Yearbook

39 - Samantha

The next day isn’tany better. I woke up with no energy and all the things I’ve been battling lately, too tired to do anything. It’s not a dialysis day because it’s the weekend so we’re just resting at my house.

Phillip turns a page and then rubs my leg, absently, while his eyes move across the page.

“Whatcha reading, baby?”

“The Old Man and the Sea.” I could have looked at the cover to see what he was reading, but instead, I’m staring off across the room. He sets the book down.

“You not reading your book?”

“No. I don’t need to read romance books anymore.”

Alarm flashes in Phillip’s features. He quickly schools his face calmer and replies. “Want me to read them to you instead?”

“I don’t need the books anymore.” I barely breathe the words, letting them out on an exhale. “I know what love is.”

He swallows hard. “Do you need something, baby?”

A new kidney. I don’t say that though. “No, I’m...no. I don’t need anything.”

Today’s been quiet. Phillip came over like usual, but Roxy’s out running errands. She’s not even working today and it’s one of her usual days. She just said she had some things to take care of and of course, she felt fine leaving me with Phillip. I wonder if she just needed away from everything, to take a break. She deserves one and I know she trusts him completely with my care, but I can’t help feeling like everything and everyone in my life is somehow off right now. Because of me.

Phillip studies my face, a slight crease between his eyes. “Want me to put on a movie instead?” I shake my head no. His crease deepens.

I’m currently laying on the couch with my legs across his lap. A pillow has me slightly propped up, and I have my favorite blanket. Tomorrow’s dialysis day so today sucks because my body is full of toxins, and I need the treatment to feel better. I hate dragging everyone down. Even Cyn’s been wary around me lately. I told her to hang out with Knox and forget about me for a while. I wish they all could.

“How about a cartoon day? You love that shit. I’ll watch Frozen and Cinderella and –”

“No, baby.”

“Do you want out of the house? We can go for a drive. I’ll get your camera and we can go take pictures of the Magnolias—”

I touch his hand, stopping him midsentence, shaking my head no. “I don’t want to take pictures.”

Panic sets in before he tries to hide it. “What’s wrong?”

I think about that for a second. I mean, what isn’t wrong? Should be obvious by now. “You haven’t gotten your tattoo yet.”

“That’s what’s bugging you?” Phillip’s nose flares. He’s not buying it.

“Knox has his already. Your sister told me.”

Phillip takes my hand in his. “I haven’t decided which one yet,” he shrugs, caressing his thumb along my skin.

“You were picking one when we first started dating.” I look down at our hands, fingers laced together. “Why are you putting it off?”

His mouth curls at the corner. “The one I want first will go on my torso. Takes awhile to heal.”

“So? Football season’s over.”

“We like to cuddle a lot.”

“So I’m holding you back.” I can’t hide the sadness in my voice. I withdraw my hand to straighten my blanket and cover up with it.

“That’s not it and you know it.”

“What are you going to do? After high school.”

His eyebrows dart up his forehead. It’s not the question he was expecting. Or the abrupt subject change. “I haven’t committed to anything yet, you know that.”

I take a breath and let it out, defeated. “You gotta pick something you like, ok?”

Phillip shifts his body more to face me. “What’s this about, Samantha?” He touches my hand again, but I withdraw to pull it under my blanket.

“Just promise me you pick something you enjoy.” I close my eyes, tired. I’m so tired.

“Wallflower, look at me.”

I open my eyes and they swivel to him, but I don’t say anything.

“What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“I’m tired. That’s what I’m thinking. Of treatment, of my body being stupid, of being on a donor list and waiting for a kidney that won’t get here in time. I’m tired of being tired and I’m tired of seeing everyone around me putting their life on hold because of me.” I don’t say it harshly, just above a whisper to answer him because I don’t have much more energy than that today.

Phillip swallows, tender fear in his eyes. “I think I prefer you grumpy than how you are today.”

“Why?”

“At least when you’re grumpy you’re fighting.” He pushes his eyes with his fingers for a second, holding back tears. He looks like his chest is cracking wide open. “You’re giving up and I can’t have you talking like that.”

I tilt my head, looking his way. “I love you. But maybe I’m not giving up—just accepting reality.”

