23 - Samantha
I’m lying in a casket. My hands are neatly folded across my motionless chest, while the puffy, silk lining hugs the perimeter of my cold lifeless body. My makeup is weird in a fake natural sort of way. I’m so still.
Gasp! My eyes pop open as I wake up in a sweat. I frantically look around and see my familiar bedroom with my mismatched blankets and pillows. It’s quiet. Dark. I try to steady my breathing, but tears come instead. I hold my head in my hands and attempt to shake the images left in my brain from the horrific nightmare that woke me. Turning on my light, I quietly walk to my bathroom and splash some cool water on my face and neck. I try to convince myself it was all fake. I keep chanting to myself it was just a dream; it was just a dream. But nothing soothes me.
I was dead. “Why did I have to dream that? UGH!”
Just then my phone vibrates on my nightstand.
Phillip: Saw your light on... U ok?
Maybe Phillip can’t sleep either, I think.
BAD nightmare. Scared. Miss you. Come over?
Bubbles move immediately.
Phillip: On my way
I open my balcony door and wait. At first, I try to peer out into the yard to watch for him, but my eyes won’t cooperate. They’re still bogged down with tear residue and will not focus, so I give up, sitting on my bed trying to dry my eyes more.
Pretty soon my prince arrives. Phillip peeks his head in slowly. “Samantha?” he whispers, so he doesn’t startle me. He’s gotten good at being quiet. This isn’t his first time climbing up to my room since we started seeing each other.
“Hi,” I whisper back, but that’s all I can manage. Suddenly, when I see his worried expression, I’m overwhelmed because my fears haunt me all over again. So much for dry eyes.
He rushes over to me and sits beside me on the edge of my bed. “Shh.” He opens his arms and in one swift motion, sweeps me into them. I climb onto his lap, and he gently rocks me while holding me. “What happened in your dream?”
“It was awful,” I cry, sniffing back tears. “I was dead. There’s no other way to put it. I was in a cold funeral home just lying stiff and lifeless in a casket.” I can vividly see the shocking image as I explain the dream. It’s even scarier to say it out loud to Phillip than it is to remember it. If I’m dead, I leave behind the ones I love and cherish, and I can’t handle that.
“Awe, baby.” He squeezes me tighter, drawing me closer to him. “You know it was just a bad dream, right? That won’t happen.”
Deep down, I know he has to be right. But there’s still the fact that my kidneys are trying their best to give out. Dialysis isn’t the unsung hero. It won’t solve everything.
He protects me in his secure embrace, but I pull him closer still. “I know, but it scares me so much.”
He pulls back just enough to look me in the eyes.
“Listen, I know you’re scared,” he starts, “I am too. But I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. We’ll get through this. I promise.” I nod my head in agreement. He lifts my chin so I’ll look at him again. “Samantha Stone, I love you. You are going to get over this illness,” he desperately promises.
I’m not sure if the promises are more for him or me. But reminding us both that I’ll be ok is what we need to survive my nightmare. How can I argue with Phillip? His comforting eyes and encouraging smile are enough to make me surrender.
“You’re right. You know exactly what I need to hear.” He leans in for a slow, gentle kiss and that’s the icing on my cake.
“Want to curl up like we did in the hospital?” He knows I love him holding me. And it helps me relax. When I’m in his arms, I’m protected and safe and I can rest because for a short time, his embrace keeps away all the bad thoughts and the illness.
“Yes,” I whisper, making my puppy-dog face pleading with my eyes. When I stayed overnight in the hospital for my kidney biopsy, Phillip climbed in bed with me. It was the sweetest thing. Of course, we didn’t have much room because hospital beds are narrow, but he laid on his side next to me and we made it work.
I get up from his lap and crawl toward my headboard. Phillip fluffs my pillows and reaches for the extra blanket at the foot of my bed. He covers us lightly with my extra blanket.
“I’ll set my phone for a couple hours from now,” he whispers, quickly setting the alarm. I turn toward his chest. Phillip lays on his side and cups his arms around me. Before I settle in totally, I look up at him searching, for what I’m not sure. “No more bad dreams tonight, ok?” he reassures me. I’m relieved to have him with me. “How about something good to think about? A good night kiss?”
“I could go for that.” This makes me smile because he always seems to know what I need without me having to ask or even before I know what it is. And I especially like it when Phillip kisses me. My body always feels carbonated and sizzly all over and I like that feeling. It’s definitely better than the dark thoughts that sometimes try to swallow me whole.
Phillip leans in cupping the back of my head. He takes my face in his hands and slowly brushes his lips to mine, gently at first, then begins to move feverishly. His hair is tangled between my fingers as I grasp at the back of his head, focusing on keeping us locked together. His hands fade in different directions. One tangles itself in my hair, the other pushes my back, forcing the space between us to disappear. Without much thought, I hook a leg over his hip. He grabs my knee, pulling me closer and when I begin pawing at his t-shirt, wanting him to take it off, his kissing slows down.
“Baby?” Phillip tries to get my attention. I like my nickname, but at this moment all I want is to explore. Beginning with taking his shirt off. I let his whisper escape, but I ignore it and move on to his neck tracing a line to his ear lobe. When I take his earlobe into my mouth, toying with it, his body coils snatching me closer.
“Not fair!” Phillip whispers, grabbing me quickly. In one swift move, I’m pinned against my pillows with my arms above my head. He’s hovering above me, breathing heavily but being careful not to crush me with his weight. He’s close enough to grind against. “What happened to a good night kiss?” he asks, his chest still heaving. My breathing isn’t exactly steady either. My heart’s thumping against my ribcage and I tingle all over.
“Umm, that was a good kiss goodnight,” I giggle. I have to admit, it’s one of the best he’s ever given me. And that’s saying a lot. His lips become an illegal weapon against my defenses any time I touch them.
“Yeah, but it’s supposed to be just a kiss,” Phillip explains. His breathing has almost returned to normal.
“Hmph,” I pout. “But you were so enthusiastic, I got carried away.”
“I was just trying to erase your nightmare,” he teases. His devilish grin is irresistible.
“Mission accomplished.” I’m more than awake now, but he kisses the tip of my nose and releases my arms to assume his position at my back. He opens his arms like before and I nestle in. Phillip cradles me, pulling me toward his muscular chest.
“I love you, Wallflower. Sweet dreams.” He kisses the top of my head, and I can feel him rest his chin there.
“I love you, too. Good night.”
A few minutes later, I feel myself drifting back to sleep. I’m more than comfortable and amazingly, I don’t feel sick. Now that I feel impossibly safe and protected, like nothing bad can happen, I can finally relax. My tension and anxiety melt away first leaving my chest and stomach, continuing through my arms and legs and at last all my previous fears exit my toes and fingertips as I drift into slumber. My prince holds me and I’m sleeping as soundly as Sleeping Beauty herself.