32 - Samantha
Tears fall at the thoughtthat I drove him away. I quickly flush and wash my hands, then go out the front door ready to chase after him. I come to an abrupt halt on my porch when I don’t see him walking across his yard.
“You only see your illness.” His voice is barely above a whisper, coming from the porch swing. My heart that was just in my throat, lowers to pound in my chest. He didn’t leave.
“Phillip—” I croak.
“I only see your kindness, your wicked creative talent, your beauty, and your frustrations. I see it all because I see you.”
My shoulders slump as I step toward him. I sigh. “I read more into it, I’m sorry. My bad.” I shake my head and allow my eyes to open, but I can only look at his chin. Not his eyes. “Let’s drop it.”
“You see rejection, and I’m sorry to be the one to do it tonight. But I’m not here because I don’t want to be there.” He points across the street to his house. Then he stands from the porch swing and steps to meet me, closing the distance between us. He lays his hand on my heart. “I’m here because I’m where my heart is.”
More tears rapidly fall and I shiver. Its cold outside. Phillip guides me back into the house, over to the couch and wraps a blanket around me.
“Wallflower, what got you so upset? Please tell me,” he pleads, putting his arms around me.
I’m still embarrassed beyond belief. My cheeks scorch for as red as they feel. I’m at least thankful we only have the light from the television flickering in the room.
“For one fraction of a second, I didn’t feel good enough. It’s that whole never wanted thing that bitch slapped me earlier.” I can’t believe I admitted the truth, but at the same time, I’ve always been able to tell Phillip anything. My cheeks continue to burn like fire. I’m positive I haven’t had that much color in my face in a long time. “I know it’s dumb.”
“I only suggested we wait. I didn’t say never.” His voice is soft and tender. He laces his fingers, intertwining them with mine. “I wasn’t aware you felt inadequate.”
He’s gentle, curious, and loving. I wish I could hit the rewind button and edit what I thought and what I said.
“Small secret about me. I’m like an emotional cutter. I sometimes think the worst of myself. If you think about it, my mother gave me up at the first idea of me.” He sits quietly giving me his full attention. “And I suppose when things don’t go my way, I let myself feel like I’m substandard. It’s why it’s easy for me to stay on the sidelines and take pictures of everyone else getting their moments.” I chance a look at Phillip but then quickly look down again. “Not so much since you happened.” I take his hand in mine and continue talking. “It’s like my illness. My body doesn’t cooperate half the time, and several times I’ve thought about complaining to the manufacturer.”
Phillip doesn’t laugh at me, but one side of his mouth curls enjoying my description. He leans over to my ear and whispers, “I don’t have any complaints.”
I appreciate that while I feel one single warm tear fall down my fiery cheek. “You can see though, can’t you? I’m really sorry I read into your suggestion wrong.” I use my fingers to make air quotes to emphasize the word suggestion. “I overreacted and I’m sorry.”
“Wallflower—”
“And I know it’s your dad’s doing, and you hate it, but you’ve got all those colleges wanting you. I’ll be lucky if I go at all.” Now, I’m getting everything off my chest. I’ve come this far; I might as well keep going. “You’ve got the world at your feet. Every neighboring state college is offering you scholarships for you to play for them. All you have to do is pick one.”
Phillip breaks his silence. “You are special—”
“This is coming out wrong. I’m not jealous or anything. I’m proud of you. I am so proud of you and happy for you and tonight you gave me one of my biggest dreams seeing my picture in a gallery but—”
“Samantha. You. Are. Special. You have a rare gift with your photography. You see people. You see beyond social status, and attitudes and cliques. What did you tell me in the darkroom all those months ago? You want all our classmates to have good memories of high school. That’s why Yearbook is so important to you. You want everyone to feel significant, and in your pictures they do. They don’t have to feel insecure in the pages of the yearbook.” Just when I thought my cheeks could cool down, they begin to flare again. This time, it’s a different embarrassment. He’s singing my praises and I’m getting overwhelmed. “You could work for some major magazines or the movies even,” he continues. “And you are beautiful. Not just looks. You’re genuine and you don’t care about trying to be something you’re not, like all the other girls at school. They’re all full of bullshit and you’re not. That makes you beautiful.”
