XOXO

9. Ruwon

My mind is a landmine of bad memories.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we have begun our descent into Florence. Cabin crew, prepare for landing,” the pilot said in English and then in Italian.

I looked out my window, seeing the beautiful Italian landscape, ready to get off this damn airplane.

The turbulence on the entire ride had been awful, jolting me awake a few times and nearly sending me into panic attacks.

Before serving my mandatory nineteen months in the Korean military, I would fly all the time and I loved traveling, but flying had been one reason I hadn’t left Seoul as soon as I got out.

My mother had given me no choice and booked me a flight.

She said I’d better be on it and I knew she meant business.

My mind was dealing with the aftermath of the military and not very well.

I was so ready to get out, but my mind hadn’t left and I hated it.

My nineteen months weren't that bad. I had heard stories that made me grateful it wasn’t so bad.

What no one tells you is that going into the military, when you’re famous, was like putting a sign on my back that said kick me.

They said the military had moved on from bullying, but they had a long way to go.

The plane landed smoothly and I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding in.

Once the plane reached the gate, sounds of seatbelts clicking filled the cabin.

My chest tightened again as I stood up, grabbing my bag from the overhead bin.

Flying first class was always worth it being able to get out first.

I took my first deep breath outside of the plane, relaxing immediately, but when I walked out onto the concourse, the crowd and loud noises immediately overwhelmed me. My heart raced as I ran a hand over my shaved head that was slowly growing out.

All I had to do was make it outside, I told myself. The sooner I started walking, the sooner I could get out of here. I had only brought a carry-on bag, so no baggage carousel for me. The cool Italian air hit me, releasing the tension I was holding onto.

“Nae-saekki!”

My baby.

I knew that voice anywhere. I looked around for my mother, spotting her instantly.

“Eomma,” I called out.

Mom.

She rushed to me, throwing her arms around me, and I picked her up in a big hug. Fuck, I had missed her so much.

“I missed you,” I said in Korean.

“Oh Nae-saekki! I can finally breathe,” she said, as I put her down. “I know we would talk, but it wasn’t the same as feeling you right in front of me.”

She cupped my face, looking up at me with tears in her eyes.

“Eomma,” I said, clearing my throat. “It feels good to see you again.”

“Yes it does,” she sighed. “Let's get going, we have a lot to catch up on. Maya and Jaques are waiting for us at the winery.”

“Good, I need a drink,” I said, following her to a car.

The driver took my bag as I thanked him, sliding into the backseat with my mother.

“You look huge, Nae-saekki. I don’t think I've ever seen you look like this, not even when you did that period drama,” she said, looking me up and down.

The only benefit to the military, I was in the best shape of my life. I flexed my arm and she laughed, swatting my arm.

“I see your big ego hasn’t gone away.”

“I look good, I can’t help that,” I grinned, feeling more at ease than I had in almost two years.

I should have come to see her immediately.

“How are the girls?” I asked.

“Your sisters are great. Hanuel is going to rule the world one day. Argues for everything and anything, but that's what is going to make her a great lawyer,” Mother said fondly. “And Dae is about to land her first role in a short film.”

“She still has dreams of acting?” I grimaced.

“Yes, but she’s different and it’s not dramas,” my mother said optimistically.

“Tell her to stay away from K-dramas,” I grumbled. “Tell her to act in America or anywhere else. She won’t be under so much pressure to keep working and her wants and needs won’t be dismissed.”

“She knows,” she said. “The short film is in Italy.”

“Really?” Relief flooded me. “That’s great. She deserves an acting career she can manage without the pressure.”

“She’s a smart woman,” she said proudly.

“They both are,” I said, missing them more.

“They wanted to come by, but things are busy for them.” She rolled her eyes. “They send their love and hope to see you soon.”

“It’s ok. If they can’t come to me, I’ll make it out to them,” I said, recognizing the road we were on. “Maybe I can entice them with a little shopping.”

“You and Bosco spoil them too much,” she sighed.

“They are our bambinas, they deserve to be spoiled,” I said, looking out the window admiring the gorgeous countryside. “How is Bosco?”

“Good, textiles are doing good and he’s had an increase in sales, so he has been busy,” she said fondly. “He will be here by the end of the week to accompany us to the coast.”

“I haven’t been down there in forever. I’m excited,” I said, seeing the scenery turn into vines. “I can’t wait to see the new house.”

“Oh, it's gorgeous,” she said wistfully. “Everything I could have ever dreamed of.”

“That’s good, Eomma,” I said reaching over to hold her hand. “I’m glad he gives you everything you want.”

“You both do, you have me and the girls spoiled.” She squeezed my hand.

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” I said.

“I suppose not,” she grinned. “Now tell me about your service.”

My heart dropped. I was hoping she would not ask.

“It’s the military,” I shrugged, looking out the window again, hoping she didn’t press for more.

“I know that look,” she sighed. “Your father had a horrible experience, and I was hoping you would be spared.”

She never talked about my father. I turned towards her with my brows raised.

“The brutal treatment of the new men in the military was horrible,” she sighed. “He never told me anything specific, but his years in the military changed him and not for the best, as you know.”

“We served at different times and he tried to make it his career,” I said, feeling self-conscious about my issues.

Was I making a big deal out of nothing?

“Doesn’t matter, you both had to serve and I know it must not have been easy,” she said sadly. “The few mothers I still keep in touch with all said different things about their son’s times serving. I was hoping you would have an easier service, but it seems like I was wrong.”

