37 - Samantha
Toward the end of theevening when couples begin leaving for their after-prom activities, Phillip whisks me away to his truck. I’m not sure what we’ll do. We never really discussed it. Usually, my energy level is temperamental at best, not to mention my long list of other side effects that can flare up at any given moment. Maybe we’ll watch a movie.
“Where are we going?” I’m surprised when Phillip turns out of the Devaroe driveway in the opposite direction of home.
Phillip gives me a sideways glance then smiles. “It’s a surprise.”
“Another?”
“It’s ok, I cleared it with Roxy.”
I have to admit, I’m impressed. And excited. If I was beginning to feel tired, I’m now renewed with a new sense of adventure.
Twenty minutes or so pass before we reach a thickly wooded area where we turn into an almost hidden driveway. It’s dark out and I have no idea how Phillip ever found the turn. My eyes begin searching through the darkness, looking for anything familiar. As our path leads deeper into the woods, a shape emerges. A log cabin.
“Here we are.” Phillip puts the truck in park and kills the engine. “It’s my Aunt Lizzie’s cabin. Do you like it?”
I like to be anywhere with Phillip, and after getting out of the truck, we approach a quaint wooden cabin with a wraparound porch seated in the middle of nowhere. Its rustic charm is highlighted by the moonlight and upon stepping onto the porch, I see that beyond the back of the cabin is a shimmering lake edged with more trees and landscape. It’s secluded. It’s intimate. It’s perfect.
“This is wonderful!” We’re in a world that only involves the two of us, away from everyone and everything, and I love it.
“Roxy packed an overnight bag for you,” he explains, following behind me.
“You really did take care of all the details,” I smile, looking around the room. He sits our bags on the bed then walks across to the fireplace where wood is ready and waiting.
“Want me to build a fire?” His expectant eyes are eager to please.
“In a minute. Will you come here?”
A few quick steps and Phillip’s standing right in front of me. “Is it ok? I thought you might like a night away from home.” He sounds fractionally alarmed.
“Oh, this is perfect.” I slip my arms around him, and he automatically wraps his around me. “I just wanted a hug. You’ve spoiled me so much, thank you.”
“You deserve to be happy, Wallflower.” I feel his breath on the top of my head, and I give him a squeeze. A shiver runs down my spine. “You’re cold, how about I build that fire?”
“Ok.”
Phillip starts one in no time flat. I’m standing in front of the bathroom mirror trying to figure out where all the pins in my hair are hiding, when he appears behind me.
“Here, let me help you with that.”
I drop my arms, willingly letting him take over the meticulous hunt for pins. And when found, one by one drops ringlets of curls down my back. Looking in the mirror, I can see he’s folded his dress sleeves up to have out of the way when messing in the fireplace. He’s also removed his tie and vest and has unbuttoned the top two buttons of his shirt. I can see his chest peeking through the loose ‘V’ of open material. I want to kiss him there.
“Last one.” He hands me the pin then wraps his arms around my waist and rests his chin on my shoulder, staring back at the reflection in the mirror.
“Thank you,” I say, relieved. “That feels so much better.”
“You’re beautiful.” Phillip’s gaze is both warm and mesmerizing. He gently tilts my head to the side and pushes my hair over my shoulder to kiss the base of my neck. “How about...” he kisses me again, “you take a shower...” he kisses my shoulder, “and get your comfy clothes on...” his breath traces up my neck to my ear “and then we can snuggle?”
My eyes close momentarily, enjoying the heat from his body. “I need to see what Roxy packed, why don’t you get your shower first?” I turn to face him, and he kisses me on the tip of my nose.
“As you wish.”
Stepping out of the bathroom, I hear the squeaky faucet as Phillip turns on the water. Roxy packed one of my favorite outfits, my favorite lotion and a complete set of cosmetics including shampoo and conditioner samples from her salon. I’m rummaging through my bag when a thought of inspiration hits me. Quickly, I shimmy out of my dress and take my shampoo and conditioner to the bathroom.
“What’re you doing?” Phillip laughs nervously. I’ve stepped in behind him and lightly placed my hands on his back, palm side down.
“I’m taking a shower with you,” I answer, my voice even and soft.
“Baby, I didn’t bring you here for this.” He starts to look back but fights to keep his eyes forward toward the plumbing.