“Nobody thought so before you came along.” I pause. “Not that I was interested in anyone else ever, but someone having interest in me might have been reinforcement that I was at least desirable.”
Suddenly, Phillip looks troubled, like he needs to seek a confessional. “That might be my fault. A few of the guys have made comments before we were together, but I knew what shallow interests they had, and I squashed their interests real quick.” He swallows hard but keeps eye contact. “Sorry, but I couldn’t handle the thought of someone hurting you.”
Bewildered and somewhat impressed I have to ask. “What? How?”
“I may have threatened a few lives.” He lifts a shoulder noncommittal, but his eyes are also pleading for forgiveness. “My intentions were in the right place. I didn’t want you being used by those creeps.” I keep listening. “And as for football. I don’t want to play football and I don’t want to be anywhere without you. So, you tell me where you’re going to school and that’s where I’ll go.”
I scoff at that one. “Right. Me at college. That’s a hoot. If I don’t get better, it’ll be the University of my Internet or nowhere at all. I might not have a future.”
“Sam, don’t do this. You’ll get better. You’re just having a moment.” He runs his fingers through his hair, upset. “You can’t speak about not getting better. It’s not an option.”
His words cut through me.
“I’m sorry.” I feel ashamed.
“Don’t be sorry. I love you, Samantha. Roxy loves you and in a twisted way I think your mom does too.” He cradles me in his warm arms, and I nestle into his neck and chest. This is the way I like us best. I feel protected and important when he holds me. “And you’ll get better soon. Don’t ever forget that. The doctors are doing what they can and you’re on the transplant list and doing your dialysis. I’ll be here with you every step of the way.”
“You can’t be something I have to recover from,” I admit in a low shaky voice.
Phillip squeezes me tight. “You won’t have to. I go where you go. I won’t be separated from you. I love you too much.” He kisses my forehead as I look up at him.
“I love you too, Phillip Ward.”
“Can I do anything to help you feel better?”
His remorseful expression is more than I can take. I feel like I ruined our night and yet I think it was good for me to release the worries I’ve been harboring. “I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I ruined our Valentine’s Day by causing a fight after everything you did for me. I suck!”
“No, you don’t.”
“You almost left!” I’m bordering on hysterical again.
“I just don’t like arguments.” He touches my cheek. “I had to cool down a minute.”
“Can you forgive me?”
“You’re not upset anymore that I want to wait?”
I laugh. “Disappointed, yes. Mad, no. Doesn’t matter anymore even if you did change your mind. I’m out of commission for the next few days.”
A crease forms between Phillip’s eyes before realization dawns. “Did you just get —”
Embarrassed, I clamp a hand over his mouth.
“Yaw peewee-odd?” He says behind his muffled mouth, eyes full of both mirth and sympathy.
“Don’t say it.” I pull my hand away.
“It’s ok, baby. It’s just a thing.”
“I don’t like talking about it. I never have. Sorry.”
“You’re definitely opposite of my sister.” He pats his lap and holds his arms out. I climb over and assume the fetal position so he can rock me like he’s done so many times before when I don’t feel well.
“Yeah, well she’s half the reason I have a complex talking about it.” I hate discussing my period with anyone, especially Cynthia. “She practically announces it as a pass to speak ‘bitchenese’ to everyone for a week.”
He laughs as that and a sudden mischievous gleam lights his eyes. “I have an idea.”
“What kind of an idea?”
“A compromise of sorts. Like a game.”
“Now I’m intrigued.”
“You want to be close to me in ways no one else has been.” He brushes his lips across mine. “I can still give you that, but with keeping things off limits to a degree.”
“How?”
Phillip pulls me closer to him and nuzzles his face into my neck. “This is one of my favorites.” His breath brushes my ear making a shiver down my neck. “I love the way you smell and feeling your pulse beat when I kiss this spot.” Phillip kisses the exact spot on my neck that creates a blast of warmth throughout my body and my pulse picks up. I can feel him smile against my skin.