He uncovers my hand and takes it in his own. “You can’t give up on me, please. You can’t leave me.”

“I want you to promise me, find something that makes you happy and do it. Do that. Do that for me so I can be happy too.”

Phillip gets to his feet and then scoops me up off the couch. “We’re going upstairs.”

“Why?” My head leans against his chest as he carries me up the stairs honeymoon-style, not even breaking a sweat with the effort.

“Because I can’t hold you the way I want to on the couch.” He sets me on the bed, gently, while at the same time punching pillows out of the way.

“You want to take a nap with me?”

Phillip climbs onto the bed alongside me, pulling me close, our bodies touching from head to toe. “I want to do everything with you, not just a nap. I want you to fight. Don’t give up.”

My heart splinters hearing the desperation in his voice. And fear. He doesn’t yell, or even get loud in any way, he whispers as he nuzzles against me, like he’s whispering to my heart.

“I’m just so tired. And...I feel like my time’s running out. There are only a few pieces of sand left in the hourglass and when the last one falls—”

“Ssshh...”

I feel his body shake, like he’s silently sobbing but trying to hold it in. It’s a faint tremor, but it’s there, like a gentle breeze on the skin. Any other day, this would have angered me. Not that he’s crying, but the fact that I made him cry. I would be angry at myself and my situation for being so screwed up, that it made the guy I love break down.

After a few minutes of silence, of me letting him get it out of his system, of him holding me, he takes a breath and clears his throat.

“You’ll have more time. You have to.”

I turn to face him and touch his cheek. It’s wet and my heart fractures more. I study his eyes. They’re so beautiful and right now showing me so much emotion, lashes sticking together from the extra moisture. “You’ve taken such good care of me. There’s nothing left to do.” I touch his heart and his eyes close. “I’m here forever, there’s no timestamp on that.”

“Jesus, baby.” He pulls me closer, crushing me to his chest. I don’t complain because I know he needs this right now. I could die if I don’t get a donor soon and if my time runs out, I want him to at least have this.

*

We fall asleep intowhat feels like a long afternoon nap. When I wake, Phillip’s in my bathroom. The bed is still warm beside me, so I know he just got up. He comes out with a bag in his hand, shoving his phone into his pocket.

“Hi baby, did you sleep well?”

His eyes are red rimmed and puffy, and his stance is guarded. I hate seeing that, but I try to smile. “Yeah, did you?”

He climbs onto the bed, knees first to get close and give me a kiss. “Best nap ever.”

I melt into his kiss, loving the softness of his lips, memorizing the feel of them. He’s gentle and caring and passionate. Loving.

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Yes, you do.” He gives me another peck before standing up again.

“What’s with the bag?” I get up to go the bathroom as he moves toward the staircase.

“Just cleaning your bathroom for you. I’m gonna run down and make some slushies.”

I pause at the bathroom door, slightly dizzy, and I touch the doorframe.

“Hey, stay up here till I come back for you. I don’t want you on the steps by yourself, ok?”

I can see he’s mentally deciding whether to go down at all until I finish up. “I’m good. I’ll go in here and you’ll be back before I’m done.”

Phillip rubs my arm before kissing my forehead. “That’s my girl.”

I close the door to use the bathroom and wash up, feeling a little better rested. The reflection in the mirror looks terrible, and my lips are dry, so I open my cabinet to get my lip balm and my heart sinks. He cleared out my meds. I close the lid and drop down to sit on the toilet, devastated. Oh my God, he’s on suicide watch.

There’s a soft knock at the door. “Wallflower?”

I don’t answer, just wrap my arms around my middle and hug myself. I try not to cry but it doesn’t work.

Phillip opens the door an inch or two at first. “Baby, you good?” He opens it wide when he hears me sniffle. He rushes in and drops to his knees. “What hurts? What is it?”

My head lifts as tears stream down my face. “I’m not gonna off myself!”

“What?” The shock in his voice and expression is too much. “What made you say that all of a sudden?”

I point to the medicine cabinet. “You cleared out my meds! I know I was talking weird earlier, and you didn’t like it, but I don’t need you to be on suicide watch. I’m just having a bad day.”