“I know, but I thought you could help me wash my hair.” I trace small ridges of his spine with my index finger. Phillip’s muscles flex while I admire his physique. “Are you nervous?”
“I’m not nervous, I just—”
“You don’t always have to be the tough guy.”
“I know I can’t be strong with you in here with me.” The steam is growing thicker while the water droplets bounce off his skin.
I step a bit closer, touching my skin to his and I kiss his shoulder. “I don’t want you to be.”
Slowly, Phillip turns to face me. His skin is warmer than usual, heated from the shower. His dark, deep brown eyes gaze into mine. “Samantha, we don’t have to do this. I never intended for our prom night to be like everybody else’s.”
“Phillip, we’ve played a little from time to time, experimenting and trying things, but you’ve never had me fully naked.”
“And I haven’t complained. I’ve been trying to do the right thing.”
I hush him, placing a finger on his lips. “Ssh. I’ve thought about this. I want you to be my first...and my last in case something happens to me. I want to know—”
Phillip cuts me off, “Don’t talk like that. You’ll be fine.” I’m not sure if it’s water from the shower or tears, but he quickly wipes his face with one of his hands.
“If something should happen, I want to know that I shared all of me with only you.” I measure the agony I unintentionally placed in his eyes and quickly change my tactic. “Or I’m just a horny teenager...take your pick.” I grin trying to make a joke, but he’s gone rigid. Silent. So, I squirt some soap into my hands and begin to lather the soap on his chest. “Can we just take a shower together?” I ask resigning.
Phillip blinks and I’m not sure if he’s breathing. I mean where does all this self-constraint come from? I’m going out of my mind and he’s all cool with controlling his hormones. He has always been a quiet, thoughtful person. He doesn’t command the conversations around him, generally opting to be the listener and only chime in if needed. The observer. And even when he’s mad, he bottles, though generally his only anger comes with his father. So, when he gets quiet like this, I know he’s working through something, and I try to be patient. It’s not easy though.
With the suds, I trace his pecks and up over his shoulders and down along his arms. I work my way down to his stomach, stopping at his abs, being cautious to not overstep my boundaries. I turn him so he can rinse.
“I know you love me and that’s why you hesitate,” I say to his back. “It’s why you say we should wait and that you’re worried about my health. I get it. All valid points.” My confidence deflates as he remains quiet, rinsing himself in controlled breaths. “I don’t just love you. I also need you. I just want to feel you and know you need me too.” I turn to reach for the curtain. “I’ll get out so you can finish. I’m sorry.”
As I reach for the shower curtain to step out, Phillip wraps his arm around my waist preventing me from leaving. “Where are you going?” he whispers. I start to face him, and as I do his lips find mine. I barely have time to turn around.
“I thought you didn’t want me in here—” He cuts me off again. His lips should be against the law.
“I didn’t get to wash you,” he pants. Phillip changes places with me, placing me under the hot water. He makes quick work of shampooing and conditioning my hair, making sure to get all the hairspray out. As he reaches for the body wash, I can feel my heart slamming against my ribs with anticipation of his touch.
Phillip kisses me again, this time igniting a fire that ripples through my entire body. I feel feverish and I know it’s not from the water temperature.
He reaches behind me and shuts the water off. I try to ignore them, but my legs are beginning to hurt causing me to shift my weight from one foot to the other. He reaches for a towel and wraps it around me.
“Are you cold?” He tucks the corner of his towel securely at his waistline, hardly concealing how excited he is. “You have goose bumps.”
I smile, holding my towel closed. “They’re not from being cold.” I shift my weight to my other leg. Phillip looks down and before he can ask, I wrap my arms around him. “I’m fine, I promise.” He quickly sweeps me off my feet, holding me in his arms and carries me down the short hallway to the bedroom.
*
With the light fromthe fireplace flickering behind us, we lay on the bed still wearing our towels. Phillip on his side, me on my back. I can see the nervous need in his expression. I want so desperately to be careful but with my hormones being what they are, I’m battling want and desire. Want finally winning out.
He opens his mouth to say something, but I beat him to it. “It’s you and only you, Phillip.” I touch his jaw. “You’re all I need.”
He leans to kiss me, dragging an exploring finger down my arm. It tingles, creating a spark, and a bloom of warmth follows as his kiss deepens.
I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him closer. Taking his hand, I guide it to untuck my towel, silently urging him to open it. He breaks our kiss.