“It wasn’t bad, but the bullying is still prevalent even though they say they are doing better,” I said thoughtfully, wondering what I should tell her.

“Being an actor felt like a hindrance. In the first squad I was in, they did not like me because I was an actor. My superiors bullied me because of it, then some of the enlisted joined in too.”

“Men are such idiots. All this masculine energy and all they think to use it for is bullying,” she scoffed. “You're a better man than them, and they knew that.”

“Once I got transferred it got better. Working with the KATUSA wasn’t so bad, but I could feel the tension any time I was near certain people or superiors who thought badly of me, even if I did everything that was asked of me,” I sighed, trying not to tell her all the bad shit I saw happen.

“The Americans and Koreans there didn’t care who I was, as long as I did my duty. ”

The tension at the border was becoming more hostile, but that wasn’t something that was told to the public, and I didn’t know if she was ready for more truth than what I was giving her.

“Well, I’m glad you’re finally out,” she said, squeezing my hand. “I’m glad you're the only one I have to send for service, too.”

“I’m glad too,” I said. “Sending my brother would be awful.”

“Have you thought about talking to someone?”

I tried not to grimace, but it was hard. “No, I mean I wasn’t…it's not like I have PTSD.”

“You don’t have to go to war to have PTSD, Nae-saekki,” she sighed.

“I know that, but I just—”

“Look, you didn’t go with Matteo and Levi to that music festival you always go to.

I know you’re not telling me something, but please just think of talking to someone, even if it’s just to get the all-clear,” she said, turning towards me slightly.

“I just want to make sure you are ok. Physically and mentally, it would make—”

“I have an appointment in two weeks online with a woman who was referred to me by my agent. He suggested one appointment to see if I need it,” I said, exhaling harshly, hating when she pulled the ‘I care about you’ card.

“If you’re lying to me, Ruwon—”

“I’m not.” I grabbed my phone looking for the email confirmation I had received. “See?”

She leaned forward, squinting as she looked at the phone. Even at thirty, my mom scared me a bit, hence the reason why I got on the plane.

“Good, it’s always good to talk to someone who isn’t related to you or is your best friend," she said, patting my shoulder. “And there is no shame in going back to her if you need it.

My phone rang.

“Ah, speak of the devils,” she said, as I turned the phone to see Levi’s name.

I couldn’t help but smile, but also felt bad for ditching them.

“Hey, Gomdori,” I said, switching to English.

“Hey, Ru. How's it going? Did you land in Italy already?” Levi said, as I heard faint music in the background.

“How the hell did you know I was flying in today?”

“There are no secrets, you know that,” he chuckled.

I sighed. “The gossip chain is faster than the news,” I said, looking at my mother.

“I was excited that my baby boy was finally coming to Italy,” she said in English.

“You know our parents can't keep anything from each other,” Matteo said. “Ciao, Mammina.”

“Hello, darling,” she said. “Having fun?”

“Yeah, it’s good. We just wanted to make sure Ru was ok and if he made it to Italy,” he said, making my mom melt.

“Oh, you and Levi are such good boys,” she said, looking at the phone fondly.

“Kiss-ass,” I murmured.

Matteo laughed. “You’re just jealous your mom loves me more.”

A woman’s voice calling out for Levi caught my attention.

“Who is that?” I asked, as we arrived at the winery.

“Oh that’s…è lei la ragazza di cui ti parlavo,” he said, switching to Italian

That’s the girl I was talking about.

“Wow, he invited her to the festival?” I ran my hand through my hair, getting invested in where this was going.

“No, l’abbiamo incontrata per caso.”

No, we ran into her.

“Damn and are you ok?” My mother raised her brows at me.

“No…I don’t know. I’m confused,” he sighed, going back to English.

“Well, if you need me, I’m here,” I said, as we parked in front of the winery.

“Yeah, I know, I just—”

“Hey, Ru, we gotta head out,” Levi interrupted him. “GIVEON is playing tonight so I’ll send you a lot of videos.”

“Yeah, please do,” I chuckled.

“Love you, byeee!”

“Have fun,” I said, right before he disconnected the call.

The driver opened my mother’s door and I opened my own, seeing two people who I love almost as much as my mother, come up to me.

“Piccolino!”

Little one.

“Mijo!”

My son.

Matteo's mother Maya and Levi’s dad Jaques walked to me, enveloping me in a big hug. They might not be my blood relatives, but they were more family than a lot of my flesh and blood.

“I’ve missed you,” I said in English, squeezing them.

“We’ve missed you too, mijo,” Jaques said, holding me just as tight.

“Let me look at you.” Maya leaned back, holding my face as I leaned down so she didn’t have to reach up.

She was petite like my mother. Matteo looked so much like her that a pang of longing hit me for my best friends.

“You need to eat,” she said, after she studied me. “You look thin.”

I laughed.

“Maya he’s gotten bigger, look at his arms,” Jaques said pointing at my arms.

“Too much muscle, we need to give you some cushion,” she said, holding my hand and dragging me into the winery. “I made that ravioli you like and those matcha cannoli’s.”

Another weight lifted off me as Jaques and Maya argued about feeding me too much and how I needed to try the new wine first as my mom watched us.

Her friendship with them was very much like my own with Matteo and Levi.

They were the reason I was best friends with them.

I would be lucky if my friendship would last like theirs had.

They spent the rest of the day fussing over me and for the first time in nineteen months I felt like I wasn’t in fight or flight. I felt safe.