Phillip pulls me onto his lap. I’m straddling him now on the bathroom floor and he’s holding me close. “I don’t think that for one second.” He grabs my face to make me look at him, his big hands on either side of my cheeks, cradling my jaw. “Roxy went to the pharmacy and texted, asking me to bring your stuff downstairs so she can fill your weekly med reminder. I pulled the trash from the can while I was at it. That’s all, I promise!”

I start to cry in earnest when I realize I jumped to conclusions. “I’m sorry!” I wrap my arms and legs around Phillip, trying to engulf him, needing desperately to hold on. I can’t explain it, but I feel like I’m slipping away. Now I understand why he had to bring us up here to lay in bed and hold on tight.

“It’s just a rough day, nothing more,” he explains, fervently in my ear, smoothing my hair. “We’ll get through this.”

“You promise?” I sob. “You’re reading books about overcoming adversity and I’m slipping away and—”

“And jumping to conclusions.” He kisses me to shut me up. Or just because he needed to kiss me. “I like Hemingway. No other reason than that.” He looks me in the eyes again. “It’s just a bad day. We can beat these.” Doubt probably looks back at him, so he changes tactics. “What’s a great moment you’ve had lately? Or ever? Something really marvelous?”

My crying has calmed but I’m still on his lap. “Like what?”

“Like anything...name something that really made you happy or made you feel good.” I think of something and immediately feel my cheeks burn. Phillip notices and smiles. “What did you think of?”

I bite my lower lip, suddenly feeling shy. “You, our prom night.”

Phillip’s expression is priceless. “I wasn’t even thinking like that but that’s a good one.”

“It was.” I smile. More genuinely this time. “I want to feel like that again.”

Phillip groans and leans his forehead onto my shoulder. “I wouldn’t mind, but Roxy’s on her way home with dinner for us.”

I felt his body betraying him even as he spoke but didn’t mention the bulge I’m suddenly sitting on. “You asked the question.”

He touches his lips to mine before answering against my skin. “Yes, I did.” He kisses the corner of my mouth and pulls back. “Make you a deal.”

I see a mischievous glint in his eyes, for the first time in a while and am happy about it. “I’m listening...”

“Tomorrow night after dialysis, when you’re feeling better, I’ll give you a repeat of prom. Something to look forward to?”

The door opens and closes downstairs right when Phillip flexes his hips to punctuate his offer.

“Kids, I’m home!”

“And there’s Roxy,” Phillip chuckles. “Do we have a deal?” He quirks an eyebrow, whispering so cute it’s not funny.

I pull his finger into my mouth and suck as an answer.

“Shit, Samantha.” His body shudders against mine. “That’s not fair. I didn’t know you had that good of a nap today.”

“I’ve got food,” Roxy hollers and I can hear her setting up the table.

Phillip and I share a look and smile. He speaks first. “We should get down there.” He kisses me slowly and briefly but full of feeling. “What made you suck my finger like that?” We shift to get up.

“You’ve been reading Hemingway, I’ve been reading romance novels, remember?”

Phillip helps me to my feet and then we start toward the door. “Got that idea from that, huh?”

I flash a devious smile. “Yeah, took that out of one of the playbooks.”

“If it puts a smile on your face like that, I’m in.” I sway and Phillip lifts me into his arms to go down to dinner.

“Hey,” I touch his chest, but look Phillip in the eye. He pauses at the top of the stairs. “I’m so sorry about earlier. I was a real raincloud and –”

He kisses the tip of my nose. “I get it. But no apologies.” He winks and then takes the first step. “Just think about after treatment tomorrow instead.” I giggle, putting my head on his shoulder. “And I’m so reading out of one of your books tonight.”

I don’t lift my head from his shoulder, not having the energy to do so. Instead, I let him carry me downstairs, hoping his good mood lasts longer than my energy. I’m no fool. Our banter is all in good fun, but realistically, I’m not sure I’ll be any better tomorrow or even much beyond that. For now, we have promises and memories of good things and that’s the most I can hope for.

“You woke up in a better mood. Makes me happy to see you better than earlier.”

I kiss his cheek. “Makes me happy to have you.”