“I think it’s one of my favorites now too.”
“We can find a lot of places on each other that maybe feel the same, or better.” He pulls my shirt off my shoulder just a little and kisses the top of it. “Like this.”
“Like a game?” I lean into his touch.
“Sure, why not?”
“Games have rules. What’s our rules gonna be?”
“Well, given the current discussion and conditions...” he quirks a sexy eyebrow, running a fingertip along my waistband insinuating everything below it, “if it’s in the bikini area for you or me, we’ll leave it off limits for tonight. Exploration anywhere else is fair game.”
I lean closer to him. He bites his lip, lowering his eyes to my mouth.
“What kind of exploration are we talking?”
Phillip moves to lay me back on the couch, my back against the arm and my feet in his lap. I watch in rapt curiosity, wondering what he’s setting me up for. He lifts a leg and inches the fabric of my stretch pants up to expose my calf. Setting my foot on his shoulder, he turns until I feel his breath on my ankle.
“Anyone ever kiss you here?” Phillip touches his mouth to my ankle bone, planting a soft kiss there.
Goosebumps erupt on my skin. Shit. “You know no one has.”
“I like that reaction.” He pulls my pantleg back down. “Phillip 1, Samantha 0.”
Creative and sensual. Ok. Let me think.
I sit up and push him back, lifting his shirt. “How do we determine a winner?”
“I haven’t thought that far ahead.”
I reach for his hat and put it on my own head backwards and wink. Phillip’s eyes widen. “That’s kinda hot. I’m thinking you need a hat of your own.”
“We’ll see.” I lift his shirt, remembering how tracing his abs earlier made him tense. But instead of going for one right in front, I lean down and kiss the side of his ribs completely away from his waistband. I lift my head and look him in the eye. “Anyone kiss you there before?” I smile. “1 to 1.”
Phillip’s never had a girlfriend that I’m aware of. We’ve been open with each other on that front. I’ve never dated anyone before either so this exploration is a first time for both of us. This toying with each other is fun and relaxing and is also making me feel things I didn’t know I could with only simple touches.
His look is smoldering. Clearly, he’s rethinking this game. Or of ways to win.
Wordless, he stands and lifts me to stand with him. He spins me around, facing away from him, and lifts my sweatshirt over my head. I still have a tank top on. He moves the coffee table and spreads a blanket down on the carpet. Phillip takes my hand and pulls me to join him on the floor where he nudges me to lay on my stomach. The movie is still playing but I can barely hear it, unable to concentrate on anything else but us.
He pulls his shirt off, casting it on the couch with my sweatshirt.
“It’s your move,” I remind him, breathless for his attack. I feel like we’re playing human chess.
I’m still on my stomach when he hovers above me on all fours, slowly taking the edge of my tank and dragging it halfway up my back. He stops to kiss me three times along the bottom of my bra strap.
A shiver runs down my spine. Oh my God.
“Do you like this game?” He whispers near my ear. He sounds breathless and I love that.
“Yes.”
“2-1. Your move.”
I roll to my side, trying to think of ways to top that. Phillip is giving me so much more than I could have asked for. We’re being intimate in a way that’s next level, while still being safe and cautious.
I sit up next to him. “Lay on your back and put your hands behind your head.” Phillip does exactly what I ask. Shamelessly, I let my eyes rove over his body, taking in all the muscles. I can’t help it. He’s hot and I’m enjoying the view.
He watches me, waiting to see what I’ll do. Still sitting next to him, I reach across and lightly trail a fingertip along his chest, circling his nipple. It peaks. “I’ll be damned.”
Phillip laughs a little, coiling as if he might do a sit up. “Yeah, that’s sensitive.”
“I didn’t realize.” I draw my hand back, amazed. “I was honestly just curious about that.”
“Lick it,” Phillip demands with a shuddered breath. His hands are still behind his head, his arm muscles strained like he might be fisting his hair.
