pleasure when his mouth landed right on my throbbing clit.
“Oh fuck,” I turned my face to the side and bit into the pillow, unsure if there were other people in the house who could hear me. Before him, I hadn’t had anyone go down on me in years. I thought it was a pleasure that’d be lost to me forever, and now I couldn’t remember how I survived without it.
With a strong grip on the backs of my thighs, he pushed my legs toward my chest, his mouth closing over my pussy once more and hungrily sucking on my clit. He held me firmly in place until my core tightened, and I bit my bottom lip.
“Fuck, baby,” he groaned against my sex, his tongue feeling hot and heavy against my most intimate part.
He moved down to my entrance, exploring and tasting, lapping up every last drop of my arousal. His tongue delved deep inside me, fucking me with such fervor that it was almost painful. I moaned uncontrollably when his fingers joined in to rub circles on my clit. Arching my back and gripping the sheets tightly, I felt the powerful waves of pleasure crash over me as Xander devoured me like it was his favorite meal.
My body gave out, and I came with his name on my lips, wondering if I should stop fighting him altogether and accept the fate he was handing me.
The part of me that had felt so lonely for so long couldn’t help but doubt if it was as bad as I made it out to be in my head. After all, my life with him had been significantly better than the one I had left behind.
Albeit heavily guarded, I was allowed to leave the house and feel the warmth of the sun on my face. Xander had seamlessly worked me into his friend group, and I didn’t have to entertain them. Rather, I was a part of their group. The worst thing he had done was trying to impregnate me—and even that was something I desperately wanted. Last, but not least, Xander had put himself in a terrible predicament with Henry because of me.
Stripping away my freedom was my only line in the sand, but Xander hadn’t brought up the conservatorship again. Maybe he changed his mind?
Perhaps this was Stockholm syndrome talking, and that was why I was making excuses for him. However, if I were to be susceptible to such a phenomenon, I would’ve felt a similar pull for Henry, too, right?
My resistance to Xander was crumbling like a pile of dry sand under the weight of his unrelenting attention. I could no longer recall what it was like to be an ignored wife, not since he had filled every moment of my day with his all-consuming attention. He devoured my every thought. His touch electrified me, running through my fingers like currents of desire, leaving me desperate and needy for more.
It wasn’t just his touch, though. I was also desperate to get back the best friend I had in Xander, where we laughed until our stomachs hurt. We shared an incomparable emotional connection—the three little words he said last night were proof of that.
“I love you.”
But what did I feel for Xander?
The way he showered me with meaningful gifts, his time, his devotion, and his words made me think that I was the crazy one for resisting him. If only he would admit to giving up his pursuit of my conservatorship, perhaps my heart would no longer hold back. While he hadn’t brought up the topic again, he also hadn’t taken back his intention.
Xander crawled forward, his biceps flexing as he held himself over me, hovering, his intense gaze fixed on me as usual. At some point, while I had been busy screaming his name, he had shed his clothes, leaving his bare chest and sculpted V exposed for my eyes to feast upon. His hair was sweat-soaked from his efforts and clung to his forehead, somehow adding to his sex appeal.
My God, he was ridiculously hot. It shouldn”t be allowed.
Looking at him was enough to send shivers down my spine and make my heart race. I tried to swallow, but the fluttering sensation in my stomach made it difficult.
He leaned forward, devouring me with his lips, a mix of desperation and longing. Our mouths clashed together, and I gave myself over entirely to him, greedily running my hands all over his sculpted body, feeling every hard muscle beneath my fingertips, before finally feeling the soft strands of his hair between my fingers.
He shuddered under my touch, his breath coming in sharp inhales as if he had been longing for my touch, and now that it was happening, it was physically painful. As if this one moment was the only thing that mattered in the world.
Suddenly, he gripped my legs and spread them wide open, his strong thighs wedging themselves between mine. Without hesitation, he positioned himself at my entrance. I was still drenched between my legs from the orgasm he had given me when he plunged inside with a primal force that left us both gasping for air.
“Fuck.” He meshed his teeth together. He pulled back only to thrust inside me harder. “Fuck, jailbird. I’m going to miss this so goddamn much tonight,” he groaned in agony at the thought of the short separation.
My cheeks must be sporting some shade of a deep, red color. “It’s just one night,” I murmured, a little in awe of how tortured he appeared at the idea of being away from me. Henry used to be gone for days on end without so much as a phone call, whereas Xander acted like the idea of a night away was physically killing him.
“I never want to spend even a second away from you,” he replied, his fingers returning to my swollen clit, making me squirm. “I’d rather follow you to your fucking grave than live without you again.”
Hearing him say these crazy things should make me run for the hills, but instead, I wanted to run into his arms. After being unwanted for so long, being wanted to this extent was a drug I’d never tire of. It was pathetic. I was pathetic.
But I couldn’t deny that something had shifted between us. Feelings that were already there, but I had refused to peek inside my own head or explore them out of fear of what they meant.
“If you can’t live without me, then why did you leave me in the first place?” The question slipped out of my lips without my permission. It was something I hadn’t been able to move on from. The memory of it had been too painful to revisit, and that image of him walking out of my wedding replayed in my head.