“If at any time whatsoever I hurt you—”
“You won’t,” I shake my head, confidently. “You won’t hurt me. Just love me.”
“I do love you, that’s why I can’t bear the thought of anything going wrong.”
I brush his tousled hair away from his forehead, caressing his hairline, my eyes bolted to his.
Swallowing audibly, he nods, ducking his head to kiss my neck and slowly opens my towel. Pushing the towel out of the way, he takes a moment to look, reverence in his expression. A breath forces its way out. “You’re beautiful.”
I move to undo his towel too, pushing it away.
We’re well acquainted with the curves of each other’s bodies, but we take our time memorizing our flesh as if it were undiscovered territory. Throughout my illness and our relationship, we’ve had a lot of intimate moments. Intimate isn’t always sexy though. Phillip’s been at my side watching me throw up, he’s rubbed my feet and legs when they’re swollen and hurting. He’s been through hospital visits and dialysis and has had to help Roxy with me in other various ways at the house. I’ve seen him after football games with sore muscles and having received hard hits on the field where I’ve given him ice packs after games. We’ve nursed each other.
We’ve also had many normal times where we’ve cuddled under the blankets letting our hands explore but drawing back in time to reign in our curiosities and desires, replacing them with responsibility and self-control.
I have no prior source of comparison, but I don’t need one. Phillip is mine and I am his and that’s all that matters. Here, tonight in the sanctuary of this quiet cabin on the lake, we are together in the safety of each other’s arms. There’s no one nearby to judge or interfere. Only the silence of the night to shield us in each other’s company.
Our kissing turns urgent, making us frantic. Our hands are everywhere, touching, exploring, memorizing, and simply feeling. Phillip freezes.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” he pants. “I just need to put something on.”
I feel my cheeks burn though I’m sure he can’t see me blushing. I avert my eyes for a second, a little embarrassed. “D-do we need a condom? I have birth control—”
He interrupts me by touching my cheek. “It’s the responsible thing to do. We’ll be double covered, so we won’t have to worry. Ok?”
“I guess I’m surprised you have one.”
He smirks and kisses the tip of my nose. “Just because I’ve been waiting doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about it...a lot.”
I don’t say anything else because deep down, I know he’s only looking out for us, and concerned about my well-being.
He jumps up to fish his wallet out of his pants pocket and walks back over to the bed. Firelight licks all his muscular lines, making them look even more rugged and strong. I swallow...hard.
He lays alongside me again, half-propped up on his elbow, picking the package out of his wallet. His eyebrows draw together forming a line. “You wanna do the honors?”
“Me?” I do a terrible job not gasping. “I...I mean, I only remember watching those videos in health class and rolling one down a banana.”
Phillip rips the package open and holds the condom between his fingers. “I have the same experience you have.” He lifts his head and gives me a look, full of emotion.
“What do you need me to do?”
He places a light kiss on my lips, never closing his eyes. “Gimme your hand.”
I let out a choppy breath as his fingers cover mine, both of us wrapping around him. He does most of it, rolling it on and then shifts to hover above me, nudging between my thighs.
“You’re sure?” he asks again and I nod my head yes. “It may not be like it is in your books.”
I place my hands on his shoulders to pull him closer. Always wanting him closer. “I just want you.”
Phillip licks his lips and leans down, touching our mouths together again, resting his weight on his elbows, cradling my face. I welcome him into my embrace, relishing in his weight and the protective, all-consuming feeling I have. It’s a little surreal, being naked with all his skin touching all of mine, our most private parts lined up. He lifts and looks down to guide himself the same time I dip my chin to look, our timing completely bad.
“Ow!” I laugh.
He rubs my head where we accidentally bumped into each other. “I’m sorry, baby.”
With a mixture of excitement, nervousness and love, Phillip kisses me again and again, my mouth, my jawline, and my neck until he eventually pushes in, filling me completely.
“Oh god,” Phillip exhales.
I inhale sharply and wiggle my hips trying to acclimate to the feeling. He pauses.
“Baby? You ok?” I feel his breath by my earlobe, his mouth so close to my skin.
I take another breath. “I’m...good.” I don’t sound believable. “Just give me a second. Go slow.”