“But it’s your turn.”
“I don’t care, go again please.” He swallows hard.
I can’t make sense of my body. I feel warm and frenzied all over with his simple request. Instead of making him go next, I dip my head and flick my tongue out tentatively at first, then I circle his nipple like I’m licking an ice cream cone. His skin pebbles.
“Shit.”
“Are we 2-2?”
“I think we’re 2-3, you’re winning.” Phillip’s breathing is little erratic as he sits up.
“I thought that only tied things up.”
“You get extra points for that.” He drags a hand down his face, considering his next play.
“Your turn—”
Phillip crashes his lips to mine, wrapping his arm around my waist, holding the back of my head with his other hand. His kiss is urgent, tongue diving deep and searching. His fingers lace through my hair knocking his hat off. When we need air, he rips his lips away, our chests heaving.
“We’re even.”
The credits are playing on the television. Phillip looks in my eyes and kisses me tenderly on the lips, soothing the roughness away.
“I like your game,” I whisper and climb onto his lap, straddling him. I lift his wrist to my mouth and kiss it before placing his arms around me in a hug.
“I like it too.” He kisses the tip of my nose.
“Your move.” The anticipation of what he’ll do next keeps me guessing.
He dips his forehead to touch mine, closing his eyes and breathing slowly to calm himself. “If I’m trying to be good, I’m not sure how much more I can take.”
I don’t want to push Phillip any further. Not after everything we talked about. This game is fun. A compromise. An olive branch extended from my boyfriend whose body says he wants things, but his brain keeps us in check. Delicately balancing his hormone-crazy girlfriend. I’m going to play nice.
I pull back and run my fingers through his hair. “If you want to stop, we can. We can put another movie in.”
“We will. But I want my last move first.”
My heart speeds up, excited. Breathless, I agree.
“Lay down again. On your back this time,” Phillip practically orders, but I scramble off his lap and obey, watching him expectantly.
Decision made, he hovers over me, still shirtless. He nudges my thighs with his knee, spreading my legs for him to rest between them. He props himself on his elbows and touches my face.
“One of these days we’ll do this,” he promises, flexing his hips once, then twice. “But for now, I’ll end the game with this.” He trails his nose along my throat inhaling along my neck. He dips further down, tugging on my tank top exposing the swell of my breast. He brushes a thumb across, leaving my bra in place. Phillip begins to crawl backwards down my body, enough to rest his chin between my breasts while looking up at me. “I have a confession.”
I trace his hair away from his forehead, curling my fingertips behind his ear. He closes his eyes, enjoying the feel of it.
“What’s your confession?”
“Two things.” I nod to let him know he’s got my full attention. “One, I want to leave a hickey right here.” He touches the swell of my breast.
“Two?”
“I’m not as much of a saint as I’m trying to be. I’m more typical guy than I like sometimes.”
“Meaning?”
“I’ve thought of you, of us, naked more than I’d like to admit.” He says this while trailing a fingertip along my skin, his cheeks blushing a little.
“And I have no objections to either one.” I toy with his earlobe, enjoying the feel of his touch.
“Not this week, but next time we play like this, I want you to read out of one of your favorite romance books and let me do some of what it describes.”
A tingle skitters along my body from head to toe at his request. With an unsteady breath, I agree. “I think I’d like that.”
He smiles, shyly ducking his eyes. He’s beautiful in his vulnerability and innocence, showing me this side of him right now.
“I haven’t been with anybody, Samantha. You know that.”
“Me either.”
“I’m still not saying we’ll do everything, but it’s nice to explore.” He rubs his chin where it rests, his eyes looking up at me, full of innocent passion.
“I like having my firsts with you.”
Phillip lifts his body and rises to kiss me, slanting his mouth to deepen it before pulling back. “Think of the movie you want,” he grins, quirking his sexy eyebrow. “I’m leaving my mark right here and then we’re going to snuggle.”
“I know just the movie.” I wait for Phillip to touch his mouth to my skin once more, making this a memorable night.