Xander stilled on top of me, his eyes boring into mine with a fierce intensity. “Because I couldn’t watch you be his wife,” he growled so loud that I nearly jumped. “Because you were supposed to be my wife. Not his.”
He angrily pushed inside me hard enough to make me grunt, the sheer force of his thrust almost had my head bang against the headboard.
“Xander—”
“I had to walk away because you didn’t choose me.” His hand wrapped around my throat. When I thought he’d apply pressure, he merely used the hold to keep me in place. “I never again wanted to feel the way I did that day. I spent years building a life, one where I could give you everything so you’d choose me. And he could never, ever take you away from me again.”
He rocked in and out of me with new vigor. Each movement revealed the defined muscles of his abdomen, flexing and rippling.
My thoughts careened, as I bit my lips so hard that I tasted blood. All this time, I thought that I had done something wrong to displease him or push him away when, all along, he had been waiting for me to make the first move. The idea hurt, and on the next thrust, I felt the ache of it everywhere, including my heart. Fuck, Xander.
Xander pressed his lips against my cheek and whispered, the words sending shivers down my spine. “How do you still not understand that you’re everything to me, Jordan? I fucking love you.”
My heart zigzagged inside my chest, unsure where to run. It was the second time he had said those words, and this time, they were ripping me in half for some reason. What he didn’t understand was how much he had meant to me, too. That day when he walked out of the wedding, he broke my heart into a million pieces.
“Tell me you love me, too.” His voice was pleading, almost desperate.
I blinked up at him, surprised, my lips parting and then closing.
“Say it,” he insisted.
He stared at me with such unnerving determination that I closed my eyes. There was something undeniable between us, but I didn’t know yet if it was love.
“I’m not him, Jordan,” he rasped, his words laced with pain. “I promise to give you everything you want. All you have to do is choose to love me.”
Choose?
Tears pricked my eyes at his choice of word. It made me feel so damn lonely for him. He wanted me to choose to love him, not realizing someone could fall deeply in love with a man like him even against their will. It made me remember the first time I had hugged him, only to realize later no one had comforted Xander before.
But he deserved better—someone who loved him of her own free will, not someone who chose to love him due to the adverse side effects of Stockholm Syndrome.
The irony was, what I felt for him so closely imitated the feeling that I thought it might be love. I just couldn’t be certain with the leash he put around my collar.
“I’ll give you everything, Jordan,” he dug his nose into my hair and spoke into it.
“My freedom, too?” I asked. It wasn’t until now I realized how desperately I needed him to tell me that he wouldn’t pursue my guardianship. Only then would I know whether this was real.
His eyes resembled two green oceans of exasperation. “That’s all you want, to get away from me?”
“I want a choice,” I whispered.
“You do have a choice?—”
“Only as long as I choose you.”
“Is that so bad?” he murmured, pushing into me again and making me moan.
“It can’t be love if there isn’t an option to choose otherwise,” I said softly.
He shook his head. “You have no idea how long I have waited for you. If I’m heavy-handed with you, it’s only because I’m terrified of living without you again.”
I wanted to believe him, to give in to the overwhelming desire I felt for him. But I also thought I loved Henry because I was never free to explore another emotion. Had Henry given me freedom, I would’ve known that I didn’t love the man. Xander deserved better. He deserved to hear those words after I was sure of them.
My silence had the opposite of the intended effect, and he ground harder against me until I could feel every inch of him inside me, claiming me. I tried to push him away, but he held me firmly in place, his breath hot against my skin.
“Say it already, Jordan,” he pleaded. “Tell me you love me.”
A part of me wanted to say the words, but his refusal to denounce the pursuit of conservatorship was dragging the most painful chapter of my life to the limelight. If he couldn’t promise to drop it, I couldn’t tell him I loved him.
He saw the conflict in my eyes and said something I never expected. “Lie to me.”
I frowned. “What?”
“Lie to me. Tell me you love me.”
“Xander—”
“Give me something to hold on to. Don’t tell me the one person I love more than anyone else in this world can’t even lie about loving me.” A gentle kiss on my lips was all it took to break down my walls completely.
“I love you.”
He closed his eyes as if he had waited eons to hear it and was savoring it. “Fuck. Say it again, baby, please.”
I didn’t know what compelled me to do it except it didn’t sound wrong—or dishonest—to utter the words. “I love you.”
His body contorted in the most primal display, his back arching as he thrust into me with a force that left me breathless. “More,” he grunted. “I need more. Tell me how long you’ve loved me.”
He gripped my thighs forcefully, pushing them wider apart as he dominated me with his physical prowess. My body convulsed with every powerful thrust.
“Years, I have loved you for years,” I cried.
An uncontrollable climax took hold of me, my mind consumed by the overwhelming erotic image before me.
“Tell me how you can’t live without me,” he grunted.
He tilted his hips and held himself at just the right angle, extending my orgasm in a way I never thought would be possible. I screamed. “I can’t live without you. I tried so many times to move on after you left, but I couldn’t even get out of bed. I stopped caring about everything the moment you left me because I love you so damn much.”
With one final thrust, he spilled himself inside me and collapsed against me as we both fought for breath.