There’s been no description for this in any of the romance books I’ve read. Those are always over the top and unrealistic. The women are described as nymphos for lack of a better word and the guys are always over-perfect sex machines. Doesn’t mean I don’t like to read the stories. However, this is awkward and wet and full and closer than we’ve ever been. Our tension ebbs away and we start moving together, getting in a rhythm. I begin to get hot all over and frenzied again and it only gets better.
In this moment, my health problems, his issues with his father, our day-to-day crap as well as the rest of the world, melts away with every thrust of his hips.
This is our moment.
This is our now.
We are loving each other.
Two people becoming one.
It’s beautiful.
And then it’s over.
“I’m sorry,” Phillip speaks from my neck where he rests his forehead, breathing hard. Both our chests are heaving from trying to catch our breath. “I’m sure it’ll last longer...eventually.” He begins to pull away, but I clutch onto and wrap my legs around him.
“Not yet.” I touch his cheek. “If being sick has taught me anything, it’s that the body doesn’t always act like you want it to. I have no complaints. Just let me enjoy feeling you...a little longer.”
He lifts his head to look at me, pushing my hair back from my face. “Wallflower.”
“Yours.”
He smiles and ducks his head briefly. “Mine.” He bites his lip. “You’re beautiful.”
He kisses me again, keeping his weight mostly off me with his elbows. But I see an idea in his expression. “What?”
“Do you want me to kiss you...somewhere else?” He nudges me with his hips. “I want you to feel good too.”
I buried my face in his neck. “I think maybe...sometime. But—” I shake my head unable to finish my sentence.
“Baby, what’s wrong?”
I bite my lip, self-conscious. “I think I might be...I don’t know, I can’t imagine your face down there right now. I like you kissing me - a lot – but it’s just picturing you kissing down there...licking...and your mouth...I’m not sure about that.”
Phillip lifts himself, pulling out. That feels weird.
“You’re adorable when you’re self-conscious. I think we’ve had enough firsts for now.” He gets up and tries to hide a yawn on the way to the bathroom. I hear him run some water, probably cleaning up.
When he returns, it’s my turn to go to the bathroom while he fixes our bed. He’s now standing beside it when I come out. I’m in one of his T-shirts and he’s wearing his boxers.
“Everything ok?”
He opens his arms, holding them outstretched until I reach him. I look up and place a hand on his chest. “I’m good.”
He dips and touches our noses together. “Sorry if I—”
“Don’t. It was perfect.” I lay my cheek on his chest and squeeze then tilt my head back to look at him. “I’d like to go to bed now.”
Phillip leans down to scoop me off my feet, holding me honeymoon-style. He kisses me lightly, turning to set me down. He climbs on the bed to lay next to me, pulling my leg over his middle.
With my head cradled in the crook of his shoulder, I’m ready to settle in for the rest of the night.
*
Later, unable to rest, I lay here in the dark, watching my favorite person sleep. I can tell he’s relaxed. Vulnerable. All the lines of constant worry have smoothed from his face. Phillip is peaceful and as beautiful as an angel. My angel.
Light as a butterfly wing, I risk touching his cheek. For a moment, my hand rests ever so closely and then it’s a second too long. He leans into my palm and rouses from his sleep, interrupting my adoration of him and our last few hours.
“Wallflower?” Phillip’s voice is groggy and hoarse. He opens his eyes, blinks, and stares blankly until his eyes focus with the darkness. “Everything all right?”
“Ssh...yes. I just couldn’t sleep. I didn’t mean to wake you,” I whisper, although we’re the only ones here.
“Come here, let me hold you,” he says sleepily, holding out his arm.
I scoot closer and nestle into him, absorbing his body heat. He kisses the top of my head and with his hand, he pushes my lower back until my body is right against his. His strong arms wrap around me until I’m immersed in a protective habitat, safe and secure.
“Want me to tell you a bedtime story? To help you sleep?” His voice is deeper now, but it’s music to my ears.
“Yes.”
“Ok, close your eyes.” I do as I’m told. I close my eyes and drink in all the smells of the room. Phillip’s cologne, the embers in the fireplace, the woods and flowers just outside these walls. “Are they closed?”
“Mm-hmm,” I murmur, already feeling dreamy.
“Ok.” I feel him take a deep breath and slowly let it out. Giving me a small squeeze he begins, “Once upon a time... in a faraway land...” I hear his words melt together into a peaceful lullaby as my senses give up. Sleep finally beckons.